Letting Go...

I've always had a major problem letting go...

I strive everyday to learn to let go, to accept that there isn't much more I can do and that I need to move on...

Letting go of people particularly, accepting that things have changed and that people that were once important to you and part of your daily life are not there any more...

It drives me nuts....

And it takes me a while to stop calling and messaging and Facebooking... I keep telling myself things can get back to the way they were, but they never really do...

And it pisses people off... they wanna scream to my face it's over, get over it, accept it... and I hate it even more when I feel I care and they still insist on pushing me away... which hurts even more than the fact that things have changed... which makes me question if they ever cared in first place... and makes feel stupid that I care... sometimes I even hate myself!

And every time before I get in touch with them I know its getting me nowhere... and every time after I do I feel stupid for putting myself in an awkward position... and I definitely feel bad for myself for caring about people who obviously choose to let me go and are ok with it...

And I ask myself why do I still care... and I wish I would know the answer I wish I could find the correct explanation for myself... and I just never was able to... it is who I am and how I'm built up... and I work everyday on changing it...

And sometimes weeks or months pass by and I deceive myself every single day, telling myself I've moved on... and then once I have a free minute or something happens, I realize I'm exactly where I am and it makes me sad...

Sometimes it's important to let go... sometimes it's the best thing to do... sometimes you just need to give it a rest... when you know you've done all you could possibly do and that trying any harder will make things worst than better... when you feel there is nothing any more you should hold on to... when you realize you're basically holding on to nothing, maybe to something that wasn't even there... when you realize that the person you are fighting for let go of you a very long time ago... and when you realize that even if things get back to how they were, it would mean nothing any more 'cause it lost all its beauty!

So, I'm hoping this blog here helps me out... 'cause I like to write... so instead of getting in touch with whoever that person is and saying what ever I need to say... I'll come here and write it, get it out of my system... get it off my chest... until I one day I just really let go...