A Perfectly Wasted First Experience...

There are certain experiences we go through in life that we create certain dreams for... We create this vision for them and we imagine how they would happen...

And I'm not quite sure reality turns out to be as is....

These experiences could be...

Your first day of university classes...

The first car you drive... 

Your first date...

Your first relationship...

Your first job...

Your first pay roll...

And actually we put in great effort imaging how this thing would be and go about... 

But usually this experience comes and goes... 

And you'd hate it!

And you keep wishing you have done it differently....
Waited longer...
Been wiser....
Saved it for the best... 

You feel that your special first experience has gone completely in waste...

And it's annoying...

And frustrating...

And disappointing...

And you don't know if you're upset the experience didn't go well...
Or if your vision of that "first time experience" didn't go as you planned....
Or if you are are to blame for it being a flop...

But point is this first experience is GONE and NOT COMING BACK...
We are entitled to some crying over it...
But no crying would actually undo it and give you a second chance at changing the facts...

But then you wipe your tears...
Get up...
Tell yourself more and better experiences are yet to come...
You pray for forgetfulness...
And the ability to let go...
And the ability to move on...

And eventually we do...
We might not forget...
But we learn to live with the facts of this experience...
Try to learn from it...
Avoid it...
And hope the second on is better...
Maybe the third...

BUT in the end of the day...
Maybe we shouldn't worry about the first experience...
But rather one that would last because this is the one we live with... 

Back On Track!

So it's not new years and its not time for resolutions...

But as I said i said the following in my previous post, "New Year... Evolution or Illusion?:" 

"Change does happen, but it doesn't need a clock or a date or to dim out the lights and turn them on to a new you... change is timeless; can happen anywhere, anytime, anyhow...

Change happens when you intend for it to happen...

Change that is time bound is an illusion...

Change that you create is a true evolution...

You decide your own New Year... your New Year, your real evolution, begins when you take a good look at yourself and you realize: now is the time to change!"

So today... right now, I decided that this is my "new year" here are my resolutions:

1. Be more religious! Seriously, I need to get closer to God.
2. Pray more, daily.... once at least!
3. Pray at all time... not just when I need something!
4. Go to church regularly! Once a week, once every to weeks MAX!
5. Find a good service to do.
6. Go back to dieting, FIERCELY!
7. Move on, realistically!
8. Avoid denial and quick fixes! 
9. Forget the people who've chosen to forget me.
10. Focus on the people care and the ones who'll stick with me! 
11. Learn to let go (HOPEFULLY)!
12. Learn to shut up (PLEASE GOD)!
13. Learn  to say NO! 
14. Don't make exceptions for anyone, at any cost! No one is worth it.
15. Do good in the world.
16. Make a difference.
17. Let go of the stupid things that prevent me from being awesome.
18. Be more confident, I actually ROCK! 
19. STOP making stupid mistakes! 
20. STOP caring too much! 
21. Have fun!
22. Be cheerful again!
23. ABANDON the virtual world, except for blogging! 
24. Write.. write and write!
25. Make my blog well known! 
26. Find a passion!
27. Find a place to dump in all my negative energy! 
28. Teach!
29. Be happy and screw the world and people, it's a good change! 
30. Drive more, listening to music and singing along! It cures my soul! 
31. Take more long, boiling hot showers! 
32. Travel more!
33. Dance more, break routine and act stupid (Perfectly healthy)! 
34. Learn the value of myself (MOST IMPORTANTLY)! 

I'll be back on track! 
I will!
I must be back on track! 
It's my only way out!

Lyrics I Love...

Can we pretend that airplanes, In the night sky, Are like shooting star, I could really use a wish right now" "When I see your face. There's not a thing that I would change. Just the way you are. And when you smile. The whole world stops and stares for a while. 'Cause girl you're amazing.The way you are." "I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you. I have been waiting all my life." "I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard. And got so far. But in the end. It doesn't even matter." "When we collide we come together. If we don't we'll always be apart. I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it. When you hit me hit me hard." "Im not afraid of anything in this world. There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard." "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be coming home again." "Let me be the one you call. If you jump I'll break your fall. Lift you up and fly away with you into the nigh. If you need to fall apart. I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn. You're not alone" "When you're broken in a million little pieces. And you're trying but you can't hold on  anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in yourself. When you're broken." "Butterfly well you landed on my mind. Damn right you landed on my ear and then you crawled inside. And now I see you perfectly behind closed eyes. I want to fly with you and I don't want to lie to you." "Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven." "Things aren’t the way they were before. You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore.  Not that you knew me back then. But it all comes back to me in the end." "I’m no beauty queen. I’m just beautiful me." "I had a dream my life would be. So different from the hell I'm living. So different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed." "I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy, I'll be your hope I'll be your love, Be everything that you need, I'll love you more with every breath,Truly, madly, deeply do, I will be strong I will be faithful, 'cause I'm counting on, A new beginning, A reason for living

A deeper meaning," "And if the night runs over. And if the day wont last. And if our way should falter. Along the stony pass. Its just a moment. This time will pass." "Hitting walls and getting scars . Only makes you who you are. Only makes you who you are. No matter how much your heart is aching. There is beauty in the breaking.""I could use a dream or a genie or a wish. To go back to a place much simpler than this" "And I know some day that it’ll all turn out. You'll make me work so we can work to work it out" "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love. Like I'm the only one who knows your heart." Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in. No one else, no one else. Can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten." "I've put my trust in you. Pushed as far as I can go. For all this there’s only one thing you should know:I tried so hard, And got so far, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter, I had to fall, To lose it all, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter." "I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time" "Oh I know that the music's fine. Like sparklin' wine, go and have your fun. Laugh and sing, but while we're apart. Don't give your heart to anyone. But don't forget who's takin' you home. And in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin' save the last dance for me." "I love you like a fat kid loves cake." "Have you ever loved and lost somebody. Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry." "There comes a time where you fade to the blackness. And when you're staring at that phone in your lap. And you hoping but them people never call you back."  "What am I suppose to do, When the best part of me was always you and, What am I suppose to say, When I'm all choked up and you're okay." "Someday love will find you. Break those chains that bind you. One night will remind you. How we touched and went our separate ways." "Better days are gonna find you once again. Every piece will find its place."

Stupid Moment Glorified...

So earlier I wrote about the general moments of stupidity but I gotta say currently I'm experiencing a severe and intense one of them...

I also wrote the following part in one of earliest posts called Letting Go:

"So, I'm hoping this blog here helps me out... 'cause I like to write... so instead of getting in touch with whoever that person is and saying what ever I need to say... I'll come here and write it, get it out of my system... get it off my chest... until I one day I just really let go..."

So here I am, venting my stupid moment on my blog rather than doing something stupid I would regret!

So.. my stupid moment is that moment when you miss someone you shouldn't be missing! I've this urging and itching feeling to get in touch with someone and I know it's getting me no where!

I've written the sms and deleted it, I've written the FB message and deleted it, I've prepared an e-mail (and that's still my drafts, hope I do delete it soon)... I've started dialing and stopped myself... I've rehearsed a call then changed my mind!

But I do have words that I have to say and I need to get them out out of my system so I'm writing this... because as a human I just need to vent sometimes! I need to talk about my feelings... because keeping them to myself more and more and more is just plain hectic! I'm tired of it! Because if don't get it out, I'll crack! Really soon!

As much as I wanna take action, say I miss you, see how things go... as much as I know it's stupid... as much I know it's pointless as much as I know it's heading no where, as much as I know it means more regret and feeling like a fool later...

As much as I wanna call it hope, second chances, trying to be better, sacrifice, compromise... on the other side there is another voice in me screaming: pride, you've tried enough, it's pointless, you'll get hurt AGAIN... and you're just being plain stupid!

As much as I want to believe that whatever words I have to say could have the ability to change things around, I know this dream or hope is driven merely by an intense wave of emotions and isn't true!

And as much I want to believe that if things do change around I will be happy... as much as I want to believe that something good can happen... a big part of me is uncertain, reminding me of how many times I've already tried and how many times I've already been hurt!

Part me of is slapping my in the face saying: Seriously! Haven't you had enough!? Where the hell is your sense of pride!? What on earth makes you think things will change? Didn't you say you won't be putting yourself in this damn position again!? Didn't you say it's that person's turn to make a move! Didn't you say even if that person makes a move you're plainly saying NO!

But the other side of me is answering simply: I can't help it! I'm willing to sacrifice if there is hope!

BUT reality, practicality and experience say: that's just stupid!

So i'm feeling stupid right now. I'm really trying hard to practice my ability to let go, my ability to stop myself and fight temptation of stupid emotions, I'm really trying to tell myself no!

But bigger than all those feelings I'm missing someone and neither can I do anything to bring me closer to that person nor can I stop this overwhelming and tiring feeling! And that just sucks!

And knowing that it's pointless and still being in denial and thinking about it... makes even stupider! Uff! Gosh!

I hate where I am now! This helpless and weak will is just a killer! And i hate it!

-sigh!

This is one post I'm not publicizing... this is one post I'm not sharing on Facebook and Twitter, maybe 'cause I hate how I'm feeling, maybe I'm embarrassed, maybe 'cause I hate being this weak and exposed and maybe 'cause I don't want everyone I know to see how stupid I am. I'm writing this because I just NEED to vent and let it out! So if you come across this post, as much as I want you to tell me to have hope and go for it, to trust my gut feeling, to get in touch to tell the person "I miss you", I would rather have you talk me out of it! Please!

The Moment of STUPIDITY...

So yeah... in my last post The Beautiful ME and You I spoke about how there are these amazingly, breath taking moments where we unconsciously allow allow our inner beauty to shine. I also spoke about how we should work more on not hiding this side of who we are... after all there is nothing wrong with being beautiful.

However... there is a side to us we need to work on minimizing! And that is our stupid moments! Ya... we must get them, its a part of life, but SERIOUSLY stupid moments make me feel stupid and I hate that!

I'd say a stupid moment is one defined as: you know the outcome is crap and you still do it hoping it would be different!

Some people would say it's hope! I'd say.. SERIOUSLY??!

For example... if you're dieting and dying to loose wait... do we honestly think "cheesecake" would go by unnoticed on the scale!? That's a clear moment of stupidity!

You tell someone you like him/her times and times again... and they still push us back... do we honestly think this time it would be different... if they changed their mind they'd come back on their own... unless we enjoy feeling bad and rejected, we're simply being stupid!

You tell a friend times and times again that something bothers you and obviously it's beyond their abilities to change... unless we're looking for another pointless argument, I suggest we become the bigger, better person and just move on!

You have work presentation... and you're tight on deadline and it's 12 am... work is in 8-9 hours... is it really time to check your Farm on Facebook, make sure your Mafia is doing well! Why are you signed in, in first place! So again... unless we enjoy looking like crap in big and important meetings... we're just being stupid!

The list can go on forever and ever! And the above are just simple stuff... there are many more complicated and serious examples!

These aren't stuff we should be hopeful about! We should be hopeful about things were outcomes are unknown, unexpected and likely to change... but some stuff... outcomes are crystal clear! And some of these stuff we can easily control with a minimal level of will and control!

This whole issue sums in self control... in our ability to tell ourselves NO! We NEED to teach ourselves when to fight back temptations that later lead us to sink in misery! - it is something I daily try to teach myself (desperately), 'cause I personally suck (big time) at say NO to myself (fore more examples on my greatest weakness you can check my post on letting go)!

SO... Why do we act stupid when we know the outcome?? I have no idea what so ever!

We act stupid... THEN we feel stupid, we feel like fools, we regret stuff... we get pissed, annoyed, frustrated... we start wishing we could turn back time, that things change... we keep whining about how unlucky we are and how life is unfair...

YET... the simple explanation is that we consciously decide to be stupid... knowing that we cannot handle the consequences... we still insist on doing it!

So let's try to have less stupid moments... more beautiful moments! That way we're all winners!

The Illusion That Life STOPS....

There are times, when we get this "illusion" that life would stop if a certain thing doesn't go as we planned or we wanted!

We keep fighting all odds afraid to lose it...

We think our plan is the best plan... we think we know what should happen... we think we know what's right…

The day we lose it we see BLACKNESS... the day we lose it we go out of our way to bring it back... we do all sorts of stuff to fight it!

We get the illusion that life would stop... that nothing good would happen again!

WE ARE WRONG!

We are the ones who stop! We freeze! Life never does!

However, with time we realize a lot of things...

What we thought was impossible becomes the norm... gets embedded into our day lives... we get used to things being gone... we might even get to a point where we do not even realize it’s gone!

We might even start regretting all we did not to lose it... we could wish we let it go as soon as things started falling apart...

After all you never get what’s not yours… after all you can’t fight to keep something that doesn’t want you as much…

You realize it’s not worth it anymore… you realize that even if it happens now it lost all its essence and beauty!

We might realize that with just a few days things aren't as bad as we might have imagined them to turn out... that all we needed was to hold our breath, to keep cool for a few minutes or even hours until this urgency to fight back was gone….

As the song says, "it's just a moment, this time will pass."

We think we're Stuck In A Moment... you think if you let this minute go everything ends... but it's not true... time will pass... things get better...

Life doesn’t stop at anything or for anyone… thinking it does is nothing but an illusion…

Understanding that it doesn’t stop is important… understanding that all you need is to breath is crucial… understand that when you’re at the edge… you don’t need to fight back… when you think you’ll lose it, don’t hold on to it… Just let it go… it’s okay… it’s not the end of the world!

I’m not saying this out of being philosophical or asking people to give up… I've been there a lot! Now I know that it’s okay to let go… if it’s meant to happen its coming back to you… if its not, don’t worry… something else will… Don’t let your illusions tell you that life would stop!

Time...

I've always tried to figure out whether time is my friend or my enemy!? However, it's not time itself... it's the changes that time brings upon us that has this questionable impact on us...

For me, the worst thing time brings changes upon are relationships... Well true, love relationships, but not just that... Even friendships... or any possible relationship that could exist...

Let's see...

I was born and raised in Saudi Arabia; lived there for 18 years. I was in an International School with friends from every single part of the globe; then left that all behind and came to Egypt. Then I lived in the dorms for a year, where people came from all over Egypt or expats studying in Egypt and again left that behind and settled in my home. Then there was university where I spent four years with amazing people, and then we graduated and each took their own road to the future (worked elsewhere, got married, busy with kids, masters, PhD...) and changed three jobs so far each with a different set of busy people...

And true the internet has proved to be a major help to us in keeping people in touch and communicating. However, it's not the same... time has changed the nature of our relationships... how we speak and what we say...

There are also those people who we stop speaking to or lose touch with... 'cause we've argued over something stupid and we both can't get our egos to just get over it OR 'cause things didn't work out... OR for whatever reason! But despite the fact that we can't speak to them today 'cause there has been too much damage, deep down you still value them in your hearts and wished things were different!

And my question is... how is that someone can be in your life day in and day out, morning, night and then BOOM... they're no longer there. How's that fair, that you get used to someone and then they're not there anymore.

How is it that something comes up... and that was the one person you'd turn to but they're not there anymore to talk to them about it either 'cause you just haven't spoken in too long, 'cause you've agreed to part ways or 'cause telling them the story via e-mail is just not the same...

How is it that one day that person was everything to you and you share them everything and they're almost with you every single minute of every day AND NOW you think twice or even ten times before you say hello...

How is it that a childhood friend has now turned into status update to you? And we call that keeping in touch... you see their graduation pics rather than be there...

How is it that someone you wished would stay long enough in your life, now you no longer know anything about?

How is it that they cross your mind... and all you can do is let them JUST cross your mind...

How is it that all you can do is worry about them from afar 'cause time has put you at distant ends!

How, How, How, How, How...

Why does time change things this way? Why can't things stay the same... stay stable! Keep the people we value the same, they don't change... we don't change. Keeping the ties, keeping the feelings the same, the distance close... Making the bonds stronger rather than weaker!

And again I say, maybe this change is for the better... so I really dunno, does this impact time has on us and our relationships with people... does that make time our friend our enemy...

In some situations, I can assure you time is an enemy... I mean, why do childhood friends end up on different parts of the globe?

The way I see it, today it could be our enemy... later in the future, when we have better vision and a better understanding we'd see it as our friend...

Umm... I have no idea actually... after writing about it... It's more like LIFE not TIME that's an issue... and as they say in the end of every story, C'est La Vie or This Is Life....

The point is to train yourself to get used to it and to accept the changes that life or time throw at you... to let go of whatever was left behind... and tell yourself every MINUTE of every DAY that time is also capable of bringing better things your way!

Growing Older…

How does someone grow older?

Is it age? Sometimes I feel it has to do with age… I mean the day I turned 20 I wasn't too excited… and definitely the day I turned 25 wasn't thrilling at all!

However I realized that age isn’t always the indication of growing older…

I mean… there are days when I’m 25 and I feel younger than days when I was 22… if you get what I mean!

And those days when I feel young... I ask myself, why can't I just be that person everyday!? And the answer, I really dunno... I end up being old and grumpy uncontrollably! Like I'm helpless towards this disgusting feeling!

I feel growing older is a state of mind and emotions… Growing older means you worry yourself too much, you push yourself harder than you should, you punish yourself and you judge yourself harsher…

The more we immerse ourselves into problems, the older we get…

The more we worry, the older we get…

When we can’t careless and the weight keeps getting heavier; the older we get…

Telling yourself that you can’t do this because you’re not young anymore is the first sign of growing older…You convince yourself that you’ve grown when you haven’t…

You see yourself as old… although no one else does!

I figured that you can actually be young and spontaneous till the last day of your life… not immature… but young!

Laugh...

Sing...

Dance...

Go out...

Travel...

Take things as they come...

Worry less...

Believe it’ll work out on its own...

Let go of whatever it is that holds you back and makes you feel that way...

Do something stupid every now and then...

Stop being serious all the time...

Don't beat up yourself for things you cannot change...

Stop carrying more than you can hold...

I don’t claim I do that… on the contrary I do the exact opposite… and it pisses me off!

Lately I always feel old… Older than I am… Older than I should be… Emotionally and mentally older… I feel older than I deserve to be... Older than I owe it myself...

I even end up looking and sounding older than I am... people place me into this boring category!

And that just… makes me feel even sadder and hence… older! – sigh!

Letting Go...

I've always had a major problem letting go...

I strive everyday to learn to let go, to accept that there isn't much more I can do and that I need to move on...

Letting go of people particularly, accepting that things have changed and that people that were once important to you and part of your daily life are not there any more...

It drives me nuts....

And it takes me a while to stop calling and messaging and Facebooking... I keep telling myself things can get back to the way they were, but they never really do...

And it pisses people off... they wanna scream to my face it's over, get over it, accept it... and I hate it even more when I feel I care and they still insist on pushing me away... which hurts even more than the fact that things have changed... which makes me question if they ever cared in first place... and makes feel stupid that I care... sometimes I even hate myself!

And every time before I get in touch with them I know its getting me nowhere... and every time after I do I feel stupid for putting myself in an awkward position... and I definitely feel bad for myself for caring about people who obviously choose to let me go and are ok with it...

And I ask myself why do I still care... and I wish I would know the answer I wish I could find the correct explanation for myself... and I just never was able to... it is who I am and how I'm built up... and I work everyday on changing it...

And sometimes weeks or months pass by and I deceive myself every single day, telling myself I've moved on... and then once I have a free minute or something happens, I realize I'm exactly where I am and it makes me sad...

Sometimes it's important to let go... sometimes it's the best thing to do... sometimes you just need to give it a rest... when you know you've done all you could possibly do and that trying any harder will make things worst than better... when you feel there is nothing any more you should hold on to... when you realize you're basically holding on to nothing, maybe to something that wasn't even there... when you realize that the person you are fighting for let go of you a very long time ago... and when you realize that even if things get back to how they were, it would mean nothing any more 'cause it lost all its beauty!

So, I'm hoping this blog here helps me out... 'cause I like to write... so instead of getting in touch with whoever that person is and saying what ever I need to say... I'll come here and write it, get it out of my system... get it off my chest... until I one day I just really let go...