My Decision To Be Optimistic...

So don't ask me why... I really have no good reason for it... but I'm sick and tired of being in a crappy mood either over things I cannot change, cannot control or things and people who aren't worth it!

So I've decided that for a change... a very big change... I'm gonna be optimistic... I'm gonna say: screw it and I'l enjoy my time!

I've been in grumpy mood for the last two years probably! For all the wrong and shitty reasons! Reasons, that I'm probably the only one holding on to while everyone else has simply moved on!

I don't blame others for my inability to move on... but if other involved people don't care then why the hell should I! I mean it; technically it doesn't make sense? If I'm upset a friend has been slacking off and not caring about a friendship lost then what the hell am I upset about! If I'm upset life hasn't turned out as planned in some areas... hell with it.. I'm going to enjoy whatever there is to enjoy!

I can't keep waiting for people to change or hoping they realize they've been asses to me! I can't sit here regretting things I've done or feeling guilty for shit I messed up in... I can't stay upset over opportunities lost! What ever history, is just history!

And I only blame myself for letting all those things get to me! Whatever... I'm moving on! I'm even pissed at myself for all the time I wasted on crappy people, things and feelings!

I'm really starting to feel jealous of people who have peace of mind! I mean for God's sake I deserve that too! And I know I should be telling this to myself before anyone else! Lately worrying about everything and anything has just made me this crappy unbearable person! I'm worrying about crap I seriously cannot do anything about! I'm carrying my weight and everyone else's over my freakin shoulders!

So ya... for a change I won't care about anyone but me... I won't let anything get to me! Too much worrying has made me feel like I'm 50... and I'm not! So I'm gonna act my age, which is 25 and I'm gonna have fun and be optimistic!

I'm gonna go back to being outgoing, fun, energetic, smiley and I'll gain back my sense of humor... which will be cheerful laughter rather than sad sarcastic irony!

Seriously, I've come to a conclusion... simply SCREW everything, nothing is worth it! No matter what you mention! :)

- Sigh!

Growing Older…

How does someone grow older?

Is it age? Sometimes I feel it has to do with age… I mean the day I turned 20 I wasn't too excited… and definitely the day I turned 25 wasn't thrilling at all!

However I realized that age isn’t always the indication of growing older…

I mean… there are days when I’m 25 and I feel younger than days when I was 22… if you get what I mean!

And those days when I feel young... I ask myself, why can't I just be that person everyday!? And the answer, I really dunno... I end up being old and grumpy uncontrollably! Like I'm helpless towards this disgusting feeling!

I feel growing older is a state of mind and emotions… Growing older means you worry yourself too much, you push yourself harder than you should, you punish yourself and you judge yourself harsher…

The more we immerse ourselves into problems, the older we get…

The more we worry, the older we get…

When we can’t careless and the weight keeps getting heavier; the older we get…

Telling yourself that you can’t do this because you’re not young anymore is the first sign of growing older…You convince yourself that you’ve grown when you haven’t…

You see yourself as old… although no one else does!

I figured that you can actually be young and spontaneous till the last day of your life… not immature… but young!

Laugh...

Sing...

Dance...

Go out...

Travel...

Take things as they come...

Worry less...

Believe it’ll work out on its own...

Let go of whatever it is that holds you back and makes you feel that way...

Do something stupid every now and then...

Stop being serious all the time...

Don't beat up yourself for things you cannot change...

Stop carrying more than you can hold...

I don’t claim I do that… on the contrary I do the exact opposite… and it pisses me off!

Lately I always feel old… Older than I am… Older than I should be… Emotionally and mentally older… I feel older than I deserve to be... Older than I owe it myself...

I even end up looking and sounding older than I am... people place me into this boring category!

And that just… makes me feel even sadder and hence… older! – sigh!