People In My Life!

Life is a roller coaster! I'm gonna try my best not to break my streak of positive posts ... however I gotta say life is sometimes too dynamic for me! Changes happen to fast... it's unbelievable! 

The people we meet in life and those whom we choose to be our friends, or they choose us, or it happened naturally (whatever and however it really was) are the people who define who we are to a big extent. They shape our habits, change who we are and we change who they are. They leave deep prints in our lives, memories we look back to and times we look forward...We share dream and hope for the future, we count on each other and we expect that we'll always be there for each other every step of the way, through thick and thin!

However, over the last 7 years it has been my destiny to get detached from the people I love and know...

In 2004 I basically had to say good bye to my childhood friends, maybe to my childhood as a whole... I left Saudi and came to Egypt for university in hopes of starting a better and more stable life! It took me a good 1 to 2 years to get used to these changes... For a while there I thought I didn't need friends, MSN was my good companion... 

During my first year in university (2004-2005), I stayed at the dorms... I met people there from the different walks of life; friends from different countries, from different provinces within Egypt, friend who came to Egypt just to study while their parents and families lived  elsewhere... AGAIN as I left the dorms and as we all graduated, each of them has gone back to where they came from... and again... 

With the end of university in 2008... life got pretty busy with all of us! Some work abroad, some work 24/7, some got married, some got kids... we've changed jobs, met new people, left the new people, met newer people... it's a vicious and endless cycle!

And again YESTERDAY... was the farewell of two of my very dear and few friends... both heading to better futures and careers  in other countries! And honestly, as much as I wish them great and amazing lives... I'm upset... enough already, I'd like to have some people stay where I am in life! These two particularly I wanted them around for ever and ever and ever! Ya we'll meet again for sure (it's not an option not to) but I'll truly miss them! 

Will this be the end of it? Not really! I'd be kidding myself! I myself want to leave and change my life! I know a few other good friends who want to leave! I know it's a natural part of life.. a normal progression... but it's a damn killer! A sad one! True technologies have made keeping in touch an easier thing. We can talk and see each other! But it's not the same as being physically there! Sometimes things happen on the spot and you want someone to be there right then and there! 

I might just wanna look at a friend, share eye contact knowing she knows what I'm thinking, call for emergency tips on life, get excited over something that happened, go on relaxing trip or shopping frenzy... or call to gossip... or cry to them or laugh with them or simply just know they're around! And technology is good, but it doesn't make all that same! 

So these are the people in my life... globally dispersed! It's a good chance to tell them all: you guys are and will be missed! And I'm really doing my best to keep in touch and will always do in hopes that things will be always be the same between us and that we'll SOON meet again!

U all know who you are! 

Lots of love!

- Sigh!

The Scare of the White Hair...

Most people, and particularly girls, would think I'm insane to openly speak about white hair at the age of 25!


But seriously... all the girls I know, even younger than me... we can't deny that the white hair does exist! Some of us just have 1 white hair... it's become part of the generation identification!


I don't know about others... but for me, seeing a white hair gives me scare... seeing a white hair means I'll be having a bad day! It seriously bugs me!


I don't know why it gets to me... but something about growing older makes me grumpy (which I assume is only natural)! And even if a white hair at the age of 25 probably means nothing... it still makes me feel old! It makes me feel older than 25, and that sucks! It makes me feel like time as passing and I need to do something about my life!


Every time I see a white hair I do feel older than the time before! It scares me... I keep asking myself is this the same one or a new one... and I keep hoping it's the same old one! I ask myself what I have done since the last time I've seen a white hair! When the answer is usually nothing, I'm even grumpier!


Most people laugh and tell me not to let it get to me... but it does! The white hair is annoying and depressing and frustrating! I don't like it! 


Some people tell me I'm stupid for saying I got white hair! BUT c'mon it's a fact... it's an inevitable part of life! All the girls I know have got their own white hair to worry about!


White hair is an urging reminder that I need to get up and do something about my life! It's an urgent reminder that time is ticking and that I am growing older (even if I deny it)!


It is seriously depressing! The white hair is my enemy! 

Holding On...

Holding on to dreams can be hectic... especially after several trials to fulfill them that end with failure. Or after clear signs that tell you that achieving them is kind of impossible... 


I don't have much to say when it comes to such situations except that I pray for one of two things:

• Either God helps me achieve my dream OR
• God helps me let go of my dream

Either way I'd be more than happy... but being stuck at a cross road is just annoying... not being able to get what I want and not being able to let it go... both feelings are just overwhelming, tiring and frustrating...

Of course achieving my dream would make me dance around in circles... but if that won't happen letting go would also making me dance around in even bigger circles... 

I'm have dreams that I'm holding on too... and I'm not getting them achieved and that is stressing me out, frustrating me and it's all I think about day in and day out... And that depressing me and making me sad and make me doubt my confidence... So I'm hoping time passes by and I get to the point where I look back at these times and LAUGH...

So achieving them or not all I want is to laugh about my dreams for a change.


-sigh!

The Legitimate Wait...

So... basically in this post I'm asking for your opinion... I'm trying to figure out when do we say we've been waiting enough?


When does a person feel it's legitimate to pull the plug?


Let me be more clear! I'm just trying to find out when does a person feel it's okay to let go of a certain dream, goal or person... When do you let go without a fear that you've given up... When are you certain that you've really done all you can and there is no room for more what ifs?


Is there a legitimate time span or is not related to time? Can we claim that after a certain period of time it's okay to give up?


Does a person ever reach that point of satisfaction where they're certain they've done all they can do? Does this point even exist... 


How do we deal with the guilt conscious that keeps telling you that you've simply chosen the easy way out and gave up?


Is it right to keep trying and waiting for things to happen or is this a true denial of failure?


When does strong will to get to something or someone turn into stupidity, stubbornness and a lack of understanding of reality?


How many times should a person try to reach a goal? How many chances does a person give someone? How many odds should we stand against to achieve what we want?


How long does it take to finally admit to ourselves that it's time to let go?


Sometimes I feel it's okay to give up... knowing when to let go can sometimes be the right decision... That despite a strong desire to achieve something, you're actually showing more strength by letting it go...


My problem is that I don't know how to let go! I feel if I want something deep down I should never stop working hard to get it! However... sometimes it's just NOT meant to happen! Sometimes the more we try the harder achieving it becomes. 


So I'm asking YOU... when does it become okay to let go and give up on something or someone? What is the "legitimate wait?"

My Awareness That My Current Life is Temporary...

So, don't freak out from the title, I'm not going to speak life and death!


I was at this event called, TEDxCairo (pretty big cool event) and I herd a speech from Mr.Hesham El Gamal about achieving your dreams!


So of course that got me thinking, and I though... "is this the life I really want for myself?" 


Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty much okay with my current life, my family, my job, my friends, my studies... everything is running smooth, I wont complain! However, it's not my dream life!


I'm not going to brag about myself, BUT, I'm a person who likes art, I do amazing hand made artwork, calligraphy, I like writing, I'm talented at public speaking and presentations and my dream is to teach with passion! Deep down, I believe I can be famous and a positive influencer. 


I try my best to make use of the things I love, integrate them in my day to day, for instance this blog! However, it's not the same... I'm not really doing the things that I'm passionate about... like really really passionate, if you know what I mean.


I previously wrote a post called December in 2010, and how this month reminds us that a whole year has passed by without us doing what we really wanted to do. And here we are; 2011 is almost half way through and on  the personal level it's exactly like every other year before. It's going by fine, I'm doing well... but it's not going the way I've always dreamed it would.


But just fine is really not enough! Just fine doesn't give this overwhelming and satisfying feeling! It doesn't get you anywhere next to self fulfillment. 


So I herd that speech and I said... what the hell, I too can live my dream... turn it into reality. I came up with a definite conclusion that my current life is temporary... until I really get where I want... and where is that? I want to be a famous writer, inspired by art, and a teacher EVEN IF all this seems like too much and undirected... but that's the point, it's my dream :)


Good luck to me! 

Growing Older…

How does someone grow older?

Is it age? Sometimes I feel it has to do with age… I mean the day I turned 20 I wasn't too excited… and definitely the day I turned 25 wasn't thrilling at all!

However I realized that age isn’t always the indication of growing older…

I mean… there are days when I’m 25 and I feel younger than days when I was 22… if you get what I mean!

And those days when I feel young... I ask myself, why can't I just be that person everyday!? And the answer, I really dunno... I end up being old and grumpy uncontrollably! Like I'm helpless towards this disgusting feeling!

I feel growing older is a state of mind and emotions… Growing older means you worry yourself too much, you push yourself harder than you should, you punish yourself and you judge yourself harsher…

The more we immerse ourselves into problems, the older we get…

The more we worry, the older we get…

When we can’t careless and the weight keeps getting heavier; the older we get…

Telling yourself that you can’t do this because you’re not young anymore is the first sign of growing older…You convince yourself that you’ve grown when you haven’t…

You see yourself as old… although no one else does!

I figured that you can actually be young and spontaneous till the last day of your life… not immature… but young!

Laugh...

Sing...

Dance...

Go out...

Travel...

Take things as they come...

Worry less...

Believe it’ll work out on its own...

Let go of whatever it is that holds you back and makes you feel that way...

Do something stupid every now and then...

Stop being serious all the time...

Don't beat up yourself for things you cannot change...

Stop carrying more than you can hold...

I don’t claim I do that… on the contrary I do the exact opposite… and it pisses me off!

Lately I always feel old… Older than I am… Older than I should be… Emotionally and mentally older… I feel older than I deserve to be... Older than I owe it myself...

I even end up looking and sounding older than I am... people place me into this boring category!

And that just… makes me feel even sadder and hence… older! – sigh!

Busy Days…

Personally, I love holidays and having nothing to do… these times are a great reward!

However... these holidays are good when I'm in perfect and relaxed mood... when I have the intention to enjoy them...they need a particular mind set...

But there are times… when I have a problem or something bothering me…. During these times I really don’t like holidays… on the contrary I love busy days...

When this happens... free time just means sitting with loads of “time” to depress myself even more with negative thoughts… and… even if I try doing something I'm distracted and my thoughts are elsewhere…

Free time… when I have problems means that I sit in bed under covers… watching a movie with a big bag of chips… munching away to kill time!

The beauty of busy days is that they DO NOT give me time to think… I'd be caught up from one thing to another… from work, to meetings, to calls, to outings, to shopping, to driving… not a minute to think! - good for me!

I just don’t get any time to think about what’s bothering me… I don’t get the free time to sit and day dream about whatever it is…

I get home… and fall flat on bed and I'd asleep in seconds… rather than tossing and turning for hours … thinking and thinking… and I end up feeling even worst!

Empty days mean… I look at the clock and it’s 2:00 pm… next time I look it’s probably 2:02 pm… - not good!

Busy days mean… I look at the clock and it’s 2:00 pm… next time I look it’s 6:00 pm and before I know it’s already 11:00 pm and looking where my bed is... - perfect!

In busy days times passes faster…

I'm occupied…

I don’t have time to think…

Or to wait for things to happen…

Busy days are good… busy days are important and healthy…

I LOVE busy days... I NEED busy... I ENJOY busy days!

When There Is Nothing More To Do...

It’s really frustrating when you reach to a certain point in anything and you feel... that's it, there is nothing more you can do... more like you gave up or had have enough.... you become indifferent to whatever happens next!

This is the exact opposite of taking a chance on a happy ending that I mentioned in one of my previous posts… but seriously sometimes there is just nothing more to do… and I hate that deeply when it happens!

It’s a sign of defeat!

OR helplessness!

It's a waste!

You feel like you’ve exhausted all your options and you’ve put in your maximum effort and still there is no sign or hope that it works well…

The actual piss off… is when you actually had a good feeling about that thing and then you get to that point!

And my question is... is it right that we give up and accept that we’ve done all we can… OR do we just think we’ve done all we can?

Sometimes I feel I need to give up… and I tell myself that I should NOT feel bad because I’ve really done my best! And I do give up for a while! BUT then… I dunno I come back and say what if there was something more to do!

A freakin' endless cycle!

And this feeling of indifference… when you tell yourself, “Hell with it,” is a shame! ‘Cause when things that once mattered to you to stop to matter anymore… it’s like… I dunno the word… but a BUMMER!

And then come several questions... is it not working ‘cause of me? ‘Cause of the people? ‘Cause of the circumstances? ‘Cause it’s not meant to be?

I dunno… it’s just screwed up if you ask me!

I like to believe that some stuff aren't just meant to be...

I hate giving up… I do... I’m not the type of person who does! But I’ve come to accept that there are some stuff that you just need to put behind your back and move on… things and people that... I dunno... let's just leave it at that!

UFF! It’s just one of those days when I’m at the EDGE with everything :’(

- sigh -

You know what... hell with it... I'm NOT gonna depress myself over things I cannot change anymore... my next post will be A KILLER CHEERFUL POST! Heh! I owe it to myself :)