The Ugly Truth...

The truth as a matter of fact is always ugly...

Some stuff walk into our lives... confidently and fiercely... we try to resist them...
Then they assure us that they are realities...
And insist....
And they forcefully impose themselves into our lives...
Until we actually get used to them being there...
And we start accepting them as part of our lives...
We start to take what they say for granted...
And believe it...
And create stories in our heads about them...
We adjust ourselves that they've become part of our life..
Even for a while...
But we assume it'll last...
Because they told us so...
We get into a mind set that they're here to stay...
That maybe an imaginary story we had...
May turn into reality...

BUT then...
Once we do get attached...
The withdrawal starts...

We realize that perhaps we took what they said for granted...
May be a little too far...
And it confuses you...
When you realize that perhaps you have built sand castles...

The truth comes to you as a strong slap on the face...
Because all you've heard was not necessarily from the heart...

And you beat yourself up for fall for it...

And then you click REWIND....
And then REPLAY....
And most probably you realize that your resistance that came earlier had a reason for it...
That there were too many signs that you shouldn't have ignored...
That may be you're the one to blame for the situation you're in...
And you question how did you end up there?!?
AGAIN?!?

Perhaps the void you've had needed to be filled...
So you turn to the quick fix...
Regardless the fact that you know it wouldn't end well....

So you end up with nothing but...
Guilt...
Regret...
Humiliation...
Depression...
Sadness...
Stupidity....
Self-Blame...
Stress...
Insanity...

And a truth so ugly...
That  you're destined to carry on your own...
Add to the list of thoughts you want to forget...
Experiences you could have avoided living...
Unneeded self humility...

And all you have left is nothing but...
More rewinding and replaying...
Hoping you find an explanation...
Or figuring out how you ended up there...
Blaming yourself and only yourself...
Looking for a way out...
Or a way back...

BUT...
The truth remains the truth...
And it's UGLY!

Look What You Made Me Do!?

We often go through terrible experiences in our lives that put it in difficult, stressful and hectic emotional situations... situations that create heavy emotional burdens on us... and we try our best to find a way out of them. As a result, we turn to the nearest exit... the soonest way out in order to feel OKAY. Or perhaps tell ourselves that we're okay... even if it is just an illusion. And usually it is.

Anything to make you feel good again. Even if its temporary. And usually we do know that is bound to end. We think the distraction will do us good. But when this distraction is gone... we AGAIN get hurt. We think we won't but we do... so instead of feeling better, healing and moving on. We create more emotional scares for ourselves.

We don't find "new" reasons to feel happy! But we rather find "new" reasons to be hurt!

Most of the time... we often wake up from the exit when we find ourselves at another dead end.
This quick fix actually brings more trouble.
Because you fool yourself, you go through deep denial and therefore you take the very wrong decisions and you fall into bigger traps.
In stead of working on forgetting things that you want out of your system and moving on... you actually create more things to regret... you create more burdens and more mistakes...
You look around and you realize that the whole world has moved on and you're still right where you were... maybe even moving backwards.

When does a person learn... when do we actually move on. When do we actually stop fooling ourselves. When do we really move on free of denial... like get cured of this emotional shit we put ourselves through.

I do blame myself for moving from one trap to another. From one stupid mistake to an even bigger mistake. From one thing to regret to another crappy thing to regret!
But I also blame you.
I'm not mad at myself or others as much as I'm mad at you.
Seriously... in order to move on I took the wrong routes.
Really!
Look what you made me do!?

Holding On...

Holding on to dreams can be hectic... especially after several trials to fulfill them that end with failure. Or after clear signs that tell you that achieving them is kind of impossible... 


I don't have much to say when it comes to such situations except that I pray for one of two things:

• Either God helps me achieve my dream OR
• God helps me let go of my dream

Either way I'd be more than happy... but being stuck at a cross road is just annoying... not being able to get what I want and not being able to let it go... both feelings are just overwhelming, tiring and frustrating...

Of course achieving my dream would make me dance around in circles... but if that won't happen letting go would also making me dance around in even bigger circles... 

I'm have dreams that I'm holding on too... and I'm not getting them achieved and that is stressing me out, frustrating me and it's all I think about day in and day out... And that depressing me and making me sad and make me doubt my confidence... So I'm hoping time passes by and I get to the point where I look back at these times and LAUGH...

So achieving them or not all I want is to laugh about my dreams for a change.


-sigh!

Busy Days…

Personally, I love holidays and having nothing to do… these times are a great reward!

However... these holidays are good when I'm in perfect and relaxed mood... when I have the intention to enjoy them...they need a particular mind set...

But there are times… when I have a problem or something bothering me…. During these times I really don’t like holidays… on the contrary I love busy days...

When this happens... free time just means sitting with loads of “time” to depress myself even more with negative thoughts… and… even if I try doing something I'm distracted and my thoughts are elsewhere…

Free time… when I have problems means that I sit in bed under covers… watching a movie with a big bag of chips… munching away to kill time!

The beauty of busy days is that they DO NOT give me time to think… I'd be caught up from one thing to another… from work, to meetings, to calls, to outings, to shopping, to driving… not a minute to think! - good for me!

I just don’t get any time to think about what’s bothering me… I don’t get the free time to sit and day dream about whatever it is…

I get home… and fall flat on bed and I'd asleep in seconds… rather than tossing and turning for hours … thinking and thinking… and I end up feeling even worst!

Empty days mean… I look at the clock and it’s 2:00 pm… next time I look it’s probably 2:02 pm… - not good!

Busy days mean… I look at the clock and it’s 2:00 pm… next time I look it’s 6:00 pm and before I know it’s already 11:00 pm and looking where my bed is... - perfect!

In busy days times passes faster…

I'm occupied…

I don’t have time to think…

Or to wait for things to happen…

Busy days are good… busy days are important and healthy…

I LOVE busy days... I NEED busy... I ENJOY busy days!