Look What You Made Me Do!?

We often go through terrible experiences in our lives that put it in difficult, stressful and hectic emotional situations... situations that create heavy emotional burdens on us... and we try our best to find a way out of them. As a result, we turn to the nearest exit... the soonest way out in order to feel OKAY. Or perhaps tell ourselves that we're okay... even if it is just an illusion. And usually it is.

Anything to make you feel good again. Even if its temporary. And usually we do know that is bound to end. We think the distraction will do us good. But when this distraction is gone... we AGAIN get hurt. We think we won't but we do... so instead of feeling better, healing and moving on. We create more emotional scares for ourselves.

We don't find "new" reasons to feel happy! But we rather find "new" reasons to be hurt!

Most of the time... we often wake up from the exit when we find ourselves at another dead end.
This quick fix actually brings more trouble.
Because you fool yourself, you go through deep denial and therefore you take the very wrong decisions and you fall into bigger traps.
In stead of working on forgetting things that you want out of your system and moving on... you actually create more things to regret... you create more burdens and more mistakes...
You look around and you realize that the whole world has moved on and you're still right where you were... maybe even moving backwards.

When does a person learn... when do we actually move on. When do we actually stop fooling ourselves. When do we really move on free of denial... like get cured of this emotional shit we put ourselves through.

I do blame myself for moving from one trap to another. From one stupid mistake to an even bigger mistake. From one thing to regret to another crappy thing to regret!
But I also blame you.
I'm not mad at myself or others as much as I'm mad at you.
Seriously... in order to move on I took the wrong routes.
Really!
Look what you made me do!?

Sleepless Nights Crying...

So in contrary to my previous post about smiling this post is about my very long, sleepless nights spent crying!

Well, for the last few months I've had this thing that has started out in my life... at first it just kept me up all nights, many nights in a row... just staring at the ceiling hoping the night goes by... hoping that with the break of dawn things get better... and that keeping myself busy would distract me from all the pain...

Apparently I was wrong... because the pain just kept getting worst and worst... because before I just starred at the ceiling hoping the time goes by... aware of every clock "tick" "tock" BUT then it the pain got stronger and more intense. I would spend every single night crying... and nothing and I mean nothing I would do would seize my pain. I though of every way possible to make the pain stop. You name it, I thought of it! I even thought of physical ways with which I can end the pain... taking things into my own hands, doing the extreme measures.

I tried to do whatever I can to patch things up... I tried quick fixes and long term fixes. I tried helping myself and tried getting external help. Every possible patch I've tried. I tried my best in order to keep the final detachment as a last resort.

But as you'd expect... things would get better for just a short time and then I'd be back to square one... "sleepless nights crying;" even more the pain would get worst and worst....

I've reached to a point where I lost hope... like this cycle would never end... it because a living nightmare... how come something be so painful... how can it keep coming back no matter how much you try to fix it or push it away....

And then I decided I've had enough... it's time for this mess to end. The final detachment needs to happen. These quick fixes aren't working and things end up screwed again, probably getting worst.

So.. I finally STOPPED the pain and pulled it out of my system. And it wasn't easy! And unexpectedly complicated! And for a while... it hurt even more than the actual pain!

But it ended!

Right now I'm experiencing some withdrawal symptoms... the lingering pain... the final remains... but I'm getting better.

Sometimes remembering it even gives me the shivers.

And of course there is a scar left there to remind me daily of the hell I've been through...

But things are improving. Each day more than the day before.
I'm healing... gladly.

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And now... go back and read every single line of this post again. This time with a fresh a mind... because I wasn't talking about a person, like most of you probably thought, I was talking about one hell of a tooth that has keeping me up for nights and nights and finally last Saturday after several effort to fix it from cavity remove to root canals and crowns... I've pulled it out in one hell of a complicated, hurtful procedure. Because that tooth, just couldn't come out easy! It had to break into little pieces making my life even harder. But it's out and I'm relieved....
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Funny how the human mind sometimes works....

Reasons We Girls Smile...

There are so many reasons why we girls smile... Sometimes they're honest smiles and sometimes they're not... most probably every smile we've got has it's own meaning... a meaning we only know deep down because it reveals our true intentions...

We might smile because we really like someone or what's going on, or we might smile because we want to pretend like we like what's going on.

There is a smile that carries a lot of innocence with every thing this word could mean... and there is a smile that could carry seduction and an evil plan....

We might smile because we honestly carry good feelings for the moment or we could smile to hide loads of hatred and disappointment...

We might smile because we've just seen you, herd your voice or have you near...

We might smile because we're really out of words, nothing in the world would say how we feel or we could just have nothing to say and we're trying to avoid conversation. We might smile because we're completely indulged in whatever it is you're saying or we're just trying to seem interested...

Our smile could really mean we're truly happy and dancing deep inside or we could be smiling in order to hide utter and complete sadness and heart break...

We might smile because you're funny, or because we want you to think you're funny. Because we get what you mean or because we actually want to get you!

There is a smile that shows excitement, support and pleasure and there is one that hides anxiety, panic and fear...

We might smile because we love you or we might smile to make you think we love you. We might also smile in hopes that you would love us back. We might smile because we have you in our life, we might smile just thinking about you and we might smile because you just walked away.

We might smile as a replacement to saying we love you, we miss you, to thank you or to let you know we're happy you're there...

Sometimes we smile because you've taken us by great surprise...  or to hide the fact that we were expecting more..

We could smile at an inside joke we share or at the fact that we share nothing...

Sometimes we smile because we know it makes us look good...

Our smile could be naive and could mean that we fell for your game or it could mean that we're smiling because we know exactly what's going on and that we're being played.

We might smile because we've gone shopping and even more we smile because you're the one who paid...

We might smile because we know it makes you feel good and secure that things are okay...

Girls smile for so many different reasons... some are good and honest, coming deep from the heart and some are deceiving. Most of the time they're true smiles... Point is a girl's smile is always a charm... it's your call to know what that smile carries deep down because most probably... we'd never tell :)

Moment of Truth...

I've always lived by the believe that being the bigger, better person is really the right thing to do at all times. It simply means that you've decided to rise above the situation, to let go, move on and create peace with what ever has happened.

It also means you're the one who picks up the broken pieces, you're the one keen to to put things back on track. You're the one making the effort to make the ship sail... hoping it would one day get to where it should be going! Or at least... you hope it would keep sailing!

My previous post regarding this issue was kindda pissed off! I said that when you decide to always be the bigger,better person there comes a point when you explode! You explode because you end up feeling that you're the only one who cares... because sometimes you wish the other person would get up and do something to fix the mess!

Today... I'm not pissed! Today, I'm indifferent!
I don't care anymore to fix things! And I don't care that the other person doesn't care! And for me to get to this point... for me accept this willingly is a BIG thing! It might not really mean I've let go, but it definitely means I'm on my there! And if you know me at all, you'd know this is, not a step, but a LEAP!

I'm coming across a situation... and I'm asking should I decide to be the bigger, person AGAIN? Should I be at peace with all that has happened before! Personally, I think I'm at peace, I feel I've achieved it; however, I'm indifferent. I usually decide to go back and fix things when, and only when, I feel it would fix things, or make them better!

Point is, I no longer care that things get better!

Before I would worry about giving the person the impression that I don't care. Now I really feel there is nothing more I can do. If they want to think I don't care... I'm okay with it!

Today, sometimes I still hope things would be better, I can't deny it, yet... I have to say, I no longer have this passion to things. I've lost interest in fixing the past! It has lost all it's essence and beauty. There is no purpose in fixing things. If (hypothetically speaking) they ever get fixed... it might satisfy my ego, yet I'm not sure I'll be happy!

I'd do it if things stood a 1% chance of changing! However, I'm certain that going trying to fix things would result in more emotional damage for me because it's going no where. Because I'll be once again reminded that I'm the one who cares and I'm the one keen to putting in effort! I'll be back to the feeling that I need to explode or regret after I've hardly achieved the feeling of peace.

Peace is a much better, more relaxing option. Being indifferent is a lot easier than being pissed. It takes less out of my energy!

Today I'm facing a moment of truth! Being the bigger, better person is not always the right thing to do. Sometimes you need to rise above the situation. And by that, I don't really mean to go back and be the one to fix things. This time I mean it's time to rise above, step over the past, admit there is nothing more to be done and just move forward without looking back. 

The Opposite Of What I Say…

There is this quote that I’ve come across over the past while and I honestly don’t know who said or came up with it, but it became known across Facebook and it got me thinking; so here is how it goes...

"There's always a little truth behind every 'just KIDDING', a little knowledge behind every 'I don't KNOW', a little emotion behind every 'I don't CARE', and a little pain behind every 'it’s OK'."

I loved that quote the minute I saw it; for a while I thought I like it ‘cause it sounds real and cute… but then I was like damn!

Actually everything I say when I’m down, upset, hurt or exposed I usually mean the exact opposite…

So...

When I say… It’s no big deal; it actually is a huge deal for me…

When I say… I’m okay; I’m actually saying I’m really not okay…

When I say… who cares, I care a lot and wish people cared as well…

When I say… I never wanna speak to you again; I actually mean that I’d never wanna stop speaking to you…

When I say… I don’t wanna talk about it, I mean that I really wanna talk about it…

When I say… never mind, I do mind… A lot…

When I say… leave me alone, I actually want you there…

When I say… forget about it… it’s actually all I think about…

Sometimes I even say… “lol,” when I’m actually hurt and think there is nothing to possibly laugh at…

And the list can go on forever… I guess you got the picture!

So why do I say the opposite of what I think and feel? I really really really dunno! It could be ‘cause I don’t wanna make it seem like I care too much, or ‘cause I wanna sound like I’m strong and things don’t get to me…

And I realized I do end up giving the image that I’m MACHO, when I’m really not even close to it! People assume I’m a lot tougher than I really am, they think things don’t get to me, they think it’s hard for me to be upset… they think I’ve got stone cold heart… when as a matter of fact, lol, I’m the most emotional and sensitive person I ever came across… and I think that’s exactly what I’m trying to hide!

I think it even pushes people I care about away, ‘cause when I’m upset in general or from them, I ask them to leave me completely alone… what they don’t know is that I never want them gone!

So I’m basically confusing myself and others, if that makes any sense!

So, I don’t know if I got to work on changing that. Maybe I need to work on better expressing what I really wanna say and how I really feel! Or maybe there are people who would understand me better and would understand how I feel and what I’m trying to say when I say those things!

I honestly dunno… all I know is that how I feel turned out to be exactly the opposite of what I say!

May be you guys should tell me if any of you are like that as well... would make me feel better if I'm not the only one who feels something and says another!

Forgiveness...

Well... forgiveness is a power and a skill that I personally think when you have it is a blessing...

I'm not claiming I'm talented at it... or that I always manage to forgive the people that hurt or upset me, but to a very large extent I am a forgiving person most of the time...

However, I gotta admit that lately there are some stuff that I just couldn't let go... some stuff that have just left a deeply rooted print in my feelings & memory that I couldn't manage to let go... and it's not because I can't forgive whoever that person is, but it’s because they don't try to ask for forgiveness... like they're asking you to accept it and live with it... which as a matter of fact sucks and hurts even more!

I'm not saying that I haven't been the one to hurt some people before... of course I've been there and done that and I probably did it a lot... both intentionally and unintentionally... but every single time I do and realize I did, I always go back and ask for forgiveness... true some people don't accept it... and that hurts a lot; to know that you've hurt someone you care about that way... but I know deep down inside they do appreciate the fact that I care to apologize and ask for it.... because that's how I feel when someone does; and in the end of the day we're all human!

I just think people should apologize and ask for forgiveness to show that they care... and I believe that if someone does apologize the other person should accept it, 'cause we all hurt people along the way in some way or the other... and we all need a second chance to make things better...