2011... Is It REALLY a BAD Year?!

SO... whenever we refer to a bad year... we often refer to it in terms of stuff that happen to us on a personal level. However, 2011 is a bad year on a global level... I don't think anyone can argue with that!

Truly on a global level I think this by far is the year of natural disasters, famines, wars, deaths, disease, revolutions... So globally, I got to admit it IS a bad year and I'm really hoping the last day passes by smoothly, free of more catastrophes or more dramatic surprises!

HOWEVER...
Moving to a more personal level; which given our selfish human nature is usually the main way we judge things.... I STILL cannot make up my mind regarding whether it was a good or bad year...

Emotionally speaking... I've lost some very precious people that I hoped I'd be able to have for keeps! I was disappointed and hurt for a very long time and that made most of 2011 win the award for being the worst emotional year ever. I've also realized some friends, well are not really people you can count on...

On the ambitious and practical side of life... well, I GOT my masters degree and that was the highlight of the year. True, it came towards the last two weeks of the year... but it sort of changed 2011 around from being the worst year to being the best year ever... and ever since this achievement, all of a sudden I can't claim that 2011 is a bad year anymore! It kind of made me realize a lot of good things that I let the "emotional" stuff cover up and hide!

Even more... 2011 was the  best in my career history; I made new friends whom all have become so important and precious to me and towards the very end of it I've realized that some old friends are still gold and that there are people who can still see me from a unique and special perspective even if others did not! I've seen some of my friends in their happiest moments as well! And all that together made 2011, an OKAY year after all!

So UNLIKE any other year... where the personal stuff were worst than the global stuff... 2011 has been terrible on the global level (see my next post)... But on a personal level, although it started like the worst year ever; by the last quarter it smiled at me... and it smiled at me BIG! 

So my last words would be: Good Bye 2011, with your good, your bad and definitively your unexpected! Some days were terrible but all in all, it did pass and I learned a lot from every single experience and every single person! 2012... I'm hoping for the best, this year I'm trying optimism... Even more, globally I, like Miss Congeniality, do hope for World Peace!

A Year of Blogging!

So, I can't believe it, I've been blogging for a year already! Time does fly! I still get excited about writing a new post and checking the stats to see if people liked it or hated it! I also still do get excited about the number of comments and likes I get. It's kind of rewarding!

Even more, the whole experience of blogging that Garbage of the Soul has given me is great. The fact that I can come here and write whatever comes to mind is amazing. And believe it or not it is quite relieving... getting things off my chest and feeling like I vent about whatever bothers me is soul enhancing!

It's also more interesting when I have people tell me that they really relate to what I write. It means that although this blog is basically just about me, there are people out there who feel I make sense. That all this craziness in me and these contradicting emotions really have some sanity in them. It's also appeasing to know that what I write may stand a chance of giving relief to someone else.

Over the year the most constant criticism I got revolved around the name of my blog! Well, it could take people back a little, however I don't mean that what I write is trashy, it just means that this blog is a place where I can come in and dump all my thoughts and emotions into writing, hence clearing up and reviving my Soul! ~ it kindda makes sense if you think about it!


Anyways, here are the TOP 10 posts you all have enjoyed over the course of this year! In case you've missed them, take a chance to look at them when you can. Here they are; the highest read on top of the list:
GIRL in Egypt...
FACE Your Relationship Issues!
Laughing At Me...
Letting Go...
The Perfect Life of Others...
I'm BLESSED...
Let the Make Over Begin...
I'm PISSED!
Super Mommy :)
The Focal Point Of Our Lives…

Looking forward to another year of MORE blogging!

Remember to always let me know what you think :)

See to Believe...

We are often told a piece of information... and who ever shares it with us, assures us that it is true! Yet, for some unknown reason, we subconsciously refuse to believe it to be true...

We choose to live in denial either because what we've herd is just damn impossible or because what we believe just makes us feel a lot better than reality. Or maybe we fool ourselves by still believing in our gut feelings, which keeps nagging about how much whatever we believe is true! Even more, you could be someone like me who just has massive issues letting go!

And speaking from personal experience this denial can last for days, weeks or EVEN months... up UNTIL we get the wake UP call! We keep fighting and fighting the truth, searching for ways to defy it and prove it wrong... until we reach something! And this something, usually the ugly moment of truth, slaps us hard on the face! It tells you bluntly and clearly that what you've actually denied has always been TRUE!

I wish I believe things when I HEAR them... that would be easier and less hurtful! But to wait till I SEE things... this direct encounter with the truth... hurts more! If we just believe it from day one, we'd save ourselves from this harsh confrontation with reality!

Point is... our choices makes up end up here! All we can hope for, is to one day learn the lesson! 

                                                                              

~Sigh!

Moment of Truth...

I've always lived by the believe that being the bigger, better person is really the right thing to do at all times. It simply means that you've decided to rise above the situation, to let go, move on and create peace with what ever has happened.

It also means you're the one who picks up the broken pieces, you're the one keen to to put things back on track. You're the one making the effort to make the ship sail... hoping it would one day get to where it should be going! Or at least... you hope it would keep sailing!

My previous post regarding this issue was kindda pissed off! I said that when you decide to always be the bigger,better person there comes a point when you explode! You explode because you end up feeling that you're the only one who cares... because sometimes you wish the other person would get up and do something to fix the mess!

Today... I'm not pissed! Today, I'm indifferent!
I don't care anymore to fix things! And I don't care that the other person doesn't care! And for me to get to this point... for me accept this willingly is a BIG thing! It might not really mean I've let go, but it definitely means I'm on my there! And if you know me at all, you'd know this is, not a step, but a LEAP!

I'm coming across a situation... and I'm asking should I decide to be the bigger, person AGAIN? Should I be at peace with all that has happened before! Personally, I think I'm at peace, I feel I've achieved it; however, I'm indifferent. I usually decide to go back and fix things when, and only when, I feel it would fix things, or make them better!

Point is, I no longer care that things get better!

Before I would worry about giving the person the impression that I don't care. Now I really feel there is nothing more I can do. If they want to think I don't care... I'm okay with it!

Today, sometimes I still hope things would be better, I can't deny it, yet... I have to say, I no longer have this passion to things. I've lost interest in fixing the past! It has lost all it's essence and beauty. There is no purpose in fixing things. If (hypothetically speaking) they ever get fixed... it might satisfy my ego, yet I'm not sure I'll be happy!

I'd do it if things stood a 1% chance of changing! However, I'm certain that going trying to fix things would result in more emotional damage for me because it's going no where. Because I'll be once again reminded that I'm the one who cares and I'm the one keen to putting in effort! I'll be back to the feeling that I need to explode or regret after I've hardly achieved the feeling of peace.

Peace is a much better, more relaxing option. Being indifferent is a lot easier than being pissed. It takes less out of my energy!

Today I'm facing a moment of truth! Being the bigger, better person is not always the right thing to do. Sometimes you need to rise above the situation. And by that, I don't really mean to go back and be the one to fix things. This time I mean it's time to rise above, step over the past, admit there is nothing more to be done and just move forward without looking back. 

Cheer Me Up Mado!!!

Well by now I'm a pro on my own self cheering up! Yesterday I felt like crap... if you came across my blog you'd have noticed from the FOUR miserable posts (Lost, Distraction, CTRL & My Freaking Enemy...) that I've written that I was pretty much going down the drain!

HOWEVER...
Today, I'm different... I'm more laid back and chilled! Today... I'm smiling!

Do I sound disturbed!? LOL! Ya, I do, even to me... but hell with it! I'm realistic, yesterday I felt like shit! Today I don't! It happens! Today I decided to cheer myself and smile! I decided maybe I shouldn't really make it get to me badly! I decided even if I don't really feel at ease, I should smile and not think about it!

ANYHOW...
Let me tell you my plan on self mediating and cheering up! 

I gotta say, my blog has served me well. I'm the kindda person who feels better after I really express myself!  I write whatever I feel down and BINGO I feel better. If you ask me why, I'd simply tell you, it's amazing to get things off your chest!

For me... if something is annoying me, I need to get it out and speak about it. I need to express it and get it out of my system. I also figured that people don't always wanna hear about my personal issues! No one wants someone who really complains a lot, or makes a big deal outta every single emotion! SO that's where my dear precious blog kicks in. I get out whatever I've got bottled inside out... hence I call it, Garbage of the Soul! --- um, smart ain't I.

True, some people may read it and decide for themselves that I'm a whiner! But, really this is my personal space where I'm entitled to say whatever I want! I've created this blog to help myself feel better, to come and write it down here rather than exploding elsewhere! If they still find it quite disturbing to read... there is a lil "x" up in the corner that they're so likely welcomed to click on! LOL! I don't mean to be rude! But seriously, if no one is willing to hear me out, I might as well find a place to vent! Hehe!

Additionally, I got up this morning, got into my car, my sanctuary, rolled the windows down... hit the music to full blast! I let the cool chilly breeze run through my hair, putting an idiotic smile across my face and sung on the top my lungs with the music and I might have danced a lil :)  and I gotta tell you this insane, kiddish, idiotic feeling is all it really takes to make feel brand new! Makes me relieved... helps me push out all the negative energy I got bottled up. And I do smile a lot and laugh insanely when someone looks at me like I'm crazy!

So ya... yesterday I did feel like crap! I was at the bottom of ocean... pretty much felt like drowning! Today, regardless of what I might be feeling deep down, I'm back on the top floating! At least I'm smiling... and I'm looking forward to get back into the car and enjoy myself again!

So really, all it takes to cheer one is is him/herself! I don't need anyone to come and lift my ego...Me, myself and I are pretty much good at it :) So when I'm down, I know what it takes to make me feel better! I call on the one person I trust, the one person who is always there for me, and I tell her: Cheer Me Up Mado!!! She usually pulls it together, gets over herself and is there for me! 

My Freakin' Enemy: IN-CONFIDENCE!

If there is anything I hate in life it's those moments when I loose all confidence in myself. Those moments when I let anyone in the world make me feel or even believe like I'm not good enough!

I hate them! They seriously 'cause me great emotional damage!

I hate it when I feel so imperfect, as if it would be impossible for any one to accept me for who I am! As if I'm repelling or unbearable! As if it's too much to ask to be accepted for who i am! As if who I am is really an example of the worst person in the world!

Those disgusting moments when you feel people are drifting away from you just because they started to really get to know you. When you feel that even the people who once liked you are no longer able to be with you because of the person you to turned out to be!

Every time I start telling myself... may be I'm not too bad after all! Every time I start seeing some light! Every time I feel that people might start to really accept me as a whole, with my good and bad! Every time I start telling myself that I was wrong, that may be I'm not as bad as I always thought I'm quickly reminded that it's easy for anyone to let me go! That if I were to actually go I wouldn't be missed! That if people were given a choice between letting me go and trying to work things out, they'd easily choose to let me go! That people don't look back when I'm gone... no regrets! Maybe it's actually a relief!

I've come to a point where I warn people about me! Tell them, don't worry, once you really get to know me, you'll soon realize I'm not that good! Probably not good at all! Because fact is, every time I start getting comfortable, every time I start to let my guard down and just be me... people walk away!

Sometimes I loose interesting in getting to know people, because believe it or not... I pretty much know how it ends! People hating me... and me hating myself even more!

I actually start doubting myself, being too harsh on myself... judging myself... taking all the blame for everything and anything that goes wrong!

Those days when I feel like no one in the world can stand me just because of who I am! Those days when I feel my destiny of being alone forever has really been determined! Those are the days I hate the most!

Simple to some of you, people may say: "find out what's driving people away, and change it!" Easier said than done really! What if what drives them away is who I really am! Something in the deep core of my personality! Something I really cannot change! Something I can't fix or improve! I did and do try to change a lot, I keep telling myself, they must have a point! But I truly fail at changing the core of who I am!

If people can't really accept me for who I am... then what the hell am I living for! To change and be molded into the person others want to me to be! So I can fit into their life the way they want me to fit, regardless of who I am.

I don't really ask anyone to change for me! I never tried to even change them! I really go beyond all I stand for and I accept people the way they are. I absorb them completely! Their bad before their good! I have no problem compromising or looking at the bright side! I tend to overcome a lot of bad, just for a few good! If I have it in me to see forgive and go past what ever faults they have, why can't they do the same!!?? Yet everyone just tends to look at the half empty when it comes to me!

And it annoys me when it really gets to me! When I myself starting seeing the half empty! Like I forget anything that could be good about me! Sometimes I even stop to think there is anything good about me! I come to a point where I see the cup fully empty! 

They keep judging me and judging me and judging me... and framing me into these horrible characters. Once, twice and trice until I believe that I'm this person! I step back and silently agree to what they say! Even if I try to fight back and defend myself, deep down I'm crushed! Deep down, I sometimes or even most of the time believe I'm horrible person! Deep down I'm just upset that I need to defend myself simply for who I am! 

And my defeat and silence and acceptance do not always come from utter believe that their judgement of me is true. It comes from the fact that I've given up to prove that I'm a good person. Or an okay person at least! That I'm not really someone who is self absorbed into their own thing, who refuses to accept what others say! Who sees things just from their angle!

I do admit I have my own issues! I can go on for lists and lists about all the stuff about me that are wrong and disgusting! But I tell myself everyone has their own share of crap! Their own problems! No one is perfect.. everyone messes up! I can't be that bad! At least I hope I can't be that bad! 

Sometimes I wish people would take time to invest into getting to know me... at least to create fair a judgement of who I am. It drives me nuts when people think they have me figured out when they haven't. And regardless of what I do... they rarely ever change their minds! I hate it when they simply start believing things about who  I am that aren't necessarily true! I just wish people would really give me a fair chance to show who I really am!

But again... I come to think... it's impossible that everyone is wrong... that everyone hasn't really given me a chance! Something must be wrong... something must be so repelling! It can't possibly be that everyone lacks the ability to truly understand me!

I start telling myself, if I was really someone else... I'd probably not like me either! What's there to like? And that really sucks! It makes me want to throw up! My stomach goes in knots and I really loose the ability to breath!

I start seeing one fault after the other! I keep telling myself maybe I should change! May be I'm really not that good! May be I'm not good at all! Something must really be wrong, annoying and offensive about who I am. Something so strong that it pushes people away every single time.

May be I lack the ability to show the good in me! Or may be I have a problem that makes people misunderstand me, or personify as this unbearable person! Or may be I'm really just a terrible person! I end up wondering, if i don't really like myself, how do I expect people to like me!?

And this moments where I'm in-confident about who I am and everything about me is a killer! Because in these moments I'm really assertive that I'm not someone, anyone would want for keeps!

The disgusting fact is I don't know if this is a phase I go through or if I'm really this repelling character! Because apparently this phase is something I go through a lot! All I know is that I hate the feeling! This feeling is my true enemy because when it conquers me... it really starts pulling me backwards until I completely sink back! It fully drains my energy!

When it hits me... I really have no reason to keep going! I become restless towards everyone and everything! Life looses purpose! There seems to be no point in continuity! Like there is no hope for things to change! In-confidence is my enemy and I wish it would give me a break! 

CTRL...

I really didn't know what I should call this post..  it's a mix of a lot of things. Many many things! To start of and make it short and simple: as usual I'm pissed at myself! If you ask me why... I'll tell you it's all about CONTROL!

Sometimes I really wanna slap myself. I envy people who display self control and composure. Those who are able to stop themselves before saying something or doing something. Those who have the ability to stop speaking at the right time EVEN when they have stuff to say.

I really look at people with admiration... these people who know how to give the impression that they don't care! Those who know how to treat people coldly. I actually wish to learn from them.

My lack of control as to when to shut up and my urge to say everything on my mind makes me look and sound stupid even to myself! Sometimes I wanna make it look like I don't care! Even when I really do. I've even written earlier my post on how silence can sometimes be gold! 

What's even more annoying, is that little things drive me nuts! Little things that may seem to others unworthy, or undeserving. I'm the kindda person who is driven by emotions at all times. I don't believe that expressing how you feel whatever is it should be upsetting! I think if things didn't matter to me I wouldn't really care if they were going well. If I didn't want to make things better I wouldn't be bothered.

However, I do understand that some people don't like. That some people interpret it different. That it may seem like it's too much at times.

I also hate to reveal that I care too much. For some reason it makes it easier for me to get hurt. Sometimes I say too much... when I over express how I feel and people still choose to be cold and maintain their composure it makes me feel like they don't care even more... hence I get more hurt... and the vicious cycle goes on and on and on forever.

The whole idea of an abundance of emotions being met with rejection or coldness is simply hurting for me.

Even more, when I get comfortable around someone, my concern with controlling my self expression decreases... I feel the room for acceptance increases... my expectations increase... Yet, every time I'm kindda let down.

I can't say I am to blame for who I am... after all others aren't exactly perfect! However, I do acknowledge that they're not to blame either. I do understand that too much emotions can be annoying and frustrating.

This however does not mean that it gives others the right to judge me. It does not mean I need others to feel the need to improve me or make me a better person. Sometimes I even wonder if i accept for who they are, their faults included, there should be more room for acceptance from others towards me as well! Deep down I do believe if someone really took the time to know me they'd understand my intentions and drives they wouldn't be too annoyed!

I refuse to think that people think I'm some project that needs to change in order to fit their schema. My increased emotions tend to show in both negative and positive ways. I'm overly happy when I'm happy and I've overly sad when I'm sad. And I think it's okay to express it! I just don't get why people are okay with it when I'm being positive and are defensive when I'm upset.

I hate that every time something happens I have to go through the hassle of explaining myself... I think it's unfair and hectic. Sometimes I give up on it. And regardless of how much I talk about it, I never get to the point where I feel I've explained my intentions enough. I honestly, speak a lot, yet I cannot find the right words to explain how I feel so I just step back and give up.

I understand that people aren't expected to play a guessing game to figure out my intentions, however I just hope that people are a little more understanding and accepting. I believe, and I could be wrong, that I tend to accept people in which ever way they are, I think some equal treatment would be good.

Yet, it's safe to say that my inability to control myself expression and my high emotional drive has become a serious problem in my life. Minimizing it would certainly make my life and others lives simpler and smoother. It doesn't mean I'll be 100% comfortable or happy. It means I'm setting limitations, it means I gotta think twice before saying anything. I means I just can't be spontaneous anymore. It means I'm around someone I'm just myself around. My silence and distance means I'm upset and that I'm formalizing relationships. But if that solves it, then so be it. 

Sometimes I hope I find my CTRL button. That would make my life easier because every time I'm placed in a situation like this I promise myself that I'd display more control the next time... however I fail, therefore a button might help make life easier! It would be easier if I just click CTRL every time I'm getting too comfortable or too expressive... I really hate showing that I care when the people around me don't equally care!

~sigh! 

Lost..

Lately I'm just lost.

Too much of everything is going on and I'm not focused on any of them. There is too much work, too much studying, too much emotions, too many activities, a lot of drama, a lot of terrible discoveries, a lot of mixed feelings, a lot of personal conflicts, a lot of undefined emotions... 

I personally don't know if I'm okay! I'm just letting the days slip. All similar to one another. I'm fooling myself saying I'm okie... saying since the days are rolling it means I'm okie... but whenever I have a free minute, when I look deeply into my life I realize I'm a mess! A walking wreck! 

When I really think about I realize nothing is actually going right! I feel I have too many problems to really know where to start. So I choose to let it all go... fool myself into saying things didn't really happen! 

If you ask me why am I bringing it up now... I'd tell you last three - four weeks have been incredibly insane... in every aspect... and I'm still holding up. Every time I come to get into the details of the events I fall in disbelief and choose not to. I prefer ignoring them and being in denial for a change... 

My plan is basically to drain my energy out so when the night hits, I simply fall flat on my face and sleep in no time, giving myself no time to thing. 

I'm choosing to be lost because if I think too much I'll end up depressed and in loads of self pitty. So I'm choosing indifference. It's bugging me that I can't really define how I feel, but all I can say is that indifference seems to doing me right at the moment! I'd rather be lost than focused on the amount of crap I got going on! 

Oh well whatever... it's really whatever makes you go through the night!

Mom & Dad...

From the first minute we open our eyes to the world, we find two people who are simply devoted to taking care of us and to making our life better.

Mom & Dad!

Our parents are there for us from the first minute we set foot to life... giving us enormous love and support whenever needed. Even when we don't ask for it. Even when we don't realize that it's love. Never asking for anything in return. Their only payback is us being happy.

Our parents shape their entire lives in order to provide for us the best life ever... from the minute we're born, their lives revolve around what we want and how they would give it to us.

They work hard, day and night... to give us good lives, good education and to see our dreams come true. Then they work harder to put a smile on our face. And then they go the extra mile to make sure this smile stays there.

Anything to put a smile on OUR face. That's all they actually live for.

BUT...
Then we grow up...

We start having our own lives. Our own demands. Our vision. Our own plans and desires. We grow up and feel the need to shape our own lives... naturally!

We make plans for our careers, plans for our education, plans for traveling, plans with friends, plans with our partners and plans for our future kids...

The question is... When we make plans for our lives do we take into consideration where our parents stand in them?

Do we stop and ask ourselves where do our parents stand in the middle of all that?

Do we place them as a priority in our new plans like they've always treated us as their top and only priority?

Do we realize that as we grow up we become responsible for them and they count on us as their first and sole dependents in life?

Do we consider what they want? Or do we expect them to continue shaping their lives around our new lifestyles?

Do we realize that we sometimes leave them behind forgetting the impact it would have on them. That we sometimes lose focus. That we might make them feel less important over time.

Personally I don't think they mind... they still would do whatever makes us happy. From their perspective, I'm sure they're saying, "whatever makes them happy." They never expected anything in return in first place.

That doesn't mean we abuse it.

I don't claim I know what the future holds for me and where they would fit into the picture.

But I know I'll try my best to make them happy always and forever.

I'll make sure they never feel like they're not my number one priority. I'll never make them feel forgotten. I'll never make them feel less important.

I'll do anything...

Anything to put a smile on THEIR face.

Question to Life...

I'm literally bored... and when I'm bored I get a lot of time thinking which is something I officially hate 'cause I end up depressed...

So during my thinking process today, I ended up pissed at life (as usual, it comes along with being depressed)... I asked my myself a lot of stuff and then I realized they all revolve around one thing and pretty much one thing only!

Can we go on with life and never get what we want!?

Why is it that we're always unsatisfied? Is it a human greed? We never get enough? Once you get something you start searching for the next? OR is life really unfair to the extent that you can go on for ever and ever and ever and just never get what you want? Is it possible that we just end up praying for something and never getting it? Will we spend our lives just imagining how our life would turn out IF we ever get what we want? 

To me that's just a load of depressing crap!

Sometimes, perhaps to appease my anger, I tell myself that main problem is that we want the wrong stuff!

This issue has been nagging me for a while... I've always been questioning life, blaming life for being annoying and unfair! Sometimes even mean and harsh! 

I've just always felt it was easier blaming it on life... like it is never my fault things don't turn out well! 

UNTIL...

A few days ago a friend asked if I could help put some of his thoughts in writing... ACTUALLY he brought something to light under MY eye... maybe it's not that life is mean or that we wish for the wrong stuff! Maybe we actually don't know what we want! Maybe we lack an understanding of what it is that makes us happy and satisfied. 

Maybe we're not patient enough to wait for the right thing to happen! 

Hence we end going through all the wrong paths hoping to find what we want... or hoping to find the answers we keep looking for. We keep searching for whatever we hope gives us the satisfactory feeling of that missing element in our life!

Perhaps... we feel life that life does't give us what we want  because we ourselves don't know what we want.

We keep hoping that we get something or the other... but do we know if we actually want it? Are we sure that it will give us the feeling of completion... the satisfaction and happiness that we're looking for? Or is it just another wrong path we're taking!? Another puddle of confusion we're throwing ourselves in?

I guess this "WHAT IF" element to life is what drives us mad! Makes us feel helpless... unsatisfied and full of questions... Questions that can't be answered... because "what if" could simply happen, or not... and if it happens can just have a million different answers and outcomes! 

We keep hoping that others would understand us better, give us a chance... or simply hear us out! But do we even understand ourselves, do we hear them out... Do we even understand them!? Do we give life and people what we expect in return or are we just a demanding bunch of whiners?!

So I'm asking life or maybe me... What is it that I want from life? And will I go on forever without knowing what it is or never getting it?

I don't have the answer... I hope someone does!

BUT that doesn't change the fact that sometimes I wish life would give me a break and give me what I want... even if it would give me temporary satisfaction! 

I know, some people would say: this temporary satisfaction may later result in more troubles! 

I'd say: life is full of troubles anyways... some temporary satisfaction wouldn't hurt! It would give me closure knowing the outcomes of what I want, the answers to my "what ifs", that satisfaction that my prayers are answered and that it's possible to get what you want.

Today I'm depressed and hoping for temporary satisfaction.... HOWEVER, believe it or not... DEEP DOWN I do believe in Happy Endings, that Things Do Get Better... and that Satisfaction & Happiness are down the road to all of us! 

Music To My Ears...

So I love listening to music... again, let me make it clear... I love LISTENING not HEARING music...

Hearing means it's a background beat... don't get me wrong beats are crucial... but to me words count... wordless musicals don't leave the same print on my soul! I relate more to lyrics... I feel better using literal words to explain how I feel! That's why to me lyrics makes or breaks a song! Therefore I'm keen to listen to what a song really has to say!

Listening to lyrics and going away with your mind and emotions elsewhere... listening and saying: how come this song says exactly how I feel... is an AWESOME feeling!

Sometimes I feel we listen to lyrics only when we want to... sometimes I hear a song for years and years to go and then one day on my drive back home, I actually listen to it for the first time ever! I realize I never really listened to the words! Never knew it meant that way... and I just get overwhelmed... 'cause I realize the lyrics are great! They make the song... they change the way you hear it!

Music just takes you elsewhere... lyrics tells you you're not the only feeling a certain way... it tells you, it's okay to feel this way... it's with you when you're upset, cheers you up when you're down... it's with you in every occasion... from your birthday, to your break up, to your graduation... all the way to your first dance...

We create memories around songs... sometimes we hear a song and it takes us back somewhere we left a long time ago... brings back images, feelings and scents... reminds of things... and even if they're memories you prefer to forget... deep down this time shift and drift back in time... this nostalgic moment... makes you smile... even if it's not on the outside... you smile on the inside...

There are some verses that really make me feel different inside... some verses that I can hear over and over and over again... non-stop... enjoying them every single time as if I'm hearing them for the very first time!

Music could be be the only language spoken... it's amazing...

What counts is to listen... listen to the words and allow them take you elsewhere...

“Without music, life would be a mistake..." Friedrich Nietzsche - This quote is TRUE!

Complexity of Human Emotions...

Sometimes I really wish all people were equal to me... No one was more special than the other, no one was differentiated... No one was more loved or more hated....

And why is that... it's because of the complexity of human emotions... or perhaps it is just my complexity... I really dunno!

But some stuff do make me wonder...

Sometimes we argue with someone and we're completely okay with it; we speak after weeks or months (or we never do) and the whole thing doesn't even bother us... but come to argue the same exact argument with someone else and it's all you can think about and not speaking to them for several hours seems like the worst thing that has ever happened to you...

With other people, things just don't work out well for any random reason... and you really don't care or give 2 hoots; but on the other hand... things don't work out with someone else and you stay for days and nights, months and even years saying what if they had worked out... what if I did things differently, what if I was more patient... what if what if what if...

Sometimes we end things at a bad note with others and we really don't give a crap about how bad we might look to them and what they might think of us... but on the other hand, with someone else you really work hard on proving that you're a good person, you still care what they think although it won't ever work out and deep down you want to go back and change the way things ended...

How come sometimes you feel you were rude to someone (intentionally or unintentionally) and you are okay with it; while others... you beat yourself up for it every time you remember!

How come you give up on some people and it doesn't even cross your mind that you did, but others, you keep wishing everyday you were more patient, you keep telling yourself you didn't give them enough space or time... you keep asking yourself how on Earth did I give up on such a valuable person?

How come it's so easy to tell some people it's over, but others, you're not able to speak the words 'cause you're too scared of losing them?

How come we sometimes don't speak to people for years and then you remember it's their birthday and you quickly pick up the phone and wish them; while others.... no matter how much you want to make the call, you just can't get yourself to do it 'cause "hypothetically," you've moved on...

Actually, how come we sometimes forget the birthdays of our direct family members, but others, whom no longer exist in our lives we still remember their birthday every single year...

Why is it that some people just don't leave any sort of print in your life, but others, when you meet someone with their same name... you get lost for a few minutes in your own world of thoughts and you either frown or smile...

And how come, it easy to tell some people how much you love them, miss them and how life would be hell without them but others... you can't say it 'cause you're trying really hard to hide the fact that you do love them, miss them and that life without them is living hell 'cause you're the only one who knows that to that particular person these words mean differently?

How come some people that were once very close to you, now don't matter anymore and it doesn't bother you, but others, that you might have never really seen before matter so much and you keep wishing you really got to know them better?

How is it that there are people so close to us and we speak to them everyday then all of a sudden we get distant and you accept moving on; but others, letting go seems to be the hardest thing ever?

How come we sometimes see the rationale behind something not working out and the need to end things, but with others... grasping that parting ways is the right thing to do is just beyond your imagination and capabilities?

How come some people walk in and out of our lives and we never look back, but others, you might know the for an hour, a day or a year and they are able to cross your mind every single day as you open your eyes and before you go to sleep.

This list can go on forever really...

Sometimes I wish all people were equal to me... I love caring about people and I love having special people in my life that matter to me... but it has its downfalls too! Sometimes I wish that with all people once things are over and done I don't look back, I don't think twice and I don't say what if... But the point is... they're all people who walked out of our lives... people who took their chances one way or the other and left... things have ended because of you or them... the point is it ended and it's over! So in fact they are equal... but it's the complexity of our emotions that makes it harder from one person to the other...

And I wonder if some people who really do/did matter to me, but things did not work out with them for any reason... am I someone they look back to and remember or was it an easy case to them that they never flash back to... do they ever ask what if?

The only thing I'm sure of is that I really DO NOT want to know the answer to this last question!

I Want A Dog…

I’ve always wanted a dog… but lately I want a dog even more. When I come to think about it, I realized I want a dog ‘cause I want a real friend…

Honestly… humans have always proved to me that they are a terrible investment… you keep working really hard to making things go well… not just in relationships, even friendships and then BOOM, it turns out like a major FLOP! I dunno, they always manage to disappoint you…

When I’ve come to think about my true and honest friends over the past while, I realized they’re only two… the books I read and my laptop… even my laptop not so much ‘cause it get me in touch with people… and I honestly sometimes just want to be left alone…

So I really just want a dog… I want to travel AWAY with my dog... just me, my dog, a couple of books and the beach! AWAY AND ALONE! Seriously, I’m sure he’d be more loyal, understanding and compassionate!

UFF!

I’m sick of getting disappointed at people… seriously sick! It hurts and it sucks! Honestly! UFF!

I put in too much effort, time and emotions into being a good friend and then something happens along the way and I realize I have no one to count on, no one who really gets me, no one who really cares…

I put in a lot and it turns out that rather than people appreciating it... they are annoyed! Seriously... people are not worth it!

I'm sick of counting on the wrong people... I'm sick of trusting people who turn out to be unworthy of it... I'm sick of believing in people... I'm sick of exposing myself to people who will hurt me... I'm sick of people who don't see except the bad side in me... I'm sick of people not valuing me enough...I'm sick of giving too much and seriously getting nothing in return... I'm sick of people in general!

And I honestly hate myself for letting such people get to me and hurt me. I'm sick of it! It makes me hate myself for caring too much! It makes me hate myself for giving a damn! UFF!

I give people a second chance... they abuse it AND turn it against me! It is honestly ridiculous!

I HONESTLY feel like an idiot... and I hate myself for caring too much and for letting people take advantage of me this way!

I hate that they completely throw me outside my comfort zone and make me rant the way I'm ranting!

And it's funny they think 'cause I let it go by once or twice or even TEN times... they're gonna be able to do it over and over and over again! As if I exist to get screwed by them! But what they don't know is that everything has a freakin' end to it! I come to a point where I've really had enough! I have had enough of taking crap from others!

Maybe I have high expectations in humans because I’d be willing to do so much… and then I’m surprised with a little in return… but if people don't appreciate it and aren't willing to do anything in return... I'm done!

They’re just not worth the investment… and I’m sick of it… I’ve come to a point where I no longer care anymore… it’s like whatever happens, happens.... whoever wants to be a good friend can be a good friend and who ever doesn’t care… hell with him or her!

I'm seriously just blabbing right now, but NO words can actually express the rage I'm in or how hurt I am!

I really just want a dog… I really need to find someone, anyone, any creature who is loyal.

UFF!

Disconnect to Connect…

I’ve recently come across the following expression: “Disconnect to Connect”

First on it didn’t make much sense because I feel like I currently can’t live without being connected to:

My 600 something Facebook “friends”

My 200 something MSN contacts

My 80 something What App contacts

My 40 something BBM contacts

Skype, G-Talk, Hotmail, G-mail, Work e-mail, University e-mail, LinkedIn…


Not being digitally connected makes me feel isolated and frustrated… if I don’t have my BB I’m searching for the red light notification everywhere like a manic!

Yet in the same time, as much as I feel connected digitally, it doesn’t mean I’m as connected offline. I might know so much about the people I’m connected to online, but the truth is if I run into them in an offline social gathering I might not have that much to speak to them about… let alone we may pass by each other and be complete strangers!

Who we are online isn’t the same person we are offline… we act differently, we speak differently and interact differently…

Being socially connected online will never replace being social offline. I feel the more connected you are online, the less connected you are offline! It’s an inverse relationship.

So when I think about it… it isolates me more rather than connects! It messes up real and actual social relationships

For instance:

You wish your friends a Happy Birthday online rather than personally…

You talk on bbm / Whats App rather than call...

You create events and invite people electronically…

You chat rather than talk…

You announce BIG news like getting engaged, getting married or being pregnant through a post…

The list can go on…

Being able to talk online or to keep in touch through new technologies doesn’t mean people have real relationships, true friendships or intimacy… unfortunately sometimes!

I’m not denying how valuable technology and new digital networking are… but like anything else… it gives something… and takes away another!

Sometimes we just need to disconnect in order to really connect with one another! We need to unplug…