Moment of Truth...

I've always lived by the believe that being the bigger, better person is really the right thing to do at all times. It simply means that you've decided to rise above the situation, to let go, move on and create peace with what ever has happened.

It also means you're the one who picks up the broken pieces, you're the one keen to to put things back on track. You're the one making the effort to make the ship sail... hoping it would one day get to where it should be going! Or at least... you hope it would keep sailing!

My previous post regarding this issue was kindda pissed off! I said that when you decide to always be the bigger,better person there comes a point when you explode! You explode because you end up feeling that you're the only one who cares... because sometimes you wish the other person would get up and do something to fix the mess!

Today... I'm not pissed! Today, I'm indifferent!
I don't care anymore to fix things! And I don't care that the other person doesn't care! And for me to get to this point... for me accept this willingly is a BIG thing! It might not really mean I've let go, but it definitely means I'm on my there! And if you know me at all, you'd know this is, not a step, but a LEAP!

I'm coming across a situation... and I'm asking should I decide to be the bigger, person AGAIN? Should I be at peace with all that has happened before! Personally, I think I'm at peace, I feel I've achieved it; however, I'm indifferent. I usually decide to go back and fix things when, and only when, I feel it would fix things, or make them better!

Point is, I no longer care that things get better!

Before I would worry about giving the person the impression that I don't care. Now I really feel there is nothing more I can do. If they want to think I don't care... I'm okay with it!

Today, sometimes I still hope things would be better, I can't deny it, yet... I have to say, I no longer have this passion to things. I've lost interest in fixing the past! It has lost all it's essence and beauty. There is no purpose in fixing things. If (hypothetically speaking) they ever get fixed... it might satisfy my ego, yet I'm not sure I'll be happy!

I'd do it if things stood a 1% chance of changing! However, I'm certain that going trying to fix things would result in more emotional damage for me because it's going no where. Because I'll be once again reminded that I'm the one who cares and I'm the one keen to putting in effort! I'll be back to the feeling that I need to explode or regret after I've hardly achieved the feeling of peace.

Peace is a much better, more relaxing option. Being indifferent is a lot easier than being pissed. It takes less out of my energy!

Today I'm facing a moment of truth! Being the bigger, better person is not always the right thing to do. Sometimes you need to rise above the situation. And by that, I don't really mean to go back and be the one to fix things. This time I mean it's time to rise above, step over the past, admit there is nothing more to be done and just move forward without looking back. 

Pissed at ME...

I realized it is a lot easier being mad at someone than being mad at your own self.

I spoke earlier about the stupid moments we get in life and how we should try and avoid them. However, that doesn't mean I succeed at doing do every time.

This post is a post-stupid moment and I'm seriously pissed at myself. Regret is eating out my guts cause I could have easily avoided this situation I was put in or at least what I’m current feeling. And it annoys me that I voluntarily placed myself in these shoes.  

I took an action knowing it would lead to crappy endings and I couldn't stop myself from doing it.  I hate that I keep saying next time I'll be stronger, that I’ll have more self control, more sanity, more logic… that next time I'll stick to my own self vows... But I fail myself. And that’s the worst type of failing!

It's hard when you're angry and you can't take it out on anyone because you're the one to blame. You're the one to blame for making yourself look bad... You're the one to blame for your own self humility! The excuses you’re giving yourself don’t make any sense because you already knew it would end badly! Nothing could’ve possibly given you hope that results could be different.

I'm in lots of anger! Yesterday I took a decision to do something and as I did it I already knew I should slap myself on the face a good one. And now the aftermath of it is worst… this feeling of regret is a serious killer for me! And I can’t believe I did that to myself!

I'm back to having a knot in my stomach. This feeling as if I've seen is ghost is deeply hated. I hate it. I actually hate me right now!

When There Is Nothing More To Do...

It’s really frustrating when you reach to a certain point in anything and you feel... that's it, there is nothing more you can do... more like you gave up or had have enough.... you become indifferent to whatever happens next!

This is the exact opposite of taking a chance on a happy ending that I mentioned in one of my previous posts… but seriously sometimes there is just nothing more to do… and I hate that deeply when it happens!

It’s a sign of defeat!

OR helplessness!

It's a waste!

You feel like you’ve exhausted all your options and you’ve put in your maximum effort and still there is no sign or hope that it works well…

The actual piss off… is when you actually had a good feeling about that thing and then you get to that point!

And my question is... is it right that we give up and accept that we’ve done all we can… OR do we just think we’ve done all we can?

Sometimes I feel I need to give up… and I tell myself that I should NOT feel bad because I’ve really done my best! And I do give up for a while! BUT then… I dunno I come back and say what if there was something more to do!

A freakin' endless cycle!

And this feeling of indifference… when you tell yourself, “Hell with it,” is a shame! ‘Cause when things that once mattered to you to stop to matter anymore… it’s like… I dunno the word… but a BUMMER!

And then come several questions... is it not working ‘cause of me? ‘Cause of the people? ‘Cause of the circumstances? ‘Cause it’s not meant to be?

I dunno… it’s just screwed up if you ask me!

I like to believe that some stuff aren't just meant to be...

I hate giving up… I do... I’m not the type of person who does! But I’ve come to accept that there are some stuff that you just need to put behind your back and move on… things and people that... I dunno... let's just leave it at that!

UFF! It’s just one of those days when I’m at the EDGE with everything :’(

- sigh -

You know what... hell with it... I'm NOT gonna depress myself over things I cannot change anymore... my next post will be A KILLER CHEERFUL POST! Heh! I owe it to myself :)