A Perfectly Wasted First Experience...

There are certain experiences we go through in life that we create certain dreams for... We create this vision for them and we imagine how they would happen...

And I'm not quite sure reality turns out to be as is....

These experiences could be...

Your first day of university classes...

The first car you drive... 

Your first date...

Your first relationship...

Your first job...

Your first pay roll...

And actually we put in great effort imaging how this thing would be and go about... 

But usually this experience comes and goes... 

And you'd hate it!

And you keep wishing you have done it differently....
Waited longer...
Been wiser....
Saved it for the best... 

You feel that your special first experience has gone completely in waste...

And it's annoying...

And frustrating...

And disappointing...

And you don't know if you're upset the experience didn't go well...
Or if your vision of that "first time experience" didn't go as you planned....
Or if you are are to blame for it being a flop...

But point is this first experience is GONE and NOT COMING BACK...
We are entitled to some crying over it...
But no crying would actually undo it and give you a second chance at changing the facts...

But then you wipe your tears...
Get up...
Tell yourself more and better experiences are yet to come...
You pray for forgetfulness...
And the ability to let go...
And the ability to move on...

And eventually we do...
We might not forget...
But we learn to live with the facts of this experience...
Try to learn from it...
Avoid it...
And hope the second on is better...
Maybe the third...

BUT in the end of the day...
Maybe we shouldn't worry about the first experience...
But rather one that would last because this is the one we live with... 

The GOOD People We Meet in Life...

Life is pretty random, ironic, frustrating and unfair!

I keep searching for positive stuff to write and I can't help but fall into the negativity trap! It just runs to me with arms wide open!

I even tried stepping away from my self and finding positive stuff to write... stuff I see in other people and my surroundings and I still spot on negativity... 

I have to admit that even when I rarely find something positive to write about, it's short and stupid and inexpressive... I fail to be positive and to express positivity... Perhaps I have not yet run into something that is positive enough to move me and get me writing passionately...

ANYWAY...
I've recently noticed some great people in life... (don't get your hopes up, this isn't positive, not even close) like good people... amazing people who are simply just GOOD inside out... 

YET...
Strangely enough... I've also noticed that these GOOD, awesome people don't seem to be getting what they deserve... These people need tons of love, care, passion, consideration, appreciation, warmth, and thankfulness for their mere presence in life. At least for the fact that they wish you good morning with a smile...

I don't know what's up with life being unfair! It's beyond me to understand why some jerks are surrounded by lots of loving people who are willing to give them everything and anything... and the real actual GOOD nice people are surrounded by others who don't value them or deserve them!

It's beyond me to understand why these nice people get a life of unhappiness... worry... and lack of emotional support. Why their expectations are never met! Why they keep getting let down once, twice, trice and forever... Why they're surrounded by jerks who just mistreat them and cause them pain and disappointment. Why aren't they appreciated and valued. Why does BAD LUCK just keep chasing them day in and day out! Why they get pushed around and treated like invisibles!

It's beyond me to understand why these GOOD people are the ones who end up heartbroken, who go to sleep at night crying or worrying about tomorrow, why they end up with husbands and wives who doesn't deserve them, kids who don't value them and friends who forget them... Why are they the ones who end up neglected and ignored!

It's beyond me to understand why some people choose to be rude and hurt someone who has been nothing but super nice to them!

It's beyond me to understand why some people emotionally SCREW up other who have always been there for them and are keen to never making them feel bad.

The list can really go on forever... 


Why can't life give them a damn break and give them a reason to keep going; to continue being good... make them feel that they weren't fools all along for being this GOOD, decent, nice, caring.... (this list can also go on forever)!

It honestly pisses me off! They just deserve so much more! I can't find the words to explain what they deserve... BUT for a fact they deserve a lot more from everyone around them! These people aren't good, they're GOLD! They deserve to be treated like they're kings and queens! They deserve to be surrounded by people who love them and are willing and capable of giving back to them, even when they don't ask for it!

Why can't life just do some freakin' mixing and matching for a change. Give the jerks to the jerks and the nice ones to the nice ones.

Life is unfair... it's a fact I learnt to be true with every single passing day. A fact that I've come to accept. I've also come to accept that thinking otherwise is naive and stupid. 

I have met GOOD people in my life... and if life and others choose to be jerks to them... I can at least try to be nice to them back until life does it's magic and treats them well one day... or so I hope! I also choose to believe that one day goodness will be paid off by life! AT LEAST, it's a reason to keep going!

SIGH!

Silence is Gold...

I have a serious problem shutting up! 


When I'm filled up with negative feelings... I can go on and on and on about it until I feel better. My ability to rattle about things none stop is actually driven by good intention... I believe that when you let things out... you eventually sort out problems and things get better. I believe that once people discuss what is bothering them that we reach happy endings! I believe it's better than holding grudge... little do I know I guess!


I also feel frustrated when I have something to say and I don't... I feel trapped! So once I get a chance to say it... I fire! Additionally, I don't believe my anger, hurt and frustration can be said in a few words... so I keep saying it over and over and over in different way... trying to find the best words to explain how I feel.


It also seems that I'm just blaming the other person for everything... like I'm a victim... that's not how I plan to make it sound...


Believe it or not... it's unintentional and out of good intentions.... and it's yet beyond me to stop!


I do it out of the believe that when people are close enough there is space for "3etab and 3asham" two Arabic words (which I can't find the right descriptive English words for them) that I believe for them to be the core of healthy relationships!


People tend to disagree... they think I'm nagging, saying stuff over and over... and they think I don't know how to stop and when to stop... They think it's annoying and frustrating and a never ending process! They think I'm anti-happiness! 


Putting myself in their shoes... I get where they are coming from... I usually mess up when I'm talking... Since I'm totally driven by emotions, I sometimes use big and hurtful words. Usually when I'm saying what I say I don't feel good. Sometimes I wish I can stop myself... I try and I fail miserably... It's built within me... it is something I regret doing every time... I wish I can give people a break and a chance to improve things... but instead I go on and on and on...


I assume people, who are considerably close enough, would get the mechanics that drive me, would understand my good intention behind it... but they don't and probably never will. I assume people would be able to move past all that has been said and work out things... but that's clearly not the case!


Silence is GOLD! I deeply believe this is true... silence saves me from looking bad, self humiliation, regret.... it saves me from having to say sorry later 'cause no matter how right I am I still seem like the one to blame! My "anger and emotions talking" spoils all possible good things! It clearly puts people on their edge! It puts me in a situation where I owe people explanations that I don't actually have to give... It puts me in a position where people can't ever come back to make things better because according to them too much damage was made! So although they should be the ones coming back... I'm the one who always has to go back and fix things!


When I look back there are many times when I wish I remained silent... I keep asking myself what if I remained silent would things have been different?! So I'm trying my best to practice silence... to learn from previous mistakes. I'm practicing when to stop myself and shut up! I'm trying to learn when I've said enough! I'm trying GOLD!

Holding On...

Holding on to dreams can be hectic... especially after several trials to fulfill them that end with failure. Or after clear signs that tell you that achieving them is kind of impossible... 


I don't have much to say when it comes to such situations except that I pray for one of two things:

• Either God helps me achieve my dream OR
• God helps me let go of my dream

Either way I'd be more than happy... but being stuck at a cross road is just annoying... not being able to get what I want and not being able to let it go... both feelings are just overwhelming, tiring and frustrating...

Of course achieving my dream would make me dance around in circles... but if that won't happen letting go would also making me dance around in even bigger circles... 

I'm have dreams that I'm holding on too... and I'm not getting them achieved and that is stressing me out, frustrating me and it's all I think about day in and day out... And that depressing me and making me sad and make me doubt my confidence... So I'm hoping time passes by and I get to the point where I look back at these times and LAUGH...

So achieving them or not all I want is to laugh about my dreams for a change.


-sigh!

Stupid Moment Glorified...

So earlier I wrote about the general moments of stupidity but I gotta say currently I'm experiencing a severe and intense one of them...

I also wrote the following part in one of earliest posts called Letting Go:

"So, I'm hoping this blog here helps me out... 'cause I like to write... so instead of getting in touch with whoever that person is and saying what ever I need to say... I'll come here and write it, get it out of my system... get it off my chest... until I one day I just really let go..."

So here I am, venting my stupid moment on my blog rather than doing something stupid I would regret!

So.. my stupid moment is that moment when you miss someone you shouldn't be missing! I've this urging and itching feeling to get in touch with someone and I know it's getting me no where!

I've written the sms and deleted it, I've written the FB message and deleted it, I've prepared an e-mail (and that's still my drafts, hope I do delete it soon)... I've started dialing and stopped myself... I've rehearsed a call then changed my mind!

But I do have words that I have to say and I need to get them out out of my system so I'm writing this... because as a human I just need to vent sometimes! I need to talk about my feelings... because keeping them to myself more and more and more is just plain hectic! I'm tired of it! Because if don't get it out, I'll crack! Really soon!

As much as I wanna take action, say I miss you, see how things go... as much as I know it's stupid... as much I know it's pointless as much as I know it's heading no where, as much as I know it means more regret and feeling like a fool later...

As much as I wanna call it hope, second chances, trying to be better, sacrifice, compromise... on the other side there is another voice in me screaming: pride, you've tried enough, it's pointless, you'll get hurt AGAIN... and you're just being plain stupid!

As much as I want to believe that whatever words I have to say could have the ability to change things around, I know this dream or hope is driven merely by an intense wave of emotions and isn't true!

And as much I want to believe that if things do change around I will be happy... as much as I want to believe that something good can happen... a big part of me is uncertain, reminding me of how many times I've already tried and how many times I've already been hurt!

Part me of is slapping my in the face saying: Seriously! Haven't you had enough!? Where the hell is your sense of pride!? What on earth makes you think things will change? Didn't you say you won't be putting yourself in this damn position again!? Didn't you say it's that person's turn to make a move! Didn't you say even if that person makes a move you're plainly saying NO!

But the other side of me is answering simply: I can't help it! I'm willing to sacrifice if there is hope!

BUT reality, practicality and experience say: that's just stupid!

So i'm feeling stupid right now. I'm really trying hard to practice my ability to let go, my ability to stop myself and fight temptation of stupid emotions, I'm really trying to tell myself no!

But bigger than all those feelings I'm missing someone and neither can I do anything to bring me closer to that person nor can I stop this overwhelming and tiring feeling! And that just sucks!

And knowing that it's pointless and still being in denial and thinking about it... makes even stupider! Uff! Gosh!

I hate where I am now! This helpless and weak will is just a killer! And i hate it!

-sigh!

This is one post I'm not publicizing... this is one post I'm not sharing on Facebook and Twitter, maybe 'cause I hate how I'm feeling, maybe I'm embarrassed, maybe 'cause I hate being this weak and exposed and maybe 'cause I don't want everyone I know to see how stupid I am. I'm writing this because I just NEED to vent and let it out! So if you come across this post, as much as I want you to tell me to have hope and go for it, to trust my gut feeling, to get in touch to tell the person "I miss you", I would rather have you talk me out of it! Please!

When There Is Nothing More To Do...

It’s really frustrating when you reach to a certain point in anything and you feel... that's it, there is nothing more you can do... more like you gave up or had have enough.... you become indifferent to whatever happens next!

This is the exact opposite of taking a chance on a happy ending that I mentioned in one of my previous posts… but seriously sometimes there is just nothing more to do… and I hate that deeply when it happens!

It’s a sign of defeat!

OR helplessness!

It's a waste!

You feel like you’ve exhausted all your options and you’ve put in your maximum effort and still there is no sign or hope that it works well…

The actual piss off… is when you actually had a good feeling about that thing and then you get to that point!

And my question is... is it right that we give up and accept that we’ve done all we can… OR do we just think we’ve done all we can?

Sometimes I feel I need to give up… and I tell myself that I should NOT feel bad because I’ve really done my best! And I do give up for a while! BUT then… I dunno I come back and say what if there was something more to do!

A freakin' endless cycle!

And this feeling of indifference… when you tell yourself, “Hell with it,” is a shame! ‘Cause when things that once mattered to you to stop to matter anymore… it’s like… I dunno the word… but a BUMMER!

And then come several questions... is it not working ‘cause of me? ‘Cause of the people? ‘Cause of the circumstances? ‘Cause it’s not meant to be?

I dunno… it’s just screwed up if you ask me!

I like to believe that some stuff aren't just meant to be...

I hate giving up… I do... I’m not the type of person who does! But I’ve come to accept that there are some stuff that you just need to put behind your back and move on… things and people that... I dunno... let's just leave it at that!

UFF! It’s just one of those days when I’m at the EDGE with everything :’(

- sigh -

You know what... hell with it... I'm NOT gonna depress myself over things I cannot change anymore... my next post will be A KILLER CHEERFUL POST! Heh! I owe it to myself :)