LOVE.... Is Everywhere!

Once we hear the word "love," we mostly probably get mushy, gushy feelings. We envision flowers and hear humming. We're tempted to say "awwww!" We see a couple hand in hand at the beach...

And despite the fact that this scenery is mind blowing-ly nice and a dream come true to most of us, I got to say that it is degrading to "love."

Love is a lot more than a guy a girl... love is not just romance, love songs and roses. We've become manipulated by the books we read and the movies we see that feed into our brains that if you don't have a significant other you are not loved.

I often fall into this trap.

However, gladly, I've recently learned that there is a lot more to love... I've opened my eyes and heart to feel love... love that we are granted by so many people yet we chose to look at the half empty glass of water because no boy is down on one knee claiming his love to you.

Feeling the love and appreciation of people around you is a blessing. A blessing you don't realize, one that you take for granted until it really shines under your eyes... Love that is strong enough to replace the void you thought you had in your heart. Love is best when you realize you are loved... when you realize that the people you live with and see everyday care... that they value and appreciate you. That although they don't bring you roses everyday, deep within you mean something to them. It is best when it comes when you least expect it, from those we think they can't show affection.

Love is the little gestures that people around you make to show affection. Going to church just to pray for you! Calling you to wish you luck on a important day for you! Buying you breakfast! Making time for you! Smiling at you! Popping their head everyday in the morning to say good morning! Calling you just to say hello! Giving you a random hug! Teaching you something! Investing in you! Making sure you know that you will be missed! Writing you a note! Tagging you in a childhood picture! Letting you know you're important!

Love isn't just about the prince or princess you're waiting for. It's not about a romantic movie, a love letter or a late night romantic SMS.  Love is a lot more bigger than that... a lot more stronger... a lot more respectable. Love is in eye of each one who cares about you. Everyone who appreciates you. Everyone who is willing to make time for you. Everyone praying for you. Everyone wishing you well. It your parents, your siblings, your kids, your neighbours, your friends, your colleagues, your clients, the seller at your everyday supermarket and coffee place you go to...

Love is everywhere...
We are all loved some way.... we just need to open our eyes and heart to see it!

Love you all :)

Are We Really Stupid?

I often wonder if we're really stupid...

OR if the things we hope for and want are what make us stupid...

Take love for example... love is crazy, blind and insane, I guess we can all agree to that... However, we're often certain, deep down, on a mental level, that this particular relationship will never work... So this must mean we're not stupid, because when we "think about it" we know it won't work... we're definite... it's a crystal clear fact right there in front of us...

When we get into this mental state we start making CLEAR self promises... we won't approach the person again, we'll leave things to come to and end, we'll let go, we'll say NO, we'll keep a distance, we won't fool our self and go back to being "friends," we'll avoid them, we'll stop ourselves from wishing them on birthdays and Christmas, we won't wonder what they think... AND SO ON...

But again that's our MIND acting...

And surprisingly we stick to it, and THEN one day or the other you're triggered, by a birthday, a song, a movie or any random memory... and UNFORTUNATELY... your emotions mess up you brain... they start moving in with a million random excuse and what if scenarios... what if they want to call but think we're uninterested, but we were great friends, but we were amazing together, we communicated so well, I know we'll eventually go back to speaking, I know we'll anyway end up together...

And BOOM, your stupidity rolls in at FULL speed... and you do something stupid... like give them a call... and we both know how this would end: regret and hurt AGAIN!  

You find that your stupid weakness... or hope of being with someone, your inability to move on, or your illusion that this person is your perfect match is what MADE you STUPID... Although in a normal state of MIND you know what you're doing is wrong... pointless and stupid... you know the facts!

SO NO, we're not stupid... we go through emotional phases that make us STUPID!

I used the so called relationship example.... well 'cause I'm a girl and it's the one I can relate to most! BUT apply this to everything...

Who of us doesn't know that drugs, speeding, drinking, hurting someone, lying, smuggling, bullying or any STUPID thing we do is actually STUPID.... Deep down we all know that!

So... Am I the pro on fighting stupidity? Actually no, I'm a pro at being stupid... but recently I've learned that all it takes is a pinch of self control. KEEP fighting the feeling, the emotional rush, the weakness... until it goes away. Keep pushing it away for an hour, a day, or a week... and it'll go away.

Push away the phone, switch it off, take  nap, go for walk, spend an hour at the gym, take a shower, watch a movie... keep pushing away the "weakness," tell yourself I'll get to it after the nap, after the shower... keep postponing the "stupid action," and you'll be surprised how much it would go away...

Hence, comes in my favorite line of lyrics: "It's just a moment, this time will pass..."

And you will be better...
Until the next one comes....
And you fight it again...
Then these feelings come at wider intervals...
And they come at weaker intensities...
Until they eventually fade out...

We're not stupid... we just need to better deal with stupid feelings!

The Unwritten Social Rules...

Well there are some stuff we consider obvious... and I don't know why or who wrote it... but when you actually think about it, they don't necessarily make sense...

Here are some of them...

Your friends' ex-es are off limits... c'mon you should be over them... what if that exis your so called "the one?" What if that friend has 10 different ex-es, we just rule out opportunities...

The first one to speak after a fight is the weaker one... why can't we say he/she is the stronger one to over come his/her stupidity...

The one who says I love you first is the one to get hurt... well more or less, I gotta say this is kindda true...

That you can't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend in the beginning of a relationship that we need to excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom... especially if you're a girl you know its true... but c'mon we're all humans, going to the bathroom is only natural...

That if you ever come to admitting that you actually need the bathroom, you almost always just have to "pee"... well, I do agree it's kinda of a turn OFF to visualize your partner shitting (no offense) but it's also unnatural to imagine him/her not doing so... and again it's only natural....

Almost always, our first real relationship is a scam... Your first date doesn't go as planned, your first kiss doesn't go as planned... you almost always look back with regret! Why can't it be special... Why can't it be a movie...

Now AWAY from relationships...

Why do we think if we eat something fattening when no one can see us the calories don't count... like if no one saw us then it doesn't count! They do... and most probably you eat more once you feel you got the opportunity of being alone, so they count even more...

Once we say we're on a diet... we get hungrier and we crave things we never really ate, I hate spinach, when I diet I miss it... sad!

We only diet when we have a strong motive... other than that... we start we fail we start we fail we start we fail we start we fail...

The beginning of every week is the beginning of a new diet... then you realize you've been fake dieting for months and you haven't lost anything actually! I know... the "ugly truth!"

If you're chubby, fat or overweight... however your partner thinks you're beautiful... you right away stop thinking about dieting... why do we always want to look good for someone, why can't we look good for ourselves?

Why do we always have to lie about our weight even when we're fit and healthy... We always gotta pull back a few pounds!

AWAY from food....

We all talk to strangers... why can't we admit we sometimes its fun chatting with the unknown... why can't we admit that we often enjoy it more than talking to people we know...

How come shopping can sometimes make up for your worst day ever...

Home come we sometimes have the intention of "telling" our friends a certain detail about our lives yet once they ask us about it we feel reluctant to share the info...

Why is that after a certain age hearing that someone hooked up, got engaged, or got married makes us get a little fidgety... and we all feel the same way... admit it embrace it...

How come we never realize that the good moments were good moments until they're over... why can't we just learn to enjoy every moment for what it's worth...

You think if you insult someone in your head it doesn't count... well it does... you still have insulted him/her... and how come if someone tells you that he/she insulted you in their own head you get offended... hello, herd of karma?

WELL, the list can go on...
There are so many unwritten rules in life... things we just enforce and impose on our lives for no clear or avid reasons... But we take part in them naturally and thoughtlessly... Yet they're just stuff that we've created mentally and emotionally... And I personally don't know where or when they ever originated...

The Ugly Truth...

The truth as a matter of fact is always ugly...

Some stuff walk into our lives... confidently and fiercely... we try to resist them...
Then they assure us that they are realities...
And insist....
And they forcefully impose themselves into our lives...
Until we actually get used to them being there...
And we start accepting them as part of our lives...
We start to take what they say for granted...
And believe it...
And create stories in our heads about them...
We adjust ourselves that they've become part of our life..
Even for a while...
But we assume it'll last...
Because they told us so...
We get into a mind set that they're here to stay...
That maybe an imaginary story we had...
May turn into reality...

BUT then...
Once we do get attached...
The withdrawal starts...

We realize that perhaps we took what they said for granted...
May be a little too far...
And it confuses you...
When you realize that perhaps you have built sand castles...

The truth comes to you as a strong slap on the face...
Because all you've heard was not necessarily from the heart...

And you beat yourself up for fall for it...

And then you click REWIND....
And then REPLAY....
And most probably you realize that your resistance that came earlier had a reason for it...
That there were too many signs that you shouldn't have ignored...
That may be you're the one to blame for the situation you're in...
And you question how did you end up there?!?
AGAIN?!?

Perhaps the void you've had needed to be filled...
So you turn to the quick fix...
Regardless the fact that you know it wouldn't end well....

So you end up with nothing but...
Guilt...
Regret...
Humiliation...
Depression...
Sadness...
Stupidity....
Self-Blame...
Stress...
Insanity...

And a truth so ugly...
That  you're destined to carry on your own...
Add to the list of thoughts you want to forget...
Experiences you could have avoided living...
Unneeded self humility...

And all you have left is nothing but...
More rewinding and replaying...
Hoping you find an explanation...
Or figuring out how you ended up there...
Blaming yourself and only yourself...
Looking for a way out...
Or a way back...

BUT...
The truth remains the truth...
And it's UGLY!

Back On Track!

So it's not new years and its not time for resolutions...

But as I said i said the following in my previous post, "New Year... Evolution or Illusion?:" 

"Change does happen, but it doesn't need a clock or a date or to dim out the lights and turn them on to a new you... change is timeless; can happen anywhere, anytime, anyhow...

Change happens when you intend for it to happen...

Change that is time bound is an illusion...

Change that you create is a true evolution...

You decide your own New Year... your New Year, your real evolution, begins when you take a good look at yourself and you realize: now is the time to change!"

So today... right now, I decided that this is my "new year" here are my resolutions:

1. Be more religious! Seriously, I need to get closer to God.
2. Pray more, daily.... once at least!
3. Pray at all time... not just when I need something!
4. Go to church regularly! Once a week, once every to weeks MAX!
5. Find a good service to do.
6. Go back to dieting, FIERCELY!
7. Move on, realistically!
8. Avoid denial and quick fixes! 
9. Forget the people who've chosen to forget me.
10. Focus on the people care and the ones who'll stick with me! 
11. Learn to let go (HOPEFULLY)!
12. Learn to shut up (PLEASE GOD)!
13. Learn  to say NO! 
14. Don't make exceptions for anyone, at any cost! No one is worth it.
15. Do good in the world.
16. Make a difference.
17. Let go of the stupid things that prevent me from being awesome.
18. Be more confident, I actually ROCK! 
19. STOP making stupid mistakes! 
20. STOP caring too much! 
21. Have fun!
22. Be cheerful again!
23. ABANDON the virtual world, except for blogging! 
24. Write.. write and write!
25. Make my blog well known! 
26. Find a passion!
27. Find a place to dump in all my negative energy! 
28. Teach!
29. Be happy and screw the world and people, it's a good change! 
30. Drive more, listening to music and singing along! It cures my soul! 
31. Take more long, boiling hot showers! 
32. Travel more!
33. Dance more, break routine and act stupid (Perfectly healthy)! 
34. Learn the value of myself (MOST IMPORTANTLY)! 

I'll be back on track! 
I will!
I must be back on track! 
It's my only way out!

Reasons We Girls Smile...

There are so many reasons why we girls smile... Sometimes they're honest smiles and sometimes they're not... most probably every smile we've got has it's own meaning... a meaning we only know deep down because it reveals our true intentions...

We might smile because we really like someone or what's going on, or we might smile because we want to pretend like we like what's going on.

There is a smile that carries a lot of innocence with every thing this word could mean... and there is a smile that could carry seduction and an evil plan....

We might smile because we honestly carry good feelings for the moment or we could smile to hide loads of hatred and disappointment...

We might smile because we've just seen you, herd your voice or have you near...

We might smile because we're really out of words, nothing in the world would say how we feel or we could just have nothing to say and we're trying to avoid conversation. We might smile because we're completely indulged in whatever it is you're saying or we're just trying to seem interested...

Our smile could really mean we're truly happy and dancing deep inside or we could be smiling in order to hide utter and complete sadness and heart break...

We might smile because you're funny, or because we want you to think you're funny. Because we get what you mean or because we actually want to get you!

There is a smile that shows excitement, support and pleasure and there is one that hides anxiety, panic and fear...

We might smile because we love you or we might smile to make you think we love you. We might also smile in hopes that you would love us back. We might smile because we have you in our life, we might smile just thinking about you and we might smile because you just walked away.

We might smile as a replacement to saying we love you, we miss you, to thank you or to let you know we're happy you're there...

Sometimes we smile because you've taken us by great surprise...  or to hide the fact that we were expecting more..

We could smile at an inside joke we share or at the fact that we share nothing...

Sometimes we smile because we know it makes us look good...

Our smile could be naive and could mean that we fell for your game or it could mean that we're smiling because we know exactly what's going on and that we're being played.

We might smile because we've gone shopping and even more we smile because you're the one who paid...

We might smile because we know it makes you feel good and secure that things are okay...

Girls smile for so many different reasons... some are good and honest, coming deep from the heart and some are deceiving. Most of the time they're true smiles... Point is a girl's smile is always a charm... it's your call to know what that smile carries deep down because most probably... we'd never tell :)

26 Things I Have AND Have Not Done Before Turning 26!

Well, I'm turning 26 today... I'm less depressed than I was when I turning 25. Anyways, I thought why not do a random checklist of the stuff I have and have not done before turning 26!

HAVE DONE - proudly or sadly, but mostly proudly!

1. Lived in two countries; Saudi Arabia and Egypt
2. Had friends from across the globe
3. Acted, directed and wrote plays
4. Finished my BA and MA
5. Gave a speech on behalf of my graduation class
6. Been angry to the extent that I smash something across a wall
7. Para sailed
8. Laughed till I cried
9. Got addicted (literally) to a show: Grey's Anatomy
10. Was titled funniest and most talented girl in high school
11. Drove while sleeping 
12. Obsessed over / fell for someone I never met!
13. Had three different jobs
14. Been broke, completely
15. Been mugged! 
16. Been in a major accident, and lived :) gladly
17. Done stupid and REALLY (okay really) foolish things for love! 
18. Fell for the wrong guys... OVER and OVER again! 
19. Read the same book at least 200 times
20. Made great friends and lost people who were supposed to be great friends! 
21. Fell in love with sushi suddenly
22. Read a novel over night
23. Sang and danced while driving 
24. Created imaginary stories in my head and lived with them for a while
25. Hated someone then became their very good friend
26. Started a blog

HAVE NOT DONE ~ and should have done!

1. Read the Bible entirely 
2. Had a surprise birthday party, I always figure out before they happen 
3. Done something completely insane and crazy 
4. Ditched classes 
5. Gone shopping with nothing but a fully loaded credit card 
6. Got an F in a course 
7. Learned German and French 
8. Watched Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings!
9. Been in a relationship 
10. Been on a date
11. Been to the movies alone
12. Gone clubbing or been drunk 
13. Partied late 
14. Tried any type of drug 
15. Reached my ideal weight 
16. Traveled around the world 
17. Seen snow 
18. Danced in the rain 
19. Gone swimming with my clothes on (don't ask me why it seems appealing) 
20. Caught the bouquet in a wedding 
21. Lied about where I'm spending the night 
22. Published a book 
23. Been good in a sport 
24. Learned drumming 
25. Saved money 
26. Drove faster than 120 Km/Hour

Crazy, Stupid Love!

Well, for starters, I hated the movie, but loved its name!

It's sooo true, this thing called "crazy, stupid love" does exist!

It's not impossible to love someone who is a total mismatch bound to make every day of life a living disasters. It's actually stupid but it happens.

It is a kind of love that would make you do things you never thought you'd do. Things you didn't know you have in you. Things that come to you as a surprise. These things are good, bad and ridiculous! You never thought you'd be willing to make a first move... but you did! You never thought you'd keep getting pushed away and you'd still come back... but you did! You never thought you can drive the one person you love away for whatever reason it is... but you did! You never knew that all your good intentions would be misunderstood... but it happened! And you definitely never thought you had it in you to try and hate them and hurt them... but eventually... you did that too!

It's the kind of  love you desperately need and in the same time you pray for it to end!

It's the kind of that is your dream come true but in the same time you know it would make you miserable!

It's the kind of love that keep you praying all night... and crying all night as well!

This kind of... really does make you stupid and does make you crazy!

But I guess this is love.. this insane element to it, is what actually makes it love!

Life as a Chick Flick!

Sometimes I wonder... Why can't life be as pink as that of a chick flick?

Why can't happy ending be something bound to happen sooner or later?

Why can't you be the prom queen in school and work and basically the queen everywhere you set foot in?

Why can't you be the girl every one is dying to be with?

Why can't you get your dream scholarship and your dream job?

Why can't you just always go shopping and travel and not worry about finances?

Why can't the guy you've been waiting for eventually come back?

Why can't these lovey dovey love stories happen to you?

Why can't your friends always remember you and be there for you before you even ask for it?

Why can't you be valedictorian and or employee of the month?

Why can't you have the perfect body and look good in everything?

Why can't you live the life of your dreams? Only in this case your dreams are a living reality...

This superficial life is sometimes a good fantasy to dream about :) I wish I can go there for a while! My life to be a chick flick! For a change!

Who Are You?

Is it possible that something you've always been clearly sure about turns out to be nothing of what you thought?

I don't think this is one post where I can clearly articulate how I feel or what I want to say; however, I just feel stressed out that may be someone I thought I knew... turned out to be someone I probably know nothing about. That all the stuff I once admired about that person... are simply not there; not even close!

That someone I could bet on turned out to be a complete stranger, maybe just putting on a mask and a well executed play that I fell for.

I don't know what gave me this feelings... but putting together the little pieces of the puzzle, just no longer reflects a good pictures or no longer reflects the picture that I've always had in mind...

So many things in the past have been telling me to drop this issue, walk away not looking back... and I've always refused to let it go... very strongly, I choose to trust my gut feeling, which apparently was very wrong.

But now, when I felt like I don't really know the person anymore, or maybe never really knew the person.... I don't know what I've been holding on to? Perhaps an illusion of who I wished that person would be... Or  maybe the act for which I've been a great and dedicated audience.

I don't know what to think anymore... sometimes I just hope I had the answers... or had the ability to ask for answers. But I don't! And again, may be the answers will be further devastating because the "what if" element that keeps us going will no longer be there.. Because the definite answers I get will not be the answers I want to hear... And because some stuff are better left unknown.

But seriously... Is it possible that I've been played... I just wish I can really know; Who Are You?

A Year of Blogging!

So, I can't believe it, I've been blogging for a year already! Time does fly! I still get excited about writing a new post and checking the stats to see if people liked it or hated it! I also still do get excited about the number of comments and likes I get. It's kind of rewarding!

Even more, the whole experience of blogging that Garbage of the Soul has given me is great. The fact that I can come here and write whatever comes to mind is amazing. And believe it or not it is quite relieving... getting things off my chest and feeling like I vent about whatever bothers me is soul enhancing!

It's also more interesting when I have people tell me that they really relate to what I write. It means that although this blog is basically just about me, there are people out there who feel I make sense. That all this craziness in me and these contradicting emotions really have some sanity in them. It's also appeasing to know that what I write may stand a chance of giving relief to someone else.

Over the year the most constant criticism I got revolved around the name of my blog! Well, it could take people back a little, however I don't mean that what I write is trashy, it just means that this blog is a place where I can come in and dump all my thoughts and emotions into writing, hence clearing up and reviving my Soul! ~ it kindda makes sense if you think about it!


Anyways, here are the TOP 10 posts you all have enjoyed over the course of this year! In case you've missed them, take a chance to look at them when you can. Here they are; the highest read on top of the list:
GIRL in Egypt...
FACE Your Relationship Issues!
Laughing At Me...
Letting Go...
The Perfect Life of Others...
I'm BLESSED...
Let the Make Over Begin...
I'm PISSED!
Super Mommy :)
The Focal Point Of Our Lives…

Looking forward to another year of MORE blogging!

Remember to always let me know what you think :)

FACE Your Relationship Issues!

So by now we are all sure I'm not quite the pro on relationships, however I'm good at observing... and listening to surrounding stories! Hence, I came up with the conclusion that relationships have becomes digitally influenced. What happens via social media and particularly Facebook really takes its toll on our relationships and emotions... Usually causing problems! 

We sit and analyze what people do digitally and make all these random assumptions and most probably they screw up our minds BIG time! And I gotta say, I know this happens with girls... boys I'm not so sure, but I'm guessing it happens or they know how to use it well against us very well knowing how we think!

For instance, here are some situations I've seen, heard or been through...

• OMG he is no longer single, does this mean he's dating?
• OMG I can't click on his picture anymore; did he put me on limited profile!
• His status on Facebook says "thinking" does this mean he's considering what I said!
• His status says "fed up," I think he gave up on me! 
• He wrote relieved, it means he's glad it's over!
• I can't believe we just finished arguing and he posted a Mafia Wars or Texas HoldEm Poker update! He really doesn't care! He's been playing while we argued! 
• Who's the girl who has been clicking Like on everything he says!?
• He just wrote he's happy, it means he's with someone else! 
• I checked his quotes, he's become so deep; you think he's changed, I think I stand a chance with him... 
• Since when is he into CityVille and FarmVille, he must be too bored without me! Or maybe that other girl is making him soften up! 
• He has a new friend on Facebook, I wonder who she is! How did they meet!
• OMG, I just realized he's been on Twitter, his tweets show on FB... he never told me he created an account or followed me! He must be hiding or something! Or he doesn't want to be my "friend" anymore
• His status is "worried" should I call and check up on him. 
• His Facebook relationship status is "it's complicated" maybe he's breaking up with his girlfriend and I should call him and be there for him! 
• He just posted a link to Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here," I think he misses me...
• He just commented on his friends pic, it means he's online, why isn't he answering me..
• You're mad at him you "un-friend" him on Facebook, you're back talking you "add him again" 
• You wanna bug him after a fight you change your status to "single"
• Others posts pics so you figure out he's gone out and not told you, or gone out with "girls" you don't like... 

Even more, the FIRST thing we do if engaged or married is update our relationship status for the world to know!

It's really endLESS... The non-stop scenarios we create to try and figure out what's going in with the other person makes us use Facebook to: spy on the guy if we're together, know his updates if we're broken up; see if he hooked up with someone when we're playing hard to get; criticize the guy if we hate him; know anything about him when we miss him; find reasons to hate him when we want OR find reasons to get back in touch with him when we need it... AS IF Every single thing he posts is an indirect message to us! 

True, what ever we guess could be true! But it could be that Facebook settings have changed and you just can't click on his picture; or he is thinking about a new job post; or he's fed up with traffic; he's happy 'cause he had a nice night out with friends; or the new girl he added is someone from work; or his quotes have always been there and you haven't seen them; or he's just bored and found a new interest in Facebook games; or he JUST felt like listening to Pink Floyd!

There is just a million different explanation!

I donno about you guys, but when it comes to relationships so far Facebook just messes things up! And when girls get together and talk... seriously, Facebook plays a major role in their relationships, love life and particularly fights!

The same happens with BBM's and Wats App statuses... we've really come to use technology in ways that frustrate us. Rather than making our life easier for us, they make them worst! It's already enough technology is messing up our face to face and direct relationships, we don't need to make it worst by playing guessing games that bring the worst out of us. 

Well the saying has been going around and I think it's really true... we need to FACE our problems rather than FACEBOOK them! Or at least we shouldn't use FACEBOOK to complicate things for our selves and mess up our brains with random ideas! It would really be easier to get up and make a clear cut effort in trying to find out about the lives of the people who matter to us 'cause clearly, all these nonsense we do, simply mean we still care!  It makes sense to me rather than just guessing stuff and crying about things we're not sure they even exist!

~ before you shoot me, I KNOW, sometimes all we've got is guessing, but it's just hectic! 

Moment of Truth...

I've always lived by the believe that being the bigger, better person is really the right thing to do at all times. It simply means that you've decided to rise above the situation, to let go, move on and create peace with what ever has happened.

It also means you're the one who picks up the broken pieces, you're the one keen to to put things back on track. You're the one making the effort to make the ship sail... hoping it would one day get to where it should be going! Or at least... you hope it would keep sailing!

My previous post regarding this issue was kindda pissed off! I said that when you decide to always be the bigger,better person there comes a point when you explode! You explode because you end up feeling that you're the only one who cares... because sometimes you wish the other person would get up and do something to fix the mess!

Today... I'm not pissed! Today, I'm indifferent!
I don't care anymore to fix things! And I don't care that the other person doesn't care! And for me to get to this point... for me accept this willingly is a BIG thing! It might not really mean I've let go, but it definitely means I'm on my there! And if you know me at all, you'd know this is, not a step, but a LEAP!

I'm coming across a situation... and I'm asking should I decide to be the bigger, person AGAIN? Should I be at peace with all that has happened before! Personally, I think I'm at peace, I feel I've achieved it; however, I'm indifferent. I usually decide to go back and fix things when, and only when, I feel it would fix things, or make them better!

Point is, I no longer care that things get better!

Before I would worry about giving the person the impression that I don't care. Now I really feel there is nothing more I can do. If they want to think I don't care... I'm okay with it!

Today, sometimes I still hope things would be better, I can't deny it, yet... I have to say, I no longer have this passion to things. I've lost interest in fixing the past! It has lost all it's essence and beauty. There is no purpose in fixing things. If (hypothetically speaking) they ever get fixed... it might satisfy my ego, yet I'm not sure I'll be happy!

I'd do it if things stood a 1% chance of changing! However, I'm certain that going trying to fix things would result in more emotional damage for me because it's going no where. Because I'll be once again reminded that I'm the one who cares and I'm the one keen to putting in effort! I'll be back to the feeling that I need to explode or regret after I've hardly achieved the feeling of peace.

Peace is a much better, more relaxing option. Being indifferent is a lot easier than being pissed. It takes less out of my energy!

Today I'm facing a moment of truth! Being the bigger, better person is not always the right thing to do. Sometimes you need to rise above the situation. And by that, I don't really mean to go back and be the one to fix things. This time I mean it's time to rise above, step over the past, admit there is nothing more to be done and just move forward without looking back. 

CTRL...

I really didn't know what I should call this post..  it's a mix of a lot of things. Many many things! To start of and make it short and simple: as usual I'm pissed at myself! If you ask me why... I'll tell you it's all about CONTROL!

Sometimes I really wanna slap myself. I envy people who display self control and composure. Those who are able to stop themselves before saying something or doing something. Those who have the ability to stop speaking at the right time EVEN when they have stuff to say.

I really look at people with admiration... these people who know how to give the impression that they don't care! Those who know how to treat people coldly. I actually wish to learn from them.

My lack of control as to when to shut up and my urge to say everything on my mind makes me look and sound stupid even to myself! Sometimes I wanna make it look like I don't care! Even when I really do. I've even written earlier my post on how silence can sometimes be gold! 

What's even more annoying, is that little things drive me nuts! Little things that may seem to others unworthy, or undeserving. I'm the kindda person who is driven by emotions at all times. I don't believe that expressing how you feel whatever is it should be upsetting! I think if things didn't matter to me I wouldn't really care if they were going well. If I didn't want to make things better I wouldn't be bothered.

However, I do understand that some people don't like. That some people interpret it different. That it may seem like it's too much at times.

I also hate to reveal that I care too much. For some reason it makes it easier for me to get hurt. Sometimes I say too much... when I over express how I feel and people still choose to be cold and maintain their composure it makes me feel like they don't care even more... hence I get more hurt... and the vicious cycle goes on and on and on forever.

The whole idea of an abundance of emotions being met with rejection or coldness is simply hurting for me.

Even more, when I get comfortable around someone, my concern with controlling my self expression decreases... I feel the room for acceptance increases... my expectations increase... Yet, every time I'm kindda let down.

I can't say I am to blame for who I am... after all others aren't exactly perfect! However, I do acknowledge that they're not to blame either. I do understand that too much emotions can be annoying and frustrating.

This however does not mean that it gives others the right to judge me. It does not mean I need others to feel the need to improve me or make me a better person. Sometimes I even wonder if i accept for who they are, their faults included, there should be more room for acceptance from others towards me as well! Deep down I do believe if someone really took the time to know me they'd understand my intentions and drives they wouldn't be too annoyed!

I refuse to think that people think I'm some project that needs to change in order to fit their schema. My increased emotions tend to show in both negative and positive ways. I'm overly happy when I'm happy and I've overly sad when I'm sad. And I think it's okay to express it! I just don't get why people are okay with it when I'm being positive and are defensive when I'm upset.

I hate that every time something happens I have to go through the hassle of explaining myself... I think it's unfair and hectic. Sometimes I give up on it. And regardless of how much I talk about it, I never get to the point where I feel I've explained my intentions enough. I honestly, speak a lot, yet I cannot find the right words to explain how I feel so I just step back and give up.

I understand that people aren't expected to play a guessing game to figure out my intentions, however I just hope that people are a little more understanding and accepting. I believe, and I could be wrong, that I tend to accept people in which ever way they are, I think some equal treatment would be good.

Yet, it's safe to say that my inability to control myself expression and my high emotional drive has become a serious problem in my life. Minimizing it would certainly make my life and others lives simpler and smoother. It doesn't mean I'll be 100% comfortable or happy. It means I'm setting limitations, it means I gotta think twice before saying anything. I means I just can't be spontaneous anymore. It means I'm around someone I'm just myself around. My silence and distance means I'm upset and that I'm formalizing relationships. But if that solves it, then so be it. 

Sometimes I hope I find my CTRL button. That would make my life easier because every time I'm placed in a situation like this I promise myself that I'd display more control the next time... however I fail, therefore a button might help make life easier! It would be easier if I just click CTRL every time I'm getting too comfortable or too expressive... I really hate showing that I care when the people around me don't equally care!

~sigh! 

Lost..

Lately I'm just lost.

Too much of everything is going on and I'm not focused on any of them. There is too much work, too much studying, too much emotions, too many activities, a lot of drama, a lot of terrible discoveries, a lot of mixed feelings, a lot of personal conflicts, a lot of undefined emotions... 

I personally don't know if I'm okay! I'm just letting the days slip. All similar to one another. I'm fooling myself saying I'm okie... saying since the days are rolling it means I'm okie... but whenever I have a free minute, when I look deeply into my life I realize I'm a mess! A walking wreck! 

When I really think about I realize nothing is actually going right! I feel I have too many problems to really know where to start. So I choose to let it all go... fool myself into saying things didn't really happen! 

If you ask me why am I bringing it up now... I'd tell you last three - four weeks have been incredibly insane... in every aspect... and I'm still holding up. Every time I come to get into the details of the events I fall in disbelief and choose not to. I prefer ignoring them and being in denial for a change... 

My plan is basically to drain my energy out so when the night hits, I simply fall flat on my face and sleep in no time, giving myself no time to thing. 

I'm choosing to be lost because if I think too much I'll end up depressed and in loads of self pitty. So I'm choosing indifference. It's bugging me that I can't really define how I feel, but all I can say is that indifference seems to doing me right at the moment! I'd rather be lost than focused on the amount of crap I got going on! 

Oh well whatever... it's really whatever makes you go through the night!

Takes Something, Gives Something...

So life.. clearly and obviously doesn't give us everything we want. And ya.. sometimes we feel like nothing is going right.

However if we actually take time to realize... life isn't so unfair after all. I know I'm contradicting every other miserable post I've written... But fact is when life takes something, it gives you another.

I've lately been going through some dark and twisted phase. In the same time... God has sent me two guarding angels to be there for me every step of the way. Usually, if that had happened to me, I would have been absorbed in misery and sadness and even grief.


INSTEAD... 
I've really been blessed with two amazingly supportive, fun and understanding friends who are with me day in and out, morning and night, at work, outside, on the phone, on bbm, on Twitter... 24/7 distracting me, telling me that it's not the end of the world, that I deserve better and that things will get better.  It's like God sent them to me right before my problem so they can help me get through with it. 

They even make me laugh in my most difficult moments. Today I can't believe I laughed this much. The none stop kind of laughter. This would have never happened... I've been me for a while and I pretty much know I would have been sinking in depression, hating everyone and everything. I would have been crying and excluding myself on the side!

I can't explain how much I'm glad with this friendship and how much I truly value it... but I can honestly say if it weren't for them these days would have been unbearable. True I am upset and down from the way things may have turned out to me... but seriously it's going a lot better than I had expected. In the middle of all this, one of my hardest moments ever, I'm able to see something positive! 

Yesterday they got my an engraved bracelet that read: "May your days all be blessed with the presence of an angel watching over you!"

Ladies, you are my angels.

It may seem like a 6th grade corny best friends for ever necklace kind of thing to do. But it means the world to me.

Thanks! I mean it!

So ya life may take something but it sure does give another. It may take something that is replaceable but it gives you something that is for keeps.

Booba and Amy... you sure are for keeps!

Closure...

Reference to my previous post (Silence is Gold) which speaks about how I don't feel relieved until I say all that I want and get everything I want off my chest... people may find it natural to believe that I find closure in being the one to say the last words in an argument... As if that gives me closure!

However, that's not true! Closure to me has a totally different meaning!

True... blabbing out all that is bothering me is something I tend to do and can't help most of the time. However as I previously mentioned my blabbing comes with a good intention... Even if this seems hidden!

What's worst is that I reach to this boiling point that leads to explosion with people I care about! I tend to avoid confrontation which I know would be bad and then I explode. So dramatic endings with such people hurts me more than it hurts them. The last thing I plan for is loosing them. I consider the people I care about an embedded part of my life. As I said I assume they'd be okay with me venting... But I don't assume anyone should endure what seems to be taking crap!

IN FACT I find closure in happy endings and in peaceful endings to my arguments.

True my venting and speaking out may make happy endings hard to reach... However this is my honest intention.

Closure to me is when no hard feelings exist... Closure is when I'm sure I haven't hurt any one... Closure is when I feel words have actually ended (nothing more to be said by either sides)... Closure is soul and mind feeding... Closure is finding inner peace...

I've learned that my venting doesn't help me get where I want... I vent because I feel this person is close enough to me to endure this venting and to know the good I mean I behind it... I vent to the person instead of speaking about them to someone else... I vent because I'm calling out for the person's attention...

But it's clear to me that my venting means loosing people... It leads to sad endings rather than happy ones...

I don't find closure in loosing people or in hurting them by what I say... I find closure in happy endings... I need to change my way to find closure and for people to really know who I am... My good intention seems be unclear to people and seems to drive me in the oppoite direction...

I don't find closure in making people feel bad or in having the final say. I don't find closure in winning arguments. I don't find closure in being a victim or gaining sympathy... But that's what my venting results in.
My venting doesn't only hurt people but it also hurts me... Regret kills me! Sad endings frustrate me! Being judged falsely drains my breath! Hurting people makes me feel guilty! And above all loosing people I really care about is something I never get over!!!

My venting is harming me more than any one else! My venting isn't allowing me to find closure!

I need to find closure! I need to change.

Silence is Gold...

I have a serious problem shutting up! 


When I'm filled up with negative feelings... I can go on and on and on about it until I feel better. My ability to rattle about things none stop is actually driven by good intention... I believe that when you let things out... you eventually sort out problems and things get better. I believe that once people discuss what is bothering them that we reach happy endings! I believe it's better than holding grudge... little do I know I guess!


I also feel frustrated when I have something to say and I don't... I feel trapped! So once I get a chance to say it... I fire! Additionally, I don't believe my anger, hurt and frustration can be said in a few words... so I keep saying it over and over and over in different way... trying to find the best words to explain how I feel.


It also seems that I'm just blaming the other person for everything... like I'm a victim... that's not how I plan to make it sound...


Believe it or not... it's unintentional and out of good intentions.... and it's yet beyond me to stop!


I do it out of the believe that when people are close enough there is space for "3etab and 3asham" two Arabic words (which I can't find the right descriptive English words for them) that I believe for them to be the core of healthy relationships!


People tend to disagree... they think I'm nagging, saying stuff over and over... and they think I don't know how to stop and when to stop... They think it's annoying and frustrating and a never ending process! They think I'm anti-happiness! 


Putting myself in their shoes... I get where they are coming from... I usually mess up when I'm talking... Since I'm totally driven by emotions, I sometimes use big and hurtful words. Usually when I'm saying what I say I don't feel good. Sometimes I wish I can stop myself... I try and I fail miserably... It's built within me... it is something I regret doing every time... I wish I can give people a break and a chance to improve things... but instead I go on and on and on...


I assume people, who are considerably close enough, would get the mechanics that drive me, would understand my good intention behind it... but they don't and probably never will. I assume people would be able to move past all that has been said and work out things... but that's clearly not the case!


Silence is GOLD! I deeply believe this is true... silence saves me from looking bad, self humiliation, regret.... it saves me from having to say sorry later 'cause no matter how right I am I still seem like the one to blame! My "anger and emotions talking" spoils all possible good things! It clearly puts people on their edge! It puts me in a situation where I owe people explanations that I don't actually have to give... It puts me in a position where people can't ever come back to make things better because according to them too much damage was made! So although they should be the ones coming back... I'm the one who always has to go back and fix things!


When I look back there are many times when I wish I remained silent... I keep asking myself what if I remained silent would things have been different?! So I'm trying my best to practice silence... to learn from previous mistakes. I'm practicing when to stop myself and shut up! I'm trying to learn when I've said enough! I'm trying GOLD!

Lyrics I Love...

Can we pretend that airplanes, In the night sky, Are like shooting star, I could really use a wish right now" "When I see your face. There's not a thing that I would change. Just the way you are. And when you smile. The whole world stops and stares for a while. 'Cause girl you're amazing.The way you are." "I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you. I have been waiting all my life." "I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard. And got so far. But in the end. It doesn't even matter." "When we collide we come together. If we don't we'll always be apart. I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it. When you hit me hit me hard." "Im not afraid of anything in this world. There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard." "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be coming home again." "Let me be the one you call. If you jump I'll break your fall. Lift you up and fly away with you into the nigh. If you need to fall apart. I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn. You're not alone" "When you're broken in a million little pieces. And you're trying but you can't hold on  anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in yourself. When you're broken." "Butterfly well you landed on my mind. Damn right you landed on my ear and then you crawled inside. And now I see you perfectly behind closed eyes. I want to fly with you and I don't want to lie to you." "Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven." "Things aren’t the way they were before. You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore.  Not that you knew me back then. But it all comes back to me in the end." "I’m no beauty queen. I’m just beautiful me." "I had a dream my life would be. So different from the hell I'm living. So different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed." "I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy, I'll be your hope I'll be your love, Be everything that you need, I'll love you more with every breath,Truly, madly, deeply do, I will be strong I will be faithful, 'cause I'm counting on, A new beginning, A reason for living

A deeper meaning," "And if the night runs over. And if the day wont last. And if our way should falter. Along the stony pass. Its just a moment. This time will pass." "Hitting walls and getting scars . Only makes you who you are. Only makes you who you are. No matter how much your heart is aching. There is beauty in the breaking.""I could use a dream or a genie or a wish. To go back to a place much simpler than this" "And I know some day that it’ll all turn out. You'll make me work so we can work to work it out" "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love. Like I'm the only one who knows your heart." Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in. No one else, no one else. Can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten." "I've put my trust in you. Pushed as far as I can go. For all this there’s only one thing you should know:I tried so hard, And got so far, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter, I had to fall, To lose it all, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter." "I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time" "Oh I know that the music's fine. Like sparklin' wine, go and have your fun. Laugh and sing, but while we're apart. Don't give your heart to anyone. But don't forget who's takin' you home. And in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin' save the last dance for me." "I love you like a fat kid loves cake." "Have you ever loved and lost somebody. Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry." "There comes a time where you fade to the blackness. And when you're staring at that phone in your lap. And you hoping but them people never call you back."  "What am I suppose to do, When the best part of me was always you and, What am I suppose to say, When I'm all choked up and you're okay." "Someday love will find you. Break those chains that bind you. One night will remind you. How we touched and went our separate ways." "Better days are gonna find you once again. Every piece will find its place."

Stupid Moment Glorified...

So earlier I wrote about the general moments of stupidity but I gotta say currently I'm experiencing a severe and intense one of them...

I also wrote the following part in one of earliest posts called Letting Go:

"So, I'm hoping this blog here helps me out... 'cause I like to write... so instead of getting in touch with whoever that person is and saying what ever I need to say... I'll come here and write it, get it out of my system... get it off my chest... until I one day I just really let go..."

So here I am, venting my stupid moment on my blog rather than doing something stupid I would regret!

So.. my stupid moment is that moment when you miss someone you shouldn't be missing! I've this urging and itching feeling to get in touch with someone and I know it's getting me no where!

I've written the sms and deleted it, I've written the FB message and deleted it, I've prepared an e-mail (and that's still my drafts, hope I do delete it soon)... I've started dialing and stopped myself... I've rehearsed a call then changed my mind!

But I do have words that I have to say and I need to get them out out of my system so I'm writing this... because as a human I just need to vent sometimes! I need to talk about my feelings... because keeping them to myself more and more and more is just plain hectic! I'm tired of it! Because if don't get it out, I'll crack! Really soon!

As much as I wanna take action, say I miss you, see how things go... as much as I know it's stupid... as much I know it's pointless as much as I know it's heading no where, as much as I know it means more regret and feeling like a fool later...

As much as I wanna call it hope, second chances, trying to be better, sacrifice, compromise... on the other side there is another voice in me screaming: pride, you've tried enough, it's pointless, you'll get hurt AGAIN... and you're just being plain stupid!

As much as I want to believe that whatever words I have to say could have the ability to change things around, I know this dream or hope is driven merely by an intense wave of emotions and isn't true!

And as much I want to believe that if things do change around I will be happy... as much as I want to believe that something good can happen... a big part of me is uncertain, reminding me of how many times I've already tried and how many times I've already been hurt!

Part me of is slapping my in the face saying: Seriously! Haven't you had enough!? Where the hell is your sense of pride!? What on earth makes you think things will change? Didn't you say you won't be putting yourself in this damn position again!? Didn't you say it's that person's turn to make a move! Didn't you say even if that person makes a move you're plainly saying NO!

But the other side of me is answering simply: I can't help it! I'm willing to sacrifice if there is hope!

BUT reality, practicality and experience say: that's just stupid!

So i'm feeling stupid right now. I'm really trying hard to practice my ability to let go, my ability to stop myself and fight temptation of stupid emotions, I'm really trying to tell myself no!

But bigger than all those feelings I'm missing someone and neither can I do anything to bring me closer to that person nor can I stop this overwhelming and tiring feeling! And that just sucks!

And knowing that it's pointless and still being in denial and thinking about it... makes even stupider! Uff! Gosh!

I hate where I am now! This helpless and weak will is just a killer! And i hate it!

-sigh!

This is one post I'm not publicizing... this is one post I'm not sharing on Facebook and Twitter, maybe 'cause I hate how I'm feeling, maybe I'm embarrassed, maybe 'cause I hate being this weak and exposed and maybe 'cause I don't want everyone I know to see how stupid I am. I'm writing this because I just NEED to vent and let it out! So if you come across this post, as much as I want you to tell me to have hope and go for it, to trust my gut feeling, to get in touch to tell the person "I miss you", I would rather have you talk me out of it! Please!