Blank...

We often get those days when we're BLANK. Completely! Nothing particularly is going wrong; but nothing is exactly going well either... so you loose interest... and become indifferent. Everything seems meaningless and pointless! Every battle is a lost battle! Actually, you stop fighting anyways! I know I'm in this phase when I have nothing to write... and I haven't had anything to write for weeks. So unlike me. These days I'm just BLANK, with whatever meanings this word contains. 

Distraction...

Well, related to my previous post, Lost, I've taken up whatever things I could possibly take or do to distract myself. As I said, anything that makes you go through the night... anything to divert your thoughts from what you should really be focused on.

However, distraction is not always positive. Distraction could lead to destruction! 

Sometimes you get yourself into more trouble just to get yourself out of some mess! Sometimes fooling yourself, your feel and brains is even more hectic and energy draining.

I also spoke earlier about the moments of stupidity that we go through and acknowledging that what you're doing is somewhat stupid. And I gotta say most of the time when you're trying to distract yourself from something you end up doing something stupid... which you later regret!

It also leads to destruction because once you decide to stop and go back to reality you realize that you're really right where you always where! That being in denial and that keeping yourself "fake-ly" distracted will just make everything crumble over your head suddenly! And that would be real trouble. When you think you've moved on, but you're actually right where you are!

~sigh!

Lost..

Lately I'm just lost.

Too much of everything is going on and I'm not focused on any of them. There is too much work, too much studying, too much emotions, too many activities, a lot of drama, a lot of terrible discoveries, a lot of mixed feelings, a lot of personal conflicts, a lot of undefined emotions... 

I personally don't know if I'm okay! I'm just letting the days slip. All similar to one another. I'm fooling myself saying I'm okie... saying since the days are rolling it means I'm okie... but whenever I have a free minute, when I look deeply into my life I realize I'm a mess! A walking wreck! 

When I really think about I realize nothing is actually going right! I feel I have too many problems to really know where to start. So I choose to let it all go... fool myself into saying things didn't really happen! 

If you ask me why am I bringing it up now... I'd tell you last three - four weeks have been incredibly insane... in every aspect... and I'm still holding up. Every time I come to get into the details of the events I fall in disbelief and choose not to. I prefer ignoring them and being in denial for a change... 

My plan is basically to drain my energy out so when the night hits, I simply fall flat on my face and sleep in no time, giving myself no time to thing. 

I'm choosing to be lost because if I think too much I'll end up depressed and in loads of self pitty. So I'm choosing indifference. It's bugging me that I can't really define how I feel, but all I can say is that indifference seems to doing me right at the moment! I'd rather be lost than focused on the amount of crap I got going on! 

Oh well whatever... it's really whatever makes you go through the night!

The Focal Point Of Our Lives…

I don’t know if this is true for others, applicable across cultures or equally valid for guys… but why is it that I feel our entire life revolves around finding the right partner!

I’m not denying that I’d love to run into the right guy… ‘cause I’d love that!

But why is it taking too much out of our thoughts and feelings?!?

I have no answer for this question… I’m just wondering out loud… so if any of you have suggestions; don’t hesitate to fill me in! But I noticed that whenever we girls get together this issue takes up a lot of our mental space!

We live to visualize what life with that significant other would be like! We create dreams and wait for them to turn into reality...

But the fact that our life revolves around finding the significant others just makes everything else seem like it’s not enough… you don’t enjoy it… like something is always missing!

Maybe I’m wrong… but sometimes I feel I’ve achieved a lot in my life… not a lot as in worldwide, recognized achievements, but I haven’t done so bad and I’m still not satisfied and I still feel finding that significant other might be the element that will complete the picture…

And I wonder, when that significant other is found, when the life partner is there… will I get that feeling of completeness? Will it be worth the wait? Will it really be the beginning of my dream of a perfect life? Or will I have another focal point around which my life exits!

Or is the focal point of our lives… the lack of satisfaction of where we are at the moment and what we have!

Honestly, I really have no clue!

Torn Between Space...

Some of you might have read this poem before; it's one of the very first poems I ever wrote... I was leaving Saudi Arabia, where I spent 18 years of my life... And I think I'm just missing those days, the people, the place...

Born and lived in a place,
Now I'm heading to a different case,
I'll miss it, thou I hated it,
I won't be able to go back,
As if erased!
But only by name,
Not in the Heart,
All the time spent,
And all the friends made,
Will be a history never replaced,
Left behind,
With my memories as the only trace,
A truth that has to be faced.
Why didn't I live on the land of my race?
Then this day wouldn't come,
When I'll be torn between the space,
A land where my childhood was,
And a land where my future is yet to be placed,
All I can say is that.... I'm Scared!

Sometimes I question if I'm still at this crossroad!

Sometimes I wanna walk around my old street, my old school... it's nice to able to visit old places... and I can't do it... It's as if I'm restricted from my own childhood!

I miss Saudi... Old is truly gold, never replaced!