Crossroads…

I am at this crossroads in my life where I’m not sure where I am or what I should be doing next. I’m not sure there is a purpose behind my existence. I feel like I have tons of potential that I cannot tap into. Like I’m stuck into a life I’ve not chosen or envisioned. In the same time I’m not doing much to change it or get out of this place I am in. And that is more upsetting than the way I feel.

I know I’m not satisfied with where I am… professionally, personally and socially. I know there is so much I want to do… so many different things to the extent that I don’t know what it is exactly that I want to do. I don’t know where I should start.  

I know I want to teach, coach, inspire, do art, be a public speaker, write more, publish something, travel more... In the same time I want to build a career for myself... I'm driven and ambitious and I want to reach places.

I thought I’d be more independent, carefree and spontaneous. In my head, I lead a different life. Like I have another personality that no one got to see, not even myself. I’m starting to doubt it even exists. Like maybe I have to settle that this is who I really am. But I cannot. I refuse to accept this! And I cannot.

I feel old and it is not about the number. True the fact that I’m turning 30 soon is making me think about it more… but it is a lot more than turning 30.

I cannot find my happy place. It is frustrating. And it is hindering me. In everything… in expressing myself and in excelling. I wake up every day and I don’t have any passion or excitement. I feel like I'm diagnosed with chronic boredom.

I wake up with no expectations. And I'm always demotivated. Even the things I’m good at… I’ve become okay! Nothing makes my day… no matter how awesome it is! I cannot give anything anymore. Not at work and not to the dearest people to me.

I don’t think I’m successful, I don’t think I’m beautiful…

But I’m sure I cannot live this way. I look at myself in the mirror… and this is not the person I want to see. Not the way I talk nor the way I walk. I’m not happy with my look or how I feel inside. I don’t recognize myself because this is not at all who I thought I’d be.

I cannot keep on going thinking the best is yet to come. I feel helpless and it pisses me off. I need to change my life, I cannot wait for the change. 

I need to figure it out. I need to be able to be happy with who I am. I can’t find any reason for people to like me, because I don’t like myself right now. I need to get out of this corner I’m stuck in so I can really inspire. I know I can. I’m born to shine! 

2011... Is It REALLY a BAD Year?!

SO... whenever we refer to a bad year... we often refer to it in terms of stuff that happen to us on a personal level. However, 2011 is a bad year on a global level... I don't think anyone can argue with that!

Truly on a global level I think this by far is the year of natural disasters, famines, wars, deaths, disease, revolutions... So globally, I got to admit it IS a bad year and I'm really hoping the last day passes by smoothly, free of more catastrophes or more dramatic surprises!

HOWEVER...
Moving to a more personal level; which given our selfish human nature is usually the main way we judge things.... I STILL cannot make up my mind regarding whether it was a good or bad year...

Emotionally speaking... I've lost some very precious people that I hoped I'd be able to have for keeps! I was disappointed and hurt for a very long time and that made most of 2011 win the award for being the worst emotional year ever. I've also realized some friends, well are not really people you can count on...

On the ambitious and practical side of life... well, I GOT my masters degree and that was the highlight of the year. True, it came towards the last two weeks of the year... but it sort of changed 2011 around from being the worst year to being the best year ever... and ever since this achievement, all of a sudden I can't claim that 2011 is a bad year anymore! It kind of made me realize a lot of good things that I let the "emotional" stuff cover up and hide!

Even more... 2011 was the  best in my career history; I made new friends whom all have become so important and precious to me and towards the very end of it I've realized that some old friends are still gold and that there are people who can still see me from a unique and special perspective even if others did not! I've seen some of my friends in their happiest moments as well! And all that together made 2011, an OKAY year after all!

So UNLIKE any other year... where the personal stuff were worst than the global stuff... 2011 has been terrible on the global level (see my next post)... But on a personal level, although it started like the worst year ever; by the last quarter it smiled at me... and it smiled at me BIG! 

So my last words would be: Good Bye 2011, with your good, your bad and definitively your unexpected! Some days were terrible but all in all, it did pass and I learned a lot from every single experience and every single person! 2012... I'm hoping for the best, this year I'm trying optimism... Even more, globally I, like Miss Congeniality, do hope for World Peace!

Lost..

Lately I'm just lost.

Too much of everything is going on and I'm not focused on any of them. There is too much work, too much studying, too much emotions, too many activities, a lot of drama, a lot of terrible discoveries, a lot of mixed feelings, a lot of personal conflicts, a lot of undefined emotions... 

I personally don't know if I'm okay! I'm just letting the days slip. All similar to one another. I'm fooling myself saying I'm okie... saying since the days are rolling it means I'm okie... but whenever I have a free minute, when I look deeply into my life I realize I'm a mess! A walking wreck! 

When I really think about I realize nothing is actually going right! I feel I have too many problems to really know where to start. So I choose to let it all go... fool myself into saying things didn't really happen! 

If you ask me why am I bringing it up now... I'd tell you last three - four weeks have been incredibly insane... in every aspect... and I'm still holding up. Every time I come to get into the details of the events I fall in disbelief and choose not to. I prefer ignoring them and being in denial for a change... 

My plan is basically to drain my energy out so when the night hits, I simply fall flat on my face and sleep in no time, giving myself no time to thing. 

I'm choosing to be lost because if I think too much I'll end up depressed and in loads of self pitty. So I'm choosing indifference. It's bugging me that I can't really define how I feel, but all I can say is that indifference seems to doing me right at the moment! I'd rather be lost than focused on the amount of crap I got going on! 

Oh well whatever... it's really whatever makes you go through the night!