Crossroads…

I am at this crossroads in my life where I’m not sure where I am or what I should be doing next. I’m not sure there is a purpose behind my existence. I feel like I have tons of potential that I cannot tap into. Like I’m stuck into a life I’ve not chosen or envisioned. In the same time I’m not doing much to change it or get out of this place I am in. And that is more upsetting than the way I feel.

I know I’m not satisfied with where I am… professionally, personally and socially. I know there is so much I want to do… so many different things to the extent that I don’t know what it is exactly that I want to do. I don’t know where I should start.  

I know I want to teach, coach, inspire, do art, be a public speaker, write more, publish something, travel more... In the same time I want to build a career for myself... I'm driven and ambitious and I want to reach places.

I thought I’d be more independent, carefree and spontaneous. In my head, I lead a different life. Like I have another personality that no one got to see, not even myself. I’m starting to doubt it even exists. Like maybe I have to settle that this is who I really am. But I cannot. I refuse to accept this! And I cannot.

I feel old and it is not about the number. True the fact that I’m turning 30 soon is making me think about it more… but it is a lot more than turning 30.

I cannot find my happy place. It is frustrating. And it is hindering me. In everything… in expressing myself and in excelling. I wake up every day and I don’t have any passion or excitement. I feel like I'm diagnosed with chronic boredom.

I wake up with no expectations. And I'm always demotivated. Even the things I’m good at… I’ve become okay! Nothing makes my day… no matter how awesome it is! I cannot give anything anymore. Not at work and not to the dearest people to me.

I don’t think I’m successful, I don’t think I’m beautiful…

But I’m sure I cannot live this way. I look at myself in the mirror… and this is not the person I want to see. Not the way I talk nor the way I walk. I’m not happy with my look or how I feel inside. I don’t recognize myself because this is not at all who I thought I’d be.

I cannot keep on going thinking the best is yet to come. I feel helpless and it pisses me off. I need to change my life, I cannot wait for the change. 

I need to figure it out. I need to be able to be happy with who I am. I can’t find any reason for people to like me, because I don’t like myself right now. I need to get out of this corner I’m stuck in so I can really inspire. I know I can. I’m born to shine! 

What is Stopping You? Umm… Me?

How many days have you woken up and decided today is going to be a better day? Not because you have this hinge that something will be different about it, but because you think you will be able to do things differently.

Personally, I get so many of these days. I wake up with a big smile, super positive… and in that spirit I put my make up on and make sure my hair all puffed up and nice… I dress up, get into my car, stop for my favorite coffee, play my favorite music and starting singing! I’m cheerful!

But then after the second song, pretty much... the old, grumpy, indifferent me comes back. All the negative or pointless thoughts start hitting me, one after the other... "it's been ages since I've been to the gym," about work, my personal life, my family, friends, my social life, the need to go to church more often, my diet, my spirituality, my big dreams around my career, love,‘oh Lord, I’m turning 30 where did my life go?!” And before I know it, my positive outlook to life and my desire to do things differently is gone! Surprisingly most times, nothing has happened to trigger this negativity. 

So I’m really wondering what stops us from keeping the smile, thinking positively, singing in our cars, packing our bags and going on an adventurous trip, working out daily, being really open to expressing what is exactly on your mind, and courageous enough to meet new people? I wish I knew… Sometimes I think it is out of habit that we are inclined to being negative, other times I think it is routine, culture, pressure to do things in certain way, worrying about work, or how people feel, satisfying others… I’m not sure!

But I guess acknowledging that you need that change… is still somehow a good start! 

2013... Was Different!!

I've been terrible at posting... a year has gone by and I probably wrote less than a hand full of posts... and in all honesty I don't know where the time has gone... I'm usually a better writer when it comes to drama... so as much as it sucks that I haven't been writing... I feel it could be a good sign... means maybe I have had a good year!

So let me take this chance... to just jot down a few thoughts... won't even go back and look at what I wrote or edit it... let's see what comes out..

2013 was a different year for me the least to say. There was the good, the bad and the expected... all in all I have to say... looking back this year has been a one of a kind experience.

Starting off... the whole experience of being away from home for more than the year was unexpected. With this... lots of changes were made. It really gave me the chance to clear my head from so many things and distractions that were blurring my vision.... I let go of anything and anyone who could be holding me back... I had a year of self/quality time.. Which in all honesty, I needed and really enjoyed.

I learned the true meaning of independence... I learned a lot of values. I learned that its really hard to keep in touch with friends and that it is a two way effort... nothing comes easily. I must admit along the way I might have lost some friends! I also learned that others rose up... and became closer to me compared to before. Hence, learning that distance really isn't an element... it really comes down to how much effort you're willing to put in.

I also made new friends... learned to come out of my comfort zone... don't be shy about meeting new people and new experiences. I met people who... right now I cannot imagine how I'd leave them behind. To those friends.. I want to say... in 2014, I'm willing to put in the effort to stay in touch.

I think most important lesson was... not to accept less than one deserves from others.

Work has also been one hell of a change this year. Its been exiting, hectic and crazy... I've enjoyed working for a BIG entity... one that really makes the world a better place... Not just something you'd say in an ad; gives you a whole different sense of self actualization. I travelled around, which is always interesting. I had the chance to live in Dubai for more than a year and a chance to visit Oman, Turkey, NY and Connecticut. All in all, it has been some interesting cultural experience...one I enjoyed and plan to continue to enjoy...

Family... well it was very hard being away from my family for so long. The sense that they need me and I'm not there is a killer. Also the effort to keep the bond regardless of the distance wasn't easy... you learn to value them more... when something happens and you really wish they're here with you... but they're not.

Fun... this year wasn't so bad... I had fun, went around, laughed hard, met new people, went to new places, tried new experiences... may be not all of them were great at the time, but looking back, I enjoyed 2013.

Of course there are always stuff to look forward when you look ahead... I won't make a list of resolutions which are only good on paper... But let me say... Yes! There are  few things I'd like to work on... personally, socially and career wise in 2014. I feel I've spent enough time learning who I am and what I want in life... I learned what makes me happy.

I will not say I wish 2014 to be better than 2013... I'm thankful for my past year with all its good and bad. I'm walking into the new year with a lot of optimism for myself, my family, my career, my friends and my country.

Be thankful for your past year... and I wish everyone a more than AWESOME year to come.

Perfect Illusion

We often create this vision for our life... and most of the time its perfect! You imagine that if you plan it right and work for it, there is no reason why life wouldn't turn this vision into reality.

You study hard, you land the best job.
You land the best job, you make good money.
You make good money, you have a great life.
You have a great life, you meet awesome people.
Your meet awesome people, you end up with a good partner.
Your end with a good partner, you have brilliant kids.

But as you move along, you realize that the life you envisioned for yourself is probably an illusion. And illusions are the only place where this vision is perfect. But snap out of it and come to reality you realize that life isn't all pinkish!

You might be with the person you love but that doesn't mean you don't have days when you can't stand their voice! You might be progressing with you're career but that doesn't mean you're satisfied. You might even be happy with your job but that doesn't mean there isn't this one person who just kills your mood at the office. You might be good, decent person but that doesn't mean you're appreciated! You might be sexy but that might not mean you're loved! You might be a good friend, but the doesn't mean the friendship will last.

There is always a "BUT" to the happy story... and in all fairness, this is life. It can't all be cheerful and happy. It can't always be perfect... in fact we know the minute we start to grow up, that perfect doesn't exist!

It's probably not as dramatic, life isn't that bad! However... sometimes you wonder, when does it go right? Or does it ever go right? When do I just relax and enjoy the moment... When do I smile without the back of my head reminding me of some problem of some sort! And especially as we grow older, the stress of realizing that the time of turning this illusion into reality is decreasing is what frustrates you even more. Or perhaps its not too late because you can always change your life, but rather you've expected certain years of your life, your youth, to go differently.

And maybe this is why it is called an illusion.

"BUT" that doesn't mean that we stop closing our eyes a few minutes before we sleep and dive into the utopia we dream of. In fact it's the hope that this illusion may one day become a reality is what keeps us going! The fact that "BUT..." can sometimes be used in a positive light is what makes this illusion even more beautiful.