Crossroads…

I am at this crossroads in my life where I’m not sure where I am or what I should be doing next. I’m not sure there is a purpose behind my existence. I feel like I have tons of potential that I cannot tap into. Like I’m stuck into a life I’ve not chosen or envisioned. In the same time I’m not doing much to change it or get out of this place I am in. And that is more upsetting than the way I feel.

I know I’m not satisfied with where I am… professionally, personally and socially. I know there is so much I want to do… so many different things to the extent that I don’t know what it is exactly that I want to do. I don’t know where I should start.  

I know I want to teach, coach, inspire, do art, be a public speaker, write more, publish something, travel more... In the same time I want to build a career for myself... I'm driven and ambitious and I want to reach places.

I thought I’d be more independent, carefree and spontaneous. In my head, I lead a different life. Like I have another personality that no one got to see, not even myself. I’m starting to doubt it even exists. Like maybe I have to settle that this is who I really am. But I cannot. I refuse to accept this! And I cannot.

I feel old and it is not about the number. True the fact that I’m turning 30 soon is making me think about it more… but it is a lot more than turning 30.

I cannot find my happy place. It is frustrating. And it is hindering me. In everything… in expressing myself and in excelling. I wake up every day and I don’t have any passion or excitement. I feel like I'm diagnosed with chronic boredom.

I wake up with no expectations. And I'm always demotivated. Even the things I’m good at… I’ve become okay! Nothing makes my day… no matter how awesome it is! I cannot give anything anymore. Not at work and not to the dearest people to me.

I don’t think I’m successful, I don’t think I’m beautiful…

But I’m sure I cannot live this way. I look at myself in the mirror… and this is not the person I want to see. Not the way I talk nor the way I walk. I’m not happy with my look or how I feel inside. I don’t recognize myself because this is not at all who I thought I’d be.

I cannot keep on going thinking the best is yet to come. I feel helpless and it pisses me off. I need to change my life, I cannot wait for the change. 

I need to figure it out. I need to be able to be happy with who I am. I can’t find any reason for people to like me, because I don’t like myself right now. I need to get out of this corner I’m stuck in so I can really inspire. I know I can. I’m born to shine! 

What is Stopping You? Umm… Me?

How many days have you woken up and decided today is going to be a better day? Not because you have this hinge that something will be different about it, but because you think you will be able to do things differently.

Personally, I get so many of these days. I wake up with a big smile, super positive… and in that spirit I put my make up on and make sure my hair all puffed up and nice… I dress up, get into my car, stop for my favorite coffee, play my favorite music and starting singing! I’m cheerful!

But then after the second song, pretty much... the old, grumpy, indifferent me comes back. All the negative or pointless thoughts start hitting me, one after the other... "it's been ages since I've been to the gym," about work, my personal life, my family, friends, my social life, the need to go to church more often, my diet, my spirituality, my big dreams around my career, love,‘oh Lord, I’m turning 30 where did my life go?!” And before I know it, my positive outlook to life and my desire to do things differently is gone! Surprisingly most times, nothing has happened to trigger this negativity. 

So I’m really wondering what stops us from keeping the smile, thinking positively, singing in our cars, packing our bags and going on an adventurous trip, working out daily, being really open to expressing what is exactly on your mind, and courageous enough to meet new people? I wish I knew… Sometimes I think it is out of habit that we are inclined to being negative, other times I think it is routine, culture, pressure to do things in certain way, worrying about work, or how people feel, satisfying others… I’m not sure!

But I guess acknowledging that you need that change… is still somehow a good start! 

Lost Beauty...

We often come across people, experiences or situations that overwhelmingly are beautiful...

You are simply overwhelmed....
So you want the whole of it... you don't want bits and pieces of it... you want the entire scene...
You convince yourself that you'll find happiness right here, just this way... that there is nothing else in the world that you could possibly wish for...

You look at them... or experience them... and all you can think of is: this is how I want to spend the rest of my life... this is the person I want to wake up to every morning... I wish this would last forever... this moment should never end....

Its like you're in paradise... you're sleeping in the sun, on soft sand, water hitting your toes, smooth breeze making your hair twirl, listening to your favorite music, having the best drink, relaxing quitely, feeling free and happy, nothing is worrying you, enjoying every moment, helplessly smiling...

Who wouldn't want that to last forever...



And for once... this dream seems like reality... you can see it right in front of your eyes, experience it, touch it physically and emotionally... you're living it... all you're doing is hoping it lasts... and even that doesn't seem impossible... Every possible sign is saying you can have it, that it is yours...

AND THEN...
For some reason or the other, it just starts to change and fade away...
And naturally, you start to fight for it to stay...

And you get to a point where you no longer know whether you're living this once very beautiful experience you once had... because having it in bits and pieces its not like having the entire thing... the "breath taking" effect of utopia is no longer there....

And you sometimes convince yourself that having bits and pieces is better than having nothing!
And other times you tell yourself you should have all or nothing!
Then you go back to telling yourself that maybe the bits and pieces one day grow back to the beautiful place you once knew...
BUT deep down you know you deserve utopia... you don't deserve to wait in "hope for utopia..."

Until eventually you start forgetting the original beauty you once fell for...
The bits and pieces stop meaning the same... Their excitement decreases...They start making the once perfect picture, uglier every time... They start loosing meaning... They seem like essentials... not those sparkly things that once made you shiver with excitement and happiness...
That scene that you could almost always stare at with amusement... gives you a knot in your throat just by remembering it...

You still want the WHOLE thing...
BUT deep down you ask yourself if you'd still want it even if it comes knocking at your door...

POINT IS all this going back and forth, those pointless bits and pieces make this person, experience or scene just lose all its beauty...

And that is just...
Well...
A shame!

A beauty like this should have never been wasted!

~ Sigh!

Christmas Must Haves!

Christmas tree...
Christmas carols...
Christmas movies...
Christmas hats...
Santa Clause...
Lights...
Lots of red...
Lots of green...
Church...
Church bells...
Candles...
Prayers...
Family...
Friends...
Special someone...
Coziness...
Love...
Hope...

Happiness...
Future wishes...
Warm wishes...
Season greetings...
Lots of calls...
Lots of SMS and BBMs...
Gifts under the tree...
Good food...
Hot chocolate...
Chocolate...
Chocolate cake...
Anything chocolatey...
Starbucks...
Catch up with old friends...
Surprise someone...
Get surprised...
Remember old memories...
Make new memories...
Take pictures...
Believe tomorrow will be better...
Believe it's a fresh start...
Go to bed with a smile on your face...

The OPTIMISM of December...

I don't know why but December to me has always been a happy season. Last year I had a post titled December and for some unlikely reason it was depressing. Well, true it's a month of self evaluation, you question yourself with what you've achieved and done in the year... bla bla bla! BUT, generally speaking it's a very happy month for me.

Maybe it's all the holiday and gifts that come with it. That disbelief that a year has gone by. The looking forward to a new year carrying new things! Being hopeful. Looking back to the good things. Making resolutions and hoping things would get better. Being around family and friends. Lots of partying and good food... :)

I don't know... but to me the Christmas decorations and the coziness of Christmas makes it for me and really lifts my mood and spirit. And seriously, the hope that next year will be better excites me and gives me something to look forward to.

May be it's an illusion, but December is a happy season for me... full of optimism. I like December... it just cheers me up inside! And that's a brilliant change!

Lyrics I Love...

Can we pretend that airplanes, In the night sky, Are like shooting star, I could really use a wish right now" "When I see your face. There's not a thing that I would change. Just the way you are. And when you smile. The whole world stops and stares for a while. 'Cause girl you're amazing.The way you are." "I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you. I have been waiting all my life." "I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard. And got so far. But in the end. It doesn't even matter." "When we collide we come together. If we don't we'll always be apart. I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it. When you hit me hit me hard." "Im not afraid of anything in this world. There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard." "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be coming home again." "Let me be the one you call. If you jump I'll break your fall. Lift you up and fly away with you into the nigh. If you need to fall apart. I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn. You're not alone" "When you're broken in a million little pieces. And you're trying but you can't hold on  anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in yourself. When you're broken." "Butterfly well you landed on my mind. Damn right you landed on my ear and then you crawled inside. And now I see you perfectly behind closed eyes. I want to fly with you and I don't want to lie to you." "Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven." "Things aren’t the way they were before. You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore.  Not that you knew me back then. But it all comes back to me in the end." "I’m no beauty queen. I’m just beautiful me." "I had a dream my life would be. So different from the hell I'm living. So different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed." "I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy, I'll be your hope I'll be your love, Be everything that you need, I'll love you more with every breath,Truly, madly, deeply do, I will be strong I will be faithful, 'cause I'm counting on, A new beginning, A reason for living

A deeper meaning," "And if the night runs over. And if the day wont last. And if our way should falter. Along the stony pass. Its just a moment. This time will pass." "Hitting walls and getting scars . Only makes you who you are. Only makes you who you are. No matter how much your heart is aching. There is beauty in the breaking.""I could use a dream or a genie or a wish. To go back to a place much simpler than this" "And I know some day that it’ll all turn out. You'll make me work so we can work to work it out" "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love. Like I'm the only one who knows your heart." Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in. No one else, no one else. Can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten." "I've put my trust in you. Pushed as far as I can go. For all this there’s only one thing you should know:I tried so hard, And got so far, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter, I had to fall, To lose it all, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter." "I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time" "Oh I know that the music's fine. Like sparklin' wine, go and have your fun. Laugh and sing, but while we're apart. Don't give your heart to anyone. But don't forget who's takin' you home. And in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin' save the last dance for me." "I love you like a fat kid loves cake." "Have you ever loved and lost somebody. Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry." "There comes a time where you fade to the blackness. And when you're staring at that phone in your lap. And you hoping but them people never call you back."  "What am I suppose to do, When the best part of me was always you and, What am I suppose to say, When I'm all choked up and you're okay." "Someday love will find you. Break those chains that bind you. One night will remind you. How we touched and went our separate ways." "Better days are gonna find you once again. Every piece will find its place."

Waking Up To A Different Egypt…

GOOD MORNING!!

No one can deny that on February 12th, 2011 we all woke up to a completely different Egypt…

I won’t claim that I was one of the people in Tahrir Square, because I wasn't… but anyone in Egypt or outside can agree that January 25, 2011 until February 11, 2011 really made history in Egypt…

Throughout this revolution, every time some changes were made I would think to myself “WOW, who thought this would happen in Egypt.” And I’d tell myself, “That’s it… what more do the people want… we’ve already taken leaps of advancement, they should know that’s all we’re getting. It’s time to go home!”

BUT… the people were determined and they had a BIGGER dream and they were persistent to achieve it…

February 11, 2011, around 6 p.m., The BIG announcement was made… the success of the Jan. 25th Revolution was announced… the people accomplished what they’ve dreamed for and worked very hard to achieve!



The "power of the people" proved to be stronger than anything else... their amazing will proved to miraculous...

I cannot begin to describe the look and feel of the Egyptian streets… it was beyond words can tell… you’d have to be there to know it… but it was unbelievable!

My reaction was quite delayed… I fell in complete and utter silence because I confused... I personally had very mixed feelings.

Disbelief… I wouldn’t have thought in a million years that the Mubarak regime would end, and above all end this way….

Happiness… for it was a successful revolution made by the people for the people no question asked…

Thankfulness... for all those who helped bring about this historical change...

Pride… for living and seeing this achievement and for knowing what Egyptians are capable of…

Relief... for knowing that those who died during these 18 days didn't die in vain... and again I send my gratitude, respect and condolences to their families and beloved ones...

Uncertainty… for we don’t know what is happening next… and I don’t think there will be certainty until September 2011 when we have a better vision for the future and things begin to stabilize...

Sadness… for I wished people would show a little more respect to someone who has served the country for over 30 years on many different levels, even if the system had many downfalls… He has been Egypt’s symbol for very long… and deep down I still really wished for a better exit for him…

Regret… For I have been very passive in the past… I have witnessed the change and not taken part in it… perhaps because deep down I never thought it would happen; now I know I’m wrong…

Optimism… for a better a future for Egypt…

Fear... for I'm worried we regret any of this in the future...

Trust… for now I know Egyptian people are stronger and more confident than before and they will not allow the country move anywhere but forward…

An even BIGGER trust… for I know God will never leave Egypt alone and that all will work for the benefit of the people and the country… 

What happened yesterday is a HUGE success no question asked… however, I feel it’s the beginning of a loooooooong way to go for all of us…

We will have a new president which we hope would lead us to a better Egypt, but we need to work on ourselves as well to making Egypt better for us and no one else… all the little things that we don’t think they matter, they do…

Let us clean up the roads, listen to each other, respect each other, accept our differences, follow the traffic, show respect to people of all sorts of standards, help build Egypt, invest in the stock, travel internally, be fair, work ethically, smile at each other, be there for each other... and all the things we know we used to ignore before simply because everyone else was doing them... let's stop them because they all matter... and changing them will help us move forward!

This change is enormous… and it’ll take forever to happen again! So let’s make the best use out of it…

Let’s pray for Egypt… we have a long way to go… let’s come out of this experience stronger and more united so we can move forward…

Again… today I woke up knowing Egypt is different… knowing things will never be the same again… and although my feelings are still mixed up, I’m hoping it all works well for our country…

Long Live Egypt and God Bless Egypt At All Times…

Kissing 2010 Good Bye….

So, I woke this morning realizing it’ll never be 2010 again, I mentioned before how fast this year has been… and I’m not gonna change my mind about that (it was super fast actually)… but all in all, with it’s good and bad, it’s over... and we’re celebrating!

We’re celebrating our good moments with our families and friends, our accomplishments, our growth, our maturity, our fun memories... we’re celebrating with the ones we’ve got closer to this year and the new friends and people we gained in our life… we’re celebrating the things we’ll be carrying with us to 2011 because we believe they make us happy!

In the same time, we’re trying to get rid and forget the things that upset and hurt us, the wrong decisions we’ve taken, the bad memories of 2010. We make resolutions (that we may not necessarily follow) in hopes of avoiding these things in 2011.

As I mentioned before, I usually end up having the same resolutions every year, so this time I asked people to send me their resolutions… let me share so of the interesting and common ones:

To learn to forgive and forget…

To never hold grudge…

To stop talking to the fools who makes us feel like crap…

To loose weight…

To quit smoking…

To get over ex-es...

To get back to ex-es…

To find the right partner…

To tell the person you love that you love them…

To get married…

To getting the best wedding dress…

To have the wedding of your dreams…

To get kids…

To learn to let go…

To learn to hold on to people who matter to you…

To meet new people...

To know when it's time to let go of people...

To learn how to draw the line...

To learn to say NO...

To be more flexible...

To learn how to make compromises...

To learn how to deal with anger…

To do better in school…

To grow at work…

To change jobs...

To save more...

To work less...

To work more...

To balance your work and personal life...

To peruse higher levels of education…

To never study again…

To start your own business…

To party less…

To party more...

To read more…

To kill fools on the streets…

To cuss the fools on the street less…

To try and make Egypt better…

To get the hell outta here…

To show your family you care about them more…

To always be there for your parents…

To get over the past and move forward...

To get rid of bad habits…

To never change for anyone…

To pray more…

To believe that God does what’s best for you…

To the believe that the best is yet to come…

To cry less…

To laugh more…

To be less depressed…

To never give up or quit…

To take life more seriously...

To take life less seriously...

To have inner peace…

To make better use of time...

To learn to enjoy life…

SO… these are the resolutions I got, surprisingly a lot of people share the same ones and we donno! I think it's easy to guess which ones belong to males and which ones belong to females (as usual, lol)... some are fun, some are serious, some contradict each other and some complete each other...

And whether we manage achieve these resolutions or not... if you think about it, these are things we believe would make us happy, the things that would make us feel better about our life... the things we'd like to change.

Anyhow… 

I wish you all (and myself) a very happy 2011… full of all the stuff that makes us happy, smile and worry free, hopefully less of the stuff that upset us.

Hoping dreams come true, hoping things get better and believing that the best is yet to come. Believing deep down that if you really ask God to make 2011 better for you and to let it go according to His plans rather than yours… it’ll be an amazing year!

Have yourself an amazing evening, have fun and create memories that will last a lifetime… and we’ll be talking again in 2011.

Happy New Year!