Crossroads…

I am at this crossroads in my life where I’m not sure where I am or what I should be doing next. I’m not sure there is a purpose behind my existence. I feel like I have tons of potential that I cannot tap into. Like I’m stuck into a life I’ve not chosen or envisioned. In the same time I’m not doing much to change it or get out of this place I am in. And that is more upsetting than the way I feel.

I know I’m not satisfied with where I am… professionally, personally and socially. I know there is so much I want to do… so many different things to the extent that I don’t know what it is exactly that I want to do. I don’t know where I should start.  

I know I want to teach, coach, inspire, do art, be a public speaker, write more, publish something, travel more... In the same time I want to build a career for myself... I'm driven and ambitious and I want to reach places.

I thought I’d be more independent, carefree and spontaneous. In my head, I lead a different life. Like I have another personality that no one got to see, not even myself. I’m starting to doubt it even exists. Like maybe I have to settle that this is who I really am. But I cannot. I refuse to accept this! And I cannot.

I feel old and it is not about the number. True the fact that I’m turning 30 soon is making me think about it more… but it is a lot more than turning 30.

I cannot find my happy place. It is frustrating. And it is hindering me. In everything… in expressing myself and in excelling. I wake up every day and I don’t have any passion or excitement. I feel like I'm diagnosed with chronic boredom.

I wake up with no expectations. And I'm always demotivated. Even the things I’m good at… I’ve become okay! Nothing makes my day… no matter how awesome it is! I cannot give anything anymore. Not at work and not to the dearest people to me.

I don’t think I’m successful, I don’t think I’m beautiful…

But I’m sure I cannot live this way. I look at myself in the mirror… and this is not the person I want to see. Not the way I talk nor the way I walk. I’m not happy with my look or how I feel inside. I don’t recognize myself because this is not at all who I thought I’d be.

I cannot keep on going thinking the best is yet to come. I feel helpless and it pisses me off. I need to change my life, I cannot wait for the change. 

I need to figure it out. I need to be able to be happy with who I am. I can’t find any reason for people to like me, because I don’t like myself right now. I need to get out of this corner I’m stuck in so I can really inspire. I know I can. I’m born to shine! 

My Awareness That My Current Life is Temporary...

So, don't freak out from the title, I'm not going to speak life and death!


I was at this event called, TEDxCairo (pretty big cool event) and I herd a speech from Mr.Hesham El Gamal about achieving your dreams!


So of course that got me thinking, and I though... "is this the life I really want for myself?" 


Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty much okay with my current life, my family, my job, my friends, my studies... everything is running smooth, I wont complain! However, it's not my dream life!


I'm not going to brag about myself, BUT, I'm a person who likes art, I do amazing hand made artwork, calligraphy, I like writing, I'm talented at public speaking and presentations and my dream is to teach with passion! Deep down, I believe I can be famous and a positive influencer. 


I try my best to make use of the things I love, integrate them in my day to day, for instance this blog! However, it's not the same... I'm not really doing the things that I'm passionate about... like really really passionate, if you know what I mean.


I previously wrote a post called December in 2010, and how this month reminds us that a whole year has passed by without us doing what we really wanted to do. And here we are; 2011 is almost half way through and on  the personal level it's exactly like every other year before. It's going by fine, I'm doing well... but it's not going the way I've always dreamed it would.


But just fine is really not enough! Just fine doesn't give this overwhelming and satisfying feeling! It doesn't get you anywhere next to self fulfillment. 


So I herd that speech and I said... what the hell, I too can live my dream... turn it into reality. I came up with a definite conclusion that my current life is temporary... until I really get where I want... and where is that? I want to be a famous writer, inspired by art, and a teacher EVEN IF all this seems like too much and undirected... but that's the point, it's my dream :)


Good luck to me!