Our conscious decision to make ourselves miserable!

Do we sometimes enjoy making ourselves miserable? I often wonder if I sometimes voluntarily make an active decision to make myself miserable... For example you're trying to diet yet you decide to a chocolate; you're overloaded with work yet you chose to procrastinate or you know someone is a perfect mismatch for you yet you continue to over obsesses about them... The list can really go on.

However, what is common among all of these cases is the fact that you know the outcome of something cannot possibly be good, yet you become this weak, pathetic person with no will what-so-ever and you give in and do something stupid.

But then - I come back and say; this is human nature. We are born with weaknesses; it doesn't make us pathetic.

So I give myself a pat on the back - tell myself I'm okay, it is not the end of the world and I pull through. I think the right words are, I convince myself that it is okay to continue being stupid. I hate to admit it, but I think the best word for it is denial - in return of course to momentary and temporary happiness.

But that is not what really drives me crazy!

What I find insane is the fact that it hurts when you realize you got to pull the plug and step back into reality. That you cannot live in denial anymore. For some reason, despite the fact that you have always knew the outcome was not going to be good, coming in terms with it and accepting it still take you by surprise. And hurts you like you didn't see it coming.

When you realize that this was the last time! That the next time you run into this person things will not be the same again. That the spark of hope you once fooled yourself with will no longer exist.

And I ask myself... why the hell did I put myself through this? Why did I allow myself to let "me" down! 

And the truth is - I have no idea! And that pisses me off even more! 

Is hope such a good thing?

I'm asking myself today if hope is good thing. Pushing yourself to remain optimistic in the midst of everything... does that really help you? I used to like think so... But the older I grow and the more I see I realize that maybe too much hope isn't always a good idea. As much as hope keeps you going, tells you that eventually there is a happy ending, that there is light in the end of the tunnel... that maybe there is a chance that things go as planned... It often becomes so scary because it means bigger disappointment and a stronger slap on the face.

I've recently decided to be more positive... to smile at life... to be more open to people and experiences.

And my take is... life is a real bitch. It stares you in the face, smiles at you, manipulates to think she is on your side... and just when you get comfortable... it smiles even bigger and points its middle finger right at you with a sense of victory. 

So I'm asking myself is hope such a good thing for us? Is it better to live with no expectations? May be then if something good happens it would make us happier.

I keep telling myself its all about time... good things are bound to happen... dreams might come true. But the truth is... I never get used to the disappointment. And every time it takes more effort on my side to have "hope" again... which only means the disappointment is bigger and stronger and harder to recover from. 

So I think I'm letting go of hope for a good while. I'm back to no expectations. I'm letting go of happy endings... I can deal with indifference, but I cannot deal with more disappointment. I want to say "who knows maybe life surprises me," but I realized that this is another shape of hope that just tricks you into waiting and into expecting anything good to come out of this thing called... life!

Crossroads…

I am at this crossroads in my life where I’m not sure where I am or what I should be doing next. I’m not sure there is a purpose behind my existence. I feel like I have tons of potential that I cannot tap into. Like I’m stuck into a life I’ve not chosen or envisioned. In the same time I’m not doing much to change it or get out of this place I am in. And that is more upsetting than the way I feel.

I know I’m not satisfied with where I am… professionally, personally and socially. I know there is so much I want to do… so many different things to the extent that I don’t know what it is exactly that I want to do. I don’t know where I should start.  

I know I want to teach, coach, inspire, do art, be a public speaker, write more, publish something, travel more... In the same time I want to build a career for myself... I'm driven and ambitious and I want to reach places.

I thought I’d be more independent, carefree and spontaneous. In my head, I lead a different life. Like I have another personality that no one got to see, not even myself. I’m starting to doubt it even exists. Like maybe I have to settle that this is who I really am. But I cannot. I refuse to accept this! And I cannot.

I feel old and it is not about the number. True the fact that I’m turning 30 soon is making me think about it more… but it is a lot more than turning 30.

I cannot find my happy place. It is frustrating. And it is hindering me. In everything… in expressing myself and in excelling. I wake up every day and I don’t have any passion or excitement. I feel like I'm diagnosed with chronic boredom.

I wake up with no expectations. And I'm always demotivated. Even the things I’m good at… I’ve become okay! Nothing makes my day… no matter how awesome it is! I cannot give anything anymore. Not at work and not to the dearest people to me.

I don’t think I’m successful, I don’t think I’m beautiful…

But I’m sure I cannot live this way. I look at myself in the mirror… and this is not the person I want to see. Not the way I talk nor the way I walk. I’m not happy with my look or how I feel inside. I don’t recognize myself because this is not at all who I thought I’d be.

I cannot keep on going thinking the best is yet to come. I feel helpless and it pisses me off. I need to change my life, I cannot wait for the change. 

I need to figure it out. I need to be able to be happy with who I am. I can’t find any reason for people to like me, because I don’t like myself right now. I need to get out of this corner I’m stuck in so I can really inspire. I know I can. I’m born to shine! 

What is Stopping You? Umm… Me?

How many days have you woken up and decided today is going to be a better day? Not because you have this hinge that something will be different about it, but because you think you will be able to do things differently.

Personally, I get so many of these days. I wake up with a big smile, super positive… and in that spirit I put my make up on and make sure my hair all puffed up and nice… I dress up, get into my car, stop for my favorite coffee, play my favorite music and starting singing! I’m cheerful!

But then after the second song, pretty much... the old, grumpy, indifferent me comes back. All the negative or pointless thoughts start hitting me, one after the other... "it's been ages since I've been to the gym," about work, my personal life, my family, friends, my social life, the need to go to church more often, my diet, my spirituality, my big dreams around my career, love,‘oh Lord, I’m turning 30 where did my life go?!” And before I know it, my positive outlook to life and my desire to do things differently is gone! Surprisingly most times, nothing has happened to trigger this negativity. 

So I’m really wondering what stops us from keeping the smile, thinking positively, singing in our cars, packing our bags and going on an adventurous trip, working out daily, being really open to expressing what is exactly on your mind, and courageous enough to meet new people? I wish I knew… Sometimes I think it is out of habit that we are inclined to being negative, other times I think it is routine, culture, pressure to do things in certain way, worrying about work, or how people feel, satisfying others… I’m not sure!

But I guess acknowledging that you need that change… is still somehow a good start! 

New Year... Evolution or Illusion?

We often think that with the tick of the clock, once it turns 12 and it's a new year our life would change... a whole new beginning to life and our selves would come out... we wait for an evolution, for the world to change... for the unexpected, for resolutions we have been making for the year or years to finally come to live!

BUT... with years, I've earned some experience and wisdom, and  I've come to realize that this hope for an evolution as the New Year approaches... is most likely just an illusion.

I don't meant to be dramatic or to kill the optimism we have for the whole new year, new beginning fairy tale we all, including me, live in. But, sometimes we come in terms with reality and its good to stop and share it. May be make someone else avoid the stupidity you've been placed in before! If someone out there is expecting a magical moment of change... I'm not saying it doesn't happen; I'm just saying don't count on New Year to be that magical moment. 

In the so called life... Jan 1st, 12 am each year is just the next second, the next minute, the next day, the next month, the next year.... its just another clock tick of no particular significance or change.

If there was this one split second where everything changes suddenly, where we click a button and the past is deleted and a new horizon opens up... then New Year's would be a universal moment across Egypt, Lebanon, Dubai, Jordan, Saudi, US, Canada, UK, Germany, France, India, Singapore... but facts are this magical moment isn't universal, there is no single moment where the ENTIRE world stops and we all get a chance to start over new! This moment is different across countries, across states, across cities, across homes and across the people in the same home. Each person's clock hits 12 am at a different split second! 

Truth remains... New Year's is just a thing we've created! An illusion we've immersed ourselves with giving ourselves hope that there is a chance to get up and fix things to re-evaluate where we stand!

I'm not being pessimistic; I'm being realistic... 
Change does happen, but it doesn't need a clock or a date or to dim out the lights and turn them on to a new you... change is timeless; can happen anywhere, anytime, anyhow...

Change happens when you intend for it to happen...

Change that is time bound is an illusion...

Change that you create is a true evolution...

You decide your own New Year... your New Year, your real evolution, begins when you take a good look at yourself and you realize: now is the time to change!

Life as a Chick Flick!

Sometimes I wonder... Why can't life be as pink as that of a chick flick?

Why can't happy ending be something bound to happen sooner or later?

Why can't you be the prom queen in school and work and basically the queen everywhere you set foot in?

Why can't you be the girl every one is dying to be with?

Why can't you get your dream scholarship and your dream job?

Why can't you just always go shopping and travel and not worry about finances?

Why can't the guy you've been waiting for eventually come back?

Why can't these lovey dovey love stories happen to you?

Why can't your friends always remember you and be there for you before you even ask for it?

Why can't you be valedictorian and or employee of the month?

Why can't you have the perfect body and look good in everything?

Why can't you live the life of your dreams? Only in this case your dreams are a living reality...

This superficial life is sometimes a good fantasy to dream about :) I wish I can go there for a while! My life to be a chick flick! For a change!

A Year of Blogging!

So, I can't believe it, I've been blogging for a year already! Time does fly! I still get excited about writing a new post and checking the stats to see if people liked it or hated it! I also still do get excited about the number of comments and likes I get. It's kind of rewarding!

Even more, the whole experience of blogging that Garbage of the Soul has given me is great. The fact that I can come here and write whatever comes to mind is amazing. And believe it or not it is quite relieving... getting things off my chest and feeling like I vent about whatever bothers me is soul enhancing!

It's also more interesting when I have people tell me that they really relate to what I write. It means that although this blog is basically just about me, there are people out there who feel I make sense. That all this craziness in me and these contradicting emotions really have some sanity in them. It's also appeasing to know that what I write may stand a chance of giving relief to someone else.

Over the year the most constant criticism I got revolved around the name of my blog! Well, it could take people back a little, however I don't mean that what I write is trashy, it just means that this blog is a place where I can come in and dump all my thoughts and emotions into writing, hence clearing up and reviving my Soul! ~ it kindda makes sense if you think about it!


Anyways, here are the TOP 10 posts you all have enjoyed over the course of this year! In case you've missed them, take a chance to look at them when you can. Here they are; the highest read on top of the list:
GIRL in Egypt...
FACE Your Relationship Issues!
Laughing At Me...
Letting Go...
The Perfect Life of Others...
I'm BLESSED...
Let the Make Over Begin...
I'm PISSED!
Super Mommy :)
The Focal Point Of Our Lives…

Looking forward to another year of MORE blogging!

Remember to always let me know what you think :)

Takes Something, Gives Something...

So life.. clearly and obviously doesn't give us everything we want. And ya.. sometimes we feel like nothing is going right.

However if we actually take time to realize... life isn't so unfair after all. I know I'm contradicting every other miserable post I've written... But fact is when life takes something, it gives you another.

I've lately been going through some dark and twisted phase. In the same time... God has sent me two guarding angels to be there for me every step of the way. Usually, if that had happened to me, I would have been absorbed in misery and sadness and even grief.


INSTEAD... 
I've really been blessed with two amazingly supportive, fun and understanding friends who are with me day in and out, morning and night, at work, outside, on the phone, on bbm, on Twitter... 24/7 distracting me, telling me that it's not the end of the world, that I deserve better and that things will get better.  It's like God sent them to me right before my problem so they can help me get through with it. 

They even make me laugh in my most difficult moments. Today I can't believe I laughed this much. The none stop kind of laughter. This would have never happened... I've been me for a while and I pretty much know I would have been sinking in depression, hating everyone and everything. I would have been crying and excluding myself on the side!

I can't explain how much I'm glad with this friendship and how much I truly value it... but I can honestly say if it weren't for them these days would have been unbearable. True I am upset and down from the way things may have turned out to me... but seriously it's going a lot better than I had expected. In the middle of all this, one of my hardest moments ever, I'm able to see something positive! 

Yesterday they got my an engraved bracelet that read: "May your days all be blessed with the presence of an angel watching over you!"

Ladies, you are my angels.

It may seem like a 6th grade corny best friends for ever necklace kind of thing to do. But it means the world to me.

Thanks! I mean it!

So ya life may take something but it sure does give another. It may take something that is replaceable but it gives you something that is for keeps.

Booba and Amy... you sure are for keeps!

The GOOD People We Meet in Life...

Life is pretty random, ironic, frustrating and unfair!

I keep searching for positive stuff to write and I can't help but fall into the negativity trap! It just runs to me with arms wide open!

I even tried stepping away from my self and finding positive stuff to write... stuff I see in other people and my surroundings and I still spot on negativity... 

I have to admit that even when I rarely find something positive to write about, it's short and stupid and inexpressive... I fail to be positive and to express positivity... Perhaps I have not yet run into something that is positive enough to move me and get me writing passionately...

ANYWAY...
I've recently noticed some great people in life... (don't get your hopes up, this isn't positive, not even close) like good people... amazing people who are simply just GOOD inside out... 

YET...
Strangely enough... I've also noticed that these GOOD, awesome people don't seem to be getting what they deserve... These people need tons of love, care, passion, consideration, appreciation, warmth, and thankfulness for their mere presence in life. At least for the fact that they wish you good morning with a smile...

I don't know what's up with life being unfair! It's beyond me to understand why some jerks are surrounded by lots of loving people who are willing to give them everything and anything... and the real actual GOOD nice people are surrounded by others who don't value them or deserve them!

It's beyond me to understand why these nice people get a life of unhappiness... worry... and lack of emotional support. Why their expectations are never met! Why they keep getting let down once, twice, trice and forever... Why they're surrounded by jerks who just mistreat them and cause them pain and disappointment. Why aren't they appreciated and valued. Why does BAD LUCK just keep chasing them day in and day out! Why they get pushed around and treated like invisibles!

It's beyond me to understand why these GOOD people are the ones who end up heartbroken, who go to sleep at night crying or worrying about tomorrow, why they end up with husbands and wives who doesn't deserve them, kids who don't value them and friends who forget them... Why are they the ones who end up neglected and ignored!

It's beyond me to understand why some people choose to be rude and hurt someone who has been nothing but super nice to them!

It's beyond me to understand why some people emotionally SCREW up other who have always been there for them and are keen to never making them feel bad.

The list can really go on forever... 


Why can't life give them a damn break and give them a reason to keep going; to continue being good... make them feel that they weren't fools all along for being this GOOD, decent, nice, caring.... (this list can also go on forever)!

It honestly pisses me off! They just deserve so much more! I can't find the words to explain what they deserve... BUT for a fact they deserve a lot more from everyone around them! These people aren't good, they're GOLD! They deserve to be treated like they're kings and queens! They deserve to be surrounded by people who love them and are willing and capable of giving back to them, even when they don't ask for it!

Why can't life just do some freakin' mixing and matching for a change. Give the jerks to the jerks and the nice ones to the nice ones.

Life is unfair... it's a fact I learnt to be true with every single passing day. A fact that I've come to accept. I've also come to accept that thinking otherwise is naive and stupid. 

I have met GOOD people in my life... and if life and others choose to be jerks to them... I can at least try to be nice to them back until life does it's magic and treats them well one day... or so I hope! I also choose to believe that one day goodness will be paid off by life! AT LEAST, it's a reason to keep going!

SIGH!

Question to Life...

I'm literally bored... and when I'm bored I get a lot of time thinking which is something I officially hate 'cause I end up depressed...

So during my thinking process today, I ended up pissed at life (as usual, it comes along with being depressed)... I asked my myself a lot of stuff and then I realized they all revolve around one thing and pretty much one thing only!

Can we go on with life and never get what we want!?

Why is it that we're always unsatisfied? Is it a human greed? We never get enough? Once you get something you start searching for the next? OR is life really unfair to the extent that you can go on for ever and ever and ever and just never get what you want? Is it possible that we just end up praying for something and never getting it? Will we spend our lives just imagining how our life would turn out IF we ever get what we want? 

To me that's just a load of depressing crap!

Sometimes, perhaps to appease my anger, I tell myself that main problem is that we want the wrong stuff!

This issue has been nagging me for a while... I've always been questioning life, blaming life for being annoying and unfair! Sometimes even mean and harsh! 

I've just always felt it was easier blaming it on life... like it is never my fault things don't turn out well! 

UNTIL...

A few days ago a friend asked if I could help put some of his thoughts in writing... ACTUALLY he brought something to light under MY eye... maybe it's not that life is mean or that we wish for the wrong stuff! Maybe we actually don't know what we want! Maybe we lack an understanding of what it is that makes us happy and satisfied. 

Maybe we're not patient enough to wait for the right thing to happen! 

Hence we end going through all the wrong paths hoping to find what we want... or hoping to find the answers we keep looking for. We keep searching for whatever we hope gives us the satisfactory feeling of that missing element in our life!

Perhaps... we feel life that life does't give us what we want  because we ourselves don't know what we want.

We keep hoping that we get something or the other... but do we know if we actually want it? Are we sure that it will give us the feeling of completion... the satisfaction and happiness that we're looking for? Or is it just another wrong path we're taking!? Another puddle of confusion we're throwing ourselves in?

I guess this "WHAT IF" element to life is what drives us mad! Makes us feel helpless... unsatisfied and full of questions... Questions that can't be answered... because "what if" could simply happen, or not... and if it happens can just have a million different answers and outcomes! 

We keep hoping that others would understand us better, give us a chance... or simply hear us out! But do we even understand ourselves, do we hear them out... Do we even understand them!? Do we give life and people what we expect in return or are we just a demanding bunch of whiners?!

So I'm asking life or maybe me... What is it that I want from life? And will I go on forever without knowing what it is or never getting it?

I don't have the answer... I hope someone does!

BUT that doesn't change the fact that sometimes I wish life would give me a break and give me what I want... even if it would give me temporary satisfaction! 

I know, some people would say: this temporary satisfaction may later result in more troubles! 

I'd say: life is full of troubles anyways... some temporary satisfaction wouldn't hurt! It would give me closure knowing the outcomes of what I want, the answers to my "what ifs", that satisfaction that my prayers are answered and that it's possible to get what you want.

Today I'm depressed and hoping for temporary satisfaction.... HOWEVER, believe it or not... DEEP DOWN I do believe in Happy Endings, that Things Do Get Better... and that Satisfaction & Happiness are down the road to all of us! 

People In My Life!

Life is a roller coaster! I'm gonna try my best not to break my streak of positive posts ... however I gotta say life is sometimes too dynamic for me! Changes happen to fast... it's unbelievable! 

The people we meet in life and those whom we choose to be our friends, or they choose us, or it happened naturally (whatever and however it really was) are the people who define who we are to a big extent. They shape our habits, change who we are and we change who they are. They leave deep prints in our lives, memories we look back to and times we look forward...We share dream and hope for the future, we count on each other and we expect that we'll always be there for each other every step of the way, through thick and thin!

However, over the last 7 years it has been my destiny to get detached from the people I love and know...

In 2004 I basically had to say good bye to my childhood friends, maybe to my childhood as a whole... I left Saudi and came to Egypt for university in hopes of starting a better and more stable life! It took me a good 1 to 2 years to get used to these changes... For a while there I thought I didn't need friends, MSN was my good companion... 

During my first year in university (2004-2005), I stayed at the dorms... I met people there from the different walks of life; friends from different countries, from different provinces within Egypt, friend who came to Egypt just to study while their parents and families lived  elsewhere... AGAIN as I left the dorms and as we all graduated, each of them has gone back to where they came from... and again... 

With the end of university in 2008... life got pretty busy with all of us! Some work abroad, some work 24/7, some got married, some got kids... we've changed jobs, met new people, left the new people, met newer people... it's a vicious and endless cycle!

And again YESTERDAY... was the farewell of two of my very dear and few friends... both heading to better futures and careers  in other countries! And honestly, as much as I wish them great and amazing lives... I'm upset... enough already, I'd like to have some people stay where I am in life! These two particularly I wanted them around for ever and ever and ever! Ya we'll meet again for sure (it's not an option not to) but I'll truly miss them! 

Will this be the end of it? Not really! I'd be kidding myself! I myself want to leave and change my life! I know a few other good friends who want to leave! I know it's a natural part of life.. a normal progression... but it's a damn killer! A sad one! True technologies have made keeping in touch an easier thing. We can talk and see each other! But it's not the same as being physically there! Sometimes things happen on the spot and you want someone to be there right then and there! 

I might just wanna look at a friend, share eye contact knowing she knows what I'm thinking, call for emergency tips on life, get excited over something that happened, go on relaxing trip or shopping frenzy... or call to gossip... or cry to them or laugh with them or simply just know they're around! And technology is good, but it doesn't make all that same! 

So these are the people in my life... globally dispersed! It's a good chance to tell them all: you guys are and will be missed! And I'm really doing my best to keep in touch and will always do in hopes that things will be always be the same between us and that we'll SOON meet again!

U all know who you are! 

Lots of love!

- Sigh!

My Awareness That My Current Life is Temporary...

So, don't freak out from the title, I'm not going to speak life and death!


I was at this event called, TEDxCairo (pretty big cool event) and I herd a speech from Mr.Hesham El Gamal about achieving your dreams!


So of course that got me thinking, and I though... "is this the life I really want for myself?" 


Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty much okay with my current life, my family, my job, my friends, my studies... everything is running smooth, I wont complain! However, it's not my dream life!


I'm not going to brag about myself, BUT, I'm a person who likes art, I do amazing hand made artwork, calligraphy, I like writing, I'm talented at public speaking and presentations and my dream is to teach with passion! Deep down, I believe I can be famous and a positive influencer. 


I try my best to make use of the things I love, integrate them in my day to day, for instance this blog! However, it's not the same... I'm not really doing the things that I'm passionate about... like really really passionate, if you know what I mean.


I previously wrote a post called December in 2010, and how this month reminds us that a whole year has passed by without us doing what we really wanted to do. And here we are; 2011 is almost half way through and on  the personal level it's exactly like every other year before. It's going by fine, I'm doing well... but it's not going the way I've always dreamed it would.


But just fine is really not enough! Just fine doesn't give this overwhelming and satisfying feeling! It doesn't get you anywhere next to self fulfillment. 


So I herd that speech and I said... what the hell, I too can live my dream... turn it into reality. I came up with a definite conclusion that my current life is temporary... until I really get where I want... and where is that? I want to be a famous writer, inspired by art, and a teacher EVEN IF all this seems like too much and undirected... but that's the point, it's my dream :)


Good luck to me! 

The Perfect Life of Others...

We often get this feeling that others run these amazing perfect lives... We often look at them and wonder why can't we lead these smooth, happy and interesting lives?

And we grumble with frustration about why we are not like them... we consider ourselves unfortunate, unlucky and sometimes even cursed because we see our lives as nothing BUT a step from one mud puddle to an even bigger mud puddle!

Even more, we sometimes feel others look at us with this "eye!" And most probably we feel annoyed and you wanna SCREAM at them: if only you know it's not as perfect as it looks...

AND THAT'S THE GLITCH; right there!!

Those people we look at with amusement and sometimes envy... they too wanna scream at us: if only you know it's not as perfect as it looks...

Those people we look up to and claim they have perfect lives.... simply DON'T! Everyone lives in their own roller coaster of events, issues, problems, stress, crap, failures & frustrations... We only think their lives are running smooth... But we all have our bumps... some days are good and happy others are bad, difficult and gloomy!

We all have our ups and downs, however, we are all good at playing pretend... we all like to keep the bad side undercover and we like to show up with big smiles... we like to talk about the things that make us happy... we like to brag about success... we don't want to look bad, we don't want to seem weak, we don't want to get exposed... OR perhaps we just wanna forget about whatever problems we have for just a little while!

And that is REALLY okay! We are entitled to escaping from whatever it is that makes us unhappy!

What matters is that we grasp the fact that whatever we're going through is happening with everyone! We have to realize that these lucky people... are just people with their own good days and bad days!

The perfect lives of others is really an illusion that we immerse ourselves with... little do you know these others might even have more problems than us... they might be considering us lucky!

Let's take it easy... I'm no expert... I'm talking to myself more than talking to anyone... I keep telling myself everyone has problems, there is no such thing as perfect lives, there is no life that runs completely smooth... I keep telling myself these bumps are what give our lives meaning!

So instead of looking at the lives of others with that "eye" I should rather learn to accept mine, smile about it, focus on the bright side and find ways in working around my bad days and my problems.

- sigh!

The Focal Point Of Our Lives…

I don’t know if this is true for others, applicable across cultures or equally valid for guys… but why is it that I feel our entire life revolves around finding the right partner!

I’m not denying that I’d love to run into the right guy… ‘cause I’d love that!

But why is it taking too much out of our thoughts and feelings?!?

I have no answer for this question… I’m just wondering out loud… so if any of you have suggestions; don’t hesitate to fill me in! But I noticed that whenever we girls get together this issue takes up a lot of our mental space!

We live to visualize what life with that significant other would be like! We create dreams and wait for them to turn into reality...

But the fact that our life revolves around finding the significant others just makes everything else seem like it’s not enough… you don’t enjoy it… like something is always missing!

Maybe I’m wrong… but sometimes I feel I’ve achieved a lot in my life… not a lot as in worldwide, recognized achievements, but I haven’t done so bad and I’m still not satisfied and I still feel finding that significant other might be the element that will complete the picture…

And I wonder, when that significant other is found, when the life partner is there… will I get that feeling of completeness? Will it be worth the wait? Will it really be the beginning of my dream of a perfect life? Or will I have another focal point around which my life exits!

Or is the focal point of our lives… the lack of satisfaction of where we are at the moment and what we have!

Honestly, I really have no clue!

The Illusion That Life STOPS....

There are times, when we get this "illusion" that life would stop if a certain thing doesn't go as we planned or we wanted!

We keep fighting all odds afraid to lose it...

We think our plan is the best plan... we think we know what should happen... we think we know what's right…

The day we lose it we see BLACKNESS... the day we lose it we go out of our way to bring it back... we do all sorts of stuff to fight it!

We get the illusion that life would stop... that nothing good would happen again!

WE ARE WRONG!

We are the ones who stop! We freeze! Life never does!

However, with time we realize a lot of things...

What we thought was impossible becomes the norm... gets embedded into our day lives... we get used to things being gone... we might even get to a point where we do not even realize it’s gone!

We might even start regretting all we did not to lose it... we could wish we let it go as soon as things started falling apart...

After all you never get what’s not yours… after all you can’t fight to keep something that doesn’t want you as much…

You realize it’s not worth it anymore… you realize that even if it happens now it lost all its essence and beauty!

We might realize that with just a few days things aren't as bad as we might have imagined them to turn out... that all we needed was to hold our breath, to keep cool for a few minutes or even hours until this urgency to fight back was gone….

As the song says, "it's just a moment, this time will pass."

We think we're Stuck In A Moment... you think if you let this minute go everything ends... but it's not true... time will pass... things get better...

Life doesn’t stop at anything or for anyone… thinking it does is nothing but an illusion…

Understanding that it doesn’t stop is important… understanding that all you need is to breath is crucial… understand that when you’re at the edge… you don’t need to fight back… when you think you’ll lose it, don’t hold on to it… Just let it go… it’s okay… it’s not the end of the world!

I’m not saying this out of being philosophical or asking people to give up… I've been there a lot! Now I know that it’s okay to let go… if it’s meant to happen its coming back to you… if its not, don’t worry… something else will… Don’t let your illusions tell you that life would stop!

Time...

I've always tried to figure out whether time is my friend or my enemy!? However, it's not time itself... it's the changes that time brings upon us that has this questionable impact on us...

For me, the worst thing time brings changes upon are relationships... Well true, love relationships, but not just that... Even friendships... or any possible relationship that could exist...

Let's see...

I was born and raised in Saudi Arabia; lived there for 18 years. I was in an International School with friends from every single part of the globe; then left that all behind and came to Egypt. Then I lived in the dorms for a year, where people came from all over Egypt or expats studying in Egypt and again left that behind and settled in my home. Then there was university where I spent four years with amazing people, and then we graduated and each took their own road to the future (worked elsewhere, got married, busy with kids, masters, PhD...) and changed three jobs so far each with a different set of busy people...

And true the internet has proved to be a major help to us in keeping people in touch and communicating. However, it's not the same... time has changed the nature of our relationships... how we speak and what we say...

There are also those people who we stop speaking to or lose touch with... 'cause we've argued over something stupid and we both can't get our egos to just get over it OR 'cause things didn't work out... OR for whatever reason! But despite the fact that we can't speak to them today 'cause there has been too much damage, deep down you still value them in your hearts and wished things were different!

And my question is... how is that someone can be in your life day in and day out, morning, night and then BOOM... they're no longer there. How's that fair, that you get used to someone and then they're not there anymore.

How is it that something comes up... and that was the one person you'd turn to but they're not there anymore to talk to them about it either 'cause you just haven't spoken in too long, 'cause you've agreed to part ways or 'cause telling them the story via e-mail is just not the same...

How is it that one day that person was everything to you and you share them everything and they're almost with you every single minute of every day AND NOW you think twice or even ten times before you say hello...

How is it that a childhood friend has now turned into status update to you? And we call that keeping in touch... you see their graduation pics rather than be there...

How is it that someone you wished would stay long enough in your life, now you no longer know anything about?

How is it that they cross your mind... and all you can do is let them JUST cross your mind...

How is it that all you can do is worry about them from afar 'cause time has put you at distant ends!

How, How, How, How, How...

Why does time change things this way? Why can't things stay the same... stay stable! Keep the people we value the same, they don't change... we don't change. Keeping the ties, keeping the feelings the same, the distance close... Making the bonds stronger rather than weaker!

And again I say, maybe this change is for the better... so I really dunno, does this impact time has on us and our relationships with people... does that make time our friend our enemy...

In some situations, I can assure you time is an enemy... I mean, why do childhood friends end up on different parts of the globe?

The way I see it, today it could be our enemy... later in the future, when we have better vision and a better understanding we'd see it as our friend...

Umm... I have no idea actually... after writing about it... It's more like LIFE not TIME that's an issue... and as they say in the end of every story, C'est La Vie or This Is Life....

The point is to train yourself to get used to it and to accept the changes that life or time throw at you... to let go of whatever was left behind... and tell yourself every MINUTE of every DAY that time is also capable of bringing better things your way!

Growing Older…

How does someone grow older?

Is it age? Sometimes I feel it has to do with age… I mean the day I turned 20 I wasn't too excited… and definitely the day I turned 25 wasn't thrilling at all!

However I realized that age isn’t always the indication of growing older…

I mean… there are days when I’m 25 and I feel younger than days when I was 22… if you get what I mean!

And those days when I feel young... I ask myself, why can't I just be that person everyday!? And the answer, I really dunno... I end up being old and grumpy uncontrollably! Like I'm helpless towards this disgusting feeling!

I feel growing older is a state of mind and emotions… Growing older means you worry yourself too much, you push yourself harder than you should, you punish yourself and you judge yourself harsher…

The more we immerse ourselves into problems, the older we get…

The more we worry, the older we get…

When we can’t careless and the weight keeps getting heavier; the older we get…

Telling yourself that you can’t do this because you’re not young anymore is the first sign of growing older…You convince yourself that you’ve grown when you haven’t…

You see yourself as old… although no one else does!

I figured that you can actually be young and spontaneous till the last day of your life… not immature… but young!

Laugh...

Sing...

Dance...

Go out...

Travel...

Take things as they come...

Worry less...

Believe it’ll work out on its own...

Let go of whatever it is that holds you back and makes you feel that way...

Do something stupid every now and then...

Stop being serious all the time...

Don't beat up yourself for things you cannot change...

Stop carrying more than you can hold...

I don’t claim I do that… on the contrary I do the exact opposite… and it pisses me off!

Lately I always feel old… Older than I am… Older than I should be… Emotionally and mentally older… I feel older than I deserve to be... Older than I owe it myself...

I even end up looking and sounding older than I am... people place me into this boring category!

And that just… makes me feel even sadder and hence… older! – sigh!

Busy Days…

Personally, I love holidays and having nothing to do… these times are a great reward!

However... these holidays are good when I'm in perfect and relaxed mood... when I have the intention to enjoy them...they need a particular mind set...

But there are times… when I have a problem or something bothering me…. During these times I really don’t like holidays… on the contrary I love busy days...

When this happens... free time just means sitting with loads of “time” to depress myself even more with negative thoughts… and… even if I try doing something I'm distracted and my thoughts are elsewhere…

Free time… when I have problems means that I sit in bed under covers… watching a movie with a big bag of chips… munching away to kill time!

The beauty of busy days is that they DO NOT give me time to think… I'd be caught up from one thing to another… from work, to meetings, to calls, to outings, to shopping, to driving… not a minute to think! - good for me!

I just don’t get any time to think about what’s bothering me… I don’t get the free time to sit and day dream about whatever it is…

I get home… and fall flat on bed and I'd asleep in seconds… rather than tossing and turning for hours … thinking and thinking… and I end up feeling even worst!

Empty days mean… I look at the clock and it’s 2:00 pm… next time I look it’s probably 2:02 pm… - not good!

Busy days mean… I look at the clock and it’s 2:00 pm… next time I look it’s 6:00 pm and before I know it’s already 11:00 pm and looking where my bed is... - perfect!

In busy days times passes faster…

I'm occupied…

I don’t have time to think…

Or to wait for things to happen…

Busy days are good… busy days are important and healthy…

I LOVE busy days... I NEED busy... I ENJOY busy days!

December....

To me December is a time of evaluation… every 1st of December I go like: “shit, it’s already December! Where the hell did this year go?!”

I know it’s the time of Christmas and New Year… so I won’t get too depressing! However…

I got to say 2010 was one hell of a fast year for me… I mean, we say this every single year but this year was just plain FAST…

True, I did change jobs, took major steps in completing my MAs… but that is practically just it! I’m not denying that these stuff are major, important and valuable… Oh… and started a blog, lol, BUT for some reason… I just feel I’m in the exact same place where I was in 2009, maybe even 2008 and for all I care 2007…

Since I was a kid, I had this certain dream for myself…

That I’d be outgoing, fun, famous, an author, a teacher, an artist, adventurous, travel all over the world, meet new people, meet interesting people, a radio presenter, a devoted partner, a standup comedian, a psychiatrist, study literature, an influential manager, a successful career driven person, a social butterfly… so many things…

Sometimes I feel I'm stuck where I am when I could be completely somewhere else and be someone else! It's frustrating :(

I just feel I’m having the same inner thoughts, the same conflicts, the same arguments with the same people, the same problems, same concerns, same feelings… the same everything… it’s sort of killing me… lol (see not depressing @ all)!

And guess what… every year I sort of make the same resolutions! LOL!

A good friend and my manager, Kevin (aka K.P.), told me: think of your life as just one week and your life expectancy is about 70 years old. You’re almost 25…

Given the week in Egypt starts on Sunday… I’m on Tuesday evening! All I got left is… Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday! Crap!

Okie… it’s not as depressing as it may sound… like I have 4 days left alive… but I just feel I better work on turning this illusion I had for my life into reality…

IN THE SAME TIME.... I love December for Christmas & New Year… it’s a festive happy season, full of gatherings, parties, food and gifts… BUT I hate that it reminds me of the fact that I am right where I was last December...