Our conscious decision to make ourselves miserable!

Do we sometimes enjoy making ourselves miserable? I often wonder if I sometimes voluntarily make an active decision to make myself miserable... For example you're trying to diet yet you decide to a chocolate; you're overloaded with work yet you chose to procrastinate or you know someone is a perfect mismatch for you yet you continue to over obsesses about them... The list can really go on.

However, what is common among all of these cases is the fact that you know the outcome of something cannot possibly be good, yet you become this weak, pathetic person with no will what-so-ever and you give in and do something stupid.

But then - I come back and say; this is human nature. We are born with weaknesses; it doesn't make us pathetic.

So I give myself a pat on the back - tell myself I'm okay, it is not the end of the world and I pull through. I think the right words are, I convince myself that it is okay to continue being stupid. I hate to admit it, but I think the best word for it is denial - in return of course to momentary and temporary happiness.

But that is not what really drives me crazy!

What I find insane is the fact that it hurts when you realize you got to pull the plug and step back into reality. That you cannot live in denial anymore. For some reason, despite the fact that you have always knew the outcome was not going to be good, coming in terms with it and accepting it still take you by surprise. And hurts you like you didn't see it coming.

When you realize that this was the last time! That the next time you run into this person things will not be the same again. That the spark of hope you once fooled yourself with will no longer exist.

And I ask myself... why the hell did I put myself through this? Why did I allow myself to let "me" down! 

And the truth is - I have no idea! And that pisses me off even more! 

The Opposite Of What I Say…

There is this quote that I’ve come across over the past while and I honestly don’t know who said or came up with it, but it became known across Facebook and it got me thinking; so here is how it goes...

"There's always a little truth behind every 'just KIDDING', a little knowledge behind every 'I don't KNOW', a little emotion behind every 'I don't CARE', and a little pain behind every 'it’s OK'."

I loved that quote the minute I saw it; for a while I thought I like it ‘cause it sounds real and cute… but then I was like damn!

Actually everything I say when I’m down, upset, hurt or exposed I usually mean the exact opposite…

So...

When I say… It’s no big deal; it actually is a huge deal for me…

When I say… I’m okay; I’m actually saying I’m really not okay…

When I say… who cares, I care a lot and wish people cared as well…

When I say… I never wanna speak to you again; I actually mean that I’d never wanna stop speaking to you…

When I say… I don’t wanna talk about it, I mean that I really wanna talk about it…

When I say… never mind, I do mind… A lot…

When I say… leave me alone, I actually want you there…

When I say… forget about it… it’s actually all I think about…

Sometimes I even say… “lol,” when I’m actually hurt and think there is nothing to possibly laugh at…

And the list can go on forever… I guess you got the picture!

So why do I say the opposite of what I think and feel? I really really really dunno! It could be ‘cause I don’t wanna make it seem like I care too much, or ‘cause I wanna sound like I’m strong and things don’t get to me…

And I realized I do end up giving the image that I’m MACHO, when I’m really not even close to it! People assume I’m a lot tougher than I really am, they think things don’t get to me, they think it’s hard for me to be upset… they think I’ve got stone cold heart… when as a matter of fact, lol, I’m the most emotional and sensitive person I ever came across… and I think that’s exactly what I’m trying to hide!

I think it even pushes people I care about away, ‘cause when I’m upset in general or from them, I ask them to leave me completely alone… what they don’t know is that I never want them gone!

So I’m basically confusing myself and others, if that makes any sense!

So, I don’t know if I got to work on changing that. Maybe I need to work on better expressing what I really wanna say and how I really feel! Or maybe there are people who would understand me better and would understand how I feel and what I’m trying to say when I say those things!

I honestly dunno… all I know is that how I feel turned out to be exactly the opposite of what I say!

May be you guys should tell me if any of you are like that as well... would make me feel better if I'm not the only one who feels something and says another!