Our conscious decision to make ourselves miserable!

Do we sometimes enjoy making ourselves miserable? I often wonder if I sometimes voluntarily make an active decision to make myself miserable... For example you're trying to diet yet you decide to a chocolate; you're overloaded with work yet you chose to procrastinate or you know someone is a perfect mismatch for you yet you continue to over obsesses about them... The list can really go on.

However, what is common among all of these cases is the fact that you know the outcome of something cannot possibly be good, yet you become this weak, pathetic person with no will what-so-ever and you give in and do something stupid.

But then - I come back and say; this is human nature. We are born with weaknesses; it doesn't make us pathetic.

So I give myself a pat on the back - tell myself I'm okay, it is not the end of the world and I pull through. I think the right words are, I convince myself that it is okay to continue being stupid. I hate to admit it, but I think the best word for it is denial - in return of course to momentary and temporary happiness.

But that is not what really drives me crazy!

What I find insane is the fact that it hurts when you realize you got to pull the plug and step back into reality. That you cannot live in denial anymore. For some reason, despite the fact that you have always knew the outcome was not going to be good, coming in terms with it and accepting it still take you by surprise. And hurts you like you didn't see it coming.

When you realize that this was the last time! That the next time you run into this person things will not be the same again. That the spark of hope you once fooled yourself with will no longer exist.

And I ask myself... why the hell did I put myself through this? Why did I allow myself to let "me" down! 

And the truth is - I have no idea! And that pisses me off even more! 

Perfect Illusion

We often create this vision for our life... and most of the time its perfect! You imagine that if you plan it right and work for it, there is no reason why life wouldn't turn this vision into reality.

You study hard, you land the best job.
You land the best job, you make good money.
You make good money, you have a great life.
You have a great life, you meet awesome people.
Your meet awesome people, you end up with a good partner.
Your end with a good partner, you have brilliant kids.

But as you move along, you realize that the life you envisioned for yourself is probably an illusion. And illusions are the only place where this vision is perfect. But snap out of it and come to reality you realize that life isn't all pinkish!

You might be with the person you love but that doesn't mean you don't have days when you can't stand their voice! You might be progressing with you're career but that doesn't mean you're satisfied. You might even be happy with your job but that doesn't mean there isn't this one person who just kills your mood at the office. You might be good, decent person but that doesn't mean you're appreciated! You might be sexy but that might not mean you're loved! You might be a good friend, but the doesn't mean the friendship will last.

There is always a "BUT" to the happy story... and in all fairness, this is life. It can't all be cheerful and happy. It can't always be perfect... in fact we know the minute we start to grow up, that perfect doesn't exist!

It's probably not as dramatic, life isn't that bad! However... sometimes you wonder, when does it go right? Or does it ever go right? When do I just relax and enjoy the moment... When do I smile without the back of my head reminding me of some problem of some sort! And especially as we grow older, the stress of realizing that the time of turning this illusion into reality is decreasing is what frustrates you even more. Or perhaps its not too late because you can always change your life, but rather you've expected certain years of your life, your youth, to go differently.

And maybe this is why it is called an illusion.

"BUT" that doesn't mean that we stop closing our eyes a few minutes before we sleep and dive into the utopia we dream of. In fact it's the hope that this illusion may one day become a reality is what keeps us going! The fact that "BUT..." can sometimes be used in a positive light is what makes this illusion even more beautiful. 

LOVE.... Is Everywhere!

Once we hear the word "love," we mostly probably get mushy, gushy feelings. We envision flowers and hear humming. We're tempted to say "awwww!" We see a couple hand in hand at the beach...

And despite the fact that this scenery is mind blowing-ly nice and a dream come true to most of us, I got to say that it is degrading to "love."

Love is a lot more than a guy a girl... love is not just romance, love songs and roses. We've become manipulated by the books we read and the movies we see that feed into our brains that if you don't have a significant other you are not loved.

I often fall into this trap.

However, gladly, I've recently learned that there is a lot more to love... I've opened my eyes and heart to feel love... love that we are granted by so many people yet we chose to look at the half empty glass of water because no boy is down on one knee claiming his love to you.

Feeling the love and appreciation of people around you is a blessing. A blessing you don't realize, one that you take for granted until it really shines under your eyes... Love that is strong enough to replace the void you thought you had in your heart. Love is best when you realize you are loved... when you realize that the people you live with and see everyday care... that they value and appreciate you. That although they don't bring you roses everyday, deep within you mean something to them. It is best when it comes when you least expect it, from those we think they can't show affection.

Love is the little gestures that people around you make to show affection. Going to church just to pray for you! Calling you to wish you luck on a important day for you! Buying you breakfast! Making time for you! Smiling at you! Popping their head everyday in the morning to say good morning! Calling you just to say hello! Giving you a random hug! Teaching you something! Investing in you! Making sure you know that you will be missed! Writing you a note! Tagging you in a childhood picture! Letting you know you're important!

Love isn't just about the prince or princess you're waiting for. It's not about a romantic movie, a love letter or a late night romantic SMS.  Love is a lot more bigger than that... a lot more stronger... a lot more respectable. Love is in eye of each one who cares about you. Everyone who appreciates you. Everyone who is willing to make time for you. Everyone praying for you. Everyone wishing you well. It your parents, your siblings, your kids, your neighbours, your friends, your colleagues, your clients, the seller at your everyday supermarket and coffee place you go to...

Love is everywhere...
We are all loved some way.... we just need to open our eyes and heart to see it!

Love you all :)

The Heart...

So I'm just wondering these completely random thoughts about the human heart... and I'm actually talking about the real organ...

I don't know but we sometimes get these completely random and weird thoughts and I don't know if I'm the only one who gives these issues thoughts; but I guess we'll see... so here is how it goes...

Do you ever wonder if the actual heart organ is what makes us fall in and out of love... or is that metaphorical?

If the heart is in charge of all the mixed emotions, do you wonder what if we do a surgery? Would we be able to make someone fall for love with us? Or stop ourselves from loving someone?

If you get a transplant do you stop loving the people you already love? If someone else got your heart do they love the people you loved? If you get a new heart do you end up loving the people from whom this heart belonged?

If you get a brainwash or memory loss would you still be in love with the same people? If you don't would that mean your brain has a role in who we love?

Well... just wondering...

Reasons We Girls Smile...

There are so many reasons why we girls smile... Sometimes they're honest smiles and sometimes they're not... most probably every smile we've got has it's own meaning... a meaning we only know deep down because it reveals our true intentions...

We might smile because we really like someone or what's going on, or we might smile because we want to pretend like we like what's going on.

There is a smile that carries a lot of innocence with every thing this word could mean... and there is a smile that could carry seduction and an evil plan....

We might smile because we honestly carry good feelings for the moment or we could smile to hide loads of hatred and disappointment...

We might smile because we've just seen you, herd your voice or have you near...

We might smile because we're really out of words, nothing in the world would say how we feel or we could just have nothing to say and we're trying to avoid conversation. We might smile because we're completely indulged in whatever it is you're saying or we're just trying to seem interested...

Our smile could really mean we're truly happy and dancing deep inside or we could be smiling in order to hide utter and complete sadness and heart break...

We might smile because you're funny, or because we want you to think you're funny. Because we get what you mean or because we actually want to get you!

There is a smile that shows excitement, support and pleasure and there is one that hides anxiety, panic and fear...

We might smile because we love you or we might smile to make you think we love you. We might also smile in hopes that you would love us back. We might smile because we have you in our life, we might smile just thinking about you and we might smile because you just walked away.

We might smile as a replacement to saying we love you, we miss you, to thank you or to let you know we're happy you're there...

Sometimes we smile because you've taken us by great surprise...  or to hide the fact that we were expecting more..

We could smile at an inside joke we share or at the fact that we share nothing...

Sometimes we smile because we know it makes us look good...

Our smile could be naive and could mean that we fell for your game or it could mean that we're smiling because we know exactly what's going on and that we're being played.

We might smile because we've gone shopping and even more we smile because you're the one who paid...

We might smile because we know it makes you feel good and secure that things are okay...

Girls smile for so many different reasons... some are good and honest, coming deep from the heart and some are deceiving. Most of the time they're true smiles... Point is a girl's smile is always a charm... it's your call to know what that smile carries deep down because most probably... we'd never tell :)

26 Things I Have AND Have Not Done Before Turning 26!

Well, I'm turning 26 today... I'm less depressed than I was when I turning 25. Anyways, I thought why not do a random checklist of the stuff I have and have not done before turning 26!

HAVE DONE - proudly or sadly, but mostly proudly!

1. Lived in two countries; Saudi Arabia and Egypt
2. Had friends from across the globe
3. Acted, directed and wrote plays
4. Finished my BA and MA
5. Gave a speech on behalf of my graduation class
6. Been angry to the extent that I smash something across a wall
7. Para sailed
8. Laughed till I cried
9. Got addicted (literally) to a show: Grey's Anatomy
10. Was titled funniest and most talented girl in high school
11. Drove while sleeping 
12. Obsessed over / fell for someone I never met!
13. Had three different jobs
14. Been broke, completely
15. Been mugged! 
16. Been in a major accident, and lived :) gladly
17. Done stupid and REALLY (okay really) foolish things for love! 
18. Fell for the wrong guys... OVER and OVER again! 
19. Read the same book at least 200 times
20. Made great friends and lost people who were supposed to be great friends! 
21. Fell in love with sushi suddenly
22. Read a novel over night
23. Sang and danced while driving 
24. Created imaginary stories in my head and lived with them for a while
25. Hated someone then became their very good friend
26. Started a blog

HAVE NOT DONE ~ and should have done!

1. Read the Bible entirely 
2. Had a surprise birthday party, I always figure out before they happen 
3. Done something completely insane and crazy 
4. Ditched classes 
5. Gone shopping with nothing but a fully loaded credit card 
6. Got an F in a course 
7. Learned German and French 
8. Watched Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings!
9. Been in a relationship 
10. Been on a date
11. Been to the movies alone
12. Gone clubbing or been drunk 
13. Partied late 
14. Tried any type of drug 
15. Reached my ideal weight 
16. Traveled around the world 
17. Seen snow 
18. Danced in the rain 
19. Gone swimming with my clothes on (don't ask me why it seems appealing) 
20. Caught the bouquet in a wedding 
21. Lied about where I'm spending the night 
22. Published a book 
23. Been good in a sport 
24. Learned drumming 
25. Saved money 
26. Drove faster than 120 Km/Hour

Crazy, Stupid Love!

Well, for starters, I hated the movie, but loved its name!

It's sooo true, this thing called "crazy, stupid love" does exist!

It's not impossible to love someone who is a total mismatch bound to make every day of life a living disasters. It's actually stupid but it happens.

It is a kind of love that would make you do things you never thought you'd do. Things you didn't know you have in you. Things that come to you as a surprise. These things are good, bad and ridiculous! You never thought you'd be willing to make a first move... but you did! You never thought you'd keep getting pushed away and you'd still come back... but you did! You never thought you can drive the one person you love away for whatever reason it is... but you did! You never knew that all your good intentions would be misunderstood... but it happened! And you definitely never thought you had it in you to try and hate them and hurt them... but eventually... you did that too!

It's the kind of  love you desperately need and in the same time you pray for it to end!

It's the kind of that is your dream come true but in the same time you know it would make you miserable!

It's the kind of love that keep you praying all night... and crying all night as well!

This kind of... really does make you stupid and does make you crazy!

But I guess this is love.. this insane element to it, is what actually makes it love!

FACE Your Relationship Issues!

So by now we are all sure I'm not quite the pro on relationships, however I'm good at observing... and listening to surrounding stories! Hence, I came up with the conclusion that relationships have becomes digitally influenced. What happens via social media and particularly Facebook really takes its toll on our relationships and emotions... Usually causing problems! 

We sit and analyze what people do digitally and make all these random assumptions and most probably they screw up our minds BIG time! And I gotta say, I know this happens with girls... boys I'm not so sure, but I'm guessing it happens or they know how to use it well against us very well knowing how we think!

For instance, here are some situations I've seen, heard or been through...

• OMG he is no longer single, does this mean he's dating?
• OMG I can't click on his picture anymore; did he put me on limited profile!
• His status on Facebook says "thinking" does this mean he's considering what I said!
• His status says "fed up," I think he gave up on me! 
• He wrote relieved, it means he's glad it's over!
• I can't believe we just finished arguing and he posted a Mafia Wars or Texas HoldEm Poker update! He really doesn't care! He's been playing while we argued! 
• Who's the girl who has been clicking Like on everything he says!?
• He just wrote he's happy, it means he's with someone else! 
• I checked his quotes, he's become so deep; you think he's changed, I think I stand a chance with him... 
• Since when is he into CityVille and FarmVille, he must be too bored without me! Or maybe that other girl is making him soften up! 
• He has a new friend on Facebook, I wonder who she is! How did they meet!
• OMG, I just realized he's been on Twitter, his tweets show on FB... he never told me he created an account or followed me! He must be hiding or something! Or he doesn't want to be my "friend" anymore
• His status is "worried" should I call and check up on him. 
• His Facebook relationship status is "it's complicated" maybe he's breaking up with his girlfriend and I should call him and be there for him! 
• He just posted a link to Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here," I think he misses me...
• He just commented on his friends pic, it means he's online, why isn't he answering me..
• You're mad at him you "un-friend" him on Facebook, you're back talking you "add him again" 
• You wanna bug him after a fight you change your status to "single"
• Others posts pics so you figure out he's gone out and not told you, or gone out with "girls" you don't like... 

Even more, the FIRST thing we do if engaged or married is update our relationship status for the world to know!

It's really endLESS... The non-stop scenarios we create to try and figure out what's going in with the other person makes us use Facebook to: spy on the guy if we're together, know his updates if we're broken up; see if he hooked up with someone when we're playing hard to get; criticize the guy if we hate him; know anything about him when we miss him; find reasons to hate him when we want OR find reasons to get back in touch with him when we need it... AS IF Every single thing he posts is an indirect message to us! 

True, what ever we guess could be true! But it could be that Facebook settings have changed and you just can't click on his picture; or he is thinking about a new job post; or he's fed up with traffic; he's happy 'cause he had a nice night out with friends; or the new girl he added is someone from work; or his quotes have always been there and you haven't seen them; or he's just bored and found a new interest in Facebook games; or he JUST felt like listening to Pink Floyd!

There is just a million different explanation!

I donno about you guys, but when it comes to relationships so far Facebook just messes things up! And when girls get together and talk... seriously, Facebook plays a major role in their relationships, love life and particularly fights!

The same happens with BBM's and Wats App statuses... we've really come to use technology in ways that frustrate us. Rather than making our life easier for us, they make them worst! It's already enough technology is messing up our face to face and direct relationships, we don't need to make it worst by playing guessing games that bring the worst out of us. 

Well the saying has been going around and I think it's really true... we need to FACE our problems rather than FACEBOOK them! Or at least we shouldn't use FACEBOOK to complicate things for our selves and mess up our brains with random ideas! It would really be easier to get up and make a clear cut effort in trying to find out about the lives of the people who matter to us 'cause clearly, all these nonsense we do, simply mean we still care!  It makes sense to me rather than just guessing stuff and crying about things we're not sure they even exist!

~ before you shoot me, I KNOW, sometimes all we've got is guessing, but it's just hectic! 

The Bright Side...

We often get gloomy and depressed, we often decide that the world is such a dark and twisted place! Okie, let me rephrase! I often think the work is dark and twisted! I loose sight of all the good stuff that could have happened in my life... and the good stuff that continue to happen every single day.

Anyhow... sometimes I get those moments when I start cursing my entire life from the moment it started... I don't see except all the bad stuff! It seriously drains me!

But then a little thing happens and it reminds me with all the great stuff in my life.

SO what's the little thing that happened!? Well my brother posted the below picture to my Facebook wall... and it really got me to remember my life as a little kid! I used to do this! My childhood was awesome! My childhood is just one of the pretty amazing things in my life!

Let me just list a few of the things that we stop noticing after a while because they have become inevitable:

My great family...
That my mom still hugs me every morning when I wake up...
My good health...
My amazing childhood memories...
The fact that I have all my needs...
The fact that I can get most of my wants...
My education...
My friends...
That most nights I get a good night's sleep...
That in the end of the day, there are no massive problems to worry me or keep me up all night...
Actually, the fact that I've got a cozy bed at home waiting for me every night... 
That I can still smile...
That regardless of what I say and how much I whine, I do have people who care about me...
That I've got a brother who'd remember me when he sees a picture like this.. would send it to me 'cause he know it would make my day...

Point is those things have become part of our routines so we don't realize their importance. We don't realize that those little things are what keep us going. That if they're gone we'd realize the impact they have on our lives.

If every time we get gloomy, enter into the dark and twisted depressed mood... IF we take the moment to remember at least 1 of those little things that make us happy, or at least make us smile... trust me, things would be bright again!

Mom To The Rescue!

Yay! I've a super mommy :) As kiddish as it sounds, my mom isn't just my super hero, she's an amazing person. Yesterday, my mom rescued a little kid, or rather a baby, at the mall. Just, how awesome is that! 

So we were at the mall, me, mom and my sister, we were walking out of a a shop when I spotted a young mother freaking out and screaming for help. Her baby was choking. She froze, thoughtless, not doing a thing!

I asked my mom if she could help her. My mom, didn't think twice, she ran off to help her and asked what's wrong. The kid, who was less than a year old probably, was eating a biscuit and choked on it. He was starting to turn blue!

His mom was really freaking out. She started crying and wasn't really doing much to help! She was just standing there in disbelief... motionless!

I don't know what mom did, but apparently all her parenting skills and experiences kicked in in the right moment. She knew how to carry the baby. She tapped him on the back, and she managed  to let him spit out the biscuit. And it was a big chunk. He was pinking again, regaining color and breathe!

Once the baby spat it out, my mom hugged him tightly, showered him with kisses, telling him it was okay. And for a baby who doesn't know mom at all, I gotta say he felt safe and clutched on to her!

Even more mom managed to make his mother calm down. She assured her that he's okay and will be okay. She told her not to worry... She even continued to hold the baby tightly until his mom gained composure....

And everyone at at the mall was looking at my mommy like she's a hero! The baby's mom thanked her over a million time. His dad showed up a few moments and thanked mom even more! It was amazing... a lot of people were passing by, no one really cared to stop and help her... but my mom did! And it was great! She was there at the right time and right place.

It was actually a pretty emotional moment....

Seeing mom do this with a strange kid got me thinking... I must have have been really lucky as a little kid! She honestly showered him with care, love and attention. So being her kid, I can't even assume what she must have been like! Actually, I can.... 'cause my mom still showers me with love, care and attention all the time.

One day, I hope to be like her... actually, I can't wait to have my own kids and be like her :)
My mom is a Super Mommy! 

The GOOD People We Meet in Life...

Life is pretty random, ironic, frustrating and unfair!

I keep searching for positive stuff to write and I can't help but fall into the negativity trap! It just runs to me with arms wide open!

I even tried stepping away from my self and finding positive stuff to write... stuff I see in other people and my surroundings and I still spot on negativity... 

I have to admit that even when I rarely find something positive to write about, it's short and stupid and inexpressive... I fail to be positive and to express positivity... Perhaps I have not yet run into something that is positive enough to move me and get me writing passionately...

ANYWAY...
I've recently noticed some great people in life... (don't get your hopes up, this isn't positive, not even close) like good people... amazing people who are simply just GOOD inside out... 

YET...
Strangely enough... I've also noticed that these GOOD, awesome people don't seem to be getting what they deserve... These people need tons of love, care, passion, consideration, appreciation, warmth, and thankfulness for their mere presence in life. At least for the fact that they wish you good morning with a smile...

I don't know what's up with life being unfair! It's beyond me to understand why some jerks are surrounded by lots of loving people who are willing to give them everything and anything... and the real actual GOOD nice people are surrounded by others who don't value them or deserve them!

It's beyond me to understand why these nice people get a life of unhappiness... worry... and lack of emotional support. Why their expectations are never met! Why they keep getting let down once, twice, trice and forever... Why they're surrounded by jerks who just mistreat them and cause them pain and disappointment. Why aren't they appreciated and valued. Why does BAD LUCK just keep chasing them day in and day out! Why they get pushed around and treated like invisibles!

It's beyond me to understand why these GOOD people are the ones who end up heartbroken, who go to sleep at night crying or worrying about tomorrow, why they end up with husbands and wives who doesn't deserve them, kids who don't value them and friends who forget them... Why are they the ones who end up neglected and ignored!

It's beyond me to understand why some people choose to be rude and hurt someone who has been nothing but super nice to them!

It's beyond me to understand why some people emotionally SCREW up other who have always been there for them and are keen to never making them feel bad.

The list can really go on forever... 


Why can't life give them a damn break and give them a reason to keep going; to continue being good... make them feel that they weren't fools all along for being this GOOD, decent, nice, caring.... (this list can also go on forever)!

It honestly pisses me off! They just deserve so much more! I can't find the words to explain what they deserve... BUT for a fact they deserve a lot more from everyone around them! These people aren't good, they're GOLD! They deserve to be treated like they're kings and queens! They deserve to be surrounded by people who love them and are willing and capable of giving back to them, even when they don't ask for it!

Why can't life just do some freakin' mixing and matching for a change. Give the jerks to the jerks and the nice ones to the nice ones.

Life is unfair... it's a fact I learnt to be true with every single passing day. A fact that I've come to accept. I've also come to accept that thinking otherwise is naive and stupid. 

I have met GOOD people in my life... and if life and others choose to be jerks to them... I can at least try to be nice to them back until life does it's magic and treats them well one day... or so I hope! I also choose to believe that one day goodness will be paid off by life! AT LEAST, it's a reason to keep going!

SIGH!

Busy Making Me Happy!

So... a few posts ago I took the decision that I'd be optimistic and that I won't let anything get to me and so far I'm impressing myself!

A few hinges here and there... but given I've been in horrible bad mood for a very a long time I have to say I'm doing pretty well! 

So let me tell you my theory... well it's not a theory as much as it is a realization! And pretty much a realization that I was being stupid! So anyhow... I've come in terms with the fact that no one gets everything they want... each one has a set of things that determine their level of happiness and satisfaction with life! For instance there is family, friends, relationships, school, work, your home, your car, your hobbies, your leisure time, the amount of stress you have, the amount of problems you have... bla bla bla! So I simply decided that if at any given point in time  I have four things in my life that are going well... I'm gonna be a happy person! In other words I've decided I'll be looking at the full half of the cup and completely ignoring the half empty!

I've realized that people with much bigger problems... and those who have gone through much more dramatic experiences manage be happy and cheerful.. hence.. why can't I be!? I realized I'm really making little things seem bigger than they are. I'm giving unworthy things and people more attention than they need or ever will need! 


Additionally I discovered some very simple techniques on how to be happier! I'm serious, not being philosophical... but seriously try them... convince yourself with them!

• We're often tempted to complain... every time you start complaining STOP yourself...
• Every time you come to post a negative status... find something positive to write or write something that doesn't make sense...
• If a sad song starts playing... don't hear it! Listen to happy gilly stupid childhood song...
• We pretty much know the people who pisses us off.. IGNORE THEM!
• If a friend calls you to say let's go out and you're lazy... get up, dress up and go!
• Dress up everyday like you're going to a party! Look your best... for you...
• Whatever makes you happy do it! If its not going to work... don't! If it's eating ice cream... eat it! If it's shopping... shop! If it's being a nerd... so be it! Who cares about money, dieting or whatever.... do what makes you happy on the spot!
• When you're inner voice discourages you.... tell him to go screw himself! Don't let the inner negative thoughts bug you...
• Don't set limitations to yourself... be freakin confident at all times!
• Tell yourself... someone, somewhere is sitting beating himself/herself cause they let you go!
• Tell yourself... you're someone's dream!
• No matter how you look or feel... walk around like your the hottest best thing in town!
• Don't force yourself to be nice to someone you don't wanna be nice too! No one does the same anyways... 
• Make a fool outta yourself and laugh about it! Don't give others a chance to hold it against you...
• The past is the past... we really can't do anything about it!
• If you said sorry once.. twice.. and even three times! If other person doesn't wanna let go... really! Screw him or her! You've done all there is to do!
• Don't beat yourself up for things you can't control or change! Whatever... make the best of what you can change and what you got!
• It's never the end of the world till you die... so as long as you're alive.. there is tomorrow and there is time for things to get better!
• Always believe that the best is yet to come!
• Never tell yourself that your dream are too big to come true!
• If things are meant to happen... they will happen. Stop thinking about it! 
• Creating scenarios in your head just gives you a headache... wait and see what will happen! Take it as it comes... 
• Push yourself forward... never backward!
• Brag about how good you are... never about how bad you are! Every one is messed up, don't be stupid to highlight it to people!
• Finally... in arabic: SEBEHA 3ALA ALLAH! Leave it to God... He'll do what's best for you... seriously why are we worrying about it! He has a definite bigger vision for you...

I gotta tell you after my decision to just let go... keep smiling... and to be positive... which I took on July 17th... no very long ago.. things have started to get better! Believe me they did on every level; work, personal, family, friends, stress... just everything! TRUST me when you're bummed out and in bad mood... even if things are good you see them bad! So taking it positively... makes you see things positive... makes positive things happen to you!

Currently I'm busy making me happy.... you should do the same... it's worth it!

:D

Lyrics I Love...

Can we pretend that airplanes, In the night sky, Are like shooting star, I could really use a wish right now" "When I see your face. There's not a thing that I would change. Just the way you are. And when you smile. The whole world stops and stares for a while. 'Cause girl you're amazing.The way you are." "I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you. I have been waiting all my life." "I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard. And got so far. But in the end. It doesn't even matter." "When we collide we come together. If we don't we'll always be apart. I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it. When you hit me hit me hard." "Im not afraid of anything in this world. There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard." "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be coming home again." "Let me be the one you call. If you jump I'll break your fall. Lift you up and fly away with you into the nigh. If you need to fall apart. I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn. You're not alone" "When you're broken in a million little pieces. And you're trying but you can't hold on  anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in yourself. When you're broken." "Butterfly well you landed on my mind. Damn right you landed on my ear and then you crawled inside. And now I see you perfectly behind closed eyes. I want to fly with you and I don't want to lie to you." "Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven." "Things aren’t the way they were before. You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore.  Not that you knew me back then. But it all comes back to me in the end." "I’m no beauty queen. I’m just beautiful me." "I had a dream my life would be. So different from the hell I'm living. So different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed." "I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy, I'll be your hope I'll be your love, Be everything that you need, I'll love you more with every breath,Truly, madly, deeply do, I will be strong I will be faithful, 'cause I'm counting on, A new beginning, A reason for living

A deeper meaning," "And if the night runs over. And if the day wont last. And if our way should falter. Along the stony pass. Its just a moment. This time will pass." "Hitting walls and getting scars . Only makes you who you are. Only makes you who you are. No matter how much your heart is aching. There is beauty in the breaking.""I could use a dream or a genie or a wish. To go back to a place much simpler than this" "And I know some day that it’ll all turn out. You'll make me work so we can work to work it out" "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love. Like I'm the only one who knows your heart." Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in. No one else, no one else. Can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten." "I've put my trust in you. Pushed as far as I can go. For all this there’s only one thing you should know:I tried so hard, And got so far, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter, I had to fall, To lose it all, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter." "I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time" "Oh I know that the music's fine. Like sparklin' wine, go and have your fun. Laugh and sing, but while we're apart. Don't give your heart to anyone. But don't forget who's takin' you home. And in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin' save the last dance for me." "I love you like a fat kid loves cake." "Have you ever loved and lost somebody. Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry." "There comes a time where you fade to the blackness. And when you're staring at that phone in your lap. And you hoping but them people never call you back."  "What am I suppose to do, When the best part of me was always you and, What am I suppose to say, When I'm all choked up and you're okay." "Someday love will find you. Break those chains that bind you. One night will remind you. How we touched and went our separate ways." "Better days are gonna find you once again. Every piece will find its place."

The VOICE...

I love being spontaneous! I do... I wish I can be that kindda person all the time! You know... the type of person who gets a thought and acts upon it... without hesitation... whatever the outcome is... or would be!

It's not being crazy or immature... it's just breaking out of the hectic routine and a mental process that kills the fun of life! Calculating risks and outcomes and regret!

I like being spontaneous... HOWEVER, every single time I try to be I get this VOICE... the inner voice... and man as much as I love it 'cause saves my ass sometimes... I seriously hate that it kills my ability to react on trigger!

Sometimes I wanna say something, make a move, break rules, let go of limitations... but this VOICE jumps in every single time with a list of inner thoughts that ruin it for me...

Are you sure you wanna do that?

Are you sure you won't regret it later?

But you hate regret?

What about how you look?

What would people think?

And these are the simple generic questions! Sometimes the VOICE gets pretty tough on me!

You know what... the VOICE is important... the VOICE "mostly" kicks in in the right time... stops me from doing stupid and ridiculous stuff... but sometimes I wish the VOICE would give me a break! It's restricting and limiting... It makes me doubt my gut feeling, and that pisses me off! And my main problem with it is that it's very very very influential and manages to change my mind almost every time...

And even more... the battle between my normal voice (completely driven by emotions) and my inner VOICE can be hectic sometimes... particularly when it goes on and on and on and on for days or weeks or even longer... and trust me it's a strong battle!

The type of battles that make you stay up all night... and daydream all day! The kind that make you fidgety and gloomy and frustrated and mentally occupied.

So currently I'm stuck between two strong emotions... one that loves the VOICE for kicking in sanity in me at the right time... and one that hates it for the very same reason!

Stupid Moment Glorified...

So earlier I wrote about the general moments of stupidity but I gotta say currently I'm experiencing a severe and intense one of them...

I also wrote the following part in one of earliest posts called Letting Go:

"So, I'm hoping this blog here helps me out... 'cause I like to write... so instead of getting in touch with whoever that person is and saying what ever I need to say... I'll come here and write it, get it out of my system... get it off my chest... until I one day I just really let go..."

So here I am, venting my stupid moment on my blog rather than doing something stupid I would regret!

So.. my stupid moment is that moment when you miss someone you shouldn't be missing! I've this urging and itching feeling to get in touch with someone and I know it's getting me no where!

I've written the sms and deleted it, I've written the FB message and deleted it, I've prepared an e-mail (and that's still my drafts, hope I do delete it soon)... I've started dialing and stopped myself... I've rehearsed a call then changed my mind!

But I do have words that I have to say and I need to get them out out of my system so I'm writing this... because as a human I just need to vent sometimes! I need to talk about my feelings... because keeping them to myself more and more and more is just plain hectic! I'm tired of it! Because if don't get it out, I'll crack! Really soon!

As much as I wanna take action, say I miss you, see how things go... as much as I know it's stupid... as much I know it's pointless as much as I know it's heading no where, as much as I know it means more regret and feeling like a fool later...

As much as I wanna call it hope, second chances, trying to be better, sacrifice, compromise... on the other side there is another voice in me screaming: pride, you've tried enough, it's pointless, you'll get hurt AGAIN... and you're just being plain stupid!

As much as I want to believe that whatever words I have to say could have the ability to change things around, I know this dream or hope is driven merely by an intense wave of emotions and isn't true!

And as much I want to believe that if things do change around I will be happy... as much as I want to believe that something good can happen... a big part of me is uncertain, reminding me of how many times I've already tried and how many times I've already been hurt!

Part me of is slapping my in the face saying: Seriously! Haven't you had enough!? Where the hell is your sense of pride!? What on earth makes you think things will change? Didn't you say you won't be putting yourself in this damn position again!? Didn't you say it's that person's turn to make a move! Didn't you say even if that person makes a move you're plainly saying NO!

But the other side of me is answering simply: I can't help it! I'm willing to sacrifice if there is hope!

BUT reality, practicality and experience say: that's just stupid!

So i'm feeling stupid right now. I'm really trying hard to practice my ability to let go, my ability to stop myself and fight temptation of stupid emotions, I'm really trying to tell myself no!

But bigger than all those feelings I'm missing someone and neither can I do anything to bring me closer to that person nor can I stop this overwhelming and tiring feeling! And that just sucks!

And knowing that it's pointless and still being in denial and thinking about it... makes even stupider! Uff! Gosh!

I hate where I am now! This helpless and weak will is just a killer! And i hate it!

-sigh!

This is one post I'm not publicizing... this is one post I'm not sharing on Facebook and Twitter, maybe 'cause I hate how I'm feeling, maybe I'm embarrassed, maybe 'cause I hate being this weak and exposed and maybe 'cause I don't want everyone I know to see how stupid I am. I'm writing this because I just NEED to vent and let it out! So if you come across this post, as much as I want you to tell me to have hope and go for it, to trust my gut feeling, to get in touch to tell the person "I miss you", I would rather have you talk me out of it! Please!

The Beautiful ME and YOU...

Regardless of how we feel sometimes... we get our low esteem moments... our falls... our high peeks of self criticism... and the fact that we sometimes hate no one BUT ourselves... the FACT and the truth is... both me and you have a beautiful and amazingly kick ass side to us!

What kindda annoys me though... is that sometimes we try hard to hide the beautiful side to us because worried we'd seem corny... we like to appear as the strong, careless, arrogant, self centered JERKS we think we are...

Fact is... deep down I know I'm beautiful inside... and I know YOU are beautiful inside...

Sometimes I'd be sitting with a highly qualified "jerk" and outta the blue that person forgets that he or she has to give this uptight and annoying attitude and BINGO I see their beautiful side...

This beautiful ME and YOU moment could be: a simple smile, a statement about how much we love our moms, giving a homeless child something to eat, calling our little brother or sister because we're worried they're late, keeping a picture of our ex in our wallet, helping an old lady cross the street, bragging about how much we'd love to turn out like our dads, humming a cute romantic song, getting caught daydreaming and smiling, admitting that we sometimes cry, admitting that we actually forgave the person who hurt us the most, admitting that if we could actually tell that person that we did forgive them we would, that we still keep our teddy bear from childhood, that we still check our ex's Facebook page everyday, that we cry in movies, that flowers make our day, that we're suckers for chocolate, that our best friend is our dream man/woman, that our mom's food is the best thing we've ever tasted...

The list can go on forever...

The beautiful me and you moment, is a moment we don't plan for, a moment when we're lost in time... HOWEVER it can change how we see each other... It allows you to know something about me that you didn't know don't know... it allows me to see you from a different perspective... It is something that makes us both smile!

So... should we still care we look corny?!? I say NO! Let the beautiful me and you shine! Let it grow... Trust me being beautiful inside and letting it show is a lot better than being a jerk :)

The Focal Point Of Our Lives…

I don’t know if this is true for others, applicable across cultures or equally valid for guys… but why is it that I feel our entire life revolves around finding the right partner!

I’m not denying that I’d love to run into the right guy… ‘cause I’d love that!

But why is it taking too much out of our thoughts and feelings?!?

I have no answer for this question… I’m just wondering out loud… so if any of you have suggestions; don’t hesitate to fill me in! But I noticed that whenever we girls get together this issue takes up a lot of our mental space!

We live to visualize what life with that significant other would be like! We create dreams and wait for them to turn into reality...

But the fact that our life revolves around finding the significant others just makes everything else seem like it’s not enough… you don’t enjoy it… like something is always missing!

Maybe I’m wrong… but sometimes I feel I’ve achieved a lot in my life… not a lot as in worldwide, recognized achievements, but I haven’t done so bad and I’m still not satisfied and I still feel finding that significant other might be the element that will complete the picture…

And I wonder, when that significant other is found, when the life partner is there… will I get that feeling of completeness? Will it be worth the wait? Will it really be the beginning of my dream of a perfect life? Or will I have another focal point around which my life exits!

Or is the focal point of our lives… the lack of satisfaction of where we are at the moment and what we have!

Honestly, I really have no clue!

Time...

I've always tried to figure out whether time is my friend or my enemy!? However, it's not time itself... it's the changes that time brings upon us that has this questionable impact on us...

For me, the worst thing time brings changes upon are relationships... Well true, love relationships, but not just that... Even friendships... or any possible relationship that could exist...

Let's see...

I was born and raised in Saudi Arabia; lived there for 18 years. I was in an International School with friends from every single part of the globe; then left that all behind and came to Egypt. Then I lived in the dorms for a year, where people came from all over Egypt or expats studying in Egypt and again left that behind and settled in my home. Then there was university where I spent four years with amazing people, and then we graduated and each took their own road to the future (worked elsewhere, got married, busy with kids, masters, PhD...) and changed three jobs so far each with a different set of busy people...

And true the internet has proved to be a major help to us in keeping people in touch and communicating. However, it's not the same... time has changed the nature of our relationships... how we speak and what we say...

There are also those people who we stop speaking to or lose touch with... 'cause we've argued over something stupid and we both can't get our egos to just get over it OR 'cause things didn't work out... OR for whatever reason! But despite the fact that we can't speak to them today 'cause there has been too much damage, deep down you still value them in your hearts and wished things were different!

And my question is... how is that someone can be in your life day in and day out, morning, night and then BOOM... they're no longer there. How's that fair, that you get used to someone and then they're not there anymore.

How is it that something comes up... and that was the one person you'd turn to but they're not there anymore to talk to them about it either 'cause you just haven't spoken in too long, 'cause you've agreed to part ways or 'cause telling them the story via e-mail is just not the same...

How is it that one day that person was everything to you and you share them everything and they're almost with you every single minute of every day AND NOW you think twice or even ten times before you say hello...

How is it that a childhood friend has now turned into status update to you? And we call that keeping in touch... you see their graduation pics rather than be there...

How is it that someone you wished would stay long enough in your life, now you no longer know anything about?

How is it that they cross your mind... and all you can do is let them JUST cross your mind...

How is it that all you can do is worry about them from afar 'cause time has put you at distant ends!

How, How, How, How, How...

Why does time change things this way? Why can't things stay the same... stay stable! Keep the people we value the same, they don't change... we don't change. Keeping the ties, keeping the feelings the same, the distance close... Making the bonds stronger rather than weaker!

And again I say, maybe this change is for the better... so I really dunno, does this impact time has on us and our relationships with people... does that make time our friend our enemy...

In some situations, I can assure you time is an enemy... I mean, why do childhood friends end up on different parts of the globe?

The way I see it, today it could be our enemy... later in the future, when we have better vision and a better understanding we'd see it as our friend...

Umm... I have no idea actually... after writing about it... It's more like LIFE not TIME that's an issue... and as they say in the end of every story, C'est La Vie or This Is Life....

The point is to train yourself to get used to it and to accept the changes that life or time throw at you... to let go of whatever was left behind... and tell yourself every MINUTE of every DAY that time is also capable of bringing better things your way!

Complexity of Human Emotions...

Sometimes I really wish all people were equal to me... No one was more special than the other, no one was differentiated... No one was more loved or more hated....

And why is that... it's because of the complexity of human emotions... or perhaps it is just my complexity... I really dunno!

But some stuff do make me wonder...

Sometimes we argue with someone and we're completely okay with it; we speak after weeks or months (or we never do) and the whole thing doesn't even bother us... but come to argue the same exact argument with someone else and it's all you can think about and not speaking to them for several hours seems like the worst thing that has ever happened to you...

With other people, things just don't work out well for any random reason... and you really don't care or give 2 hoots; but on the other hand... things don't work out with someone else and you stay for days and nights, months and even years saying what if they had worked out... what if I did things differently, what if I was more patient... what if what if what if...

Sometimes we end things at a bad note with others and we really don't give a crap about how bad we might look to them and what they might think of us... but on the other hand, with someone else you really work hard on proving that you're a good person, you still care what they think although it won't ever work out and deep down you want to go back and change the way things ended...

How come sometimes you feel you were rude to someone (intentionally or unintentionally) and you are okay with it; while others... you beat yourself up for it every time you remember!

How come you give up on some people and it doesn't even cross your mind that you did, but others, you keep wishing everyday you were more patient, you keep telling yourself you didn't give them enough space or time... you keep asking yourself how on Earth did I give up on such a valuable person?

How come it's so easy to tell some people it's over, but others, you're not able to speak the words 'cause you're too scared of losing them?

How come we sometimes don't speak to people for years and then you remember it's their birthday and you quickly pick up the phone and wish them; while others.... no matter how much you want to make the call, you just can't get yourself to do it 'cause "hypothetically," you've moved on...

Actually, how come we sometimes forget the birthdays of our direct family members, but others, whom no longer exist in our lives we still remember their birthday every single year...

Why is it that some people just don't leave any sort of print in your life, but others, when you meet someone with their same name... you get lost for a few minutes in your own world of thoughts and you either frown or smile...

And how come, it easy to tell some people how much you love them, miss them and how life would be hell without them but others... you can't say it 'cause you're trying really hard to hide the fact that you do love them, miss them and that life without them is living hell 'cause you're the only one who knows that to that particular person these words mean differently?

How come some people that were once very close to you, now don't matter anymore and it doesn't bother you, but others, that you might have never really seen before matter so much and you keep wishing you really got to know them better?

How is it that there are people so close to us and we speak to them everyday then all of a sudden we get distant and you accept moving on; but others, letting go seems to be the hardest thing ever?

How come we sometimes see the rationale behind something not working out and the need to end things, but with others... grasping that parting ways is the right thing to do is just beyond your imagination and capabilities?

How come some people walk in and out of our lives and we never look back, but others, you might know the for an hour, a day or a year and they are able to cross your mind every single day as you open your eyes and before you go to sleep.

This list can go on forever really...

Sometimes I wish all people were equal to me... I love caring about people and I love having special people in my life that matter to me... but it has its downfalls too! Sometimes I wish that with all people once things are over and done I don't look back, I don't think twice and I don't say what if... But the point is... they're all people who walked out of our lives... people who took their chances one way or the other and left... things have ended because of you or them... the point is it ended and it's over! So in fact they are equal... but it's the complexity of our emotions that makes it harder from one person to the other...

And I wonder if some people who really do/did matter to me, but things did not work out with them for any reason... am I someone they look back to and remember or was it an easy case to them that they never flash back to... do they ever ask what if?

The only thing I'm sure of is that I really DO NOT want to know the answer to this last question!

Growing Older…

How does someone grow older?

Is it age? Sometimes I feel it has to do with age… I mean the day I turned 20 I wasn't too excited… and definitely the day I turned 25 wasn't thrilling at all!

However I realized that age isn’t always the indication of growing older…

I mean… there are days when I’m 25 and I feel younger than days when I was 22… if you get what I mean!

And those days when I feel young... I ask myself, why can't I just be that person everyday!? And the answer, I really dunno... I end up being old and grumpy uncontrollably! Like I'm helpless towards this disgusting feeling!

I feel growing older is a state of mind and emotions… Growing older means you worry yourself too much, you push yourself harder than you should, you punish yourself and you judge yourself harsher…

The more we immerse ourselves into problems, the older we get…

The more we worry, the older we get…

When we can’t careless and the weight keeps getting heavier; the older we get…

Telling yourself that you can’t do this because you’re not young anymore is the first sign of growing older…You convince yourself that you’ve grown when you haven’t…

You see yourself as old… although no one else does!

I figured that you can actually be young and spontaneous till the last day of your life… not immature… but young!

Laugh...

Sing...

Dance...

Go out...

Travel...

Take things as they come...

Worry less...

Believe it’ll work out on its own...

Let go of whatever it is that holds you back and makes you feel that way...

Do something stupid every now and then...

Stop being serious all the time...

Don't beat up yourself for things you cannot change...

Stop carrying more than you can hold...

I don’t claim I do that… on the contrary I do the exact opposite… and it pisses me off!

Lately I always feel old… Older than I am… Older than I should be… Emotionally and mentally older… I feel older than I deserve to be... Older than I owe it myself...

I even end up looking and sounding older than I am... people place me into this boring category!

And that just… makes me feel even sadder and hence… older! – sigh!