What is Stopping You? Umm… Me?

How many days have you woken up and decided today is going to be a better day? Not because you have this hinge that something will be different about it, but because you think you will be able to do things differently.

Personally, I get so many of these days. I wake up with a big smile, super positive… and in that spirit I put my make up on and make sure my hair all puffed up and nice… I dress up, get into my car, stop for my favorite coffee, play my favorite music and starting singing! I’m cheerful!

But then after the second song, pretty much... the old, grumpy, indifferent me comes back. All the negative or pointless thoughts start hitting me, one after the other... "it's been ages since I've been to the gym," about work, my personal life, my family, friends, my social life, the need to go to church more often, my diet, my spirituality, my big dreams around my career, love,‘oh Lord, I’m turning 30 where did my life go?!” And before I know it, my positive outlook to life and my desire to do things differently is gone! Surprisingly most times, nothing has happened to trigger this negativity. 

So I’m really wondering what stops us from keeping the smile, thinking positively, singing in our cars, packing our bags and going on an adventurous trip, working out daily, being really open to expressing what is exactly on your mind, and courageous enough to meet new people? I wish I knew… Sometimes I think it is out of habit that we are inclined to being negative, other times I think it is routine, culture, pressure to do things in certain way, worrying about work, or how people feel, satisfying others… I’m not sure!

But I guess acknowledging that you need that change… is still somehow a good start! 

Something Changed...

So when I herd I was coming to Dubai for a few months, I thought this is a great opportunity to make use of this time alone... I'm usually a person of strong will, and if I set my mind to something I'd do it...

I realized I'd be having a lot of time on hand, a lot of me time, a lot of alone time... and I figured this a chance for me to do a lot... but ever since I came here, I honestly don't know where the time does... I put it in my head that I want to achieve some stuff during my stay here and honestly I'm very disappointed at myself... because I've achieved none of them....

So that was my initial plan:

• I've always dreamed of learning multiple languages, so I thought this was an opportunity to brush on my French while I'm here, take a class after work or during the weekend! Obviously haven't done it.... haven't even looked into where I can take these classes.
• Be more outgoing, do activities on my own, don't be timid to learn to enjoy activities alone, even be open to meeting new people. Let's see... I'm very reluctant to do things on my own! For example there is a concert tonight that I really wanted to go and since I didn't find company I passed, I don't know why it is hard for me to do any activity on my own (except shopping to be honest, which I wish I can actually learn to control, anyway, not the point...) So, I'm not pissed at my friends for being un-supportive of an activity that I wanted to do as much as I am pissed at myself for being reluctant to go on my own, despite really wanting to go (donno if that makes any sense). The only time I go out and have fun, is when I've got company (usually people visiting), and that shouldn't be the case because my circle of people is so tiny, so I should really learn to go out  and have fun.  I also haven't made 1 new friend since I came here, work people are nice colleagues, others are random acquaintances, but a new friend, I haven't given myself a chance to meet new people... which is kind of weird, the beauty of travelling around is meeting people. 
• Make use of my free time (and the fact that the gym is right in my building) and exercise more regularly! I want to get fit and in shape! Guess what, as embarrassing as it is to say, I haven't been even ONCE to the gym. It's right in my building and I tend to find excuses for not going. Like time!! It's a 24/7 gym in my building and I'm saying I don't have time to go. And I guess this is one of the major things that piss me off at myself... like major disappointment!! 
• Develop my talent, my big dream! To read more and write more. And this is also something I'm just so pissed at myself for. Ever since I came here in Nov. 2012, I wrote no more than 5 posts, I wanted to start writing a new story and I just wrote 1 page of it... I'm just uninspired! I bought 3 new novels that are all lying on my table... And I do have time, I just don't have the will to pick up the book and read it

So I don't know what has happened to me, I've lost interest in a lot of things that I was once passionate about, I lost the will to get up and do something I want or something I care about... I'm just living from day to day with no set purpose or plan... I'm not enjoying the things I like to do... I've become so restless, it's annoying! I'm never excited about anything... and it's just not me!

I'm also so restless... before I used to wake up early, get up from the first buzz of the alarm, now... I can almost snooze for an hour, getting out of bed is like torture for me. I'm unmotivated to get up, I literally push myself out forcefully.

So I've got 3 months left here... with a lot of time on my own... I want to try and use them to see more places in the city. Depend on myself more to have fun, rather than wait for someone to join me, read more... write more, be more optimistic about life... have more fun! Be more optimistic and find motivation again.. Be out there and enjoy it... Find the stuff that excite me and I do them... 

So hopefully I can get over myself... and just live, who cares how or with who... just do the stuff that make me happy, so I can regain the will and excitement about life!

New Year... Evolution or Illusion?

We often think that with the tick of the clock, once it turns 12 and it's a new year our life would change... a whole new beginning to life and our selves would come out... we wait for an evolution, for the world to change... for the unexpected, for resolutions we have been making for the year or years to finally come to live!

BUT... with years, I've earned some experience and wisdom, and  I've come to realize that this hope for an evolution as the New Year approaches... is most likely just an illusion.

I don't meant to be dramatic or to kill the optimism we have for the whole new year, new beginning fairy tale we all, including me, live in. But, sometimes we come in terms with reality and its good to stop and share it. May be make someone else avoid the stupidity you've been placed in before! If someone out there is expecting a magical moment of change... I'm not saying it doesn't happen; I'm just saying don't count on New Year to be that magical moment. 

In the so called life... Jan 1st, 12 am each year is just the next second, the next minute, the next day, the next month, the next year.... its just another clock tick of no particular significance or change.

If there was this one split second where everything changes suddenly, where we click a button and the past is deleted and a new horizon opens up... then New Year's would be a universal moment across Egypt, Lebanon, Dubai, Jordan, Saudi, US, Canada, UK, Germany, France, India, Singapore... but facts are this magical moment isn't universal, there is no single moment where the ENTIRE world stops and we all get a chance to start over new! This moment is different across countries, across states, across cities, across homes and across the people in the same home. Each person's clock hits 12 am at a different split second! 

Truth remains... New Year's is just a thing we've created! An illusion we've immersed ourselves with giving ourselves hope that there is a chance to get up and fix things to re-evaluate where we stand!

I'm not being pessimistic; I'm being realistic... 
Change does happen, but it doesn't need a clock or a date or to dim out the lights and turn them on to a new you... change is timeless; can happen anywhere, anytime, anyhow...

Change happens when you intend for it to happen...

Change that is time bound is an illusion...

Change that you create is a true evolution...

You decide your own New Year... your New Year, your real evolution, begins when you take a good look at yourself and you realize: now is the time to change!

Footprints in My Life...

Everyday we run into different people in life... these people leave varying prints in our life. Some are strong and some are less effective. However, everyone and anyone we meet and run into teaches us something. Something we may not notice... however we silently and unconsciously learn.  All this together, no matter how much we tell ourselves that we are our own creation, help shape who we are. These people may not know us, we might be observing them from afar yet they teach us something so true and so valuable. These people may not be aware our our deep passion and need to thank them... but fact is, our life wouldn't have been the same without them. We wouldn't have been the same without them. Some people leave strong prints in our life. Deep rooted prints that teach us clear lessons in life... A print we're aware of and learn from consciously with a smile on our face. A footprint too strong that we wish to learn from every single day... A footprint we're reminded with every single day because you look into the mirror and see its traces on your face and soul. This post is dedicated to the people who have really taught me something... people I owe something to... I admire and aspire to be like! 

Dad... my dad is a man of hard work and dedication. He's the kindda man that worked so hard to provide endlessly to all those who are around him. He's taught me that hard work is rewarded. That good things happen to those who work for it. That things don't come to you in crystal bowls and aren't fed to you in golden spoons. He's taught me that doing what's right is the safest, best and most efficient way to success. He's taught me to value honesty. To be able to say NO clearly and loudly to face of anything wrong. He continues to teach us everyday. Just 'cause you make money or have money doesn't mean you waste it. Doesn't mean you use it unwisely. That having money while not giving others and using it for good deeds is really wasted money. He taught me what it means and takes to be selfless! He taught me what it means to feel happiness in seeing the people around you happy. He's taught me that family is the most important thing in life! He's taught me that being a good person is a duty not a choice. Sometimes I work too hard, to show my dad that his investment in his kids has paid off. My dad didn't sit me down and talk me into those things... watching him day by day gave me the scruples and basis I live with today. And though some people see it as too traditional, too corny or too safe. I find pride in being like my Dad!

Mom... well where to start? I would honestly not know! My mom is the mom is wish to one day be. This should really sum it all up. My mom has done all she can to make us a happy family. She's the balance. The center. The core. Sometimes I just silently look at her with admiration. We sometimes go through a lot of thick and thin as a family, and if it were not for mom it don't assume we'd have gone through it. She's never complained... She's accepted everything with a smile and in silence. She's made sure her kids don't worry about a thing. She made sure we go on in life enjoying our childhood. As I grew up I realized how much my mom has gone through: the good, the bad, the unexpected. And it surprises me that I never saw her break down despite being one of the most sensitive people I've ever known. It surprises me that when I look back to my childhood I don't remember having any problems. My mom is a true example of someone who who has done endless sacrifice for her family. If anything went wrong, she'd make it up for us with her love and care. She's the kinnda mom I'd brag about, show off with in front of people. Tell them look who my mom is! She's knows everything going on with her kids. Pushes them forward. Wants to see them the best they could be. Still wakes up in the morning to make sure they have breakfast, if they need any help. Calls you to check on you in the middle of the day. She's my friend, my dearest friend! Without my mom, I wouldn't be me... something would be missing! Without my morning hug to mom, my day wouldn't go right! I'd do anything to make her smile & to see her happy. I can sit and talk to her for years... talk about her for ages...Currently I'm smiling talking about mom... wondering, are my words expressive enough to show how much she means to me, how much I love her & how much she taught me. I'd kill to be like my mom one day! If I ever get kids and I'm the mom to them that my mom was to me... they'd be super lucky! All the kindness, sensitivity, loyalty, sympathy and willingness to help without asking for anything in return IN ME, comes from Mom. One day I wish to be her! 

S. E. Hinton... the first time I realized I have a hero and role model was in 7th grade. I read a novel called, "The Outsiders," in school. A novel so true and simple and realistic and appealing. Every word she wrote touched my heart. Every word written felt so real. At the back of your head you could see it happening. For the first time I cared to flip to the "about the author" pages and was in shock to realized she wrote The Outsiders when she was 16! She wrote a novel that is taught in schools when she was 16. Do you realize the magnitude of this? It's pretty amazing! Anyways... that made me realize that you don't need to be old to write or start investing in a hobby or talent. At the age of 12, thanks to S. E. Hinton, I started writing. I set my passion free and enjoyed it! My admiration for S. E. Hinton also drove to read every single one of her books. And as soon as I finished a book it was automatically shifted yo my list of favorites! When all the books in the school library for Hinton were done I realized I couldn't live without reading. It became a thing that I burrow books from the library every single week. I'd read up to 3 novels a week. And for that, I thank Hinton... honestly! Because of this author I was gifted with my two most precious hobbies: reading and writing! Not just because they're enjoyable! But they really liberate anything that's on your mind whatever it is. Takes you with your thoughts and imagination elsewhere... sometimes, you wish to be left there! One day... who knows... may be my novel would be taught in school or placed in library and or on bookstore shelves! 

Miss Mais... well, you know those movies where this young high school teacher comes in changes lives! I'm glad to say this happened to me! In 9th grade I was lucky to have the funky, outta the box teacher that still managed to teach us well. She's my English teacher to whom I owe all my good vocabulary! Those impressive words I throw in once every now to show off I owe them to her. Ever since that class... I have a passion for teaching. It's one of my dreams that I hope to achieve. She's taught me that when your teacher picks on you and pushes you around it means that she's knows you've got potential. She made us do a daily diary, write anything... as long as you write daily. At the beginning I didn't know what to write, I was uncomfortable... but later it became part of my daily routine; couldn't let a day go by without writing. And everyday the quality and content of what I wrote got deeper. Sometimes I was even surprised with the stuff I wrote. I ask myself should I have really written that?! I still have that diary with me till today, and I read it from time to time and smile. I smile at the experience, the memory and my way of fitting in complex vocabulary in the middle of serious confessions (at least at that time they were). With time, Miss Mais became the first person to read my first story. She took the time to read it and edit every word of it although it wasn't related to any class material.That kind of teacher that took time to invest in her student's dreams and potential is the kind of teacher I hope to be one day... the teacher someone could write about 10 years later without her knowing! I hope I can find her again some day...

So... Dad, Mom, S. E. Hinton and Miss Mais... thanks is really the simplest and best way to end this! 

You've Changed...

I've previously written a post titled The Beautiful You and Me... and I guess this is quite related to it... 


Sometimes I look at someone and I feel he or she has changed... more like softened up, lost their edge with time... and that's really not something bad, it's more like they've just loosened up with time and have let their softer side shine...


Whatever happened could really be meeting someone, getting married, having a child, going through a rough experience, loosing someone, becoming better friends or simply just growing up... 


And surprisingly this change just brings this person under a new light... makes me look at this person differently... with some sort of admiration...


I've lately been seeing a lot of changed people... people who no longer care that it's corny to play games on Facebook despite claiming that it's kiddish for years... others who have risen above tension in the past and make sure you know you're still dear to them.... others who don't mind crying in front of you... others who admit they love hanging around kids...


I've lately been seeing a lot of changed people... changed to the better... people who allow you to see their other side... who share the better version of them... who really show the beautiful them... I've lately been smiling a lot! Thanks to the people who have changed... 

Busy Making Me Happy!

So... a few posts ago I took the decision that I'd be optimistic and that I won't let anything get to me and so far I'm impressing myself!

A few hinges here and there... but given I've been in horrible bad mood for a very a long time I have to say I'm doing pretty well! 

So let me tell you my theory... well it's not a theory as much as it is a realization! And pretty much a realization that I was being stupid! So anyhow... I've come in terms with the fact that no one gets everything they want... each one has a set of things that determine their level of happiness and satisfaction with life! For instance there is family, friends, relationships, school, work, your home, your car, your hobbies, your leisure time, the amount of stress you have, the amount of problems you have... bla bla bla! So I simply decided that if at any given point in time  I have four things in my life that are going well... I'm gonna be a happy person! In other words I've decided I'll be looking at the full half of the cup and completely ignoring the half empty!

I've realized that people with much bigger problems... and those who have gone through much more dramatic experiences manage be happy and cheerful.. hence.. why can't I be!? I realized I'm really making little things seem bigger than they are. I'm giving unworthy things and people more attention than they need or ever will need! 


Additionally I discovered some very simple techniques on how to be happier! I'm serious, not being philosophical... but seriously try them... convince yourself with them!

• We're often tempted to complain... every time you start complaining STOP yourself...
• Every time you come to post a negative status... find something positive to write or write something that doesn't make sense...
• If a sad song starts playing... don't hear it! Listen to happy gilly stupid childhood song...
• We pretty much know the people who pisses us off.. IGNORE THEM!
• If a friend calls you to say let's go out and you're lazy... get up, dress up and go!
• Dress up everyday like you're going to a party! Look your best... for you...
• Whatever makes you happy do it! If its not going to work... don't! If it's eating ice cream... eat it! If it's shopping... shop! If it's being a nerd... so be it! Who cares about money, dieting or whatever.... do what makes you happy on the spot!
• When you're inner voice discourages you.... tell him to go screw himself! Don't let the inner negative thoughts bug you...
• Don't set limitations to yourself... be freakin confident at all times!
• Tell yourself... someone, somewhere is sitting beating himself/herself cause they let you go!
• Tell yourself... you're someone's dream!
• No matter how you look or feel... walk around like your the hottest best thing in town!
• Don't force yourself to be nice to someone you don't wanna be nice too! No one does the same anyways... 
• Make a fool outta yourself and laugh about it! Don't give others a chance to hold it against you...
• The past is the past... we really can't do anything about it!
• If you said sorry once.. twice.. and even three times! If other person doesn't wanna let go... really! Screw him or her! You've done all there is to do!
• Don't beat yourself up for things you can't control or change! Whatever... make the best of what you can change and what you got!
• It's never the end of the world till you die... so as long as you're alive.. there is tomorrow and there is time for things to get better!
• Always believe that the best is yet to come!
• Never tell yourself that your dream are too big to come true!
• If things are meant to happen... they will happen. Stop thinking about it! 
• Creating scenarios in your head just gives you a headache... wait and see what will happen! Take it as it comes... 
• Push yourself forward... never backward!
• Brag about how good you are... never about how bad you are! Every one is messed up, don't be stupid to highlight it to people!
• Finally... in arabic: SEBEHA 3ALA ALLAH! Leave it to God... He'll do what's best for you... seriously why are we worrying about it! He has a definite bigger vision for you...

I gotta tell you after my decision to just let go... keep smiling... and to be positive... which I took on July 17th... no very long ago.. things have started to get better! Believe me they did on every level; work, personal, family, friends, stress... just everything! TRUST me when you're bummed out and in bad mood... even if things are good you see them bad! So taking it positively... makes you see things positive... makes positive things happen to you!

Currently I'm busy making me happy.... you should do the same... it's worth it!

:D

My Decision To Be Optimistic...

So don't ask me why... I really have no good reason for it... but I'm sick and tired of being in a crappy mood either over things I cannot change, cannot control or things and people who aren't worth it!

So I've decided that for a change... a very big change... I'm gonna be optimistic... I'm gonna say: screw it and I'l enjoy my time!

I've been in grumpy mood for the last two years probably! For all the wrong and shitty reasons! Reasons, that I'm probably the only one holding on to while everyone else has simply moved on!

I don't blame others for my inability to move on... but if other involved people don't care then why the hell should I! I mean it; technically it doesn't make sense? If I'm upset a friend has been slacking off and not caring about a friendship lost then what the hell am I upset about! If I'm upset life hasn't turned out as planned in some areas... hell with it.. I'm going to enjoy whatever there is to enjoy!

I can't keep waiting for people to change or hoping they realize they've been asses to me! I can't sit here regretting things I've done or feeling guilty for shit I messed up in... I can't stay upset over opportunities lost! What ever history, is just history!

And I only blame myself for letting all those things get to me! Whatever... I'm moving on! I'm even pissed at myself for all the time I wasted on crappy people, things and feelings!

I'm really starting to feel jealous of people who have peace of mind! I mean for God's sake I deserve that too! And I know I should be telling this to myself before anyone else! Lately worrying about everything and anything has just made me this crappy unbearable person! I'm worrying about crap I seriously cannot do anything about! I'm carrying my weight and everyone else's over my freakin shoulders!

So ya... for a change I won't care about anyone but me... I won't let anything get to me! Too much worrying has made me feel like I'm 50... and I'm not! So I'm gonna act my age, which is 25 and I'm gonna have fun and be optimistic!

I'm gonna go back to being outgoing, fun, energetic, smiley and I'll gain back my sense of humor... which will be cheerful laughter rather than sad sarcastic irony!

Seriously, I've come to a conclusion... simply SCREW everything, nothing is worth it! No matter what you mention! :)

- Sigh!

Closure...

Reference to my previous post (Silence is Gold) which speaks about how I don't feel relieved until I say all that I want and get everything I want off my chest... people may find it natural to believe that I find closure in being the one to say the last words in an argument... As if that gives me closure!

However, that's not true! Closure to me has a totally different meaning!

True... blabbing out all that is bothering me is something I tend to do and can't help most of the time. However as I previously mentioned my blabbing comes with a good intention... Even if this seems hidden!

What's worst is that I reach to this boiling point that leads to explosion with people I care about! I tend to avoid confrontation which I know would be bad and then I explode. So dramatic endings with such people hurts me more than it hurts them. The last thing I plan for is loosing them. I consider the people I care about an embedded part of my life. As I said I assume they'd be okay with me venting... But I don't assume anyone should endure what seems to be taking crap!

IN FACT I find closure in happy endings and in peaceful endings to my arguments.

True my venting and speaking out may make happy endings hard to reach... However this is my honest intention.

Closure to me is when no hard feelings exist... Closure is when I'm sure I haven't hurt any one... Closure is when I feel words have actually ended (nothing more to be said by either sides)... Closure is soul and mind feeding... Closure is finding inner peace...

I've learned that my venting doesn't help me get where I want... I vent because I feel this person is close enough to me to endure this venting and to know the good I mean I behind it... I vent to the person instead of speaking about them to someone else... I vent because I'm calling out for the person's attention...

But it's clear to me that my venting means loosing people... It leads to sad endings rather than happy ones...

I don't find closure in loosing people or in hurting them by what I say... I find closure in happy endings... I need to change my way to find closure and for people to really know who I am... My good intention seems be unclear to people and seems to drive me in the oppoite direction...

I don't find closure in making people feel bad or in having the final say. I don't find closure in winning arguments. I don't find closure in being a victim or gaining sympathy... But that's what my venting results in.
My venting doesn't only hurt people but it also hurts me... Regret kills me! Sad endings frustrate me! Being judged falsely drains my breath! Hurting people makes me feel guilty! And above all loosing people I really care about is something I never get over!!!

My venting is harming me more than any one else! My venting isn't allowing me to find closure!

I need to find closure! I need to change.

Waking Up To A Different Egypt…

GOOD MORNING!!

No one can deny that on February 12th, 2011 we all woke up to a completely different Egypt…

I won’t claim that I was one of the people in Tahrir Square, because I wasn't… but anyone in Egypt or outside can agree that January 25, 2011 until February 11, 2011 really made history in Egypt…

Throughout this revolution, every time some changes were made I would think to myself “WOW, who thought this would happen in Egypt.” And I’d tell myself, “That’s it… what more do the people want… we’ve already taken leaps of advancement, they should know that’s all we’re getting. It’s time to go home!”

BUT… the people were determined and they had a BIGGER dream and they were persistent to achieve it…

February 11, 2011, around 6 p.m., The BIG announcement was made… the success of the Jan. 25th Revolution was announced… the people accomplished what they’ve dreamed for and worked very hard to achieve!



The "power of the people" proved to be stronger than anything else... their amazing will proved to miraculous...

I cannot begin to describe the look and feel of the Egyptian streets… it was beyond words can tell… you’d have to be there to know it… but it was unbelievable!

My reaction was quite delayed… I fell in complete and utter silence because I confused... I personally had very mixed feelings.

Disbelief… I wouldn’t have thought in a million years that the Mubarak regime would end, and above all end this way….

Happiness… for it was a successful revolution made by the people for the people no question asked…

Thankfulness... for all those who helped bring about this historical change...

Pride… for living and seeing this achievement and for knowing what Egyptians are capable of…

Relief... for knowing that those who died during these 18 days didn't die in vain... and again I send my gratitude, respect and condolences to their families and beloved ones...

Uncertainty… for we don’t know what is happening next… and I don’t think there will be certainty until September 2011 when we have a better vision for the future and things begin to stabilize...

Sadness… for I wished people would show a little more respect to someone who has served the country for over 30 years on many different levels, even if the system had many downfalls… He has been Egypt’s symbol for very long… and deep down I still really wished for a better exit for him…

Regret… For I have been very passive in the past… I have witnessed the change and not taken part in it… perhaps because deep down I never thought it would happen; now I know I’m wrong…

Optimism… for a better a future for Egypt…

Fear... for I'm worried we regret any of this in the future...

Trust… for now I know Egyptian people are stronger and more confident than before and they will not allow the country move anywhere but forward…

An even BIGGER trust… for I know God will never leave Egypt alone and that all will work for the benefit of the people and the country… 

What happened yesterday is a HUGE success no question asked… however, I feel it’s the beginning of a loooooooong way to go for all of us…

We will have a new president which we hope would lead us to a better Egypt, but we need to work on ourselves as well to making Egypt better for us and no one else… all the little things that we don’t think they matter, they do…

Let us clean up the roads, listen to each other, respect each other, accept our differences, follow the traffic, show respect to people of all sorts of standards, help build Egypt, invest in the stock, travel internally, be fair, work ethically, smile at each other, be there for each other... and all the things we know we used to ignore before simply because everyone else was doing them... let's stop them because they all matter... and changing them will help us move forward!

This change is enormous… and it’ll take forever to happen again! So let’s make the best use out of it…

Let’s pray for Egypt… we have a long way to go… let’s come out of this experience stronger and more united so we can move forward…

Again… today I woke up knowing Egypt is different… knowing things will never be the same again… and although my feelings are still mixed up, I’m hoping it all works well for our country…

Long Live Egypt and God Bless Egypt At All Times…