What is Stopping You? Umm… Me?

How many days have you woken up and decided today is going to be a better day? Not because you have this hinge that something will be different about it, but because you think you will be able to do things differently.

Personally, I get so many of these days. I wake up with a big smile, super positive… and in that spirit I put my make up on and make sure my hair all puffed up and nice… I dress up, get into my car, stop for my favorite coffee, play my favorite music and starting singing! I’m cheerful!

But then after the second song, pretty much... the old, grumpy, indifferent me comes back. All the negative or pointless thoughts start hitting me, one after the other... "it's been ages since I've been to the gym," about work, my personal life, my family, friends, my social life, the need to go to church more often, my diet, my spirituality, my big dreams around my career, love,‘oh Lord, I’m turning 30 where did my life go?!” And before I know it, my positive outlook to life and my desire to do things differently is gone! Surprisingly most times, nothing has happened to trigger this negativity. 

So I’m really wondering what stops us from keeping the smile, thinking positively, singing in our cars, packing our bags and going on an adventurous trip, working out daily, being really open to expressing what is exactly on your mind, and courageous enough to meet new people? I wish I knew… Sometimes I think it is out of habit that we are inclined to being negative, other times I think it is routine, culture, pressure to do things in certain way, worrying about work, or how people feel, satisfying others… I’m not sure!

But I guess acknowledging that you need that change… is still somehow a good start! 

Something Changed...

So when I herd I was coming to Dubai for a few months, I thought this is a great opportunity to make use of this time alone... I'm usually a person of strong will, and if I set my mind to something I'd do it...

I realized I'd be having a lot of time on hand, a lot of me time, a lot of alone time... and I figured this a chance for me to do a lot... but ever since I came here, I honestly don't know where the time does... I put it in my head that I want to achieve some stuff during my stay here and honestly I'm very disappointed at myself... because I've achieved none of them....

So that was my initial plan:

• I've always dreamed of learning multiple languages, so I thought this was an opportunity to brush on my French while I'm here, take a class after work or during the weekend! Obviously haven't done it.... haven't even looked into where I can take these classes.
• Be more outgoing, do activities on my own, don't be timid to learn to enjoy activities alone, even be open to meeting new people. Let's see... I'm very reluctant to do things on my own! For example there is a concert tonight that I really wanted to go and since I didn't find company I passed, I don't know why it is hard for me to do any activity on my own (except shopping to be honest, which I wish I can actually learn to control, anyway, not the point...) So, I'm not pissed at my friends for being un-supportive of an activity that I wanted to do as much as I am pissed at myself for being reluctant to go on my own, despite really wanting to go (donno if that makes any sense). The only time I go out and have fun, is when I've got company (usually people visiting), and that shouldn't be the case because my circle of people is so tiny, so I should really learn to go out  and have fun.  I also haven't made 1 new friend since I came here, work people are nice colleagues, others are random acquaintances, but a new friend, I haven't given myself a chance to meet new people... which is kind of weird, the beauty of travelling around is meeting people. 
• Make use of my free time (and the fact that the gym is right in my building) and exercise more regularly! I want to get fit and in shape! Guess what, as embarrassing as it is to say, I haven't been even ONCE to the gym. It's right in my building and I tend to find excuses for not going. Like time!! It's a 24/7 gym in my building and I'm saying I don't have time to go. And I guess this is one of the major things that piss me off at myself... like major disappointment!! 
• Develop my talent, my big dream! To read more and write more. And this is also something I'm just so pissed at myself for. Ever since I came here in Nov. 2012, I wrote no more than 5 posts, I wanted to start writing a new story and I just wrote 1 page of it... I'm just uninspired! I bought 3 new novels that are all lying on my table... And I do have time, I just don't have the will to pick up the book and read it

So I don't know what has happened to me, I've lost interest in a lot of things that I was once passionate about, I lost the will to get up and do something I want or something I care about... I'm just living from day to day with no set purpose or plan... I'm not enjoying the things I like to do... I've become so restless, it's annoying! I'm never excited about anything... and it's just not me!

I'm also so restless... before I used to wake up early, get up from the first buzz of the alarm, now... I can almost snooze for an hour, getting out of bed is like torture for me. I'm unmotivated to get up, I literally push myself out forcefully.

So I've got 3 months left here... with a lot of time on my own... I want to try and use them to see more places in the city. Depend on myself more to have fun, rather than wait for someone to join me, read more... write more, be more optimistic about life... have more fun! Be more optimistic and find motivation again.. Be out there and enjoy it... Find the stuff that excite me and I do them... 

So hopefully I can get over myself... and just live, who cares how or with who... just do the stuff that make me happy, so I can regain the will and excitement about life!