2013... Was Different!!

I've been terrible at posting... a year has gone by and I probably wrote less than a hand full of posts... and in all honesty I don't know where the time has gone... I'm usually a better writer when it comes to drama... so as much as it sucks that I haven't been writing... I feel it could be a good sign... means maybe I have had a good year!

So let me take this chance... to just jot down a few thoughts... won't even go back and look at what I wrote or edit it... let's see what comes out..

2013 was a different year for me the least to say. There was the good, the bad and the expected... all in all I have to say... looking back this year has been a one of a kind experience.

Starting off... the whole experience of being away from home for more than the year was unexpected. With this... lots of changes were made. It really gave me the chance to clear my head from so many things and distractions that were blurring my vision.... I let go of anything and anyone who could be holding me back... I had a year of self/quality time.. Which in all honesty, I needed and really enjoyed.

I learned the true meaning of independence... I learned a lot of values. I learned that its really hard to keep in touch with friends and that it is a two way effort... nothing comes easily. I must admit along the way I might have lost some friends! I also learned that others rose up... and became closer to me compared to before. Hence, learning that distance really isn't an element... it really comes down to how much effort you're willing to put in.

I also made new friends... learned to come out of my comfort zone... don't be shy about meeting new people and new experiences. I met people who... right now I cannot imagine how I'd leave them behind. To those friends.. I want to say... in 2014, I'm willing to put in the effort to stay in touch.

I think most important lesson was... not to accept less than one deserves from others.

Work has also been one hell of a change this year. Its been exiting, hectic and crazy... I've enjoyed working for a BIG entity... one that really makes the world a better place... Not just something you'd say in an ad; gives you a whole different sense of self actualization. I travelled around, which is always interesting. I had the chance to live in Dubai for more than a year and a chance to visit Oman, Turkey, NY and Connecticut. All in all, it has been some interesting cultural experience...one I enjoyed and plan to continue to enjoy...

Family... well it was very hard being away from my family for so long. The sense that they need me and I'm not there is a killer. Also the effort to keep the bond regardless of the distance wasn't easy... you learn to value them more... when something happens and you really wish they're here with you... but they're not.

Fun... this year wasn't so bad... I had fun, went around, laughed hard, met new people, went to new places, tried new experiences... may be not all of them were great at the time, but looking back, I enjoyed 2013.

Of course there are always stuff to look forward when you look ahead... I won't make a list of resolutions which are only good on paper... But let me say... Yes! There are  few things I'd like to work on... personally, socially and career wise in 2014. I feel I've spent enough time learning who I am and what I want in life... I learned what makes me happy.

I will not say I wish 2014 to be better than 2013... I'm thankful for my past year with all its good and bad. I'm walking into the new year with a lot of optimism for myself, my family, my career, my friends and my country.

Be thankful for your past year... and I wish everyone a more than AWESOME year to come.

Something Changed...

So when I herd I was coming to Dubai for a few months, I thought this is a great opportunity to make use of this time alone... I'm usually a person of strong will, and if I set my mind to something I'd do it...

I realized I'd be having a lot of time on hand, a lot of me time, a lot of alone time... and I figured this a chance for me to do a lot... but ever since I came here, I honestly don't know where the time does... I put it in my head that I want to achieve some stuff during my stay here and honestly I'm very disappointed at myself... because I've achieved none of them....

So that was my initial plan:

• I've always dreamed of learning multiple languages, so I thought this was an opportunity to brush on my French while I'm here, take a class after work or during the weekend! Obviously haven't done it.... haven't even looked into where I can take these classes.
• Be more outgoing, do activities on my own, don't be timid to learn to enjoy activities alone, even be open to meeting new people. Let's see... I'm very reluctant to do things on my own! For example there is a concert tonight that I really wanted to go and since I didn't find company I passed, I don't know why it is hard for me to do any activity on my own (except shopping to be honest, which I wish I can actually learn to control, anyway, not the point...) So, I'm not pissed at my friends for being un-supportive of an activity that I wanted to do as much as I am pissed at myself for being reluctant to go on my own, despite really wanting to go (donno if that makes any sense). The only time I go out and have fun, is when I've got company (usually people visiting), and that shouldn't be the case because my circle of people is so tiny, so I should really learn to go out  and have fun.  I also haven't made 1 new friend since I came here, work people are nice colleagues, others are random acquaintances, but a new friend, I haven't given myself a chance to meet new people... which is kind of weird, the beauty of travelling around is meeting people. 
• Make use of my free time (and the fact that the gym is right in my building) and exercise more regularly! I want to get fit and in shape! Guess what, as embarrassing as it is to say, I haven't been even ONCE to the gym. It's right in my building and I tend to find excuses for not going. Like time!! It's a 24/7 gym in my building and I'm saying I don't have time to go. And I guess this is one of the major things that piss me off at myself... like major disappointment!! 
• Develop my talent, my big dream! To read more and write more. And this is also something I'm just so pissed at myself for. Ever since I came here in Nov. 2012, I wrote no more than 5 posts, I wanted to start writing a new story and I just wrote 1 page of it... I'm just uninspired! I bought 3 new novels that are all lying on my table... And I do have time, I just don't have the will to pick up the book and read it

So I don't know what has happened to me, I've lost interest in a lot of things that I was once passionate about, I lost the will to get up and do something I want or something I care about... I'm just living from day to day with no set purpose or plan... I'm not enjoying the things I like to do... I've become so restless, it's annoying! I'm never excited about anything... and it's just not me!

I'm also so restless... before I used to wake up early, get up from the first buzz of the alarm, now... I can almost snooze for an hour, getting out of bed is like torture for me. I'm unmotivated to get up, I literally push myself out forcefully.

So I've got 3 months left here... with a lot of time on my own... I want to try and use them to see more places in the city. Depend on myself more to have fun, rather than wait for someone to join me, read more... write more, be more optimistic about life... have more fun! Be more optimistic and find motivation again.. Be out there and enjoy it... Find the stuff that excite me and I do them... 

So hopefully I can get over myself... and just live, who cares how or with who... just do the stuff that make me happy, so I can regain the will and excitement about life!

The OPTIMISM of December...

I don't know why but December to me has always been a happy season. Last year I had a post titled December and for some unlikely reason it was depressing. Well, true it's a month of self evaluation, you question yourself with what you've achieved and done in the year... bla bla bla! BUT, generally speaking it's a very happy month for me.

Maybe it's all the holiday and gifts that come with it. That disbelief that a year has gone by. The looking forward to a new year carrying new things! Being hopeful. Looking back to the good things. Making resolutions and hoping things would get better. Being around family and friends. Lots of partying and good food... :)

I don't know... but to me the Christmas decorations and the coziness of Christmas makes it for me and really lifts my mood and spirit. And seriously, the hope that next year will be better excites me and gives me something to look forward to.

May be it's an illusion, but December is a happy season for me... full of optimism. I like December... it just cheers me up inside! And that's a brilliant change!

My Decision To Be Optimistic...

So don't ask me why... I really have no good reason for it... but I'm sick and tired of being in a crappy mood either over things I cannot change, cannot control or things and people who aren't worth it!

So I've decided that for a change... a very big change... I'm gonna be optimistic... I'm gonna say: screw it and I'l enjoy my time!

I've been in grumpy mood for the last two years probably! For all the wrong and shitty reasons! Reasons, that I'm probably the only one holding on to while everyone else has simply moved on!

I don't blame others for my inability to move on... but if other involved people don't care then why the hell should I! I mean it; technically it doesn't make sense? If I'm upset a friend has been slacking off and not caring about a friendship lost then what the hell am I upset about! If I'm upset life hasn't turned out as planned in some areas... hell with it.. I'm going to enjoy whatever there is to enjoy!

I can't keep waiting for people to change or hoping they realize they've been asses to me! I can't sit here regretting things I've done or feeling guilty for shit I messed up in... I can't stay upset over opportunities lost! What ever history, is just history!

And I only blame myself for letting all those things get to me! Whatever... I'm moving on! I'm even pissed at myself for all the time I wasted on crappy people, things and feelings!

I'm really starting to feel jealous of people who have peace of mind! I mean for God's sake I deserve that too! And I know I should be telling this to myself before anyone else! Lately worrying about everything and anything has just made me this crappy unbearable person! I'm worrying about crap I seriously cannot do anything about! I'm carrying my weight and everyone else's over my freakin shoulders!

So ya... for a change I won't care about anyone but me... I won't let anything get to me! Too much worrying has made me feel like I'm 50... and I'm not! So I'm gonna act my age, which is 25 and I'm gonna have fun and be optimistic!

I'm gonna go back to being outgoing, fun, energetic, smiley and I'll gain back my sense of humor... which will be cheerful laughter rather than sad sarcastic irony!

Seriously, I've come to a conclusion... simply SCREW everything, nothing is worth it! No matter what you mention! :)

- Sigh!