Something Changed...

So when I herd I was coming to Dubai for a few months, I thought this is a great opportunity to make use of this time alone... I'm usually a person of strong will, and if I set my mind to something I'd do it...

I realized I'd be having a lot of time on hand, a lot of me time, a lot of alone time... and I figured this a chance for me to do a lot... but ever since I came here, I honestly don't know where the time does... I put it in my head that I want to achieve some stuff during my stay here and honestly I'm very disappointed at myself... because I've achieved none of them....

So that was my initial plan:

• I've always dreamed of learning multiple languages, so I thought this was an opportunity to brush on my French while I'm here, take a class after work or during the weekend! Obviously haven't done it.... haven't even looked into where I can take these classes.
• Be more outgoing, do activities on my own, don't be timid to learn to enjoy activities alone, even be open to meeting new people. Let's see... I'm very reluctant to do things on my own! For example there is a concert tonight that I really wanted to go and since I didn't find company I passed, I don't know why it is hard for me to do any activity on my own (except shopping to be honest, which I wish I can actually learn to control, anyway, not the point...) So, I'm not pissed at my friends for being un-supportive of an activity that I wanted to do as much as I am pissed at myself for being reluctant to go on my own, despite really wanting to go (donno if that makes any sense). The only time I go out and have fun, is when I've got company (usually people visiting), and that shouldn't be the case because my circle of people is so tiny, so I should really learn to go out  and have fun.  I also haven't made 1 new friend since I came here, work people are nice colleagues, others are random acquaintances, but a new friend, I haven't given myself a chance to meet new people... which is kind of weird, the beauty of travelling around is meeting people. 
• Make use of my free time (and the fact that the gym is right in my building) and exercise more regularly! I want to get fit and in shape! Guess what, as embarrassing as it is to say, I haven't been even ONCE to the gym. It's right in my building and I tend to find excuses for not going. Like time!! It's a 24/7 gym in my building and I'm saying I don't have time to go. And I guess this is one of the major things that piss me off at myself... like major disappointment!! 
• Develop my talent, my big dream! To read more and write more. And this is also something I'm just so pissed at myself for. Ever since I came here in Nov. 2012, I wrote no more than 5 posts, I wanted to start writing a new story and I just wrote 1 page of it... I'm just uninspired! I bought 3 new novels that are all lying on my table... And I do have time, I just don't have the will to pick up the book and read it

So I don't know what has happened to me, I've lost interest in a lot of things that I was once passionate about, I lost the will to get up and do something I want or something I care about... I'm just living from day to day with no set purpose or plan... I'm not enjoying the things I like to do... I've become so restless, it's annoying! I'm never excited about anything... and it's just not me!

I'm also so restless... before I used to wake up early, get up from the first buzz of the alarm, now... I can almost snooze for an hour, getting out of bed is like torture for me. I'm unmotivated to get up, I literally push myself out forcefully.

So I've got 3 months left here... with a lot of time on my own... I want to try and use them to see more places in the city. Depend on myself more to have fun, rather than wait for someone to join me, read more... write more, be more optimistic about life... have more fun! Be more optimistic and find motivation again.. Be out there and enjoy it... Find the stuff that excite me and I do them... 

So hopefully I can get over myself... and just live, who cares how or with who... just do the stuff that make me happy, so I can regain the will and excitement about life!

The Ugly Truth...

The truth as a matter of fact is always ugly...

Some stuff walk into our lives... confidently and fiercely... we try to resist them...
Then they assure us that they are realities...
And insist....
And they forcefully impose themselves into our lives...
Until we actually get used to them being there...
And we start accepting them as part of our lives...
We start to take what they say for granted...
And believe it...
And create stories in our heads about them...
We adjust ourselves that they've become part of our life..
Even for a while...
But we assume it'll last...
Because they told us so...
We get into a mind set that they're here to stay...
That maybe an imaginary story we had...
May turn into reality...

BUT then...
Once we do get attached...
The withdrawal starts...

We realize that perhaps we took what they said for granted...
May be a little too far...
And it confuses you...
When you realize that perhaps you have built sand castles...

The truth comes to you as a strong slap on the face...
Because all you've heard was not necessarily from the heart...

And you beat yourself up for fall for it...

And then you click REWIND....
And then REPLAY....
And most probably you realize that your resistance that came earlier had a reason for it...
That there were too many signs that you shouldn't have ignored...
That may be you're the one to blame for the situation you're in...
And you question how did you end up there?!?
AGAIN?!?

Perhaps the void you've had needed to be filled...
So you turn to the quick fix...
Regardless the fact that you know it wouldn't end well....

So you end up with nothing but...
Guilt...
Regret...
Humiliation...
Depression...
Sadness...
Stupidity....
Self-Blame...
Stress...
Insanity...

And a truth so ugly...
That  you're destined to carry on your own...
Add to the list of thoughts you want to forget...
Experiences you could have avoided living...
Unneeded self humility...

And all you have left is nothing but...
More rewinding and replaying...
Hoping you find an explanation...
Or figuring out how you ended up there...
Blaming yourself and only yourself...
Looking for a way out...
Or a way back...

BUT...
The truth remains the truth...
And it's UGLY!

Reasons We Girls Smile...

There are so many reasons why we girls smile... Sometimes they're honest smiles and sometimes they're not... most probably every smile we've got has it's own meaning... a meaning we only know deep down because it reveals our true intentions...

We might smile because we really like someone or what's going on, or we might smile because we want to pretend like we like what's going on.

There is a smile that carries a lot of innocence with every thing this word could mean... and there is a smile that could carry seduction and an evil plan....

We might smile because we honestly carry good feelings for the moment or we could smile to hide loads of hatred and disappointment...

We might smile because we've just seen you, herd your voice or have you near...

We might smile because we're really out of words, nothing in the world would say how we feel or we could just have nothing to say and we're trying to avoid conversation. We might smile because we're completely indulged in whatever it is you're saying or we're just trying to seem interested...

Our smile could really mean we're truly happy and dancing deep inside or we could be smiling in order to hide utter and complete sadness and heart break...

We might smile because you're funny, or because we want you to think you're funny. Because we get what you mean or because we actually want to get you!

There is a smile that shows excitement, support and pleasure and there is one that hides anxiety, panic and fear...

We might smile because we love you or we might smile to make you think we love you. We might also smile in hopes that you would love us back. We might smile because we have you in our life, we might smile just thinking about you and we might smile because you just walked away.

We might smile as a replacement to saying we love you, we miss you, to thank you or to let you know we're happy you're there...

Sometimes we smile because you've taken us by great surprise...  or to hide the fact that we were expecting more..

We could smile at an inside joke we share or at the fact that we share nothing...

Sometimes we smile because we know it makes us look good...

Our smile could be naive and could mean that we fell for your game or it could mean that we're smiling because we know exactly what's going on and that we're being played.

We might smile because we've gone shopping and even more we smile because you're the one who paid...

We might smile because we know it makes you feel good and secure that things are okay...

Girls smile for so many different reasons... some are good and honest, coming deep from the heart and some are deceiving. Most of the time they're true smiles... Point is a girl's smile is always a charm... it's your call to know what that smile carries deep down because most probably... we'd never tell :)

2011... Is It REALLY a BAD Year?!

SO... whenever we refer to a bad year... we often refer to it in terms of stuff that happen to us on a personal level. However, 2011 is a bad year on a global level... I don't think anyone can argue with that!

Truly on a global level I think this by far is the year of natural disasters, famines, wars, deaths, disease, revolutions... So globally, I got to admit it IS a bad year and I'm really hoping the last day passes by smoothly, free of more catastrophes or more dramatic surprises!

HOWEVER...
Moving to a more personal level; which given our selfish human nature is usually the main way we judge things.... I STILL cannot make up my mind regarding whether it was a good or bad year...

Emotionally speaking... I've lost some very precious people that I hoped I'd be able to have for keeps! I was disappointed and hurt for a very long time and that made most of 2011 win the award for being the worst emotional year ever. I've also realized some friends, well are not really people you can count on...

On the ambitious and practical side of life... well, I GOT my masters degree and that was the highlight of the year. True, it came towards the last two weeks of the year... but it sort of changed 2011 around from being the worst year to being the best year ever... and ever since this achievement, all of a sudden I can't claim that 2011 is a bad year anymore! It kind of made me realize a lot of good things that I let the "emotional" stuff cover up and hide!

Even more... 2011 was the  best in my career history; I made new friends whom all have become so important and precious to me and towards the very end of it I've realized that some old friends are still gold and that there are people who can still see me from a unique and special perspective even if others did not! I've seen some of my friends in their happiest moments as well! And all that together made 2011, an OKAY year after all!

So UNLIKE any other year... where the personal stuff were worst than the global stuff... 2011 has been terrible on the global level (see my next post)... But on a personal level, although it started like the worst year ever; by the last quarter it smiled at me... and it smiled at me BIG! 

So my last words would be: Good Bye 2011, with your good, your bad and definitively your unexpected! Some days were terrible but all in all, it did pass and I learned a lot from every single experience and every single person! 2012... I'm hoping for the best, this year I'm trying optimism... Even more, globally I, like Miss Congeniality, do hope for World Peace!

Lyrics I Love...

Can we pretend that airplanes, In the night sky, Are like shooting star, I could really use a wish right now" "When I see your face. There's not a thing that I would change. Just the way you are. And when you smile. The whole world stops and stares for a while. 'Cause girl you're amazing.The way you are." "I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you. I have been waiting all my life." "I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard. And got so far. But in the end. It doesn't even matter." "When we collide we come together. If we don't we'll always be apart. I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it. When you hit me hit me hard." "Im not afraid of anything in this world. There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard." "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be coming home again." "Let me be the one you call. If you jump I'll break your fall. Lift you up and fly away with you into the nigh. If you need to fall apart. I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn. You're not alone" "When you're broken in a million little pieces. And you're trying but you can't hold on  anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in yourself. When you're broken." "Butterfly well you landed on my mind. Damn right you landed on my ear and then you crawled inside. And now I see you perfectly behind closed eyes. I want to fly with you and I don't want to lie to you." "Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven." "Things aren’t the way they were before. You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore.  Not that you knew me back then. But it all comes back to me in the end." "I’m no beauty queen. I’m just beautiful me." "I had a dream my life would be. So different from the hell I'm living. So different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed." "I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy, I'll be your hope I'll be your love, Be everything that you need, I'll love you more with every breath,Truly, madly, deeply do, I will be strong I will be faithful, 'cause I'm counting on, A new beginning, A reason for living

A deeper meaning," "And if the night runs over. And if the day wont last. And if our way should falter. Along the stony pass. Its just a moment. This time will pass." "Hitting walls and getting scars . Only makes you who you are. Only makes you who you are. No matter how much your heart is aching. There is beauty in the breaking.""I could use a dream or a genie or a wish. To go back to a place much simpler than this" "And I know some day that it’ll all turn out. You'll make me work so we can work to work it out" "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love. Like I'm the only one who knows your heart." Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in. No one else, no one else. Can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten." "I've put my trust in you. Pushed as far as I can go. For all this there’s only one thing you should know:I tried so hard, And got so far, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter, I had to fall, To lose it all, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter." "I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time" "Oh I know that the music's fine. Like sparklin' wine, go and have your fun. Laugh and sing, but while we're apart. Don't give your heart to anyone. But don't forget who's takin' you home. And in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin' save the last dance for me." "I love you like a fat kid loves cake." "Have you ever loved and lost somebody. Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry." "There comes a time where you fade to the blackness. And when you're staring at that phone in your lap. And you hoping but them people never call you back."  "What am I suppose to do, When the best part of me was always you and, What am I suppose to say, When I'm all choked up and you're okay." "Someday love will find you. Break those chains that bind you. One night will remind you. How we touched and went our separate ways." "Better days are gonna find you once again. Every piece will find its place."

Holding On...

Holding on to dreams can be hectic... especially after several trials to fulfill them that end with failure. Or after clear signs that tell you that achieving them is kind of impossible... 


I don't have much to say when it comes to such situations except that I pray for one of two things:

• Either God helps me achieve my dream OR
• God helps me let go of my dream

Either way I'd be more than happy... but being stuck at a cross road is just annoying... not being able to get what I want and not being able to let it go... both feelings are just overwhelming, tiring and frustrating...

Of course achieving my dream would make me dance around in circles... but if that won't happen letting go would also making me dance around in even bigger circles... 

I'm have dreams that I'm holding on too... and I'm not getting them achieved and that is stressing me out, frustrating me and it's all I think about day in and day out... And that depressing me and making me sad and make me doubt my confidence... So I'm hoping time passes by and I get to the point where I look back at these times and LAUGH...

So achieving them or not all I want is to laugh about my dreams for a change.


-sigh!

Complexity of Human Emotions...

Sometimes I really wish all people were equal to me... No one was more special than the other, no one was differentiated... No one was more loved or more hated....

And why is that... it's because of the complexity of human emotions... or perhaps it is just my complexity... I really dunno!

But some stuff do make me wonder...

Sometimes we argue with someone and we're completely okay with it; we speak after weeks or months (or we never do) and the whole thing doesn't even bother us... but come to argue the same exact argument with someone else and it's all you can think about and not speaking to them for several hours seems like the worst thing that has ever happened to you...

With other people, things just don't work out well for any random reason... and you really don't care or give 2 hoots; but on the other hand... things don't work out with someone else and you stay for days and nights, months and even years saying what if they had worked out... what if I did things differently, what if I was more patient... what if what if what if...

Sometimes we end things at a bad note with others and we really don't give a crap about how bad we might look to them and what they might think of us... but on the other hand, with someone else you really work hard on proving that you're a good person, you still care what they think although it won't ever work out and deep down you want to go back and change the way things ended...

How come sometimes you feel you were rude to someone (intentionally or unintentionally) and you are okay with it; while others... you beat yourself up for it every time you remember!

How come you give up on some people and it doesn't even cross your mind that you did, but others, you keep wishing everyday you were more patient, you keep telling yourself you didn't give them enough space or time... you keep asking yourself how on Earth did I give up on such a valuable person?

How come it's so easy to tell some people it's over, but others, you're not able to speak the words 'cause you're too scared of losing them?

How come we sometimes don't speak to people for years and then you remember it's their birthday and you quickly pick up the phone and wish them; while others.... no matter how much you want to make the call, you just can't get yourself to do it 'cause "hypothetically," you've moved on...

Actually, how come we sometimes forget the birthdays of our direct family members, but others, whom no longer exist in our lives we still remember their birthday every single year...

Why is it that some people just don't leave any sort of print in your life, but others, when you meet someone with their same name... you get lost for a few minutes in your own world of thoughts and you either frown or smile...

And how come, it easy to tell some people how much you love them, miss them and how life would be hell without them but others... you can't say it 'cause you're trying really hard to hide the fact that you do love them, miss them and that life without them is living hell 'cause you're the only one who knows that to that particular person these words mean differently?

How come some people that were once very close to you, now don't matter anymore and it doesn't bother you, but others, that you might have never really seen before matter so much and you keep wishing you really got to know them better?

How is it that there are people so close to us and we speak to them everyday then all of a sudden we get distant and you accept moving on; but others, letting go seems to be the hardest thing ever?

How come we sometimes see the rationale behind something not working out and the need to end things, but with others... grasping that parting ways is the right thing to do is just beyond your imagination and capabilities?

How come some people walk in and out of our lives and we never look back, but others, you might know the for an hour, a day or a year and they are able to cross your mind every single day as you open your eyes and before you go to sleep.

This list can go on forever really...

Sometimes I wish all people were equal to me... I love caring about people and I love having special people in my life that matter to me... but it has its downfalls too! Sometimes I wish that with all people once things are over and done I don't look back, I don't think twice and I don't say what if... But the point is... they're all people who walked out of our lives... people who took their chances one way or the other and left... things have ended because of you or them... the point is it ended and it's over! So in fact they are equal... but it's the complexity of our emotions that makes it harder from one person to the other...

And I wonder if some people who really do/did matter to me, but things did not work out with them for any reason... am I someone they look back to and remember or was it an easy case to them that they never flash back to... do they ever ask what if?

The only thing I'm sure of is that I really DO NOT want to know the answer to this last question!

The Two Boys Who Make Me Smile...

The two boys who make me smile are the very same two boys who make me cry…

Almost every day, as I drive back from work I see them… The most two gorgeous boys anyone could possibly look at… they’re probably brothers, aged 8 and 5… and they are just so overwhelming…

You look at them and you can tell that all they have is each other…

Well, they’re street children… but I dunno what to do or how to help…

Sometimes I smile… sometimes I try to do a little more… it does make them happy, maybe for just a few seconds… but that’s it; which is really nothing…

I was once driving and I passed right next to them and the little one was sitting half on the sidewalk and half on the street where all the cars were moving… so I told him, “at least sit entirely on the sidewalk so you don’t get hurt.” - like that's a smart thing to say...

I kept an eye on him in the reverse mirror; for minute he stared at my car and then he got up and tried to find a safe spot to sit in… dude… all that kid needs is someone to take care of him and it makes me sad!

It pisses me off that a little kid should be carrying such heavy weight on his shoulders…

And as much seeing them care for each other makes me smile… as much as it kills me inside that every day the innocence on their faces is wearing out…

And believe me, when I pass by and they’re not there, I can’t wait till the next day to see if they’ll be there… as if maybe being on the street right there is possibly a safe place… but at least I know they’re there and not anywhere worst…

– sighs…