The Ugly Truth...

The truth as a matter of fact is always ugly...

Some stuff walk into our lives... confidently and fiercely... we try to resist them...
Then they assure us that they are realities...
And insist....
And they forcefully impose themselves into our lives...
Until we actually get used to them being there...
And we start accepting them as part of our lives...
We start to take what they say for granted...
And believe it...
And create stories in our heads about them...
We adjust ourselves that they've become part of our life..
Even for a while...
But we assume it'll last...
Because they told us so...
We get into a mind set that they're here to stay...
That maybe an imaginary story we had...
May turn into reality...

BUT then...
Once we do get attached...
The withdrawal starts...

We realize that perhaps we took what they said for granted...
May be a little too far...
And it confuses you...
When you realize that perhaps you have built sand castles...

The truth comes to you as a strong slap on the face...
Because all you've heard was not necessarily from the heart...

And you beat yourself up for fall for it...

And then you click REWIND....
And then REPLAY....
And most probably you realize that your resistance that came earlier had a reason for it...
That there were too many signs that you shouldn't have ignored...
That may be you're the one to blame for the situation you're in...
And you question how did you end up there?!?
AGAIN?!?

Perhaps the void you've had needed to be filled...
So you turn to the quick fix...
Regardless the fact that you know it wouldn't end well....

So you end up with nothing but...
Guilt...
Regret...
Humiliation...
Depression...
Sadness...
Stupidity....
Self-Blame...
Stress...
Insanity...

And a truth so ugly...
That  you're destined to carry on your own...
Add to the list of thoughts you want to forget...
Experiences you could have avoided living...
Unneeded self humility...

And all you have left is nothing but...
More rewinding and replaying...
Hoping you find an explanation...
Or figuring out how you ended up there...
Blaming yourself and only yourself...
Looking for a way out...
Or a way back...

BUT...
The truth remains the truth...
And it's UGLY!

Sleepless Nights Crying...

So in contrary to my previous post about smiling this post is about my very long, sleepless nights spent crying!

Well, for the last few months I've had this thing that has started out in my life... at first it just kept me up all nights, many nights in a row... just staring at the ceiling hoping the night goes by... hoping that with the break of dawn things get better... and that keeping myself busy would distract me from all the pain...

Apparently I was wrong... because the pain just kept getting worst and worst... because before I just starred at the ceiling hoping the time goes by... aware of every clock "tick" "tock" BUT then it the pain got stronger and more intense. I would spend every single night crying... and nothing and I mean nothing I would do would seize my pain. I though of every way possible to make the pain stop. You name it, I thought of it! I even thought of physical ways with which I can end the pain... taking things into my own hands, doing the extreme measures.

I tried to do whatever I can to patch things up... I tried quick fixes and long term fixes. I tried helping myself and tried getting external help. Every possible patch I've tried. I tried my best in order to keep the final detachment as a last resort.

But as you'd expect... things would get better for just a short time and then I'd be back to square one... "sleepless nights crying;" even more the pain would get worst and worst....

I've reached to a point where I lost hope... like this cycle would never end... it because a living nightmare... how come something be so painful... how can it keep coming back no matter how much you try to fix it or push it away....

And then I decided I've had enough... it's time for this mess to end. The final detachment needs to happen. These quick fixes aren't working and things end up screwed again, probably getting worst.

So.. I finally STOPPED the pain and pulled it out of my system. And it wasn't easy! And unexpectedly complicated! And for a while... it hurt even more than the actual pain!

But it ended!

Right now I'm experiencing some withdrawal symptoms... the lingering pain... the final remains... but I'm getting better.

Sometimes remembering it even gives me the shivers.

And of course there is a scar left there to remind me daily of the hell I've been through...

But things are improving. Each day more than the day before.
I'm healing... gladly.

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And now... go back and read every single line of this post again. This time with a fresh a mind... because I wasn't talking about a person, like most of you probably thought, I was talking about one hell of a tooth that has keeping me up for nights and nights and finally last Saturday after several effort to fix it from cavity remove to root canals and crowns... I've pulled it out in one hell of a complicated, hurtful procedure. Because that tooth, just couldn't come out easy! It had to break into little pieces making my life even harder. But it's out and I'm relieved....
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Funny how the human mind sometimes works....

Takes Something, Gives Something...

So life.. clearly and obviously doesn't give us everything we want. And ya.. sometimes we feel like nothing is going right.

However if we actually take time to realize... life isn't so unfair after all. I know I'm contradicting every other miserable post I've written... But fact is when life takes something, it gives you another.

I've lately been going through some dark and twisted phase. In the same time... God has sent me two guarding angels to be there for me every step of the way. Usually, if that had happened to me, I would have been absorbed in misery and sadness and even grief.


INSTEAD... 
I've really been blessed with two amazingly supportive, fun and understanding friends who are with me day in and out, morning and night, at work, outside, on the phone, on bbm, on Twitter... 24/7 distracting me, telling me that it's not the end of the world, that I deserve better and that things will get better.  It's like God sent them to me right before my problem so they can help me get through with it. 

They even make me laugh in my most difficult moments. Today I can't believe I laughed this much. The none stop kind of laughter. This would have never happened... I've been me for a while and I pretty much know I would have been sinking in depression, hating everyone and everything. I would have been crying and excluding myself on the side!

I can't explain how much I'm glad with this friendship and how much I truly value it... but I can honestly say if it weren't for them these days would have been unbearable. True I am upset and down from the way things may have turned out to me... but seriously it's going a lot better than I had expected. In the middle of all this, one of my hardest moments ever, I'm able to see something positive! 

Yesterday they got my an engraved bracelet that read: "May your days all be blessed with the presence of an angel watching over you!"

Ladies, you are my angels.

It may seem like a 6th grade corny best friends for ever necklace kind of thing to do. But it means the world to me.

Thanks! I mean it!

So ya life may take something but it sure does give another. It may take something that is replaceable but it gives you something that is for keeps.

Booba and Amy... you sure are for keeps!