Our conscious decision to make ourselves miserable!

Do we sometimes enjoy making ourselves miserable? I often wonder if I sometimes voluntarily make an active decision to make myself miserable... For example you're trying to diet yet you decide to a chocolate; you're overloaded with work yet you chose to procrastinate or you know someone is a perfect mismatch for you yet you continue to over obsesses about them... The list can really go on.

However, what is common among all of these cases is the fact that you know the outcome of something cannot possibly be good, yet you become this weak, pathetic person with no will what-so-ever and you give in and do something stupid.

But then - I come back and say; this is human nature. We are born with weaknesses; it doesn't make us pathetic.

So I give myself a pat on the back - tell myself I'm okay, it is not the end of the world and I pull through. I think the right words are, I convince myself that it is okay to continue being stupid. I hate to admit it, but I think the best word for it is denial - in return of course to momentary and temporary happiness.

But that is not what really drives me crazy!

What I find insane is the fact that it hurts when you realize you got to pull the plug and step back into reality. That you cannot live in denial anymore. For some reason, despite the fact that you have always knew the outcome was not going to be good, coming in terms with it and accepting it still take you by surprise. And hurts you like you didn't see it coming.

When you realize that this was the last time! That the next time you run into this person things will not be the same again. That the spark of hope you once fooled yourself with will no longer exist.

And I ask myself... why the hell did I put myself through this? Why did I allow myself to let "me" down! 

And the truth is - I have no idea! And that pisses me off even more! 

I Don't Care

I often feel bad about myself for caring too much. I feel that people perceive this care as a sign of weakness. And that in front of a selfish and mean person my care would portray me as stupid. It may also seem like I am naive when I care about someone who has hurt me once or twice before.

Hence, people assume that because I care, sometimes too much I admit, it would be okay to use and sometime abuse me. Since I am a bit selflessness then I'm the punch bag. That it's okay to mess up; I'd always be forgiving anyways.

Well, that obviously doesnt make me too happy. It makes me feel bad about and for myself. The result is I convince myself that I need to urgently change. I tell myself that I cannot allow others to think that it's okay to  use me.

However, that being said... I figured... If my character downfall is "care" I can live with it. I'd rather be a caring person rather than being known for "hurting people".

So, yes I do care! The only thing I don't care about is what people think of me because of it!

~ Sigh!

The Ugly Truth...

The truth as a matter of fact is always ugly...

Some stuff walk into our lives... confidently and fiercely... we try to resist them...
Then they assure us that they are realities...
And insist....
And they forcefully impose themselves into our lives...
Until we actually get used to them being there...
And we start accepting them as part of our lives...
We start to take what they say for granted...
And believe it...
And create stories in our heads about them...
We adjust ourselves that they've become part of our life..
Even for a while...
But we assume it'll last...
Because they told us so...
We get into a mind set that they're here to stay...
That maybe an imaginary story we had...
May turn into reality...

BUT then...
Once we do get attached...
The withdrawal starts...

We realize that perhaps we took what they said for granted...
May be a little too far...
And it confuses you...
When you realize that perhaps you have built sand castles...

The truth comes to you as a strong slap on the face...
Because all you've heard was not necessarily from the heart...

And you beat yourself up for fall for it...

And then you click REWIND....
And then REPLAY....
And most probably you realize that your resistance that came earlier had a reason for it...
That there were too many signs that you shouldn't have ignored...
That may be you're the one to blame for the situation you're in...
And you question how did you end up there?!?
AGAIN?!?

Perhaps the void you've had needed to be filled...
So you turn to the quick fix...
Regardless the fact that you know it wouldn't end well....

So you end up with nothing but...
Guilt...
Regret...
Humiliation...
Depression...
Sadness...
Stupidity....
Self-Blame...
Stress...
Insanity...

And a truth so ugly...
That  you're destined to carry on your own...
Add to the list of thoughts you want to forget...
Experiences you could have avoided living...
Unneeded self humility...

And all you have left is nothing but...
More rewinding and replaying...
Hoping you find an explanation...
Or figuring out how you ended up there...
Blaming yourself and only yourself...
Looking for a way out...
Or a way back...

BUT...
The truth remains the truth...
And it's UGLY!

The Bright Side...

We often get gloomy and depressed, we often decide that the world is such a dark and twisted place! Okie, let me rephrase! I often think the work is dark and twisted! I loose sight of all the good stuff that could have happened in my life... and the good stuff that continue to happen every single day.

Anyhow... sometimes I get those moments when I start cursing my entire life from the moment it started... I don't see except all the bad stuff! It seriously drains me!

But then a little thing happens and it reminds me with all the great stuff in my life.

SO what's the little thing that happened!? Well my brother posted the below picture to my Facebook wall... and it really got me to remember my life as a little kid! I used to do this! My childhood was awesome! My childhood is just one of the pretty amazing things in my life!

Let me just list a few of the things that we stop noticing after a while because they have become inevitable:

My great family...
That my mom still hugs me every morning when I wake up...
My good health...
My amazing childhood memories...
The fact that I have all my needs...
The fact that I can get most of my wants...
My education...
My friends...
That most nights I get a good night's sleep...
That in the end of the day, there are no massive problems to worry me or keep me up all night...
Actually, the fact that I've got a cozy bed at home waiting for me every night... 
That I can still smile...
That regardless of what I say and how much I whine, I do have people who care about me...
That I've got a brother who'd remember me when he sees a picture like this.. would send it to me 'cause he know it would make my day...

Point is those things have become part of our routines so we don't realize their importance. We don't realize that those little things are what keep us going. That if they're gone we'd realize the impact they have on our lives.

If every time we get gloomy, enter into the dark and twisted depressed mood... IF we take the moment to remember at least 1 of those little things that make us happy, or at least make us smile... trust me, things would be bright again!

My Freakin' Enemy: IN-CONFIDENCE!

If there is anything I hate in life it's those moments when I loose all confidence in myself. Those moments when I let anyone in the world make me feel or even believe like I'm not good enough!

I hate them! They seriously 'cause me great emotional damage!

I hate it when I feel so imperfect, as if it would be impossible for any one to accept me for who I am! As if I'm repelling or unbearable! As if it's too much to ask to be accepted for who i am! As if who I am is really an example of the worst person in the world!

Those disgusting moments when you feel people are drifting away from you just because they started to really get to know you. When you feel that even the people who once liked you are no longer able to be with you because of the person you to turned out to be!

Every time I start telling myself... may be I'm not too bad after all! Every time I start seeing some light! Every time I feel that people might start to really accept me as a whole, with my good and bad! Every time I start telling myself that I was wrong, that may be I'm not as bad as I always thought I'm quickly reminded that it's easy for anyone to let me go! That if I were to actually go I wouldn't be missed! That if people were given a choice between letting me go and trying to work things out, they'd easily choose to let me go! That people don't look back when I'm gone... no regrets! Maybe it's actually a relief!

I've come to a point where I warn people about me! Tell them, don't worry, once you really get to know me, you'll soon realize I'm not that good! Probably not good at all! Because fact is, every time I start getting comfortable, every time I start to let my guard down and just be me... people walk away!

Sometimes I loose interesting in getting to know people, because believe it or not... I pretty much know how it ends! People hating me... and me hating myself even more!

I actually start doubting myself, being too harsh on myself... judging myself... taking all the blame for everything and anything that goes wrong!

Those days when I feel like no one in the world can stand me just because of who I am! Those days when I feel my destiny of being alone forever has really been determined! Those are the days I hate the most!

Simple to some of you, people may say: "find out what's driving people away, and change it!" Easier said than done really! What if what drives them away is who I really am! Something in the deep core of my personality! Something I really cannot change! Something I can't fix or improve! I did and do try to change a lot, I keep telling myself, they must have a point! But I truly fail at changing the core of who I am!

If people can't really accept me for who I am... then what the hell am I living for! To change and be molded into the person others want to me to be! So I can fit into their life the way they want me to fit, regardless of who I am.

I don't really ask anyone to change for me! I never tried to even change them! I really go beyond all I stand for and I accept people the way they are. I absorb them completely! Their bad before their good! I have no problem compromising or looking at the bright side! I tend to overcome a lot of bad, just for a few good! If I have it in me to see forgive and go past what ever faults they have, why can't they do the same!!?? Yet everyone just tends to look at the half empty when it comes to me!

And it annoys me when it really gets to me! When I myself starting seeing the half empty! Like I forget anything that could be good about me! Sometimes I even stop to think there is anything good about me! I come to a point where I see the cup fully empty! 

They keep judging me and judging me and judging me... and framing me into these horrible characters. Once, twice and trice until I believe that I'm this person! I step back and silently agree to what they say! Even if I try to fight back and defend myself, deep down I'm crushed! Deep down, I sometimes or even most of the time believe I'm horrible person! Deep down I'm just upset that I need to defend myself simply for who I am! 

And my defeat and silence and acceptance do not always come from utter believe that their judgement of me is true. It comes from the fact that I've given up to prove that I'm a good person. Or an okay person at least! That I'm not really someone who is self absorbed into their own thing, who refuses to accept what others say! Who sees things just from their angle!

I do admit I have my own issues! I can go on for lists and lists about all the stuff about me that are wrong and disgusting! But I tell myself everyone has their own share of crap! Their own problems! No one is perfect.. everyone messes up! I can't be that bad! At least I hope I can't be that bad! 

Sometimes I wish people would take time to invest into getting to know me... at least to create fair a judgement of who I am. It drives me nuts when people think they have me figured out when they haven't. And regardless of what I do... they rarely ever change their minds! I hate it when they simply start believing things about who  I am that aren't necessarily true! I just wish people would really give me a fair chance to show who I really am!

But again... I come to think... it's impossible that everyone is wrong... that everyone hasn't really given me a chance! Something must be wrong... something must be so repelling! It can't possibly be that everyone lacks the ability to truly understand me!

I start telling myself, if I was really someone else... I'd probably not like me either! What's there to like? And that really sucks! It makes me want to throw up! My stomach goes in knots and I really loose the ability to breath!

I start seeing one fault after the other! I keep telling myself maybe I should change! May be I'm really not that good! May be I'm not good at all! Something must really be wrong, annoying and offensive about who I am. Something so strong that it pushes people away every single time.

May be I lack the ability to show the good in me! Or may be I have a problem that makes people misunderstand me, or personify as this unbearable person! Or may be I'm really just a terrible person! I end up wondering, if i don't really like myself, how do I expect people to like me!?

And this moments where I'm in-confident about who I am and everything about me is a killer! Because in these moments I'm really assertive that I'm not someone, anyone would want for keeps!

The disgusting fact is I don't know if this is a phase I go through or if I'm really this repelling character! Because apparently this phase is something I go through a lot! All I know is that I hate the feeling! This feeling is my true enemy because when it conquers me... it really starts pulling me backwards until I completely sink back! It fully drains my energy!

When it hits me... I really have no reason to keep going! I become restless towards everyone and everything! Life looses purpose! There seems to be no point in continuity! Like there is no hope for things to change! In-confidence is my enemy and I wish it would give me a break! 

Lost..

Lately I'm just lost.

Too much of everything is going on and I'm not focused on any of them. There is too much work, too much studying, too much emotions, too many activities, a lot of drama, a lot of terrible discoveries, a lot of mixed feelings, a lot of personal conflicts, a lot of undefined emotions... 

I personally don't know if I'm okay! I'm just letting the days slip. All similar to one another. I'm fooling myself saying I'm okie... saying since the days are rolling it means I'm okie... but whenever I have a free minute, when I look deeply into my life I realize I'm a mess! A walking wreck! 

When I really think about I realize nothing is actually going right! I feel I have too many problems to really know where to start. So I choose to let it all go... fool myself into saying things didn't really happen! 

If you ask me why am I bringing it up now... I'd tell you last three - four weeks have been incredibly insane... in every aspect... and I'm still holding up. Every time I come to get into the details of the events I fall in disbelief and choose not to. I prefer ignoring them and being in denial for a change... 

My plan is basically to drain my energy out so when the night hits, I simply fall flat on my face and sleep in no time, giving myself no time to thing. 

I'm choosing to be lost because if I think too much I'll end up depressed and in loads of self pitty. So I'm choosing indifference. It's bugging me that I can't really define how I feel, but all I can say is that indifference seems to doing me right at the moment! I'd rather be lost than focused on the amount of crap I got going on! 

Oh well whatever... it's really whatever makes you go through the night!

Takes Something, Gives Something...

So life.. clearly and obviously doesn't give us everything we want. And ya.. sometimes we feel like nothing is going right.

However if we actually take time to realize... life isn't so unfair after all. I know I'm contradicting every other miserable post I've written... But fact is when life takes something, it gives you another.

I've lately been going through some dark and twisted phase. In the same time... God has sent me two guarding angels to be there for me every step of the way. Usually, if that had happened to me, I would have been absorbed in misery and sadness and even grief.


INSTEAD... 
I've really been blessed with two amazingly supportive, fun and understanding friends who are with me day in and out, morning and night, at work, outside, on the phone, on bbm, on Twitter... 24/7 distracting me, telling me that it's not the end of the world, that I deserve better and that things will get better.  It's like God sent them to me right before my problem so they can help me get through with it. 

They even make me laugh in my most difficult moments. Today I can't believe I laughed this much. The none stop kind of laughter. This would have never happened... I've been me for a while and I pretty much know I would have been sinking in depression, hating everyone and everything. I would have been crying and excluding myself on the side!

I can't explain how much I'm glad with this friendship and how much I truly value it... but I can honestly say if it weren't for them these days would have been unbearable. True I am upset and down from the way things may have turned out to me... but seriously it's going a lot better than I had expected. In the middle of all this, one of my hardest moments ever, I'm able to see something positive! 

Yesterday they got my an engraved bracelet that read: "May your days all be blessed with the presence of an angel watching over you!"

Ladies, you are my angels.

It may seem like a 6th grade corny best friends for ever necklace kind of thing to do. But it means the world to me.

Thanks! I mean it!

So ya life may take something but it sure does give another. It may take something that is replaceable but it gives you something that is for keeps.

Booba and Amy... you sure are for keeps!

Question to Life...

I'm literally bored... and when I'm bored I get a lot of time thinking which is something I officially hate 'cause I end up depressed...

So during my thinking process today, I ended up pissed at life (as usual, it comes along with being depressed)... I asked my myself a lot of stuff and then I realized they all revolve around one thing and pretty much one thing only!

Can we go on with life and never get what we want!?

Why is it that we're always unsatisfied? Is it a human greed? We never get enough? Once you get something you start searching for the next? OR is life really unfair to the extent that you can go on for ever and ever and ever and just never get what you want? Is it possible that we just end up praying for something and never getting it? Will we spend our lives just imagining how our life would turn out IF we ever get what we want? 

To me that's just a load of depressing crap!

Sometimes, perhaps to appease my anger, I tell myself that main problem is that we want the wrong stuff!

This issue has been nagging me for a while... I've always been questioning life, blaming life for being annoying and unfair! Sometimes even mean and harsh! 

I've just always felt it was easier blaming it on life... like it is never my fault things don't turn out well! 

UNTIL...

A few days ago a friend asked if I could help put some of his thoughts in writing... ACTUALLY he brought something to light under MY eye... maybe it's not that life is mean or that we wish for the wrong stuff! Maybe we actually don't know what we want! Maybe we lack an understanding of what it is that makes us happy and satisfied. 

Maybe we're not patient enough to wait for the right thing to happen! 

Hence we end going through all the wrong paths hoping to find what we want... or hoping to find the answers we keep looking for. We keep searching for whatever we hope gives us the satisfactory feeling of that missing element in our life!

Perhaps... we feel life that life does't give us what we want  because we ourselves don't know what we want.

We keep hoping that we get something or the other... but do we know if we actually want it? Are we sure that it will give us the feeling of completion... the satisfaction and happiness that we're looking for? Or is it just another wrong path we're taking!? Another puddle of confusion we're throwing ourselves in?

I guess this "WHAT IF" element to life is what drives us mad! Makes us feel helpless... unsatisfied and full of questions... Questions that can't be answered... because "what if" could simply happen, or not... and if it happens can just have a million different answers and outcomes! 

We keep hoping that others would understand us better, give us a chance... or simply hear us out! But do we even understand ourselves, do we hear them out... Do we even understand them!? Do we give life and people what we expect in return or are we just a demanding bunch of whiners?!

So I'm asking life or maybe me... What is it that I want from life? And will I go on forever without knowing what it is or never getting it?

I don't have the answer... I hope someone does!

BUT that doesn't change the fact that sometimes I wish life would give me a break and give me what I want... even if it would give me temporary satisfaction! 

I know, some people would say: this temporary satisfaction may later result in more troubles! 

I'd say: life is full of troubles anyways... some temporary satisfaction wouldn't hurt! It would give me closure knowing the outcomes of what I want, the answers to my "what ifs", that satisfaction that my prayers are answered and that it's possible to get what you want.

Today I'm depressed and hoping for temporary satisfaction.... HOWEVER, believe it or not... DEEP DOWN I do believe in Happy Endings, that Things Do Get Better... and that Satisfaction & Happiness are down the road to all of us! 

Pissed at ME...

I realized it is a lot easier being mad at someone than being mad at your own self.

I spoke earlier about the stupid moments we get in life and how we should try and avoid them. However, that doesn't mean I succeed at doing do every time.

This post is a post-stupid moment and I'm seriously pissed at myself. Regret is eating out my guts cause I could have easily avoided this situation I was put in or at least what I’m current feeling. And it annoys me that I voluntarily placed myself in these shoes.  

I took an action knowing it would lead to crappy endings and I couldn't stop myself from doing it.  I hate that I keep saying next time I'll be stronger, that I’ll have more self control, more sanity, more logic… that next time I'll stick to my own self vows... But I fail myself. And that’s the worst type of failing!

It's hard when you're angry and you can't take it out on anyone because you're the one to blame. You're the one to blame for making yourself look bad... You're the one to blame for your own self humility! The excuses you’re giving yourself don’t make any sense because you already knew it would end badly! Nothing could’ve possibly given you hope that results could be different.

I'm in lots of anger! Yesterday I took a decision to do something and as I did it I already knew I should slap myself on the face a good one. And now the aftermath of it is worst… this feeling of regret is a serious killer for me! And I can’t believe I did that to myself!

I'm back to having a knot in my stomach. This feeling as if I've seen is ghost is deeply hated. I hate it. I actually hate me right now!

Holding On...

Holding on to dreams can be hectic... especially after several trials to fulfill them that end with failure. Or after clear signs that tell you that achieving them is kind of impossible... 


I don't have much to say when it comes to such situations except that I pray for one of two things:

• Either God helps me achieve my dream OR
• God helps me let go of my dream

Either way I'd be more than happy... but being stuck at a cross road is just annoying... not being able to get what I want and not being able to let it go... both feelings are just overwhelming, tiring and frustrating...

Of course achieving my dream would make me dance around in circles... but if that won't happen letting go would also making me dance around in even bigger circles... 

I'm have dreams that I'm holding on too... and I'm not getting them achieved and that is stressing me out, frustrating me and it's all I think about day in and day out... And that depressing me and making me sad and make me doubt my confidence... So I'm hoping time passes by and I get to the point where I look back at these times and LAUGH...

So achieving them or not all I want is to laugh about my dreams for a change.


-sigh!

Busy Days…

Personally, I love holidays and having nothing to do… these times are a great reward!

However... these holidays are good when I'm in perfect and relaxed mood... when I have the intention to enjoy them...they need a particular mind set...

But there are times… when I have a problem or something bothering me…. During these times I really don’t like holidays… on the contrary I love busy days...

When this happens... free time just means sitting with loads of “time” to depress myself even more with negative thoughts… and… even if I try doing something I'm distracted and my thoughts are elsewhere…

Free time… when I have problems means that I sit in bed under covers… watching a movie with a big bag of chips… munching away to kill time!

The beauty of busy days is that they DO NOT give me time to think… I'd be caught up from one thing to another… from work, to meetings, to calls, to outings, to shopping, to driving… not a minute to think! - good for me!

I just don’t get any time to think about what’s bothering me… I don’t get the free time to sit and day dream about whatever it is…

I get home… and fall flat on bed and I'd asleep in seconds… rather than tossing and turning for hours … thinking and thinking… and I end up feeling even worst!

Empty days mean… I look at the clock and it’s 2:00 pm… next time I look it’s probably 2:02 pm… - not good!

Busy days mean… I look at the clock and it’s 2:00 pm… next time I look it’s 6:00 pm and before I know it’s already 11:00 pm and looking where my bed is... - perfect!

In busy days times passes faster…

I'm occupied…

I don’t have time to think…

Or to wait for things to happen…

Busy days are good… busy days are important and healthy…

I LOVE busy days... I NEED busy... I ENJOY busy days!

The Two Boys Who Make Me Smile...

The two boys who make me smile are the very same two boys who make me cry…

Almost every day, as I drive back from work I see them… The most two gorgeous boys anyone could possibly look at… they’re probably brothers, aged 8 and 5… and they are just so overwhelming…

You look at them and you can tell that all they have is each other…

Well, they’re street children… but I dunno what to do or how to help…

Sometimes I smile… sometimes I try to do a little more… it does make them happy, maybe for just a few seconds… but that’s it; which is really nothing…

I was once driving and I passed right next to them and the little one was sitting half on the sidewalk and half on the street where all the cars were moving… so I told him, “at least sit entirely on the sidewalk so you don’t get hurt.” - like that's a smart thing to say...

I kept an eye on him in the reverse mirror; for minute he stared at my car and then he got up and tried to find a safe spot to sit in… dude… all that kid needs is someone to take care of him and it makes me sad!

It pisses me off that a little kid should be carrying such heavy weight on his shoulders…

And as much seeing them care for each other makes me smile… as much as it kills me inside that every day the innocence on their faces is wearing out…

And believe me, when I pass by and they’re not there, I can’t wait till the next day to see if they’ll be there… as if maybe being on the street right there is possibly a safe place… but at least I know they’re there and not anywhere worst…

– sighs…