I Don't Care

I often feel bad about myself for caring too much. I feel that people perceive this care as a sign of weakness. And that in front of a selfish and mean person my care would portray me as stupid. It may also seem like I am naive when I care about someone who has hurt me once or twice before.

Hence, people assume that because I care, sometimes too much I admit, it would be okay to use and sometime abuse me. Since I am a bit selflessness then I'm the punch bag. That it's okay to mess up; I'd always be forgiving anyways.

Well, that obviously doesnt make me too happy. It makes me feel bad about and for myself. The result is I convince myself that I need to urgently change. I tell myself that I cannot allow others to think that it's okay to  use me.

However, that being said... I figured... If my character downfall is "care" I can live with it. I'd rather be a caring person rather than being known for "hurting people".

So, yes I do care! The only thing I don't care about is what people think of me because of it!

~ Sigh!

Cheer Me Up Mado!!!

Well by now I'm a pro on my own self cheering up! Yesterday I felt like crap... if you came across my blog you'd have noticed from the FOUR miserable posts (Lost, Distraction, CTRL & My Freaking Enemy...) that I've written that I was pretty much going down the drain!

HOWEVER...
Today, I'm different... I'm more laid back and chilled! Today... I'm smiling!

Do I sound disturbed!? LOL! Ya, I do, even to me... but hell with it! I'm realistic, yesterday I felt like shit! Today I don't! It happens! Today I decided to cheer myself and smile! I decided maybe I shouldn't really make it get to me badly! I decided even if I don't really feel at ease, I should smile and not think about it!

ANYHOW...
Let me tell you my plan on self mediating and cheering up! 

I gotta say, my blog has served me well. I'm the kindda person who feels better after I really express myself!  I write whatever I feel down and BINGO I feel better. If you ask me why, I'd simply tell you, it's amazing to get things off your chest!

For me... if something is annoying me, I need to get it out and speak about it. I need to express it and get it out of my system. I also figured that people don't always wanna hear about my personal issues! No one wants someone who really complains a lot, or makes a big deal outta every single emotion! SO that's where my dear precious blog kicks in. I get out whatever I've got bottled inside out... hence I call it, Garbage of the Soul! --- um, smart ain't I.

True, some people may read it and decide for themselves that I'm a whiner! But, really this is my personal space where I'm entitled to say whatever I want! I've created this blog to help myself feel better, to come and write it down here rather than exploding elsewhere! If they still find it quite disturbing to read... there is a lil "x" up in the corner that they're so likely welcomed to click on! LOL! I don't mean to be rude! But seriously, if no one is willing to hear me out, I might as well find a place to vent! Hehe!

Additionally, I got up this morning, got into my car, my sanctuary, rolled the windows down... hit the music to full blast! I let the cool chilly breeze run through my hair, putting an idiotic smile across my face and sung on the top my lungs with the music and I might have danced a lil :)  and I gotta tell you this insane, kiddish, idiotic feeling is all it really takes to make feel brand new! Makes me relieved... helps me push out all the negative energy I got bottled up. And I do smile a lot and laugh insanely when someone looks at me like I'm crazy!

So ya... yesterday I did feel like crap! I was at the bottom of ocean... pretty much felt like drowning! Today, regardless of what I might be feeling deep down, I'm back on the top floating! At least I'm smiling... and I'm looking forward to get back into the car and enjoy myself again!

So really, all it takes to cheer one is is him/herself! I don't need anyone to come and lift my ego...Me, myself and I are pretty much good at it :) So when I'm down, I know what it takes to make me feel better! I call on the one person I trust, the one person who is always there for me, and I tell her: Cheer Me Up Mado!!! She usually pulls it together, gets over herself and is there for me! 

My Idiocy...

I have a certain idiocy which revolves around making myself feel like crap by making the same mistake twice…

Well, the first time it’s not really a mistake… I do something thinking it would turn out well and then it doesn’t… and then times passes by and the same thing starts over and I still do it!

Some people I’ve given them enough chances, some stuff I know they won’t work for me… yet I go back and talk to them again or do it again!

I know something makes me feel like crap… so why the hell do I put myself through the same thing over and over again… I don’t know!

The only smart answer I can come up with is that I am an idiot!

I really wish I’d stop doing that! I think the bigger problem has to do with me being able to tell myself no! A plain and simple NO! How hard is that? UFF!

I mean it’s only idiotic to do same crap over and over again expecting the outcome to be different!

I don’t blame the people… I don’t blame the circumstances! I blame me… I’ve been there and done that… so why do it again! May be deep down I hope things would be different! Only I know it won’t be!

I previously said I trusted my gut feelings… and they failed me massively! So maybe there are certain stuff and certain people I should just give up about! Some things won't change and I need to accept that and deal with it!

Maybe it has to do with my biggest problem ever… my inability to let go! UF UFF UFFF! I’m really angry at me!!!

People should be moving forward! And starting the same stuff over will just put me back to places I’d rather leave and never get back! It's like I'm moving backwards! And that just sucks!

And I hate it 'cause I then end up feeling like crap! And I've had enough of feeling like crap! I've been saturated with crap as a matter of fact!!

My idiocy is killing me!

-sighs-