CTRL...

I really didn't know what I should call this post..  it's a mix of a lot of things. Many many things! To start of and make it short and simple: as usual I'm pissed at myself! If you ask me why... I'll tell you it's all about CONTROL!

Sometimes I really wanna slap myself. I envy people who display self control and composure. Those who are able to stop themselves before saying something or doing something. Those who have the ability to stop speaking at the right time EVEN when they have stuff to say.

I really look at people with admiration... these people who know how to give the impression that they don't care! Those who know how to treat people coldly. I actually wish to learn from them.

My lack of control as to when to shut up and my urge to say everything on my mind makes me look and sound stupid even to myself! Sometimes I wanna make it look like I don't care! Even when I really do. I've even written earlier my post on how silence can sometimes be gold! 

What's even more annoying, is that little things drive me nuts! Little things that may seem to others unworthy, or undeserving. I'm the kindda person who is driven by emotions at all times. I don't believe that expressing how you feel whatever is it should be upsetting! I think if things didn't matter to me I wouldn't really care if they were going well. If I didn't want to make things better I wouldn't be bothered.

However, I do understand that some people don't like. That some people interpret it different. That it may seem like it's too much at times.

I also hate to reveal that I care too much. For some reason it makes it easier for me to get hurt. Sometimes I say too much... when I over express how I feel and people still choose to be cold and maintain their composure it makes me feel like they don't care even more... hence I get more hurt... and the vicious cycle goes on and on and on forever.

The whole idea of an abundance of emotions being met with rejection or coldness is simply hurting for me.

Even more, when I get comfortable around someone, my concern with controlling my self expression decreases... I feel the room for acceptance increases... my expectations increase... Yet, every time I'm kindda let down.

I can't say I am to blame for who I am... after all others aren't exactly perfect! However, I do acknowledge that they're not to blame either. I do understand that too much emotions can be annoying and frustrating.

This however does not mean that it gives others the right to judge me. It does not mean I need others to feel the need to improve me or make me a better person. Sometimes I even wonder if i accept for who they are, their faults included, there should be more room for acceptance from others towards me as well! Deep down I do believe if someone really took the time to know me they'd understand my intentions and drives they wouldn't be too annoyed!

I refuse to think that people think I'm some project that needs to change in order to fit their schema. My increased emotions tend to show in both negative and positive ways. I'm overly happy when I'm happy and I've overly sad when I'm sad. And I think it's okay to express it! I just don't get why people are okay with it when I'm being positive and are defensive when I'm upset.

I hate that every time something happens I have to go through the hassle of explaining myself... I think it's unfair and hectic. Sometimes I give up on it. And regardless of how much I talk about it, I never get to the point where I feel I've explained my intentions enough. I honestly, speak a lot, yet I cannot find the right words to explain how I feel so I just step back and give up.

I understand that people aren't expected to play a guessing game to figure out my intentions, however I just hope that people are a little more understanding and accepting. I believe, and I could be wrong, that I tend to accept people in which ever way they are, I think some equal treatment would be good.

Yet, it's safe to say that my inability to control myself expression and my high emotional drive has become a serious problem in my life. Minimizing it would certainly make my life and others lives simpler and smoother. It doesn't mean I'll be 100% comfortable or happy. It means I'm setting limitations, it means I gotta think twice before saying anything. I means I just can't be spontaneous anymore. It means I'm around someone I'm just myself around. My silence and distance means I'm upset and that I'm formalizing relationships. But if that solves it, then so be it. 

Sometimes I hope I find my CTRL button. That would make my life easier because every time I'm placed in a situation like this I promise myself that I'd display more control the next time... however I fail, therefore a button might help make life easier! It would be easier if I just click CTRL every time I'm getting too comfortable or too expressive... I really hate showing that I care when the people around me don't equally care!

~sigh!