Crossroads…

I am at this crossroads in my life where I’m not sure where I am or what I should be doing next. I’m not sure there is a purpose behind my existence. I feel like I have tons of potential that I cannot tap into. Like I’m stuck into a life I’ve not chosen or envisioned. In the same time I’m not doing much to change it or get out of this place I am in. And that is more upsetting than the way I feel.

I know I’m not satisfied with where I am… professionally, personally and socially. I know there is so much I want to do… so many different things to the extent that I don’t know what it is exactly that I want to do. I don’t know where I should start.  

I know I want to teach, coach, inspire, do art, be a public speaker, write more, publish something, travel more... In the same time I want to build a career for myself... I'm driven and ambitious and I want to reach places.

I thought I’d be more independent, carefree and spontaneous. In my head, I lead a different life. Like I have another personality that no one got to see, not even myself. I’m starting to doubt it even exists. Like maybe I have to settle that this is who I really am. But I cannot. I refuse to accept this! And I cannot.

I feel old and it is not about the number. True the fact that I’m turning 30 soon is making me think about it more… but it is a lot more than turning 30.

I cannot find my happy place. It is frustrating. And it is hindering me. In everything… in expressing myself and in excelling. I wake up every day and I don’t have any passion or excitement. I feel like I'm diagnosed with chronic boredom.

I wake up with no expectations. And I'm always demotivated. Even the things I’m good at… I’ve become okay! Nothing makes my day… no matter how awesome it is! I cannot give anything anymore. Not at work and not to the dearest people to me.

I don’t think I’m successful, I don’t think I’m beautiful…

But I’m sure I cannot live this way. I look at myself in the mirror… and this is not the person I want to see. Not the way I talk nor the way I walk. I’m not happy with my look or how I feel inside. I don’t recognize myself because this is not at all who I thought I’d be.

I cannot keep on going thinking the best is yet to come. I feel helpless and it pisses me off. I need to change my life, I cannot wait for the change. 

I need to figure it out. I need to be able to be happy with who I am. I can’t find any reason for people to like me, because I don’t like myself right now. I need to get out of this corner I’m stuck in so I can really inspire. I know I can. I’m born to shine! 

What is Stopping You? Umm… Me?

How many days have you woken up and decided today is going to be a better day? Not because you have this hinge that something will be different about it, but because you think you will be able to do things differently.

Personally, I get so many of these days. I wake up with a big smile, super positive… and in that spirit I put my make up on and make sure my hair all puffed up and nice… I dress up, get into my car, stop for my favorite coffee, play my favorite music and starting singing! I’m cheerful!

But then after the second song, pretty much... the old, grumpy, indifferent me comes back. All the negative or pointless thoughts start hitting me, one after the other... "it's been ages since I've been to the gym," about work, my personal life, my family, friends, my social life, the need to go to church more often, my diet, my spirituality, my big dreams around my career, love,‘oh Lord, I’m turning 30 where did my life go?!” And before I know it, my positive outlook to life and my desire to do things differently is gone! Surprisingly most times, nothing has happened to trigger this negativity. 

So I’m really wondering what stops us from keeping the smile, thinking positively, singing in our cars, packing our bags and going on an adventurous trip, working out daily, being really open to expressing what is exactly on your mind, and courageous enough to meet new people? I wish I knew… Sometimes I think it is out of habit that we are inclined to being negative, other times I think it is routine, culture, pressure to do things in certain way, worrying about work, or how people feel, satisfying others… I’m not sure!

But I guess acknowledging that you need that change… is still somehow a good start!