Do we sometimes enjoy making ourselves miserable? I often wonder if I sometimes voluntarily make an active decision to make myself miserable... For example you're trying to diet yet you decide to a chocolate; you're overloaded with work yet you chose to procrastinate or you know someone is a perfect mismatch for you yet you continue to over obsesses about them... The list can really go on.
However, what is common among all of these cases is the fact that you know the outcome of something cannot possibly be good, yet you become this weak, pathetic person with no will what-so-ever and you give in and do something stupid.
But then - I come back and say; this is human nature. We are born with weaknesses; it doesn't make us pathetic.
So I give myself a pat on the back - tell myself I'm okay, it is not the end of the world and I pull through. I think the right words are, I convince myself that it is okay to continue being stupid. I hate to admit it, but I think the best word for it is denial - in return of course to momentary and temporary happiness.
But that is not what really drives me crazy!
What I find insane is the fact that it hurts when you realize you got to pull the plug and step back into reality. That you cannot live in denial anymore. For some reason, despite the fact that you have always knew the outcome was not going to be good, coming in terms with it and accepting it still take you by surprise. And hurts you like you didn't see it coming.
When you realize that this was the last time! That the next time you run into this person things will not be the same again. That the spark of hope you once fooled yourself with will no longer exist.
And I ask myself... why the hell did I put myself through this? Why did I allow myself to let "me" down!
And the truth is - I have no idea! And that pisses me off even more!
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