Busy Days…

Personally, I love holidays and having nothing to do… these times are a great reward!

However... these holidays are good when I'm in perfect and relaxed mood... when I have the intention to enjoy them...they need a particular mind set...

But there are times… when I have a problem or something bothering me…. During these times I really don’t like holidays… on the contrary I love busy days...

When this happens... free time just means sitting with loads of “time” to depress myself even more with negative thoughts… and… even if I try doing something I'm distracted and my thoughts are elsewhere…

Free time… when I have problems means that I sit in bed under covers… watching a movie with a big bag of chips… munching away to kill time!

The beauty of busy days is that they DO NOT give me time to think… I'd be caught up from one thing to another… from work, to meetings, to calls, to outings, to shopping, to driving… not a minute to think! - good for me!

I just don’t get any time to think about what’s bothering me… I don’t get the free time to sit and day dream about whatever it is…

I get home… and fall flat on bed and I'd asleep in seconds… rather than tossing and turning for hours … thinking and thinking… and I end up feeling even worst!

Empty days mean… I look at the clock and it’s 2:00 pm… next time I look it’s probably 2:02 pm… - not good!

Busy days mean… I look at the clock and it’s 2:00 pm… next time I look it’s 6:00 pm and before I know it’s already 11:00 pm and looking where my bed is... - perfect!

In busy days times passes faster…

I'm occupied…

I don’t have time to think…

Or to wait for things to happen…

Busy days are good… busy days are important and healthy…

I LOVE busy days... I NEED busy... I ENJOY busy days!

I'm BLESSED...

So lately, I might have been a little dramatic about how much people suck and aren’t worth it… and true there are times when I’m at the EDGE of the world… times when I feel like I could possibly hate everyone…

Some readers might have thought… Who does she think she is? Miss Perfect!? Miss Victim!?

NOPES I DON'T THINK SO…

This is a good opportunity to admit that pointing fingers "sometimes" does not mean that I’m perfect or better than the world. I’m fully aware that I have my HUGE faults… that sometimes I’m the bad friend and sometimes I fail the people who count on me… I try my best not to… but I’m sure it happens! I try that these times would be unintentional but sometimes things slip… and I DO apologize to anyone I upset in anyway!

When I write such depressed and angry posts… I’m usually down… hurt… upset and yes ANGRY and HATEFUL!


BUT AGAIN… that doesn’t change the fact that I’m blessed with friends who lighten up my days… who despite everything can still make me smile… who have my back regardless how often we see each other, talk or express our love to each other…

Maybe we sometimes drift apart, have our differences, our arguments, our disappointments… maybe at times they’re sucky friends and other times I’m the stinky friend… but I’m blessed and thankful to have them in my life…

Lanoull… who honestly proved that distance, time and space do not change real friendship… that despite anything I can still have someone who understands me just by looking at each other… a person with whom I share LISTS and LISTS of memories… a person I can talk to for hours none stop about ANYTHING shamelessly… and even if we’re repeating the same stories over and over and over again we would NEVER get bored…. A person I really don’t worry about being judged with :) - Babe... I'd kill to have you live with me in the same country!

Yarooor… a true example of a GREAT childhood friend… an amazing listener… the right person to talk to when I'm down because I'm sure she’s got my back! Lots of memories together and the best person to share a girl’s night in with :) Coziness, girl talk, food, movies, tears, gossip and lots of laughter :)

Sandoor… who would help in whichever way she can whenever she can… giving her maximum without thinking twice… she even prays for me without asking… I can take her mature opinion in whatever comes to mind, knowing she’ll be honest without painting the truth :)

SharShory… has the KINDEST heart EVER… who at the time of need will be the first person there… ALSO one of the people I LAUGH with the most… knows how to have fun and makes me feel special :) Best person for girl talk! Can't live without her and can't help but love her! :)

Salsa… maybe we don’t hang out much! BUT…. We have tons and tons in common, mentally and personally… and we know we LOVE each other tremendously and we both know it… and if I ever wanna talk and blab my heart out… she’s the right person to call… she listens, advices, cares and cheers you up amazingly and she is FUN!! :) - I was gonna postpone this post till later but I just came back from dinner with Salsa and I thought THIS CAN'T WAIT... I have awesome people in my life that I gotta be thankful for :)

I hope you aren’t bored yet ‘cause the my list of special people is LONG :) I woke up today deciding I’ll focus on the bright side…

There is also MONDY the GREAT… who is the most amazing sis, friend and buddy! Kindest, sweetest, most loving... And trust me I’d do MIRACLES to see her the happiest person ever :)

And MONMON the GREAT :) My KICK ASS little brother whom I can fool around as much as I want… be stupid and idiotic… and be the loser I avoid being around other people! :

LOVE YOU BOTH ENDLESSLY :)

Umm… moving on to the people I see less often but they just charm my life in various ways…

VANTYYY… Love spending time with you… adorable and sweet are the best words to describe you babe… and I mean it!

MARIOUMA… childhood friend and buddy… with whom I share endless moments of none stop laughter… the person to call on boring days and 5 minutes and we’re in the street cheering ourselves up!

MARTINA... dude I love you and you are SURE of that :)

NIHOOO :) I have to say we both use each other very well… with happiness! We call each other up or go out once every now and then to trash talk ourselves and tell each other the most random and retarded stories about ourselves that we don't usually share with regular friends because... well they're weird stories... Miss u babe :)

SELFTYYYY :) a perfect gossip buddy whom I enjoy every minute with… and I'm 100% sure I can count on you at any time...

HADOORA... love ya loads and you know it… even if I can’t give you an exact reason behind it… we share the same background… we share special moments and I just love you :)

SERIN… my KakaPoooo… I love ya… and I can count on you even if you’re inna different country, busy being a doctor! If I send you asking you what do I do... you'll send me a LONG and LOVING detailed plan of what you think... and I'm thankful :)

MARMAR… I miss living with you in the same place… our fish dance and fooling around… I honestly miss u loads!

CHANTY… who makes my online and BBM life quite interesting… I think we’re having an digital affair! Lol! But we have a lot in common and we share the same mental aurora :)

SALMA... my Saudi Wanna be Friend... you know I love you... we can talk about anything together and time doesn't change our friendship hun! You are almost ALWAYS the better friend!

Um… who else… who else… I don’t wanna forget anyone… ‘cause I realized this morning… DUDE I’M BLESSED…

There are so many people who mean a lot to me…. Madonna Said, Kimo, NagNag, Noody, Fudz, Attia, Yasmine, Rana, Maya, Mary, Zanzoon, Dee, Sandy, Dina Tia, Mariam Zaklama, 3azooz, Mina Ibrahim, Mina Scorpie, Mirna Gamal, Peter Michael, Rony, Sa3eed, Sara Wadi3, JouJou, Marmar, Rosey...

There are people I would kill to bring back the days with them… People I choose to end with because I truly love them and because they truly make my days shine… VIVOOO and YOUSSFYY :) Words can’t begin to describe how much I love you girls!

Umm… I honestly hope I didn’t forget anyone… because I’m truly blessed with people I love and I know they love me… no doubt! If I did, it would be an honest example of me being an unintentional bad friend...

May be I sometimes act stupid and slack of as a friend...

May be I’m disappointed with them sometimes...

May be I wished things went better with other people...

But in the end of the day I know we have each other...

Love you and thank you and realizing that I got you guys today… did cheer me up :)

Today, I'm not holding any grudges against anyone... I'm just enjoying being TRULY blessed :)

P.S. In case you're wondering... this post is only about friends... Mom & Dad deserve a post all on their own and would come way on TOP - love you both endlessly :D

When There Is Nothing More To Do...

It’s really frustrating when you reach to a certain point in anything and you feel... that's it, there is nothing more you can do... more like you gave up or had have enough.... you become indifferent to whatever happens next!

This is the exact opposite of taking a chance on a happy ending that I mentioned in one of my previous posts… but seriously sometimes there is just nothing more to do… and I hate that deeply when it happens!

It’s a sign of defeat!

OR helplessness!

It's a waste!

You feel like you’ve exhausted all your options and you’ve put in your maximum effort and still there is no sign or hope that it works well…

The actual piss off… is when you actually had a good feeling about that thing and then you get to that point!

And my question is... is it right that we give up and accept that we’ve done all we can… OR do we just think we’ve done all we can?

Sometimes I feel I need to give up… and I tell myself that I should NOT feel bad because I’ve really done my best! And I do give up for a while! BUT then… I dunno I come back and say what if there was something more to do!

A freakin' endless cycle!

And this feeling of indifference… when you tell yourself, “Hell with it,” is a shame! ‘Cause when things that once mattered to you to stop to matter anymore… it’s like… I dunno the word… but a BUMMER!

And then come several questions... is it not working ‘cause of me? ‘Cause of the people? ‘Cause of the circumstances? ‘Cause it’s not meant to be?

I dunno… it’s just screwed up if you ask me!

I like to believe that some stuff aren't just meant to be...

I hate giving up… I do... I’m not the type of person who does! But I’ve come to accept that there are some stuff that you just need to put behind your back and move on… things and people that... I dunno... let's just leave it at that!

UFF! It’s just one of those days when I’m at the EDGE with everything :’(

- sigh -

You know what... hell with it... I'm NOT gonna depress myself over things I cannot change anymore... my next post will be A KILLER CHEERFUL POST! Heh! I owe it to myself :)

I Want A Dog…

I’ve always wanted a dog… but lately I want a dog even more. When I come to think about it, I realized I want a dog ‘cause I want a real friend…

Honestly… humans have always proved to me that they are a terrible investment… you keep working really hard to making things go well… not just in relationships, even friendships and then BOOM, it turns out like a major FLOP! I dunno, they always manage to disappoint you…

When I’ve come to think about my true and honest friends over the past while, I realized they’re only two… the books I read and my laptop… even my laptop not so much ‘cause it get me in touch with people… and I honestly sometimes just want to be left alone…

So I really just want a dog… I want to travel AWAY with my dog... just me, my dog, a couple of books and the beach! AWAY AND ALONE! Seriously, I’m sure he’d be more loyal, understanding and compassionate!

UFF!

I’m sick of getting disappointed at people… seriously sick! It hurts and it sucks! Honestly! UFF!

I put in too much effort, time and emotions into being a good friend and then something happens along the way and I realize I have no one to count on, no one who really gets me, no one who really cares…

I put in a lot and it turns out that rather than people appreciating it... they are annoyed! Seriously... people are not worth it!

I'm sick of counting on the wrong people... I'm sick of trusting people who turn out to be unworthy of it... I'm sick of believing in people... I'm sick of exposing myself to people who will hurt me... I'm sick of people who don't see except the bad side in me... I'm sick of people not valuing me enough...I'm sick of giving too much and seriously getting nothing in return... I'm sick of people in general!

And I honestly hate myself for letting such people get to me and hurt me. I'm sick of it! It makes me hate myself for caring too much! It makes me hate myself for giving a damn! UFF!

I give people a second chance... they abuse it AND turn it against me! It is honestly ridiculous!

I HONESTLY feel like an idiot... and I hate myself for caring too much and for letting people take advantage of me this way!

I hate that they completely throw me outside my comfort zone and make me rant the way I'm ranting!

And it's funny they think 'cause I let it go by once or twice or even TEN times... they're gonna be able to do it over and over and over again! As if I exist to get screwed by them! But what they don't know is that everything has a freakin' end to it! I come to a point where I've really had enough! I have had enough of taking crap from others!

Maybe I have high expectations in humans because I’d be willing to do so much… and then I’m surprised with a little in return… but if people don't appreciate it and aren't willing to do anything in return... I'm done!

They’re just not worth the investment… and I’m sick of it… I’ve come to a point where I no longer care anymore… it’s like whatever happens, happens.... whoever wants to be a good friend can be a good friend and who ever doesn’t care… hell with him or her!

I'm seriously just blabbing right now, but NO words can actually express the rage I'm in or how hurt I am!

I really just want a dog… I really need to find someone, anyone, any creature who is loyal.

UFF!

You Came Too Late...

"You Came Too Late," is a poem I wrote back in December 12, 2003.... I was going through my book of poems and came across it; I dunno why I'm posting it 8 years later, maybe I liked it, remembered why I wrote it or perhaps reliving the same feelings...

Anyhow... here is how it goes...

When I loved you, I was ready to give up everything...
But you pushed me back, said you didn't need a thing...
The love I offered was so great...
And only for you, was my heart shaped...

But you chose her over me...
You thought she'd love you more than me...
I told you she'll make you cry...
And you thought it was just a lie...

Now she left you and I see tears in your eyes...
You come running to me, but my heart is dry...
You hurt me before, how do you think I'll reopen my door...
You came too late, now I can't be yours...

Take A Chance On A Happy Ending…

Today is Feb. 14 so Happy Valentines Everyone… and for that occasion I decided I’d go for a more cheerful post… yeppe… it’s a time of love after all :D

You know... you don't have to have a special someone to feel loved or to give love... because there is always someone who loves ya and someone you love... even if it's not in the lovey dovey way and even if you have no idea that person exists... anyhow, that's not what my post is about... that's just a side note for the special occasion :D

So BACK to my original post :)

There are times when nothing is going well… things could be dull… you could be bored… you could be depressed… you could feel lonely… you could feel like the whole world is against you… and then you decide, and outta the blue, that you’re going to take a chance on a happy ending…

And why do we do that… we dunno!

We just try to give our self hope that things will get better and that there is a reason to be happy and shiny on the inside!

You close your eyes… and you smile and you tell yourself it will work… what ever it is you're taking a chance on... will end well!

This thing could be anything… you decide against all odds…

That she’ll like you back…

That he’ll make a move…

That it’s time to say I love you…

That you’ll get the job you’ve been hoping for…

That you’ll get the promotion…

That your old friends are worth another shot...

That it won’t hurt to be the bigger person...

That someone sick will get better…

That your friend will remember to call this time…

That someone will accept your apology this time…

That in spite of everything going on Egypt will get better...

That someone will surprise you on Valentines with a bunch of roses…

You take a chance on a happy ending… and you act upon it. You give yourself hope to move on and to keep going… you give yourself a reason to trust yourself and others… you force yourself positively to give things one more try…

You take a chance not knowing the outcome, but you do hoping it all works well… because something inside you tells you to go for it…

I think sometimes we need to take a chance on a happy ending… sometimes we need to think positively, we need to risk it and we need to leave the door slightly open…

Sometimes we need to ALLOW good things to happen... we need to believe that they will happen and they will (sometimes at least)!!!

That's what I think,what I do and what works for me sometimes :D Taking this chance gives you an enhancing boost, a push forward, a good inner and overwhelming feeling... because... you're taking a chance on something good and for some weirder reason... you believe that IT WILL actually HAPPEN :)

So people... take a chance on a happy ending... sometimes things work out well... STOP assuming that things are impossible, that no one will like you, that it's not worth another shot OR that you're destined to be miserable! YOU ARE NOT... we're all entitled to Love, Happiness, lots of Hope, some Craziness and a bunch of Cheerfulness!

Again, I wish you all LOADS of love on a day like today… Happy Valentines again….

Ps. This Valentine is special to all Egyptians… we have an overdose of love for our country… we always loved it, we always will… Happy Valentines Egypt, we love you…

Not Finding The Words…

One of the worst things I hate is when I feel like I have a lot to say and I cannot find the words to express it or explain it!

And don’t get me wrong… I’m not speaking about politics, I’m speaking in general.

Sometimes I’m pissed off or so… like now! And I just can’t manage to explain what’s pissing me off in reasonable words, even to myself, which in return pisses me off even more (if that makes sense)!

Seriously… I dunno, maybe I’m insane and stupid stuff get to me… and as a result people ask me, "so what is upsetting you,"… and because it’s stupid and because I know no one would get it I just decide to shut up about it and say, "it's nothing," which leads people to think I’m insane.

But I’m not insane! I’m just probably an overly sensitive and paranoid person ... which I admit is even annoying to myself sometimes...

But what annoys me most is that people who are supposed to know me well… don’t get it till now… and still don’t get the sort of stuff the piss me… which leads me to ask… "who the are these people?"

Which also me gets me back to another post I wrote before, The Opposite Of What I Say... so when I get irritated and say, “it’s nothing,” or “I don’t wanna talk about it;” I’d hope they’d put in a little more effort and try to know what’s wrong rather than say… “okie, whatever you want.”

So again… I really think I should learn to find the words when I have something I’d like to express!

I mean… I think I tend to be smart and I tend to understand my friends and I wish they would understand me back just equally!

Unless… we all feel this way… we feel like we understand people and they just suck and don’t understand us back!

And that my friends… is the beauty of Garbage of the Soul… I start at a single point or a problem… and I end up speaking about something completely different… So ya maybe I’m insane… BUT it's who I am and I love myself… even if it's annoying (who isn't) or if others think I am crazy and silly (who isn't that too at times)!

What's even MORE beautiful... is that by the end of the post I'm not pissed off any more 'cause I got it off my chest :) I just love writing... (well that's a side note)!

Ps. I hope people don’t think it's insensitive to post none-political stuff at the current time, however, the point of this blog is for me to write things at the spur of the moment… that doesn’t mean we forget about bigger issues that occupy our minds and hearts :)

Waking Up To A Different Egypt…

GOOD MORNING!!

No one can deny that on February 12th, 2011 we all woke up to a completely different Egypt…

I won’t claim that I was one of the people in Tahrir Square, because I wasn't… but anyone in Egypt or outside can agree that January 25, 2011 until February 11, 2011 really made history in Egypt…

Throughout this revolution, every time some changes were made I would think to myself “WOW, who thought this would happen in Egypt.” And I’d tell myself, “That’s it… what more do the people want… we’ve already taken leaps of advancement, they should know that’s all we’re getting. It’s time to go home!”

BUT… the people were determined and they had a BIGGER dream and they were persistent to achieve it…

February 11, 2011, around 6 p.m., The BIG announcement was made… the success of the Jan. 25th Revolution was announced… the people accomplished what they’ve dreamed for and worked very hard to achieve!



The "power of the people" proved to be stronger than anything else... their amazing will proved to miraculous...

I cannot begin to describe the look and feel of the Egyptian streets… it was beyond words can tell… you’d have to be there to know it… but it was unbelievable!

My reaction was quite delayed… I fell in complete and utter silence because I confused... I personally had very mixed feelings.

Disbelief… I wouldn’t have thought in a million years that the Mubarak regime would end, and above all end this way….

Happiness… for it was a successful revolution made by the people for the people no question asked…

Thankfulness... for all those who helped bring about this historical change...

Pride… for living and seeing this achievement and for knowing what Egyptians are capable of…

Relief... for knowing that those who died during these 18 days didn't die in vain... and again I send my gratitude, respect and condolences to their families and beloved ones...

Uncertainty… for we don’t know what is happening next… and I don’t think there will be certainty until September 2011 when we have a better vision for the future and things begin to stabilize...

Sadness… for I wished people would show a little more respect to someone who has served the country for over 30 years on many different levels, even if the system had many downfalls… He has been Egypt’s symbol for very long… and deep down I still really wished for a better exit for him…

Regret… For I have been very passive in the past… I have witnessed the change and not taken part in it… perhaps because deep down I never thought it would happen; now I know I’m wrong…

Optimism… for a better a future for Egypt…

Fear... for I'm worried we regret any of this in the future...

Trust… for now I know Egyptian people are stronger and more confident than before and they will not allow the country move anywhere but forward…

An even BIGGER trust… for I know God will never leave Egypt alone and that all will work for the benefit of the people and the country… 

What happened yesterday is a HUGE success no question asked… however, I feel it’s the beginning of a loooooooong way to go for all of us…

We will have a new president which we hope would lead us to a better Egypt, but we need to work on ourselves as well to making Egypt better for us and no one else… all the little things that we don’t think they matter, they do…

Let us clean up the roads, listen to each other, respect each other, accept our differences, follow the traffic, show respect to people of all sorts of standards, help build Egypt, invest in the stock, travel internally, be fair, work ethically, smile at each other, be there for each other... and all the things we know we used to ignore before simply because everyone else was doing them... let's stop them because they all matter... and changing them will help us move forward!

This change is enormous… and it’ll take forever to happen again! So let’s make the best use out of it…

Let’s pray for Egypt… we have a long way to go… let’s come out of this experience stronger and more united so we can move forward…

Again… today I woke up knowing Egypt is different… knowing things will never be the same again… and although my feelings are still mixed up, I’m hoping it all works well for our country…

Long Live Egypt and God Bless Egypt At All Times…

A Roller Coaster of Egyptian Events…

So, I don’t need to explain what has been going on in Egypt ‘cause I’m pretty sure the whole world knows it quiet well...

I won’t get into which side I’m on or what I think should happen 'cause first of all pre-Jan 25th politics were the last thing on my mind (sadly and admittedly). So this post is the farthest from that… In addition, we’re at a point where we should just respect our differences and regardless just think of what’s best for our country internally, externally and how we & others look and respect our country…

We’ve been in an unexpected & unprecedented series of events since January 25th, 2011. Some of them were good, some of them were sad, some of them were steps forwards, others were leaps backwards, some meant a sense of satisfaction for people who were able to bring about unexpected and historical change, for others it meant devastation for losing a loved one…

All in all, regardless what side people are on, we are all shocked… confused… and we definitely don’t know what to expect next… where this whole thing is going and when it’ll come to an end…

Tomorrow, I’ll be going back to work, after 9 days at home…

I have to say I’m little taken back with what to expect… and it sucks that the Egyptian streets feel scary…our streets were never quite... I hate the feeling that they're deserted... I hate that every time we hear a noise in the streets we run to the windows worried...

I’m worried about the lack of police, I’m worried about prisoners roaming around, I’m worried that men standing in the streets (legan sha3baya) protecting us get things out of hand (not and never will ignore their efforts, they are thankfully the reason for our safety until today), I’m worried that unpeaceful riots break out anywhere…

I'm devastated Egyptians are fighting each other, I'm heartbroken to all those we have lost during these events (I really really hope God grants their families the strength to move on because these people are going through a whole lot of emotions and feelings that we are not aware of)... I'm deeply worried about an internal or external conspiracy against our country and people...

I'm worried about our economic losses; I'm worried about all those who have lost their jobs and sources of income... I'm upset about all the damaged places...

The look of the military in the streets is making me feel uneasy… it’s giving me this weird gut feeling… thankfully they are protecting us, but... I dunno I just feel tensed...

This inability to breathe easily is just killing and frustrating me... This feeling of betrayal and weakness is just making me sad...

I’m just so disappointed to the whole situation in Egypt… And don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful to all the positive changes that took place in Egypt, I'm not and never will belittle them, and I know they’ve got a price…

BUT…

I want the safety back… I want the peace back… I want us to go back to being EGYPT… I can’t explain, but I know some of you know what I mean… I just want EGYPT back… firmly standing EGYPT back…

I want people not to worry about walking around the streets, I want to be able to come home any time I want, I don’t want to have this inner scare or uncertainty ‘cause I don’t know what to expect… I really don’t want to go to sleep and wake up racing to see the news… I want people from all over the world to come back and feel safe in our land...

YET...

In the middle of all that, Egyptians have grown this amazing bond between each other and I hope it lasts. Regardless which side we’re politically on, I hope it lasts… we’ve grown closer to one another, we protected each other, we cared about each other...

We forgot all the differences that drive us apart and really stuck with one another… we realized how much we really love this country… and how much we hate seeing it go down and how much we’re willing to protect each other and our country and how much we'd love to see it better...

And trust me this unity and love for our country is what will make us go through… let’s try and make the best use out of it… for the sake of Egypt and nothing else….

I don’t know what to expect next and I can’t claim I know it or that anyone does… I just hope that whatever happens, happens for the best... for Egypt, for its people…

God bless OUR country for real…