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Thursday, February 11, 2016

Is hope such a good thing?

I'm asking myself today if hope is good thing. Pushing yourself to remain optimistic in the midst of everything... does that really help you? I used to like think so... But the older I grow and the more I see I realize that maybe too much hope isn't always a good idea. As much as hope keeps you going, tells you that eventually there is a happy ending, that there is light in the end of the tunnel... that maybe there is a chance that things go as planned... It often becomes so scary because it means bigger disappointment and a stronger slap on the face.

I've recently decided to be more positive... to smile at life... to be more open to people and experiences.

And my take is... life is a real bitch. It stares you in the face, smiles at you, manipulates to think she is on your side... and just when you get comfortable... it smiles even bigger and points its middle finger right at you with a sense of victory. 

So I'm asking myself is hope such a good thing for us? Is it better to live with no expectations? May be then if something good happens it would make us happier.

I keep telling myself its all about time... good things are bound to happen... dreams might come true. But the truth is... I never get used to the disappointment. And every time it takes more effort on my side to have "hope" again... which only means the disappointment is bigger and stronger and harder to recover from. 

So I think I'm letting go of hope for a good while. I'm back to no expectations. I'm letting go of happy endings... I can deal with indifference, but I cannot deal with more disappointment. I want to say "who knows maybe life surprises me," but I realized that this is another shape of hope that just tricks you into waiting and into expecting anything good to come out of this thing called... life!

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Crossroads…

I am at this crossroads in my life where I’m not sure where I am or what I should be doing next. I’m not sure there is a purpose behind my existence. I feel like I have tons of potential that I cannot tap into. Like I’m stuck into a life I’ve not chosen or envisioned. In the same time I’m not doing much to change it or get out of this place I am in. And that is more upsetting than the way I feel.

I know I’m not satisfied with where I am… professionally, personally and socially. I know there is so much I want to do… so many different things to the extent that I don’t know what it is exactly that I want to do. I don’t know where I should start.  

I know I want to teach, coach, inspire, do art, be a public speaker, write more, publish something, travel more... In the same time I want to build a career for myself... I'm driven and ambitious and I want to reach places.

I thought I’d be more independent, carefree and spontaneous. In my head, I lead a different life. Like I have another personality that no one got to see, not even myself. I’m starting to doubt it even exists. Like maybe I have to settle that this is who I really am. But I cannot. I refuse to accept this! And I cannot.

I feel old and it is not about the number. True the fact that I’m turning 30 soon is making me think about it more… but it is a lot more than turning 30.

I cannot find my happy place. It is frustrating. And it is hindering me. In everything… in expressing myself and in excelling. I wake up every day and I don’t have any passion or excitement. I feel like I'm diagnosed with chronic boredom.

I wake up with no expectations. And I'm always demotivated. Even the things I’m good at… I’ve become okay! Nothing makes my day… no matter how awesome it is! I cannot give anything anymore. Not at work and not to the dearest people to me.

I don’t think I’m successful, I don’t think I’m beautiful…

But I’m sure I cannot live this way. I look at myself in the mirror… and this is not the person I want to see. Not the way I talk nor the way I walk. I’m not happy with my look or how I feel inside. I don’t recognize myself because this is not at all who I thought I’d be.

I cannot keep on going thinking the best is yet to come. I feel helpless and it pisses me off. I need to change my life, I cannot wait for the change. 

I need to figure it out. I need to be able to be happy with who I am. I can’t find any reason for people to like me, because I don’t like myself right now. I need to get out of this corner I’m stuck in so I can really inspire. I know I can. I’m born to shine!