Crossroads…

I am at this crossroads in my life where I’m not sure where I am or what I should be doing next. I’m not sure there is a purpose behind my existence. I feel like I have tons of potential that I cannot tap into. Like I’m stuck into a life I’ve not chosen or envisioned. In the same time I’m not doing much to change it or get out of this place I am in. And that is more upsetting than the way I feel.

I know I’m not satisfied with where I am… professionally, personally and socially. I know there is so much I want to do… so many different things to the extent that I don’t know what it is exactly that I want to do. I don’t know where I should start.  

I know I want to teach, coach, inspire, do art, be a public speaker, write more, publish something, travel more... In the same time I want to build a career for myself... I'm driven and ambitious and I want to reach places.

I thought I’d be more independent, carefree and spontaneous. In my head, I lead a different life. Like I have another personality that no one got to see, not even myself. I’m starting to doubt it even exists. Like maybe I have to settle that this is who I really am. But I cannot. I refuse to accept this! And I cannot.

I feel old and it is not about the number. True the fact that I’m turning 30 soon is making me think about it more… but it is a lot more than turning 30.

I cannot find my happy place. It is frustrating. And it is hindering me. In everything… in expressing myself and in excelling. I wake up every day and I don’t have any passion or excitement. I feel like I'm diagnosed with chronic boredom.

I wake up with no expectations. And I'm always demotivated. Even the things I’m good at… I’ve become okay! Nothing makes my day… no matter how awesome it is! I cannot give anything anymore. Not at work and not to the dearest people to me.

I don’t think I’m successful, I don’t think I’m beautiful…

But I’m sure I cannot live this way. I look at myself in the mirror… and this is not the person I want to see. Not the way I talk nor the way I walk. I’m not happy with my look or how I feel inside. I don’t recognize myself because this is not at all who I thought I’d be.

I cannot keep on going thinking the best is yet to come. I feel helpless and it pisses me off. I need to change my life, I cannot wait for the change. 

I need to figure it out. I need to be able to be happy with who I am. I can’t find any reason for people to like me, because I don’t like myself right now. I need to get out of this corner I’m stuck in so I can really inspire. I know I can. I’m born to shine! 

I Need A Face!

So this post wont make any sense...
Not even to me...

But I've been having this certain "problem" in my life, a problem I cannot really explain in words that makes sense either, but this problem...  despite it being so prominent in my life, so vivid, and pretty impact-ful on my life... yet I cannot still clearly define it.

It's like you know a person really well yet you don't really know how they look; or remember their resemblance.

So if it makes any sense at all, I need a "face" to my problem...

Something that makes it more real, more understand-able... Cause leaving it completely up to my imagination is wrong. Imagination may make things seem better than they actually are; or worst than what they truly are!

I know I'm not making sense...
May be I cannot articulate this whole thing...

I dono...

But I deserve a truly defined thing. A face! Something I can remember; recall...
Things need to stop being so vague and unclear...
Clarity may help me decide how to handle things! Fight for them? Or let them go?
Something that would make everything make better sense...
Help me better evaluate...
Or Understand...

#Sigh....

I just need a face God Damn It!

Who Are You?

Is it possible that something you've always been clearly sure about turns out to be nothing of what you thought?

I don't think this is one post where I can clearly articulate how I feel or what I want to say; however, I just feel stressed out that may be someone I thought I knew... turned out to be someone I probably know nothing about. That all the stuff I once admired about that person... are simply not there; not even close!

That someone I could bet on turned out to be a complete stranger, maybe just putting on a mask and a well executed play that I fell for.

I don't know what gave me this feelings... but putting together the little pieces of the puzzle, just no longer reflects a good pictures or no longer reflects the picture that I've always had in mind...

So many things in the past have been telling me to drop this issue, walk away not looking back... and I've always refused to let it go... very strongly, I choose to trust my gut feeling, which apparently was very wrong.

But now, when I felt like I don't really know the person anymore, or maybe never really knew the person.... I don't know what I've been holding on to? Perhaps an illusion of who I wished that person would be... Or  maybe the act for which I've been a great and dedicated audience.

I don't know what to think anymore... sometimes I just hope I had the answers... or had the ability to ask for answers. But I don't! And again, may be the answers will be further devastating because the "what if" element that keeps us going will no longer be there.. Because the definite answers I get will not be the answers I want to hear... And because some stuff are better left unknown.

But seriously... Is it possible that I've been played... I just wish I can really know; Who Are You?

Question to Life...

I'm literally bored... and when I'm bored I get a lot of time thinking which is something I officially hate 'cause I end up depressed...

So during my thinking process today, I ended up pissed at life (as usual, it comes along with being depressed)... I asked my myself a lot of stuff and then I realized they all revolve around one thing and pretty much one thing only!

Can we go on with life and never get what we want!?

Why is it that we're always unsatisfied? Is it a human greed? We never get enough? Once you get something you start searching for the next? OR is life really unfair to the extent that you can go on for ever and ever and ever and just never get what you want? Is it possible that we just end up praying for something and never getting it? Will we spend our lives just imagining how our life would turn out IF we ever get what we want? 

To me that's just a load of depressing crap!

Sometimes, perhaps to appease my anger, I tell myself that main problem is that we want the wrong stuff!

This issue has been nagging me for a while... I've always been questioning life, blaming life for being annoying and unfair! Sometimes even mean and harsh! 

I've just always felt it was easier blaming it on life... like it is never my fault things don't turn out well! 

UNTIL...

A few days ago a friend asked if I could help put some of his thoughts in writing... ACTUALLY he brought something to light under MY eye... maybe it's not that life is mean or that we wish for the wrong stuff! Maybe we actually don't know what we want! Maybe we lack an understanding of what it is that makes us happy and satisfied. 

Maybe we're not patient enough to wait for the right thing to happen! 

Hence we end going through all the wrong paths hoping to find what we want... or hoping to find the answers we keep looking for. We keep searching for whatever we hope gives us the satisfactory feeling of that missing element in our life!

Perhaps... we feel life that life does't give us what we want  because we ourselves don't know what we want.

We keep hoping that we get something or the other... but do we know if we actually want it? Are we sure that it will give us the feeling of completion... the satisfaction and happiness that we're looking for? Or is it just another wrong path we're taking!? Another puddle of confusion we're throwing ourselves in?

I guess this "WHAT IF" element to life is what drives us mad! Makes us feel helpless... unsatisfied and full of questions... Questions that can't be answered... because "what if" could simply happen, or not... and if it happens can just have a million different answers and outcomes! 

We keep hoping that others would understand us better, give us a chance... or simply hear us out! But do we even understand ourselves, do we hear them out... Do we even understand them!? Do we give life and people what we expect in return or are we just a demanding bunch of whiners?!

So I'm asking life or maybe me... What is it that I want from life? And will I go on forever without knowing what it is or never getting it?

I don't have the answer... I hope someone does!

BUT that doesn't change the fact that sometimes I wish life would give me a break and give me what I want... even if it would give me temporary satisfaction! 

I know, some people would say: this temporary satisfaction may later result in more troubles! 

I'd say: life is full of troubles anyways... some temporary satisfaction wouldn't hurt! It would give me closure knowing the outcomes of what I want, the answers to my "what ifs", that satisfaction that my prayers are answered and that it's possible to get what you want.

Today I'm depressed and hoping for temporary satisfaction.... HOWEVER, believe it or not... DEEP DOWN I do believe in Happy Endings, that Things Do Get Better... and that Satisfaction & Happiness are down the road to all of us! 

The Legitimate Wait...

So... basically in this post I'm asking for your opinion... I'm trying to figure out when do we say we've been waiting enough?


When does a person feel it's legitimate to pull the plug?


Let me be more clear! I'm just trying to find out when does a person feel it's okay to let go of a certain dream, goal or person... When do you let go without a fear that you've given up... When are you certain that you've really done all you can and there is no room for more what ifs?


Is there a legitimate time span or is not related to time? Can we claim that after a certain period of time it's okay to give up?


Does a person ever reach that point of satisfaction where they're certain they've done all they can do? Does this point even exist... 


How do we deal with the guilt conscious that keeps telling you that you've simply chosen the easy way out and gave up?


Is it right to keep trying and waiting for things to happen or is this a true denial of failure?


When does strong will to get to something or someone turn into stupidity, stubbornness and a lack of understanding of reality?


How many times should a person try to reach a goal? How many chances does a person give someone? How many odds should we stand against to achieve what we want?


How long does it take to finally admit to ourselves that it's time to let go?


Sometimes I feel it's okay to give up... knowing when to let go can sometimes be the right decision... That despite a strong desire to achieve something, you're actually showing more strength by letting it go...


My problem is that I don't know how to let go! I feel if I want something deep down I should never stop working hard to get it! However... sometimes it's just NOT meant to happen! Sometimes the more we try the harder achieving it becomes. 


So I'm asking YOU... when does it become okay to let go and give up on something or someone? What is the "legitimate wait?"

Not Finding The Words…

One of the worst things I hate is when I feel like I have a lot to say and I cannot find the words to express it or explain it!

And don’t get me wrong… I’m not speaking about politics, I’m speaking in general.

Sometimes I’m pissed off or so… like now! And I just can’t manage to explain what’s pissing me off in reasonable words, even to myself, which in return pisses me off even more (if that makes sense)!

Seriously… I dunno, maybe I’m insane and stupid stuff get to me… and as a result people ask me, "so what is upsetting you,"… and because it’s stupid and because I know no one would get it I just decide to shut up about it and say, "it's nothing," which leads people to think I’m insane.

But I’m not insane! I’m just probably an overly sensitive and paranoid person ... which I admit is even annoying to myself sometimes...

But what annoys me most is that people who are supposed to know me well… don’t get it till now… and still don’t get the sort of stuff the piss me… which leads me to ask… "who the are these people?"

Which also me gets me back to another post I wrote before, The Opposite Of What I Say... so when I get irritated and say, “it’s nothing,” or “I don’t wanna talk about it;” I’d hope they’d put in a little more effort and try to know what’s wrong rather than say… “okie, whatever you want.”

So again… I really think I should learn to find the words when I have something I’d like to express!

I mean… I think I tend to be smart and I tend to understand my friends and I wish they would understand me back just equally!

Unless… we all feel this way… we feel like we understand people and they just suck and don’t understand us back!

And that my friends… is the beauty of Garbage of the Soul… I start at a single point or a problem… and I end up speaking about something completely different… So ya maybe I’m insane… BUT it's who I am and I love myself… even if it's annoying (who isn't) or if others think I am crazy and silly (who isn't that too at times)!

What's even MORE beautiful... is that by the end of the post I'm not pissed off any more 'cause I got it off my chest :) I just love writing... (well that's a side note)!

Ps. I hope people don’t think it's insensitive to post none-political stuff at the current time, however, the point of this blog is for me to write things at the spur of the moment… that doesn’t mean we forget about bigger issues that occupy our minds and hearts :)

A Roller Coaster of Egyptian Events…

So, I don’t need to explain what has been going on in Egypt ‘cause I’m pretty sure the whole world knows it quiet well...

I won’t get into which side I’m on or what I think should happen 'cause first of all pre-Jan 25th politics were the last thing on my mind (sadly and admittedly). So this post is the farthest from that… In addition, we’re at a point where we should just respect our differences and regardless just think of what’s best for our country internally, externally and how we & others look and respect our country…

We’ve been in an unexpected & unprecedented series of events since January 25th, 2011. Some of them were good, some of them were sad, some of them were steps forwards, others were leaps backwards, some meant a sense of satisfaction for people who were able to bring about unexpected and historical change, for others it meant devastation for losing a loved one…

All in all, regardless what side people are on, we are all shocked… confused… and we definitely don’t know what to expect next… where this whole thing is going and when it’ll come to an end…

Tomorrow, I’ll be going back to work, after 9 days at home…

I have to say I’m little taken back with what to expect… and it sucks that the Egyptian streets feel scary…our streets were never quite... I hate the feeling that they're deserted... I hate that every time we hear a noise in the streets we run to the windows worried...

I’m worried about the lack of police, I’m worried about prisoners roaming around, I’m worried that men standing in the streets (legan sha3baya) protecting us get things out of hand (not and never will ignore their efforts, they are thankfully the reason for our safety until today), I’m worried that unpeaceful riots break out anywhere…

I'm devastated Egyptians are fighting each other, I'm heartbroken to all those we have lost during these events (I really really hope God grants their families the strength to move on because these people are going through a whole lot of emotions and feelings that we are not aware of)... I'm deeply worried about an internal or external conspiracy against our country and people...

I'm worried about our economic losses; I'm worried about all those who have lost their jobs and sources of income... I'm upset about all the damaged places...

The look of the military in the streets is making me feel uneasy… it’s giving me this weird gut feeling… thankfully they are protecting us, but... I dunno I just feel tensed...

This inability to breathe easily is just killing and frustrating me... This feeling of betrayal and weakness is just making me sad...

I’m just so disappointed to the whole situation in Egypt… And don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful to all the positive changes that took place in Egypt, I'm not and never will belittle them, and I know they’ve got a price…

BUT…

I want the safety back… I want the peace back… I want us to go back to being EGYPT… I can’t explain, but I know some of you know what I mean… I just want EGYPT back… firmly standing EGYPT back…

I want people not to worry about walking around the streets, I want to be able to come home any time I want, I don’t want to have this inner scare or uncertainty ‘cause I don’t know what to expect… I really don’t want to go to sleep and wake up racing to see the news… I want people from all over the world to come back and feel safe in our land...

YET...

In the middle of all that, Egyptians have grown this amazing bond between each other and I hope it lasts. Regardless which side we’re politically on, I hope it lasts… we’ve grown closer to one another, we protected each other, we cared about each other...

We forgot all the differences that drive us apart and really stuck with one another… we realized how much we really love this country… and how much we hate seeing it go down and how much we’re willing to protect each other and our country and how much we'd love to see it better...

And trust me this unity and love for our country is what will make us go through… let’s try and make the best use out of it… for the sake of Egypt and nothing else….

I don’t know what to expect next and I can’t claim I know it or that anyone does… I just hope that whatever happens, happens for the best... for Egypt, for its people…

God bless OUR country for real…

Torn Between Space...

Some of you might have read this poem before; it's one of the very first poems I ever wrote... I was leaving Saudi Arabia, where I spent 18 years of my life... And I think I'm just missing those days, the people, the place...

Born and lived in a place,
Now I'm heading to a different case,
I'll miss it, thou I hated it,
I won't be able to go back,
As if erased!
But only by name,
Not in the Heart,
All the time spent,
And all the friends made,
Will be a history never replaced,
Left behind,
With my memories as the only trace,
A truth that has to be faced.
Why didn't I live on the land of my race?
Then this day wouldn't come,
When I'll be torn between the space,
A land where my childhood was,
And a land where my future is yet to be placed,
All I can say is that.... I'm Scared!

Sometimes I question if I'm still at this crossroad!

Sometimes I wanna walk around my old street, my old school... it's nice to able to visit old places... and I can't do it... It's as if I'm restricted from my own childhood!

I miss Saudi... Old is truly gold, never replaced!