My Pre- Jan. 25th Fears...

WARNING: content of this post is naive, superficial and would piss off most political activists.... I acknowledge this and apologize for it, so please don't attack! 

So a year from Jan. 25 and the entire revolutionary road we've been travelling on in Egypt... I look back and think if this revolution has bough us any good! And unfortunately my answer is NO! As much as I would like to think of the so many positive things this revolution has brought upon us; such as freedom, hope and a boost optimism; I would still have to pass!

On the other hand... all I see is dead people, people living with lifetime cruel disabilities, no safety, messed up tourism, a dull tomorrow and my screwed UP social lief! And this post is dedicated to the last point with all the ignorance and simplicity that this sentence carries.

So ever since the so called Jan 25th Revolution my social life has been going a downward slope. My parents have been on a panic frenzy... where any unnecessary road trip (in their wise opinion) has become a taboo. If it's not work or a must go "homework" outing... then most probably they prefer that I stay at home.

Suddenly 8 pm has become late hour... any dark hour is after curfew. Any "outing" that is not in my home zone is simply far. I've forgotten how Mohandesin, Zamalek and Tahrir look like. Suddenly these places have been restricted to "business meetings" only... and trust me if they can ask me to pass on these too, they would have done it!

Going out after work is a "no, no" because it's dark already... going out on weekends is usually done in day light.

Knowing that my friends are out late and want me to join has become a burden. Let alone internal traveling and a wedding or engagement.

My list of 101 excuses of how to skip an outing because it's an unsafe and my parents would freak out has become obvious!

My age and curfew are suddenly having an inverse relationship! And trust me that's not fun! Let alone saying that I have a curfew in first place (but that is something we can discuss later)!

My life is summarized into: work, business meetings, the mall, a birthday, a wedding, the doctor, university, or a funeral because these are the must haves of life... plus a few random outings here and there (and by there I mean a far awayyyyy there) to be honest. Anything else would need debate, discussion and comprise from me, my friends and the universe probably!

Everything has become unsafe! And they do hold some sanity in their argument, I give them that! However I'd have say 85% of it is simply freaking out! But to them, better safe than sorry! And to me, I've chosen to at least buy my own peace of mind and roll with their game! 

My social life has been screwed up... thanks to this revolution. It's honestly annoying me to the bones. If there was a positive trade off in return... I would have seen it and said "okie, my social life got screwed up for a cause and a good reason!" But seriously... I don't see any and I'm just annoyed! Sorry to say! 

So we're almost a year away since Jan. 25th, 2011... and we're all crossing our fingers with what to expect regarding what will happen on the so called Revolution Anniversary. I hope things settle down cause this isn't the life is signed up for... I support the political cause but this really isn't the plan I had for my life... I hope the coming Jan. 25th doesn't screw my life up even more!

So my hopes for the new revolutions are: to get back the security I previously took for granted and gain back my social life!


~ I've warned you! 

GIRL in Egypt...

So, let me start by saying this post is not a generalization. BUT at least it is a representation of ME and a few friends I know...

I've realized that as a girl in Egypt, our culture really deprives me from living the life of my dreams. Perhaps this is not the perfect timing to discuss this issue, however, the current situation in Egypt has really driven me to get out these thoughts on paper. Hence, to explain to you what I mean, I'm using the revolution in Egypt as an example.

I really wanted to experience going to Tahrir Square during the January 25 Revolution and my parents decided it is not safe for me as a girl to go. A whole revolution took place in Egypt and it is as if I was in a completely different country. I will not lie or kid myself, most of my desire to go was pushed by curiosity the first time. I wanted to know what Tahrir was all about. I wasn't really upset when I missed going because we were busy discovering what was going on. We had no clue where we were heading. We had a lot to keep us busy and may be I wasn't too sure being in Tahrir was really effective or that it would bring about change!

However, today, I really have a strong urge to go, for a cause, because I really want to say that nothing has really changed, that we're still where we are, just a different disguise. Because I'm sick and tired of what is going on, Egypt is moving from one disaster into another and we're really being treated like fools! Because I really want to have say... because I hate feeling like I'm passive. I want to be like one of these girls in the pictures!

And AGAIN my parents would never let me go! It's as if going would bring them a heart attack, or I'm insane to ask for it, like I'm kidding, it won't happen in a million years! And AGAIN it's like I'm in a different country, like Tahrir is somewhere else! I can't even imagine or visualize the experience. I feel detached from reality and what's happening in my country. I want to feel the adrenaline rush that comes with being in Tahrir Square. I want to expereince what it is like to fight for what I believe in and want. I want to be proactive and participate! And since I have a cause this time, I'm honestly pissed off that I'm stuck at home! It's annoying! I seriously feel restricted.

I mean my life is going on perfectly well as if nothing is happening and people are dying for a cause less than 30 kilometers away! Don't I at least deserve to witness that! A simple right I suppose, to see the change in my country that's making history. Think about it, years from now my kids are studying history and they ask me: Mom where you when all this happened? What were you doing? And my answer will be:  Oh dear, since I'm a woman, I was on the couch watching the news! ARE YOU EFFIN' KIDDING ME!?

Not just that, you think when you grow up and be independent you get to have a say in the life you run for yourself. Let me tell you this is a load of crap! You, as a girl, probably NEVER get independent in this messed up culture!  I'm a real life witness to girls of different ages; older and younger than me and their parents are not allowing them to go as well! Not only that, I know married women whom their husbands are not letting them go either! Even more aggravating, our male friends think it's funny that we want to go and participate in Tahrir! They think we can't run for our lives, that we should go ONLY when things are chilled and fun! I think the pictures on top are a serious example that not all girls go to Tahrir Square to party, brag about being there or take profile pictures! So let me ask: Seriously What the HELL? 

This is just ONE example! You can really apply this to any decision in our life. Our parents, culture, friends, husbands... or WHOEVER really restrict us from doing what we want! What ever it is, you name it, we need to get their approval first, just because we're women. What we work, the places we go, the way we talk, what we say, the friends we have, the clothes we wear, where we travel, when we travel... practically everything is restricted! It's retarded! Seriously as if I'm living someone else is life! If I'm given the choice, I'd run my life a completely different way! 

Sometimes I even hope I never give birth to girls in this culture because it is really a killer!

So let me ask... in this country, in this culture WHEN do I get to do what I want? When do I live the life I want? If I have to keep getting the approval of my parents till I'm married, even if I have to wait till I'm 40 and then I have to wait to get the approval of my husband, if I get married; WHEN does what I want kick in? When do I get to have a say in MY own life! 

~Sigh!

Where Do We Go From Here...

Yesterday after a very long day out, I finally got home...

Personally, like most people I would guess, I was looking forward to relaxing, a good cup of coffee and some cozy time watching TV...

So I walk in, sit with my mom and sister and do some catching up...

At around 11:30 pm we hear gunshots in our street... Right beneath our home! Gun shots flying randomly... 10-20 of them! Everyone in the neighborhood runs to their balconies to check what's happening... We find around 50-70 men with guns, knives and sticks bombarding 2 men because they were trying to steal a car (a newly and common trend now in Egypt since the thugs have gone lose since Jan 25).

So where do we go from here?

When did it become okay for civilians to carry weapons and starting firing once they feel threatened?

Surprisingly... After about 45 minutes  of a gang fight last night... Life resumed in the street as if nothing happened! As if chasing thugs and gun shots flying around have become the usual!

Actually it is the usual!

It has become so likely that you wake up to find your car missing! To come back to find your home robbed! Sometimes we're not there to protect ourselves and sometimes we're there and we try to resist and fight back! Even more you can be stopped with your car or while walking, have a gun or knife held to your head and the thug just asks you to give up all you've got on you! 

So basically it's kill OR get killed! 

Everyone now owns a gun or has some sort of weapon for self defense. Personally I never thought I'd need any sort of self defense in Egypt but now I carry pepper spray. True it won't do much... but at least would give me time to run for my life!

Civilians right now are tempted to take matters in their own hands! Protect themselves! And most probably decide the punishment for the wrong doer on their own! 

No can blame them for carrying around unliscenced guns or for killing someone when they feel threatened!

Our country has managed to turn its civilians into thugs! And you can't blame the people! After all you do what you have to do to keep safe and alive!

This is where we are and no one knows where we're going! 

I really have no clue! But something in me tells me we moving a downward slope!

I'm PISSED!

So... me being a Copt in Egypt... I can clearly admit that this post will be biased!

But I'm seriously and honestly pissed at whatever is happening in Egypt... and particularly to us as a minority group, and yes we are a minority treated like a minority! I keep trying to keep politics outside my blog but with every passing day the situation is getting worst and worst and it is becoming unavoidable! And ignoring it just means I'm another hypocrite!

Let me flash back to Jan. 25... Egyptian Christians, or let me say most or some of them, were accused of being passive... that they don't care about their "home" land... that they don't want to participate in creating a "better future" for themselves... that they are watchers not do-ers... that we are supportive of the old regime... that they're leaving other people die and will later enjoy lavish "freedom!"

Let me just say: BULL SHIT!!

Personally I knew this would happen to Christians as a minority when all this instability started to erupt... personally I saw it coming, probably we as Christians all did... and personally I'm not gonna pretend I'm happy about this revolution just to fit in with the majority and avoid being attacked as a corrupt member of the "old regime!"

And I don't give a damn who is behind these attacks! I don't care if they're the Muslim Brotherhood, the Salfis, remains of the old regime, the mob, the police or even a bunch of WACKOS! I don't care if it's just a small group of uneducated people who lead to such events! The end result is the same!

And what are we doing about it?!? Waiting for the next attack to happen!

What I care about is that Christians are being killed day after day, using all sorts of random and retarded excuses... before who ever attacked a Christian was defined as mentality and emotionally unstable! - as if! And now, it's always about a woman who converted! Don't you think it's degrading to the human mind and to the pride of Christians when it's simplified to this extent!!!

And I still have to smile and state: it's not racism, it's not an attack on a minority group... I have to pretend I'm okay with it and I have to go along with the flow and say: we're fine, nothing is wrong, this is just a little political tension, some external foreign agenda, the "bad guys of the old regime are messing with our heads trying to mess up the love and stability, our beautiful coexistence....

Seriously again: BULL SHIT!!

Every time something happens... I look at this post and I ask myself: do I post it? Do I loose the fake face that I pull up of it being a phase bound to end... Do I risk upsetting good friends because I'm pissed!? But seriously enough is enough... things are really getting too far!

I won't speak about the previously unjustified attacks on Christians... like Jan 2010 Christmas Attack in Nag Hamady and the Jan 2011 New Year attack in Alex and the "mentality instable" who decided to shoot 4 Christians in a train... let's forget about these... let's speak post Jan. 25... after Egypt regained it's so called freedom!

Let's see "just the main" incidents that took place: the burning down of the Atfeeh Church... the attack on Christian residents in Mokattam... cutting the ear of a Christian man in Elmenia... the persistent roits that the Christian governor of Qena leaves... Pope Shenoda being openly insulted... reports on missing Christian girls... a Coptic Priest being killed in his home in upper Egypt... random rumors about girls who converted... direct announcements and threats to attack Christian churches, disgusting rumors about churches and priests... attacks on 2 churches in Imbaba... and yesterday the mob attacks Christian protesters! And trust me there is a lot more!

All this over 2 or 3 months! Seriously is this logical, acceptable or fair to anyone!!

Are we expected to live with it?

Make peace with those who offend us, kill us and cut off our ears!! Shake hands and pretend as if nothing happened?

Seriously when is it enough... people are dying every freakin' day and we still fail to accept that it is hate crime!

When did it become okay to verbally insult religious figures, when did attacking churches become identified as a phase of political tension... and we're supposed to smile about it and say it'll pass!

Seriously.. what the hell!

Do you have any idea how hurtful and painful it is to endure this?!?

I avoid speaking about the topic because I've reached a point where I'm not sure I'll be diplomatic and tolerant... I'm no longer sure I'll be able to maintain objectivity... and when we object, when we demand action... it's not the right time to mention religious discrimination in Egypt... Egypt has enough to handle!

- sigh!

If places were shifted... if Sheikhs were insulted and mosques were attacked... I'm sure things would have been TOTALLY different!

It is becoming ridiculous! Who knows which church is next?! When did it become okay to be scared while going to pray!??

The situation is becoming sickening... too sickening! It is shameful and disgusting... it is frightening... Every day is worst than the day before!

Egypt is supposed to be my "home" and this is not how a person is supposed to feel at home! This home has nothing to do with stability, security and safety! And as much as this is sad... as much as I am pissed off and I cannot hide it anymore!

A Roller Coaster of Egyptian Events…

So, I don’t need to explain what has been going on in Egypt ‘cause I’m pretty sure the whole world knows it quiet well...

I won’t get into which side I’m on or what I think should happen 'cause first of all pre-Jan 25th politics were the last thing on my mind (sadly and admittedly). So this post is the farthest from that… In addition, we’re at a point where we should just respect our differences and regardless just think of what’s best for our country internally, externally and how we & others look and respect our country…

We’ve been in an unexpected & unprecedented series of events since January 25th, 2011. Some of them were good, some of them were sad, some of them were steps forwards, others were leaps backwards, some meant a sense of satisfaction for people who were able to bring about unexpected and historical change, for others it meant devastation for losing a loved one…

All in all, regardless what side people are on, we are all shocked… confused… and we definitely don’t know what to expect next… where this whole thing is going and when it’ll come to an end…

Tomorrow, I’ll be going back to work, after 9 days at home…

I have to say I’m little taken back with what to expect… and it sucks that the Egyptian streets feel scary…our streets were never quite... I hate the feeling that they're deserted... I hate that every time we hear a noise in the streets we run to the windows worried...

I’m worried about the lack of police, I’m worried about prisoners roaming around, I’m worried that men standing in the streets (legan sha3baya) protecting us get things out of hand (not and never will ignore their efforts, they are thankfully the reason for our safety until today), I’m worried that unpeaceful riots break out anywhere…

I'm devastated Egyptians are fighting each other, I'm heartbroken to all those we have lost during these events (I really really hope God grants their families the strength to move on because these people are going through a whole lot of emotions and feelings that we are not aware of)... I'm deeply worried about an internal or external conspiracy against our country and people...

I'm worried about our economic losses; I'm worried about all those who have lost their jobs and sources of income... I'm upset about all the damaged places...

The look of the military in the streets is making me feel uneasy… it’s giving me this weird gut feeling… thankfully they are protecting us, but... I dunno I just feel tensed...

This inability to breathe easily is just killing and frustrating me... This feeling of betrayal and weakness is just making me sad...

I’m just so disappointed to the whole situation in Egypt… And don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful to all the positive changes that took place in Egypt, I'm not and never will belittle them, and I know they’ve got a price…

BUT…

I want the safety back… I want the peace back… I want us to go back to being EGYPT… I can’t explain, but I know some of you know what I mean… I just want EGYPT back… firmly standing EGYPT back…

I want people not to worry about walking around the streets, I want to be able to come home any time I want, I don’t want to have this inner scare or uncertainty ‘cause I don’t know what to expect… I really don’t want to go to sleep and wake up racing to see the news… I want people from all over the world to come back and feel safe in our land...

YET...

In the middle of all that, Egyptians have grown this amazing bond between each other and I hope it lasts. Regardless which side we’re politically on, I hope it lasts… we’ve grown closer to one another, we protected each other, we cared about each other...

We forgot all the differences that drive us apart and really stuck with one another… we realized how much we really love this country… and how much we hate seeing it go down and how much we’re willing to protect each other and our country and how much we'd love to see it better...

And trust me this unity and love for our country is what will make us go through… let’s try and make the best use out of it… for the sake of Egypt and nothing else….

I don’t know what to expect next and I can’t claim I know it or that anyone does… I just hope that whatever happens, happens for the best... for Egypt, for its people…

God bless OUR country for real…