See to Believe...

We are often told a piece of information... and who ever shares it with us, assures us that it is true! Yet, for some unknown reason, we subconsciously refuse to believe it to be true...

We choose to live in denial either because what we've herd is just damn impossible or because what we believe just makes us feel a lot better than reality. Or maybe we fool ourselves by still believing in our gut feelings, which keeps nagging about how much whatever we believe is true! Even more, you could be someone like me who just has massive issues letting go!

And speaking from personal experience this denial can last for days, weeks or EVEN months... up UNTIL we get the wake UP call! We keep fighting and fighting the truth, searching for ways to defy it and prove it wrong... until we reach something! And this something, usually the ugly moment of truth, slaps us hard on the face! It tells you bluntly and clearly that what you've actually denied has always been TRUE!

I wish I believe things when I HEAR them... that would be easier and less hurtful! But to wait till I SEE things... this direct encounter with the truth... hurts more! If we just believe it from day one, we'd save ourselves from this harsh confrontation with reality!

Point is... our choices makes up end up here! All we can hope for, is to one day learn the lesson! 

                                                                              

~Sigh!

I'm PISSED!

So... me being a Copt in Egypt... I can clearly admit that this post will be biased!

But I'm seriously and honestly pissed at whatever is happening in Egypt... and particularly to us as a minority group, and yes we are a minority treated like a minority! I keep trying to keep politics outside my blog but with every passing day the situation is getting worst and worst and it is becoming unavoidable! And ignoring it just means I'm another hypocrite!

Let me flash back to Jan. 25... Egyptian Christians, or let me say most or some of them, were accused of being passive... that they don't care about their "home" land... that they don't want to participate in creating a "better future" for themselves... that they are watchers not do-ers... that we are supportive of the old regime... that they're leaving other people die and will later enjoy lavish "freedom!"

Let me just say: BULL SHIT!!

Personally I knew this would happen to Christians as a minority when all this instability started to erupt... personally I saw it coming, probably we as Christians all did... and personally I'm not gonna pretend I'm happy about this revolution just to fit in with the majority and avoid being attacked as a corrupt member of the "old regime!"

And I don't give a damn who is behind these attacks! I don't care if they're the Muslim Brotherhood, the Salfis, remains of the old regime, the mob, the police or even a bunch of WACKOS! I don't care if it's just a small group of uneducated people who lead to such events! The end result is the same!

And what are we doing about it?!? Waiting for the next attack to happen!

What I care about is that Christians are being killed day after day, using all sorts of random and retarded excuses... before who ever attacked a Christian was defined as mentality and emotionally unstable! - as if! And now, it's always about a woman who converted! Don't you think it's degrading to the human mind and to the pride of Christians when it's simplified to this extent!!!

And I still have to smile and state: it's not racism, it's not an attack on a minority group... I have to pretend I'm okay with it and I have to go along with the flow and say: we're fine, nothing is wrong, this is just a little political tension, some external foreign agenda, the "bad guys of the old regime are messing with our heads trying to mess up the love and stability, our beautiful coexistence....

Seriously again: BULL SHIT!!

Every time something happens... I look at this post and I ask myself: do I post it? Do I loose the fake face that I pull up of it being a phase bound to end... Do I risk upsetting good friends because I'm pissed!? But seriously enough is enough... things are really getting too far!

I won't speak about the previously unjustified attacks on Christians... like Jan 2010 Christmas Attack in Nag Hamady and the Jan 2011 New Year attack in Alex and the "mentality instable" who decided to shoot 4 Christians in a train... let's forget about these... let's speak post Jan. 25... after Egypt regained it's so called freedom!

Let's see "just the main" incidents that took place: the burning down of the Atfeeh Church... the attack on Christian residents in Mokattam... cutting the ear of a Christian man in Elmenia... the persistent roits that the Christian governor of Qena leaves... Pope Shenoda being openly insulted... reports on missing Christian girls... a Coptic Priest being killed in his home in upper Egypt... random rumors about girls who converted... direct announcements and threats to attack Christian churches, disgusting rumors about churches and priests... attacks on 2 churches in Imbaba... and yesterday the mob attacks Christian protesters! And trust me there is a lot more!

All this over 2 or 3 months! Seriously is this logical, acceptable or fair to anyone!!

Are we expected to live with it?

Make peace with those who offend us, kill us and cut off our ears!! Shake hands and pretend as if nothing happened?

Seriously when is it enough... people are dying every freakin' day and we still fail to accept that it is hate crime!

When did it become okay to verbally insult religious figures, when did attacking churches become identified as a phase of political tension... and we're supposed to smile about it and say it'll pass!

Seriously.. what the hell!

Do you have any idea how hurtful and painful it is to endure this?!?

I avoid speaking about the topic because I've reached a point where I'm not sure I'll be diplomatic and tolerant... I'm no longer sure I'll be able to maintain objectivity... and when we object, when we demand action... it's not the right time to mention religious discrimination in Egypt... Egypt has enough to handle!

- sigh!

If places were shifted... if Sheikhs were insulted and mosques were attacked... I'm sure things would have been TOTALLY different!

It is becoming ridiculous! Who knows which church is next?! When did it become okay to be scared while going to pray!??

The situation is becoming sickening... too sickening! It is shameful and disgusting... it is frightening... Every day is worst than the day before!

Egypt is supposed to be my "home" and this is not how a person is supposed to feel at home! This home has nothing to do with stability, security and safety! And as much as this is sad... as much as I am pissed off and I cannot hide it anymore!

Music To My Ears...

So I love listening to music... again, let me make it clear... I love LISTENING not HEARING music...

Hearing means it's a background beat... don't get me wrong beats are crucial... but to me words count... wordless musicals don't leave the same print on my soul! I relate more to lyrics... I feel better using literal words to explain how I feel! That's why to me lyrics makes or breaks a song! Therefore I'm keen to listen to what a song really has to say!

Listening to lyrics and going away with your mind and emotions elsewhere... listening and saying: how come this song says exactly how I feel... is an AWESOME feeling!

Sometimes I feel we listen to lyrics only when we want to... sometimes I hear a song for years and years to go and then one day on my drive back home, I actually listen to it for the first time ever! I realize I never really listened to the words! Never knew it meant that way... and I just get overwhelmed... 'cause I realize the lyrics are great! They make the song... they change the way you hear it!

Music just takes you elsewhere... lyrics tells you you're not the only feeling a certain way... it tells you, it's okay to feel this way... it's with you when you're upset, cheers you up when you're down... it's with you in every occasion... from your birthday, to your break up, to your graduation... all the way to your first dance...

We create memories around songs... sometimes we hear a song and it takes us back somewhere we left a long time ago... brings back images, feelings and scents... reminds of things... and even if they're memories you prefer to forget... deep down this time shift and drift back in time... this nostalgic moment... makes you smile... even if it's not on the outside... you smile on the inside...

There are some verses that really make me feel different inside... some verses that I can hear over and over and over again... non-stop... enjoying them every single time as if I'm hearing them for the very first time!

Music could be be the only language spoken... it's amazing...

What counts is to listen... listen to the words and allow them take you elsewhere...

“Without music, life would be a mistake..." Friedrich Nietzsche - This quote is TRUE!

April...

I absolutely HATE waiting... as in hate that comes from the bottom of the heart! Deeply rooted hate! Waiting is like KILLING me softly and slooOOoowly!

Waiting means I create all possible scenarios in my mind and I keep saying "what if" "what if" "what if" till I go crazy! It means all the negative things come to mind... it means I worry... It means I expect the worst... It means I'm frustrated till I know answers and outcomes to what I'm waiting for! It means uncertainty...

It simply means I'm waiting for something UNKNOWN... and I hate that!

True it is sometimes exciting... depending really on what it is we are waiting for, but mostly it's just annoying! This urge and the mental "push and pull" we go through while waiting is absolutely a hectic KILLER...

It's even a bigger problem when you get bummed out and disappointed after the wait... when the worst actually happens... when what you fearED becomes an absolute reality that you have no choice but to deal with...

BUT I got to say it is quite amazing when the wait ends with rewards, happiness, cheerfulness and optimism!

April 2011 is by far my biggest challenge ever when it comes to waiting. I helplessly have to wait until April ends in order to feel better! All I CAN DO is WAIT!

April needs to go by...I'm edgy, moody, tensed, pissed, tired and on the verge of exploding... I'm making up the simplest excuses to loose it... the simplest excuses to snap...

I need April to come to a peaceful end... I'm hoping this wait like all other "amazing" waits ends with rewards, happiness, cheerfulness and optimism!

-Sigh!

The Focal Point Of Our Lives…

I don’t know if this is true for others, applicable across cultures or equally valid for guys… but why is it that I feel our entire life revolves around finding the right partner!

I’m not denying that I’d love to run into the right guy… ‘cause I’d love that!

But why is it taking too much out of our thoughts and feelings?!?

I have no answer for this question… I’m just wondering out loud… so if any of you have suggestions; don’t hesitate to fill me in! But I noticed that whenever we girls get together this issue takes up a lot of our mental space!

We live to visualize what life with that significant other would be like! We create dreams and wait for them to turn into reality...

But the fact that our life revolves around finding the significant others just makes everything else seem like it’s not enough… you don’t enjoy it… like something is always missing!

Maybe I’m wrong… but sometimes I feel I’ve achieved a lot in my life… not a lot as in worldwide, recognized achievements, but I haven’t done so bad and I’m still not satisfied and I still feel finding that significant other might be the element that will complete the picture…

And I wonder, when that significant other is found, when the life partner is there… will I get that feeling of completeness? Will it be worth the wait? Will it really be the beginning of my dream of a perfect life? Or will I have another focal point around which my life exits!

Or is the focal point of our lives… the lack of satisfaction of where we are at the moment and what we have!

Honestly, I really have no clue!

Regret...

I know I’ve started several posts by claiming that I'll speak about something I hate… but seriously WHAT I HATE THE MOST is the feeling of regret!

Nothing in the world can explain how much I hate this feeling!

It means I’m beating myself up...

Wishing I can reverse back time is a KILLER! Makes me feel helpless. This overwhelming feeling of I WISH I hadn’t done that or said this... or why did I? Or couldn’t I have waited? Or whatever the words are is just so frustrating!

Makes me feel like I’ve stopped breathing!

Like I wanna bang my head into something! Or slap myself... Like I've reached my boiling point!! UFF!

It’s like I'm mad at no one but myself!

There are so many people who go on and on about how we should not regret stuff and how every experience should be a teacher… and I try not to regret stuff but I can’t. It’s beyond me!

Some of the stuff I really regret include…

Losing my temper quickly, hence making myself look bad…

Crying in front of someone, hence looking weak…

Over trusting someone, hence being a fool…

Giving someone a second chance, hence allowing myself to get hurt again…

Allowing someone to know how important they are to me; hence being disappointed when I’m not equally valued…

Getting too involved; hence having a very hard time letting go…

Saying too much; hence I say things I should keep to myself…

Lack of self control; hence not stopping myself from doing something stupid...

Being too honest, hence a lot of stuff that I will write a whole post about some other time!

-sighs!






I hate this retarded feeling of regret… uff! Seriously!

Complexity of Human Emotions...

Sometimes I really wish all people were equal to me... No one was more special than the other, no one was differentiated... No one was more loved or more hated....

And why is that... it's because of the complexity of human emotions... or perhaps it is just my complexity... I really dunno!

But some stuff do make me wonder...

Sometimes we argue with someone and we're completely okay with it; we speak after weeks or months (or we never do) and the whole thing doesn't even bother us... but come to argue the same exact argument with someone else and it's all you can think about and not speaking to them for several hours seems like the worst thing that has ever happened to you...

With other people, things just don't work out well for any random reason... and you really don't care or give 2 hoots; but on the other hand... things don't work out with someone else and you stay for days and nights, months and even years saying what if they had worked out... what if I did things differently, what if I was more patient... what if what if what if...

Sometimes we end things at a bad note with others and we really don't give a crap about how bad we might look to them and what they might think of us... but on the other hand, with someone else you really work hard on proving that you're a good person, you still care what they think although it won't ever work out and deep down you want to go back and change the way things ended...

How come sometimes you feel you were rude to someone (intentionally or unintentionally) and you are okay with it; while others... you beat yourself up for it every time you remember!

How come you give up on some people and it doesn't even cross your mind that you did, but others, you keep wishing everyday you were more patient, you keep telling yourself you didn't give them enough space or time... you keep asking yourself how on Earth did I give up on such a valuable person?

How come it's so easy to tell some people it's over, but others, you're not able to speak the words 'cause you're too scared of losing them?

How come we sometimes don't speak to people for years and then you remember it's their birthday and you quickly pick up the phone and wish them; while others.... no matter how much you want to make the call, you just can't get yourself to do it 'cause "hypothetically," you've moved on...

Actually, how come we sometimes forget the birthdays of our direct family members, but others, whom no longer exist in our lives we still remember their birthday every single year...

Why is it that some people just don't leave any sort of print in your life, but others, when you meet someone with their same name... you get lost for a few minutes in your own world of thoughts and you either frown or smile...

And how come, it easy to tell some people how much you love them, miss them and how life would be hell without them but others... you can't say it 'cause you're trying really hard to hide the fact that you do love them, miss them and that life without them is living hell 'cause you're the only one who knows that to that particular person these words mean differently?

How come some people that were once very close to you, now don't matter anymore and it doesn't bother you, but others, that you might have never really seen before matter so much and you keep wishing you really got to know them better?

How is it that there are people so close to us and we speak to them everyday then all of a sudden we get distant and you accept moving on; but others, letting go seems to be the hardest thing ever?

How come we sometimes see the rationale behind something not working out and the need to end things, but with others... grasping that parting ways is the right thing to do is just beyond your imagination and capabilities?

How come some people walk in and out of our lives and we never look back, but others, you might know the for an hour, a day or a year and they are able to cross your mind every single day as you open your eyes and before you go to sleep.

This list can go on forever really...

Sometimes I wish all people were equal to me... I love caring about people and I love having special people in my life that matter to me... but it has its downfalls too! Sometimes I wish that with all people once things are over and done I don't look back, I don't think twice and I don't say what if... But the point is... they're all people who walked out of our lives... people who took their chances one way or the other and left... things have ended because of you or them... the point is it ended and it's over! So in fact they are equal... but it's the complexity of our emotions that makes it harder from one person to the other...

And I wonder if some people who really do/did matter to me, but things did not work out with them for any reason... am I someone they look back to and remember or was it an easy case to them that they never flash back to... do they ever ask what if?

The only thing I'm sure of is that I really DO NOT want to know the answer to this last question!

Growing Older…

How does someone grow older?

Is it age? Sometimes I feel it has to do with age… I mean the day I turned 20 I wasn't too excited… and definitely the day I turned 25 wasn't thrilling at all!

However I realized that age isn’t always the indication of growing older…

I mean… there are days when I’m 25 and I feel younger than days when I was 22… if you get what I mean!

And those days when I feel young... I ask myself, why can't I just be that person everyday!? And the answer, I really dunno... I end up being old and grumpy uncontrollably! Like I'm helpless towards this disgusting feeling!

I feel growing older is a state of mind and emotions… Growing older means you worry yourself too much, you push yourself harder than you should, you punish yourself and you judge yourself harsher…

The more we immerse ourselves into problems, the older we get…

The more we worry, the older we get…

When we can’t careless and the weight keeps getting heavier; the older we get…

Telling yourself that you can’t do this because you’re not young anymore is the first sign of growing older…You convince yourself that you’ve grown when you haven’t…

You see yourself as old… although no one else does!

I figured that you can actually be young and spontaneous till the last day of your life… not immature… but young!

Laugh...

Sing...

Dance...

Go out...

Travel...

Take things as they come...

Worry less...

Believe it’ll work out on its own...

Let go of whatever it is that holds you back and makes you feel that way...

Do something stupid every now and then...

Stop being serious all the time...

Don't beat up yourself for things you cannot change...

Stop carrying more than you can hold...

I don’t claim I do that… on the contrary I do the exact opposite… and it pisses me off!

Lately I always feel old… Older than I am… Older than I should be… Emotionally and mentally older… I feel older than I deserve to be... Older than I owe it myself...

I even end up looking and sounding older than I am... people place me into this boring category!

And that just… makes me feel even sadder and hence… older! – sigh!