Reasons We Girls Smile...

There are so many reasons why we girls smile... Sometimes they're honest smiles and sometimes they're not... most probably every smile we've got has it's own meaning... a meaning we only know deep down because it reveals our true intentions...

We might smile because we really like someone or what's going on, or we might smile because we want to pretend like we like what's going on.

There is a smile that carries a lot of innocence with every thing this word could mean... and there is a smile that could carry seduction and an evil plan....

We might smile because we honestly carry good feelings for the moment or we could smile to hide loads of hatred and disappointment...

We might smile because we've just seen you, herd your voice or have you near...

We might smile because we're really out of words, nothing in the world would say how we feel or we could just have nothing to say and we're trying to avoid conversation. We might smile because we're completely indulged in whatever it is you're saying or we're just trying to seem interested...

Our smile could really mean we're truly happy and dancing deep inside or we could be smiling in order to hide utter and complete sadness and heart break...

We might smile because you're funny, or because we want you to think you're funny. Because we get what you mean or because we actually want to get you!

There is a smile that shows excitement, support and pleasure and there is one that hides anxiety, panic and fear...

We might smile because we love you or we might smile to make you think we love you. We might also smile in hopes that you would love us back. We might smile because we have you in our life, we might smile just thinking about you and we might smile because you just walked away.

We might smile as a replacement to saying we love you, we miss you, to thank you or to let you know we're happy you're there...

Sometimes we smile because you've taken us by great surprise...  or to hide the fact that we were expecting more..

We could smile at an inside joke we share or at the fact that we share nothing...

Sometimes we smile because we know it makes us look good...

Our smile could be naive and could mean that we fell for your game or it could mean that we're smiling because we know exactly what's going on and that we're being played.

We might smile because we've gone shopping and even more we smile because you're the one who paid...

We might smile because we know it makes you feel good and secure that things are okay...

Girls smile for so many different reasons... some are good and honest, coming deep from the heart and some are deceiving. Most of the time they're true smiles... Point is a girl's smile is always a charm... it's your call to know what that smile carries deep down because most probably... we'd never tell :)

FACE Your Relationship Issues!

So by now we are all sure I'm not quite the pro on relationships, however I'm good at observing... and listening to surrounding stories! Hence, I came up with the conclusion that relationships have becomes digitally influenced. What happens via social media and particularly Facebook really takes its toll on our relationships and emotions... Usually causing problems! 

We sit and analyze what people do digitally and make all these random assumptions and most probably they screw up our minds BIG time! And I gotta say, I know this happens with girls... boys I'm not so sure, but I'm guessing it happens or they know how to use it well against us very well knowing how we think!

For instance, here are some situations I've seen, heard or been through...

• OMG he is no longer single, does this mean he's dating?
• OMG I can't click on his picture anymore; did he put me on limited profile!
• His status on Facebook says "thinking" does this mean he's considering what I said!
• His status says "fed up," I think he gave up on me! 
• He wrote relieved, it means he's glad it's over!
• I can't believe we just finished arguing and he posted a Mafia Wars or Texas HoldEm Poker update! He really doesn't care! He's been playing while we argued! 
• Who's the girl who has been clicking Like on everything he says!?
• He just wrote he's happy, it means he's with someone else! 
• I checked his quotes, he's become so deep; you think he's changed, I think I stand a chance with him... 
• Since when is he into CityVille and FarmVille, he must be too bored without me! Or maybe that other girl is making him soften up! 
• He has a new friend on Facebook, I wonder who she is! How did they meet!
• OMG, I just realized he's been on Twitter, his tweets show on FB... he never told me he created an account or followed me! He must be hiding or something! Or he doesn't want to be my "friend" anymore
• His status is "worried" should I call and check up on him. 
• His Facebook relationship status is "it's complicated" maybe he's breaking up with his girlfriend and I should call him and be there for him! 
• He just posted a link to Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here," I think he misses me...
• He just commented on his friends pic, it means he's online, why isn't he answering me..
• You're mad at him you "un-friend" him on Facebook, you're back talking you "add him again" 
• You wanna bug him after a fight you change your status to "single"
• Others posts pics so you figure out he's gone out and not told you, or gone out with "girls" you don't like... 

Even more, the FIRST thing we do if engaged or married is update our relationship status for the world to know!

It's really endLESS... The non-stop scenarios we create to try and figure out what's going in with the other person makes us use Facebook to: spy on the guy if we're together, know his updates if we're broken up; see if he hooked up with someone when we're playing hard to get; criticize the guy if we hate him; know anything about him when we miss him; find reasons to hate him when we want OR find reasons to get back in touch with him when we need it... AS IF Every single thing he posts is an indirect message to us! 

True, what ever we guess could be true! But it could be that Facebook settings have changed and you just can't click on his picture; or he is thinking about a new job post; or he's fed up with traffic; he's happy 'cause he had a nice night out with friends; or the new girl he added is someone from work; or his quotes have always been there and you haven't seen them; or he's just bored and found a new interest in Facebook games; or he JUST felt like listening to Pink Floyd!

There is just a million different explanation!

I donno about you guys, but when it comes to relationships so far Facebook just messes things up! And when girls get together and talk... seriously, Facebook plays a major role in their relationships, love life and particularly fights!

The same happens with BBM's and Wats App statuses... we've really come to use technology in ways that frustrate us. Rather than making our life easier for us, they make them worst! It's already enough technology is messing up our face to face and direct relationships, we don't need to make it worst by playing guessing games that bring the worst out of us. 

Well the saying has been going around and I think it's really true... we need to FACE our problems rather than FACEBOOK them! Or at least we shouldn't use FACEBOOK to complicate things for our selves and mess up our brains with random ideas! It would really be easier to get up and make a clear cut effort in trying to find out about the lives of the people who matter to us 'cause clearly, all these nonsense we do, simply mean we still care!  It makes sense to me rather than just guessing stuff and crying about things we're not sure they even exist!

~ before you shoot me, I KNOW, sometimes all we've got is guessing, but it's just hectic! 

My Freakin' Enemy: IN-CONFIDENCE!

If there is anything I hate in life it's those moments when I loose all confidence in myself. Those moments when I let anyone in the world make me feel or even believe like I'm not good enough!

I hate them! They seriously 'cause me great emotional damage!

I hate it when I feel so imperfect, as if it would be impossible for any one to accept me for who I am! As if I'm repelling or unbearable! As if it's too much to ask to be accepted for who i am! As if who I am is really an example of the worst person in the world!

Those disgusting moments when you feel people are drifting away from you just because they started to really get to know you. When you feel that even the people who once liked you are no longer able to be with you because of the person you to turned out to be!

Every time I start telling myself... may be I'm not too bad after all! Every time I start seeing some light! Every time I feel that people might start to really accept me as a whole, with my good and bad! Every time I start telling myself that I was wrong, that may be I'm not as bad as I always thought I'm quickly reminded that it's easy for anyone to let me go! That if I were to actually go I wouldn't be missed! That if people were given a choice between letting me go and trying to work things out, they'd easily choose to let me go! That people don't look back when I'm gone... no regrets! Maybe it's actually a relief!

I've come to a point where I warn people about me! Tell them, don't worry, once you really get to know me, you'll soon realize I'm not that good! Probably not good at all! Because fact is, every time I start getting comfortable, every time I start to let my guard down and just be me... people walk away!

Sometimes I loose interesting in getting to know people, because believe it or not... I pretty much know how it ends! People hating me... and me hating myself even more!

I actually start doubting myself, being too harsh on myself... judging myself... taking all the blame for everything and anything that goes wrong!

Those days when I feel like no one in the world can stand me just because of who I am! Those days when I feel my destiny of being alone forever has really been determined! Those are the days I hate the most!

Simple to some of you, people may say: "find out what's driving people away, and change it!" Easier said than done really! What if what drives them away is who I really am! Something in the deep core of my personality! Something I really cannot change! Something I can't fix or improve! I did and do try to change a lot, I keep telling myself, they must have a point! But I truly fail at changing the core of who I am!

If people can't really accept me for who I am... then what the hell am I living for! To change and be molded into the person others want to me to be! So I can fit into their life the way they want me to fit, regardless of who I am.

I don't really ask anyone to change for me! I never tried to even change them! I really go beyond all I stand for and I accept people the way they are. I absorb them completely! Their bad before their good! I have no problem compromising or looking at the bright side! I tend to overcome a lot of bad, just for a few good! If I have it in me to see forgive and go past what ever faults they have, why can't they do the same!!?? Yet everyone just tends to look at the half empty when it comes to me!

And it annoys me when it really gets to me! When I myself starting seeing the half empty! Like I forget anything that could be good about me! Sometimes I even stop to think there is anything good about me! I come to a point where I see the cup fully empty! 

They keep judging me and judging me and judging me... and framing me into these horrible characters. Once, twice and trice until I believe that I'm this person! I step back and silently agree to what they say! Even if I try to fight back and defend myself, deep down I'm crushed! Deep down, I sometimes or even most of the time believe I'm horrible person! Deep down I'm just upset that I need to defend myself simply for who I am! 

And my defeat and silence and acceptance do not always come from utter believe that their judgement of me is true. It comes from the fact that I've given up to prove that I'm a good person. Or an okay person at least! That I'm not really someone who is self absorbed into their own thing, who refuses to accept what others say! Who sees things just from their angle!

I do admit I have my own issues! I can go on for lists and lists about all the stuff about me that are wrong and disgusting! But I tell myself everyone has their own share of crap! Their own problems! No one is perfect.. everyone messes up! I can't be that bad! At least I hope I can't be that bad! 

Sometimes I wish people would take time to invest into getting to know me... at least to create fair a judgement of who I am. It drives me nuts when people think they have me figured out when they haven't. And regardless of what I do... they rarely ever change their minds! I hate it when they simply start believing things about who  I am that aren't necessarily true! I just wish people would really give me a fair chance to show who I really am!

But again... I come to think... it's impossible that everyone is wrong... that everyone hasn't really given me a chance! Something must be wrong... something must be so repelling! It can't possibly be that everyone lacks the ability to truly understand me!

I start telling myself, if I was really someone else... I'd probably not like me either! What's there to like? And that really sucks! It makes me want to throw up! My stomach goes in knots and I really loose the ability to breath!

I start seeing one fault after the other! I keep telling myself maybe I should change! May be I'm really not that good! May be I'm not good at all! Something must really be wrong, annoying and offensive about who I am. Something so strong that it pushes people away every single time.

May be I lack the ability to show the good in me! Or may be I have a problem that makes people misunderstand me, or personify as this unbearable person! Or may be I'm really just a terrible person! I end up wondering, if i don't really like myself, how do I expect people to like me!?

And this moments where I'm in-confident about who I am and everything about me is a killer! Because in these moments I'm really assertive that I'm not someone, anyone would want for keeps!

The disgusting fact is I don't know if this is a phase I go through or if I'm really this repelling character! Because apparently this phase is something I go through a lot! All I know is that I hate the feeling! This feeling is my true enemy because when it conquers me... it really starts pulling me backwards until I completely sink back! It fully drains my energy!

When it hits me... I really have no reason to keep going! I become restless towards everyone and everything! Life looses purpose! There seems to be no point in continuity! Like there is no hope for things to change! In-confidence is my enemy and I wish it would give me a break! 

Lyrics I Love...

Can we pretend that airplanes, In the night sky, Are like shooting star, I could really use a wish right now" "When I see your face. There's not a thing that I would change. Just the way you are. And when you smile. The whole world stops and stares for a while. 'Cause girl you're amazing.The way you are." "I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you. I have been waiting all my life." "I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard. And got so far. But in the end. It doesn't even matter." "When we collide we come together. If we don't we'll always be apart. I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it. When you hit me hit me hard." "Im not afraid of anything in this world. There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard." "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be coming home again." "Let me be the one you call. If you jump I'll break your fall. Lift you up and fly away with you into the nigh. If you need to fall apart. I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn. You're not alone" "When you're broken in a million little pieces. And you're trying but you can't hold on  anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in yourself. When you're broken." "Butterfly well you landed on my mind. Damn right you landed on my ear and then you crawled inside. And now I see you perfectly behind closed eyes. I want to fly with you and I don't want to lie to you." "Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven." "Things aren’t the way they were before. You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore.  Not that you knew me back then. But it all comes back to me in the end." "I’m no beauty queen. I’m just beautiful me." "I had a dream my life would be. So different from the hell I'm living. So different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed." "I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy, I'll be your hope I'll be your love, Be everything that you need, I'll love you more with every breath,Truly, madly, deeply do, I will be strong I will be faithful, 'cause I'm counting on, A new beginning, A reason for living

A deeper meaning," "And if the night runs over. And if the day wont last. And if our way should falter. Along the stony pass. Its just a moment. This time will pass." "Hitting walls and getting scars . Only makes you who you are. Only makes you who you are. No matter how much your heart is aching. There is beauty in the breaking.""I could use a dream or a genie or a wish. To go back to a place much simpler than this" "And I know some day that it’ll all turn out. You'll make me work so we can work to work it out" "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love. Like I'm the only one who knows your heart." Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in. No one else, no one else. Can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten." "I've put my trust in you. Pushed as far as I can go. For all this there’s only one thing you should know:I tried so hard, And got so far, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter, I had to fall, To lose it all, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter." "I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time" "Oh I know that the music's fine. Like sparklin' wine, go and have your fun. Laugh and sing, but while we're apart. Don't give your heart to anyone. But don't forget who's takin' you home. And in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin' save the last dance for me." "I love you like a fat kid loves cake." "Have you ever loved and lost somebody. Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry." "There comes a time where you fade to the blackness. And when you're staring at that phone in your lap. And you hoping but them people never call you back."  "What am I suppose to do, When the best part of me was always you and, What am I suppose to say, When I'm all choked up and you're okay." "Someday love will find you. Break those chains that bind you. One night will remind you. How we touched and went our separate ways." "Better days are gonna find you once again. Every piece will find its place."

The VOICE...

I love being spontaneous! I do... I wish I can be that kindda person all the time! You know... the type of person who gets a thought and acts upon it... without hesitation... whatever the outcome is... or would be!

It's not being crazy or immature... it's just breaking out of the hectic routine and a mental process that kills the fun of life! Calculating risks and outcomes and regret!

I like being spontaneous... HOWEVER, every single time I try to be I get this VOICE... the inner voice... and man as much as I love it 'cause saves my ass sometimes... I seriously hate that it kills my ability to react on trigger!

Sometimes I wanna say something, make a move, break rules, let go of limitations... but this VOICE jumps in every single time with a list of inner thoughts that ruin it for me...

Are you sure you wanna do that?

Are you sure you won't regret it later?

But you hate regret?

What about how you look?

What would people think?

And these are the simple generic questions! Sometimes the VOICE gets pretty tough on me!

You know what... the VOICE is important... the VOICE "mostly" kicks in in the right time... stops me from doing stupid and ridiculous stuff... but sometimes I wish the VOICE would give me a break! It's restricting and limiting... It makes me doubt my gut feeling, and that pisses me off! And my main problem with it is that it's very very very influential and manages to change my mind almost every time...

And even more... the battle between my normal voice (completely driven by emotions) and my inner VOICE can be hectic sometimes... particularly when it goes on and on and on and on for days or weeks or even longer... and trust me it's a strong battle!

The type of battles that make you stay up all night... and daydream all day! The kind that make you fidgety and gloomy and frustrated and mentally occupied.

So currently I'm stuck between two strong emotions... one that loves the VOICE for kicking in sanity in me at the right time... and one that hates it for the very same reason!

The Beautiful ME and YOU...

Regardless of how we feel sometimes... we get our low esteem moments... our falls... our high peeks of self criticism... and the fact that we sometimes hate no one BUT ourselves... the FACT and the truth is... both me and you have a beautiful and amazingly kick ass side to us!

What kindda annoys me though... is that sometimes we try hard to hide the beautiful side to us because worried we'd seem corny... we like to appear as the strong, careless, arrogant, self centered JERKS we think we are...

Fact is... deep down I know I'm beautiful inside... and I know YOU are beautiful inside...

Sometimes I'd be sitting with a highly qualified "jerk" and outta the blue that person forgets that he or she has to give this uptight and annoying attitude and BINGO I see their beautiful side...

This beautiful ME and YOU moment could be: a simple smile, a statement about how much we love our moms, giving a homeless child something to eat, calling our little brother or sister because we're worried they're late, keeping a picture of our ex in our wallet, helping an old lady cross the street, bragging about how much we'd love to turn out like our dads, humming a cute romantic song, getting caught daydreaming and smiling, admitting that we sometimes cry, admitting that we actually forgave the person who hurt us the most, admitting that if we could actually tell that person that we did forgive them we would, that we still keep our teddy bear from childhood, that we still check our ex's Facebook page everyday, that we cry in movies, that flowers make our day, that we're suckers for chocolate, that our best friend is our dream man/woman, that our mom's food is the best thing we've ever tasted...

The list can go on forever...

The beautiful me and you moment, is a moment we don't plan for, a moment when we're lost in time... HOWEVER it can change how we see each other... It allows you to know something about me that you didn't know don't know... it allows me to see you from a different perspective... It is something that makes us both smile!

So... should we still care we look corny?!? I say NO! Let the beautiful me and you shine! Let it grow... Trust me being beautiful inside and letting it show is a lot better than being a jerk :)

April...

I absolutely HATE waiting... as in hate that comes from the bottom of the heart! Deeply rooted hate! Waiting is like KILLING me softly and slooOOoowly!

Waiting means I create all possible scenarios in my mind and I keep saying "what if" "what if" "what if" till I go crazy! It means all the negative things come to mind... it means I worry... It means I expect the worst... It means I'm frustrated till I know answers and outcomes to what I'm waiting for! It means uncertainty...

It simply means I'm waiting for something UNKNOWN... and I hate that!

True it is sometimes exciting... depending really on what it is we are waiting for, but mostly it's just annoying! This urge and the mental "push and pull" we go through while waiting is absolutely a hectic KILLER...

It's even a bigger problem when you get bummed out and disappointed after the wait... when the worst actually happens... when what you fearED becomes an absolute reality that you have no choice but to deal with...

BUT I got to say it is quite amazing when the wait ends with rewards, happiness, cheerfulness and optimism!

April 2011 is by far my biggest challenge ever when it comes to waiting. I helplessly have to wait until April ends in order to feel better! All I CAN DO is WAIT!

April needs to go by...I'm edgy, moody, tensed, pissed, tired and on the verge of exploding... I'm making up the simplest excuses to loose it... the simplest excuses to snap...

I need April to come to a peaceful end... I'm hoping this wait like all other "amazing" waits ends with rewards, happiness, cheerfulness and optimism!

-Sigh!

Regret...

I know I’ve started several posts by claiming that I'll speak about something I hate… but seriously WHAT I HATE THE MOST is the feeling of regret!

Nothing in the world can explain how much I hate this feeling!

It means I’m beating myself up...

Wishing I can reverse back time is a KILLER! Makes me feel helpless. This overwhelming feeling of I WISH I hadn’t done that or said this... or why did I? Or couldn’t I have waited? Or whatever the words are is just so frustrating!

Makes me feel like I’ve stopped breathing!

Like I wanna bang my head into something! Or slap myself... Like I've reached my boiling point!! UFF!

It’s like I'm mad at no one but myself!

There are so many people who go on and on about how we should not regret stuff and how every experience should be a teacher… and I try not to regret stuff but I can’t. It’s beyond me!

Some of the stuff I really regret include…

Losing my temper quickly, hence making myself look bad…

Crying in front of someone, hence looking weak…

Over trusting someone, hence being a fool…

Giving someone a second chance, hence allowing myself to get hurt again…

Allowing someone to know how important they are to me; hence being disappointed when I’m not equally valued…

Getting too involved; hence having a very hard time letting go…

Saying too much; hence I say things I should keep to myself…

Lack of self control; hence not stopping myself from doing something stupid...

Being too honest, hence a lot of stuff that I will write a whole post about some other time!

-sighs!






I hate this retarded feeling of regret… uff! Seriously!

Time...

I've always tried to figure out whether time is my friend or my enemy!? However, it's not time itself... it's the changes that time brings upon us that has this questionable impact on us...

For me, the worst thing time brings changes upon are relationships... Well true, love relationships, but not just that... Even friendships... or any possible relationship that could exist...

Let's see...

I was born and raised in Saudi Arabia; lived there for 18 years. I was in an International School with friends from every single part of the globe; then left that all behind and came to Egypt. Then I lived in the dorms for a year, where people came from all over Egypt or expats studying in Egypt and again left that behind and settled in my home. Then there was university where I spent four years with amazing people, and then we graduated and each took their own road to the future (worked elsewhere, got married, busy with kids, masters, PhD...) and changed three jobs so far each with a different set of busy people...

And true the internet has proved to be a major help to us in keeping people in touch and communicating. However, it's not the same... time has changed the nature of our relationships... how we speak and what we say...

There are also those people who we stop speaking to or lose touch with... 'cause we've argued over something stupid and we both can't get our egos to just get over it OR 'cause things didn't work out... OR for whatever reason! But despite the fact that we can't speak to them today 'cause there has been too much damage, deep down you still value them in your hearts and wished things were different!

And my question is... how is that someone can be in your life day in and day out, morning, night and then BOOM... they're no longer there. How's that fair, that you get used to someone and then they're not there anymore.

How is it that something comes up... and that was the one person you'd turn to but they're not there anymore to talk to them about it either 'cause you just haven't spoken in too long, 'cause you've agreed to part ways or 'cause telling them the story via e-mail is just not the same...

How is it that one day that person was everything to you and you share them everything and they're almost with you every single minute of every day AND NOW you think twice or even ten times before you say hello...

How is it that a childhood friend has now turned into status update to you? And we call that keeping in touch... you see their graduation pics rather than be there...

How is it that someone you wished would stay long enough in your life, now you no longer know anything about?

How is it that they cross your mind... and all you can do is let them JUST cross your mind...

How is it that all you can do is worry about them from afar 'cause time has put you at distant ends!

How, How, How, How, How...

Why does time change things this way? Why can't things stay the same... stay stable! Keep the people we value the same, they don't change... we don't change. Keeping the ties, keeping the feelings the same, the distance close... Making the bonds stronger rather than weaker!

And again I say, maybe this change is for the better... so I really dunno, does this impact time has on us and our relationships with people... does that make time our friend our enemy...

In some situations, I can assure you time is an enemy... I mean, why do childhood friends end up on different parts of the globe?

The way I see it, today it could be our enemy... later in the future, when we have better vision and a better understanding we'd see it as our friend...

Umm... I have no idea actually... after writing about it... It's more like LIFE not TIME that's an issue... and as they say in the end of every story, C'est La Vie or This Is Life....

The point is to train yourself to get used to it and to accept the changes that life or time throw at you... to let go of whatever was left behind... and tell yourself every MINUTE of every DAY that time is also capable of bringing better things your way!

Complexity of Human Emotions...

Sometimes I really wish all people were equal to me... No one was more special than the other, no one was differentiated... No one was more loved or more hated....

And why is that... it's because of the complexity of human emotions... or perhaps it is just my complexity... I really dunno!

But some stuff do make me wonder...

Sometimes we argue with someone and we're completely okay with it; we speak after weeks or months (or we never do) and the whole thing doesn't even bother us... but come to argue the same exact argument with someone else and it's all you can think about and not speaking to them for several hours seems like the worst thing that has ever happened to you...

With other people, things just don't work out well for any random reason... and you really don't care or give 2 hoots; but on the other hand... things don't work out with someone else and you stay for days and nights, months and even years saying what if they had worked out... what if I did things differently, what if I was more patient... what if what if what if...

Sometimes we end things at a bad note with others and we really don't give a crap about how bad we might look to them and what they might think of us... but on the other hand, with someone else you really work hard on proving that you're a good person, you still care what they think although it won't ever work out and deep down you want to go back and change the way things ended...

How come sometimes you feel you were rude to someone (intentionally or unintentionally) and you are okay with it; while others... you beat yourself up for it every time you remember!

How come you give up on some people and it doesn't even cross your mind that you did, but others, you keep wishing everyday you were more patient, you keep telling yourself you didn't give them enough space or time... you keep asking yourself how on Earth did I give up on such a valuable person?

How come it's so easy to tell some people it's over, but others, you're not able to speak the words 'cause you're too scared of losing them?

How come we sometimes don't speak to people for years and then you remember it's their birthday and you quickly pick up the phone and wish them; while others.... no matter how much you want to make the call, you just can't get yourself to do it 'cause "hypothetically," you've moved on...

Actually, how come we sometimes forget the birthdays of our direct family members, but others, whom no longer exist in our lives we still remember their birthday every single year...

Why is it that some people just don't leave any sort of print in your life, but others, when you meet someone with their same name... you get lost for a few minutes in your own world of thoughts and you either frown or smile...

And how come, it easy to tell some people how much you love them, miss them and how life would be hell without them but others... you can't say it 'cause you're trying really hard to hide the fact that you do love them, miss them and that life without them is living hell 'cause you're the only one who knows that to that particular person these words mean differently?

How come some people that were once very close to you, now don't matter anymore and it doesn't bother you, but others, that you might have never really seen before matter so much and you keep wishing you really got to know them better?

How is it that there are people so close to us and we speak to them everyday then all of a sudden we get distant and you accept moving on; but others, letting go seems to be the hardest thing ever?

How come we sometimes see the rationale behind something not working out and the need to end things, but with others... grasping that parting ways is the right thing to do is just beyond your imagination and capabilities?

How come some people walk in and out of our lives and we never look back, but others, you might know the for an hour, a day or a year and they are able to cross your mind every single day as you open your eyes and before you go to sleep.

This list can go on forever really...

Sometimes I wish all people were equal to me... I love caring about people and I love having special people in my life that matter to me... but it has its downfalls too! Sometimes I wish that with all people once things are over and done I don't look back, I don't think twice and I don't say what if... But the point is... they're all people who walked out of our lives... people who took their chances one way or the other and left... things have ended because of you or them... the point is it ended and it's over! So in fact they are equal... but it's the complexity of our emotions that makes it harder from one person to the other...

And I wonder if some people who really do/did matter to me, but things did not work out with them for any reason... am I someone they look back to and remember or was it an easy case to them that they never flash back to... do they ever ask what if?

The only thing I'm sure of is that I really DO NOT want to know the answer to this last question!

When There Is Nothing More To Do...

It’s really frustrating when you reach to a certain point in anything and you feel... that's it, there is nothing more you can do... more like you gave up or had have enough.... you become indifferent to whatever happens next!

This is the exact opposite of taking a chance on a happy ending that I mentioned in one of my previous posts… but seriously sometimes there is just nothing more to do… and I hate that deeply when it happens!

It’s a sign of defeat!

OR helplessness!

It's a waste!

You feel like you’ve exhausted all your options and you’ve put in your maximum effort and still there is no sign or hope that it works well…

The actual piss off… is when you actually had a good feeling about that thing and then you get to that point!

And my question is... is it right that we give up and accept that we’ve done all we can… OR do we just think we’ve done all we can?

Sometimes I feel I need to give up… and I tell myself that I should NOT feel bad because I’ve really done my best! And I do give up for a while! BUT then… I dunno I come back and say what if there was something more to do!

A freakin' endless cycle!

And this feeling of indifference… when you tell yourself, “Hell with it,” is a shame! ‘Cause when things that once mattered to you to stop to matter anymore… it’s like… I dunno the word… but a BUMMER!

And then come several questions... is it not working ‘cause of me? ‘Cause of the people? ‘Cause of the circumstances? ‘Cause it’s not meant to be?

I dunno… it’s just screwed up if you ask me!

I like to believe that some stuff aren't just meant to be...

I hate giving up… I do... I’m not the type of person who does! But I’ve come to accept that there are some stuff that you just need to put behind your back and move on… things and people that... I dunno... let's just leave it at that!

UFF! It’s just one of those days when I’m at the EDGE with everything :’(

- sigh -

You know what... hell with it... I'm NOT gonna depress myself over things I cannot change anymore... my next post will be A KILLER CHEERFUL POST! Heh! I owe it to myself :)