What is Stopping You? Umm… Me?

How many days have you woken up and decided today is going to be a better day? Not because you have this hinge that something will be different about it, but because you think you will be able to do things differently.

Personally, I get so many of these days. I wake up with a big smile, super positive… and in that spirit I put my make up on and make sure my hair all puffed up and nice… I dress up, get into my car, stop for my favorite coffee, play my favorite music and starting singing! I’m cheerful!

But then after the second song, pretty much... the old, grumpy, indifferent me comes back. All the negative or pointless thoughts start hitting me, one after the other... "it's been ages since I've been to the gym," about work, my personal life, my family, friends, my social life, the need to go to church more often, my diet, my spirituality, my big dreams around my career, love,‘oh Lord, I’m turning 30 where did my life go?!” And before I know it, my positive outlook to life and my desire to do things differently is gone! Surprisingly most times, nothing has happened to trigger this negativity. 

So I’m really wondering what stops us from keeping the smile, thinking positively, singing in our cars, packing our bags and going on an adventurous trip, working out daily, being really open to expressing what is exactly on your mind, and courageous enough to meet new people? I wish I knew… Sometimes I think it is out of habit that we are inclined to being negative, other times I think it is routine, culture, pressure to do things in certain way, worrying about work, or how people feel, satisfying others… I’m not sure!

But I guess acknowledging that you need that change… is still somehow a good start! 

Egypt... I Miss You!

So you know, no matter how much you complain when you're back home about how you'd love a new  experience and how much you need the change, like that would be the solution to all your problems. Let me tell you that is not always the case.

No matter how happy you are wherever you are and no matter how impressed you are by which ever city you land upon; even if it's supposedly one of the best in the world... you will still be homesick.

And regardless of the many problems and complexities that come along with the baggage of being home; you'd be surprised that when you're home with your family, the people you love and the streets you know best (despite their insanity) you are in your comfort zone. You don't have "major" issues to worry about it. Being away from home and alone makes you worry. Makes you fear things you never thought about and makes you realize what is really important for you.You don't realize how easy your life actually is when you are worry free. And yes, regardless of the never ending mess Egypt is going through, it is EASY!!!

It's home... you can't ask why or how or be surprised, but you just love it to the bones.
In the end there is no place like home.

I'm homesick. 
Being away from you sucks; and having to watch you on the news sucks even more.
I miss my family, my friends, my home, my room, my bed, my car, my old job, Egyptian people, our streets, our smiles, our music in the streets, our problems, our food, our traffic, our spirit, our humor... I miss my comfort zone!

I miss Egypt! I miss home!

Back On Track!

So it's not new years and its not time for resolutions...

But as I said i said the following in my previous post, "New Year... Evolution or Illusion?:" 

"Change does happen, but it doesn't need a clock or a date or to dim out the lights and turn them on to a new you... change is timeless; can happen anywhere, anytime, anyhow...

Change happens when you intend for it to happen...

Change that is time bound is an illusion...

Change that you create is a true evolution...

You decide your own New Year... your New Year, your real evolution, begins when you take a good look at yourself and you realize: now is the time to change!"

So today... right now, I decided that this is my "new year" here are my resolutions:

1. Be more religious! Seriously, I need to get closer to God.
2. Pray more, daily.... once at least!
3. Pray at all time... not just when I need something!
4. Go to church regularly! Once a week, once every to weeks MAX!
5. Find a good service to do.
6. Go back to dieting, FIERCELY!
7. Move on, realistically!
8. Avoid denial and quick fixes! 
9. Forget the people who've chosen to forget me.
10. Focus on the people care and the ones who'll stick with me! 
11. Learn to let go (HOPEFULLY)!
12. Learn to shut up (PLEASE GOD)!
13. Learn  to say NO! 
14. Don't make exceptions for anyone, at any cost! No one is worth it.
15. Do good in the world.
16. Make a difference.
17. Let go of the stupid things that prevent me from being awesome.
18. Be more confident, I actually ROCK! 
19. STOP making stupid mistakes! 
20. STOP caring too much! 
21. Have fun!
22. Be cheerful again!
23. ABANDON the virtual world, except for blogging! 
24. Write.. write and write!
25. Make my blog well known! 
26. Find a passion!
27. Find a place to dump in all my negative energy! 
28. Teach!
29. Be happy and screw the world and people, it's a good change! 
30. Drive more, listening to music and singing along! It cures my soul! 
31. Take more long, boiling hot showers! 
32. Travel more!
33. Dance more, break routine and act stupid (Perfectly healthy)! 
34. Learn the value of myself (MOST IMPORTANTLY)! 

I'll be back on track! 
I will!
I must be back on track! 
It's my only way out!

Reasons We Girls Smile...

There are so many reasons why we girls smile... Sometimes they're honest smiles and sometimes they're not... most probably every smile we've got has it's own meaning... a meaning we only know deep down because it reveals our true intentions...

We might smile because we really like someone or what's going on, or we might smile because we want to pretend like we like what's going on.

There is a smile that carries a lot of innocence with every thing this word could mean... and there is a smile that could carry seduction and an evil plan....

We might smile because we honestly carry good feelings for the moment or we could smile to hide loads of hatred and disappointment...

We might smile because we've just seen you, herd your voice or have you near...

We might smile because we're really out of words, nothing in the world would say how we feel or we could just have nothing to say and we're trying to avoid conversation. We might smile because we're completely indulged in whatever it is you're saying or we're just trying to seem interested...

Our smile could really mean we're truly happy and dancing deep inside or we could be smiling in order to hide utter and complete sadness and heart break...

We might smile because you're funny, or because we want you to think you're funny. Because we get what you mean or because we actually want to get you!

There is a smile that shows excitement, support and pleasure and there is one that hides anxiety, panic and fear...

We might smile because we love you or we might smile to make you think we love you. We might also smile in hopes that you would love us back. We might smile because we have you in our life, we might smile just thinking about you and we might smile because you just walked away.

We might smile as a replacement to saying we love you, we miss you, to thank you or to let you know we're happy you're there...

Sometimes we smile because you've taken us by great surprise...  or to hide the fact that we were expecting more..

We could smile at an inside joke we share or at the fact that we share nothing...

Sometimes we smile because we know it makes us look good...

Our smile could be naive and could mean that we fell for your game or it could mean that we're smiling because we know exactly what's going on and that we're being played.

We might smile because we've gone shopping and even more we smile because you're the one who paid...

We might smile because we know it makes you feel good and secure that things are okay...

Girls smile for so many different reasons... some are good and honest, coming deep from the heart and some are deceiving. Most of the time they're true smiles... Point is a girl's smile is always a charm... it's your call to know what that smile carries deep down because most probably... we'd never tell :)

The Bright Side...

We often get gloomy and depressed, we often decide that the world is such a dark and twisted place! Okie, let me rephrase! I often think the work is dark and twisted! I loose sight of all the good stuff that could have happened in my life... and the good stuff that continue to happen every single day.

Anyhow... sometimes I get those moments when I start cursing my entire life from the moment it started... I don't see except all the bad stuff! It seriously drains me!

But then a little thing happens and it reminds me with all the great stuff in my life.

SO what's the little thing that happened!? Well my brother posted the below picture to my Facebook wall... and it really got me to remember my life as a little kid! I used to do this! My childhood was awesome! My childhood is just one of the pretty amazing things in my life!

Let me just list a few of the things that we stop noticing after a while because they have become inevitable:

My great family...
That my mom still hugs me every morning when I wake up...
My good health...
My amazing childhood memories...
The fact that I have all my needs...
The fact that I can get most of my wants...
My education...
My friends...
That most nights I get a good night's sleep...
That in the end of the day, there are no massive problems to worry me or keep me up all night...
Actually, the fact that I've got a cozy bed at home waiting for me every night... 
That I can still smile...
That regardless of what I say and how much I whine, I do have people who care about me...
That I've got a brother who'd remember me when he sees a picture like this.. would send it to me 'cause he know it would make my day...

Point is those things have become part of our routines so we don't realize their importance. We don't realize that those little things are what keep us going. That if they're gone we'd realize the impact they have on our lives.

If every time we get gloomy, enter into the dark and twisted depressed mood... IF we take the moment to remember at least 1 of those little things that make us happy, or at least make us smile... trust me, things would be bright again!

Mom & Dad...

From the first minute we open our eyes to the world, we find two people who are simply devoted to taking care of us and to making our life better.

Mom & Dad!

Our parents are there for us from the first minute we set foot to life... giving us enormous love and support whenever needed. Even when we don't ask for it. Even when we don't realize that it's love. Never asking for anything in return. Their only payback is us being happy.

Our parents shape their entire lives in order to provide for us the best life ever... from the minute we're born, their lives revolve around what we want and how they would give it to us.

They work hard, day and night... to give us good lives, good education and to see our dreams come true. Then they work harder to put a smile on our face. And then they go the extra mile to make sure this smile stays there.

Anything to put a smile on OUR face. That's all they actually live for.

BUT...
Then we grow up...

We start having our own lives. Our own demands. Our vision. Our own plans and desires. We grow up and feel the need to shape our own lives... naturally!

We make plans for our careers, plans for our education, plans for traveling, plans with friends, plans with our partners and plans for our future kids...

The question is... When we make plans for our lives do we take into consideration where our parents stand in them?

Do we stop and ask ourselves where do our parents stand in the middle of all that?

Do we place them as a priority in our new plans like they've always treated us as their top and only priority?

Do we realize that as we grow up we become responsible for them and they count on us as their first and sole dependents in life?

Do we consider what they want? Or do we expect them to continue shaping their lives around our new lifestyles?

Do we realize that we sometimes leave them behind forgetting the impact it would have on them. That we sometimes lose focus. That we might make them feel less important over time.

Personally I don't think they mind... they still would do whatever makes us happy. From their perspective, I'm sure they're saying, "whatever makes them happy." They never expected anything in return in first place.

That doesn't mean we abuse it.

I don't claim I know what the future holds for me and where they would fit into the picture.

But I know I'll try my best to make them happy always and forever.

I'll make sure they never feel like they're not my number one priority. I'll never make them feel forgotten. I'll never make them feel less important.

I'll do anything...

Anything to put a smile on THEIR face.

You've Changed...

I've previously written a post titled The Beautiful You and Me... and I guess this is quite related to it... 


Sometimes I look at someone and I feel he or she has changed... more like softened up, lost their edge with time... and that's really not something bad, it's more like they've just loosened up with time and have let their softer side shine...


Whatever happened could really be meeting someone, getting married, having a child, going through a rough experience, loosing someone, becoming better friends or simply just growing up... 


And surprisingly this change just brings this person under a new light... makes me look at this person differently... with some sort of admiration...


I've lately been seeing a lot of changed people... people who no longer care that it's corny to play games on Facebook despite claiming that it's kiddish for years... others who have risen above tension in the past and make sure you know you're still dear to them.... others who don't mind crying in front of you... others who admit they love hanging around kids...


I've lately been seeing a lot of changed people... changed to the better... people who allow you to see their other side... who share the better version of them... who really show the beautiful them... I've lately been smiling a lot! Thanks to the people who have changed... 

The Beautiful ME and YOU...

Regardless of how we feel sometimes... we get our low esteem moments... our falls... our high peeks of self criticism... and the fact that we sometimes hate no one BUT ourselves... the FACT and the truth is... both me and you have a beautiful and amazingly kick ass side to us!

What kindda annoys me though... is that sometimes we try hard to hide the beautiful side to us because worried we'd seem corny... we like to appear as the strong, careless, arrogant, self centered JERKS we think we are...

Fact is... deep down I know I'm beautiful inside... and I know YOU are beautiful inside...

Sometimes I'd be sitting with a highly qualified "jerk" and outta the blue that person forgets that he or she has to give this uptight and annoying attitude and BINGO I see their beautiful side...

This beautiful ME and YOU moment could be: a simple smile, a statement about how much we love our moms, giving a homeless child something to eat, calling our little brother or sister because we're worried they're late, keeping a picture of our ex in our wallet, helping an old lady cross the street, bragging about how much we'd love to turn out like our dads, humming a cute romantic song, getting caught daydreaming and smiling, admitting that we sometimes cry, admitting that we actually forgave the person who hurt us the most, admitting that if we could actually tell that person that we did forgive them we would, that we still keep our teddy bear from childhood, that we still check our ex's Facebook page everyday, that we cry in movies, that flowers make our day, that we're suckers for chocolate, that our best friend is our dream man/woman, that our mom's food is the best thing we've ever tasted...

The list can go on forever...

The beautiful me and you moment, is a moment we don't plan for, a moment when we're lost in time... HOWEVER it can change how we see each other... It allows you to know something about me that you didn't know don't know... it allows me to see you from a different perspective... It is something that makes us both smile!

So... should we still care we look corny?!? I say NO! Let the beautiful me and you shine! Let it grow... Trust me being beautiful inside and letting it show is a lot better than being a jerk :)

Music To My Ears...

So I love listening to music... again, let me make it clear... I love LISTENING not HEARING music...

Hearing means it's a background beat... don't get me wrong beats are crucial... but to me words count... wordless musicals don't leave the same print on my soul! I relate more to lyrics... I feel better using literal words to explain how I feel! That's why to me lyrics makes or breaks a song! Therefore I'm keen to listen to what a song really has to say!

Listening to lyrics and going away with your mind and emotions elsewhere... listening and saying: how come this song says exactly how I feel... is an AWESOME feeling!

Sometimes I feel we listen to lyrics only when we want to... sometimes I hear a song for years and years to go and then one day on my drive back home, I actually listen to it for the first time ever! I realize I never really listened to the words! Never knew it meant that way... and I just get overwhelmed... 'cause I realize the lyrics are great! They make the song... they change the way you hear it!

Music just takes you elsewhere... lyrics tells you you're not the only feeling a certain way... it tells you, it's okay to feel this way... it's with you when you're upset, cheers you up when you're down... it's with you in every occasion... from your birthday, to your break up, to your graduation... all the way to your first dance...

We create memories around songs... sometimes we hear a song and it takes us back somewhere we left a long time ago... brings back images, feelings and scents... reminds of things... and even if they're memories you prefer to forget... deep down this time shift and drift back in time... this nostalgic moment... makes you smile... even if it's not on the outside... you smile on the inside...

There are some verses that really make me feel different inside... some verses that I can hear over and over and over again... non-stop... enjoying them every single time as if I'm hearing them for the very first time!

Music could be be the only language spoken... it's amazing...

What counts is to listen... listen to the words and allow them take you elsewhere...

“Without music, life would be a mistake..." Friedrich Nietzsche - This quote is TRUE!

Photos...

There are two types of photos...

There are photos we paint as illusions in our minds... they represent our dreams of how we hope something would turn out to be...

These photos are the usually beautiful, lavish and imaginative ... they takes us with our thoughts and feelings elsewhere... they lift us up when we're down... they convince us deep down that there is light at the end of the tunnel... they tell us that despite of anything things will get better and will one day turn out the way we wanted...

True... sometimes we're disappointed when these photos are never reached and framed into reality... but we cannot live without them. These unrealistic photos are sometimes what gives us the strength to move on... they give us reasons and excuses because we hope we reach these imaginary lives at the end...

The other type of photos are actual pictures we have in albums... they represent our special moments and valued memories. They help us remember good times when we're nostalgic...

These pictures also help us move on when we're down because when we look back at them we know that family warmth always gives us a feeling of security, that loyal friends exist, that every Christmas you smile helplessly, that birthdays are a time of love, that you've achieved a lot, learned a lot... simply you see proof that good things do happen!

As much as these pictures show you how much time has passed... they remind you that there were a lot of good times...

We can't live without both types of photos... some of them are dreams which we hope they turn into a reality.... and others are reflections of the best times in our lives... both are essential for us...

Photos are very special... I love taking photos and creating photos of what my future can be!

Growing Older…

How does someone grow older?

Is it age? Sometimes I feel it has to do with age… I mean the day I turned 20 I wasn't too excited… and definitely the day I turned 25 wasn't thrilling at all!

However I realized that age isn’t always the indication of growing older…

I mean… there are days when I’m 25 and I feel younger than days when I was 22… if you get what I mean!

And those days when I feel young... I ask myself, why can't I just be that person everyday!? And the answer, I really dunno... I end up being old and grumpy uncontrollably! Like I'm helpless towards this disgusting feeling!

I feel growing older is a state of mind and emotions… Growing older means you worry yourself too much, you push yourself harder than you should, you punish yourself and you judge yourself harsher…

The more we immerse ourselves into problems, the older we get…

The more we worry, the older we get…

When we can’t careless and the weight keeps getting heavier; the older we get…

Telling yourself that you can’t do this because you’re not young anymore is the first sign of growing older…You convince yourself that you’ve grown when you haven’t…

You see yourself as old… although no one else does!

I figured that you can actually be young and spontaneous till the last day of your life… not immature… but young!

Laugh...

Sing...

Dance...

Go out...

Travel...

Take things as they come...

Worry less...

Believe it’ll work out on its own...

Let go of whatever it is that holds you back and makes you feel that way...

Do something stupid every now and then...

Stop being serious all the time...

Don't beat up yourself for things you cannot change...

Stop carrying more than you can hold...

I don’t claim I do that… on the contrary I do the exact opposite… and it pisses me off!

Lately I always feel old… Older than I am… Older than I should be… Emotionally and mentally older… I feel older than I deserve to be... Older than I owe it myself...

I even end up looking and sounding older than I am... people place me into this boring category!

And that just… makes me feel even sadder and hence… older! – sigh!