Look What You Made Me Do!?

We often go through terrible experiences in our lives that put it in difficult, stressful and hectic emotional situations... situations that create heavy emotional burdens on us... and we try our best to find a way out of them. As a result, we turn to the nearest exit... the soonest way out in order to feel OKAY. Or perhaps tell ourselves that we're okay... even if it is just an illusion. And usually it is.

Anything to make you feel good again. Even if its temporary. And usually we do know that is bound to end. We think the distraction will do us good. But when this distraction is gone... we AGAIN get hurt. We think we won't but we do... so instead of feeling better, healing and moving on. We create more emotional scares for ourselves.

We don't find "new" reasons to feel happy! But we rather find "new" reasons to be hurt!

Most of the time... we often wake up from the exit when we find ourselves at another dead end.
This quick fix actually brings more trouble.
Because you fool yourself, you go through deep denial and therefore you take the very wrong decisions and you fall into bigger traps.
In stead of working on forgetting things that you want out of your system and moving on... you actually create more things to regret... you create more burdens and more mistakes...
You look around and you realize that the whole world has moved on and you're still right where you were... maybe even moving backwards.

When does a person learn... when do we actually move on. When do we actually stop fooling ourselves. When do we really move on free of denial... like get cured of this emotional shit we put ourselves through.

I do blame myself for moving from one trap to another. From one stupid mistake to an even bigger mistake. From one thing to regret to another crappy thing to regret!
But I also blame you.
I'm not mad at myself or others as much as I'm mad at you.
Seriously... in order to move on I took the wrong routes.
Really!
Look what you made me do!?

Silence is Gold...

I have a serious problem shutting up! 


When I'm filled up with negative feelings... I can go on and on and on about it until I feel better. My ability to rattle about things none stop is actually driven by good intention... I believe that when you let things out... you eventually sort out problems and things get better. I believe that once people discuss what is bothering them that we reach happy endings! I believe it's better than holding grudge... little do I know I guess!


I also feel frustrated when I have something to say and I don't... I feel trapped! So once I get a chance to say it... I fire! Additionally, I don't believe my anger, hurt and frustration can be said in a few words... so I keep saying it over and over and over in different way... trying to find the best words to explain how I feel.


It also seems that I'm just blaming the other person for everything... like I'm a victim... that's not how I plan to make it sound...


Believe it or not... it's unintentional and out of good intentions.... and it's yet beyond me to stop!


I do it out of the believe that when people are close enough there is space for "3etab and 3asham" two Arabic words (which I can't find the right descriptive English words for them) that I believe for them to be the core of healthy relationships!


People tend to disagree... they think I'm nagging, saying stuff over and over... and they think I don't know how to stop and when to stop... They think it's annoying and frustrating and a never ending process! They think I'm anti-happiness! 


Putting myself in their shoes... I get where they are coming from... I usually mess up when I'm talking... Since I'm totally driven by emotions, I sometimes use big and hurtful words. Usually when I'm saying what I say I don't feel good. Sometimes I wish I can stop myself... I try and I fail miserably... It's built within me... it is something I regret doing every time... I wish I can give people a break and a chance to improve things... but instead I go on and on and on...


I assume people, who are considerably close enough, would get the mechanics that drive me, would understand my good intention behind it... but they don't and probably never will. I assume people would be able to move past all that has been said and work out things... but that's clearly not the case!


Silence is GOLD! I deeply believe this is true... silence saves me from looking bad, self humiliation, regret.... it saves me from having to say sorry later 'cause no matter how right I am I still seem like the one to blame! My "anger and emotions talking" spoils all possible good things! It clearly puts people on their edge! It puts me in a situation where I owe people explanations that I don't actually have to give... It puts me in a position where people can't ever come back to make things better because according to them too much damage was made! So although they should be the ones coming back... I'm the one who always has to go back and fix things!


When I look back there are many times when I wish I remained silent... I keep asking myself what if I remained silent would things have been different?! So I'm trying my best to practice silence... to learn from previous mistakes. I'm practicing when to stop myself and shut up! I'm trying to learn when I've said enough! I'm trying GOLD!