Stupid Moment Glorified...

So earlier I wrote about the general moments of stupidity but I gotta say currently I'm experiencing a severe and intense one of them...

I also wrote the following part in one of earliest posts called Letting Go:

"So, I'm hoping this blog here helps me out... 'cause I like to write... so instead of getting in touch with whoever that person is and saying what ever I need to say... I'll come here and write it, get it out of my system... get it off my chest... until I one day I just really let go..."

So here I am, venting my stupid moment on my blog rather than doing something stupid I would regret!

So.. my stupid moment is that moment when you miss someone you shouldn't be missing! I've this urging and itching feeling to get in touch with someone and I know it's getting me no where!

I've written the sms and deleted it, I've written the FB message and deleted it, I've prepared an e-mail (and that's still my drafts, hope I do delete it soon)... I've started dialing and stopped myself... I've rehearsed a call then changed my mind!

But I do have words that I have to say and I need to get them out out of my system so I'm writing this... because as a human I just need to vent sometimes! I need to talk about my feelings... because keeping them to myself more and more and more is just plain hectic! I'm tired of it! Because if don't get it out, I'll crack! Really soon!

As much as I wanna take action, say I miss you, see how things go... as much as I know it's stupid... as much I know it's pointless as much as I know it's heading no where, as much as I know it means more regret and feeling like a fool later...

As much as I wanna call it hope, second chances, trying to be better, sacrifice, compromise... on the other side there is another voice in me screaming: pride, you've tried enough, it's pointless, you'll get hurt AGAIN... and you're just being plain stupid!

As much as I want to believe that whatever words I have to say could have the ability to change things around, I know this dream or hope is driven merely by an intense wave of emotions and isn't true!

And as much I want to believe that if things do change around I will be happy... as much as I want to believe that something good can happen... a big part of me is uncertain, reminding me of how many times I've already tried and how many times I've already been hurt!

Part me of is slapping my in the face saying: Seriously! Haven't you had enough!? Where the hell is your sense of pride!? What on earth makes you think things will change? Didn't you say you won't be putting yourself in this damn position again!? Didn't you say it's that person's turn to make a move! Didn't you say even if that person makes a move you're plainly saying NO!

But the other side of me is answering simply: I can't help it! I'm willing to sacrifice if there is hope!

BUT reality, practicality and experience say: that's just stupid!

So i'm feeling stupid right now. I'm really trying hard to practice my ability to let go, my ability to stop myself and fight temptation of stupid emotions, I'm really trying to tell myself no!

But bigger than all those feelings I'm missing someone and neither can I do anything to bring me closer to that person nor can I stop this overwhelming and tiring feeling! And that just sucks!

And knowing that it's pointless and still being in denial and thinking about it... makes even stupider! Uff! Gosh!

I hate where I am now! This helpless and weak will is just a killer! And i hate it!

-sigh!

This is one post I'm not publicizing... this is one post I'm not sharing on Facebook and Twitter, maybe 'cause I hate how I'm feeling, maybe I'm embarrassed, maybe 'cause I hate being this weak and exposed and maybe 'cause I don't want everyone I know to see how stupid I am. I'm writing this because I just NEED to vent and let it out! So if you come across this post, as much as I want you to tell me to have hope and go for it, to trust my gut feeling, to get in touch to tell the person "I miss you", I would rather have you talk me out of it! Please!

My Awareness That My Current Life is Temporary...

So, don't freak out from the title, I'm not going to speak life and death!


I was at this event called, TEDxCairo (pretty big cool event) and I herd a speech from Mr.Hesham El Gamal about achieving your dreams!


So of course that got me thinking, and I though... "is this the life I really want for myself?" 


Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty much okay with my current life, my family, my job, my friends, my studies... everything is running smooth, I wont complain! However, it's not my dream life!


I'm not going to brag about myself, BUT, I'm a person who likes art, I do amazing hand made artwork, calligraphy, I like writing, I'm talented at public speaking and presentations and my dream is to teach with passion! Deep down, I believe I can be famous and a positive influencer. 


I try my best to make use of the things I love, integrate them in my day to day, for instance this blog! However, it's not the same... I'm not really doing the things that I'm passionate about... like really really passionate, if you know what I mean.


I previously wrote a post called December in 2010, and how this month reminds us that a whole year has passed by without us doing what we really wanted to do. And here we are; 2011 is almost half way through and on  the personal level it's exactly like every other year before. It's going by fine, I'm doing well... but it's not going the way I've always dreamed it would.


But just fine is really not enough! Just fine doesn't give this overwhelming and satisfying feeling! It doesn't get you anywhere next to self fulfillment. 


So I herd that speech and I said... what the hell, I too can live my dream... turn it into reality. I came up with a definite conclusion that my current life is temporary... until I really get where I want... and where is that? I want to be a famous writer, inspired by art, and a teacher EVEN IF all this seems like too much and undirected... but that's the point, it's my dream :)


Good luck to me!