Closure...

Reference to my previous post (Silence is Gold) which speaks about how I don't feel relieved until I say all that I want and get everything I want off my chest... people may find it natural to believe that I find closure in being the one to say the last words in an argument... As if that gives me closure!

However, that's not true! Closure to me has a totally different meaning!

True... blabbing out all that is bothering me is something I tend to do and can't help most of the time. However as I previously mentioned my blabbing comes with a good intention... Even if this seems hidden!

What's worst is that I reach to this boiling point that leads to explosion with people I care about! I tend to avoid confrontation which I know would be bad and then I explode. So dramatic endings with such people hurts me more than it hurts them. The last thing I plan for is loosing them. I consider the people I care about an embedded part of my life. As I said I assume they'd be okay with me venting... But I don't assume anyone should endure what seems to be taking crap!

IN FACT I find closure in happy endings and in peaceful endings to my arguments.

True my venting and speaking out may make happy endings hard to reach... However this is my honest intention.

Closure to me is when no hard feelings exist... Closure is when I'm sure I haven't hurt any one... Closure is when I feel words have actually ended (nothing more to be said by either sides)... Closure is soul and mind feeding... Closure is finding inner peace...

I've learned that my venting doesn't help me get where I want... I vent because I feel this person is close enough to me to endure this venting and to know the good I mean I behind it... I vent to the person instead of speaking about them to someone else... I vent because I'm calling out for the person's attention...

But it's clear to me that my venting means loosing people... It leads to sad endings rather than happy ones...

I don't find closure in loosing people or in hurting them by what I say... I find closure in happy endings... I need to change my way to find closure and for people to really know who I am... My good intention seems be unclear to people and seems to drive me in the oppoite direction...

I don't find closure in making people feel bad or in having the final say. I don't find closure in winning arguments. I don't find closure in being a victim or gaining sympathy... But that's what my venting results in.
My venting doesn't only hurt people but it also hurts me... Regret kills me! Sad endings frustrate me! Being judged falsely drains my breath! Hurting people makes me feel guilty! And above all loosing people I really care about is something I never get over!!!

My venting is harming me more than any one else! My venting isn't allowing me to find closure!

I need to find closure! I need to change.

Silence is Gold...

I have a serious problem shutting up! 


When I'm filled up with negative feelings... I can go on and on and on about it until I feel better. My ability to rattle about things none stop is actually driven by good intention... I believe that when you let things out... you eventually sort out problems and things get better. I believe that once people discuss what is bothering them that we reach happy endings! I believe it's better than holding grudge... little do I know I guess!


I also feel frustrated when I have something to say and I don't... I feel trapped! So once I get a chance to say it... I fire! Additionally, I don't believe my anger, hurt and frustration can be said in a few words... so I keep saying it over and over and over in different way... trying to find the best words to explain how I feel.


It also seems that I'm just blaming the other person for everything... like I'm a victim... that's not how I plan to make it sound...


Believe it or not... it's unintentional and out of good intentions.... and it's yet beyond me to stop!


I do it out of the believe that when people are close enough there is space for "3etab and 3asham" two Arabic words (which I can't find the right descriptive English words for them) that I believe for them to be the core of healthy relationships!


People tend to disagree... they think I'm nagging, saying stuff over and over... and they think I don't know how to stop and when to stop... They think it's annoying and frustrating and a never ending process! They think I'm anti-happiness! 


Putting myself in their shoes... I get where they are coming from... I usually mess up when I'm talking... Since I'm totally driven by emotions, I sometimes use big and hurtful words. Usually when I'm saying what I say I don't feel good. Sometimes I wish I can stop myself... I try and I fail miserably... It's built within me... it is something I regret doing every time... I wish I can give people a break and a chance to improve things... but instead I go on and on and on...


I assume people, who are considerably close enough, would get the mechanics that drive me, would understand my good intention behind it... but they don't and probably never will. I assume people would be able to move past all that has been said and work out things... but that's clearly not the case!


Silence is GOLD! I deeply believe this is true... silence saves me from looking bad, self humiliation, regret.... it saves me from having to say sorry later 'cause no matter how right I am I still seem like the one to blame! My "anger and emotions talking" spoils all possible good things! It clearly puts people on their edge! It puts me in a situation where I owe people explanations that I don't actually have to give... It puts me in a position where people can't ever come back to make things better because according to them too much damage was made! So although they should be the ones coming back... I'm the one who always has to go back and fix things!


When I look back there are many times when I wish I remained silent... I keep asking myself what if I remained silent would things have been different?! So I'm trying my best to practice silence... to learn from previous mistakes. I'm practicing when to stop myself and shut up! I'm trying to learn when I've said enough! I'm trying GOLD!