The Ugly Truth...

The truth as a matter of fact is always ugly...

Some stuff walk into our lives... confidently and fiercely... we try to resist them...
Then they assure us that they are realities...
And insist....
And they forcefully impose themselves into our lives...
Until we actually get used to them being there...
And we start accepting them as part of our lives...
We start to take what they say for granted...
And believe it...
And create stories in our heads about them...
We adjust ourselves that they've become part of our life..
Even for a while...
But we assume it'll last...
Because they told us so...
We get into a mind set that they're here to stay...
That maybe an imaginary story we had...
May turn into reality...

BUT then...
Once we do get attached...
The withdrawal starts...

We realize that perhaps we took what they said for granted...
May be a little too far...
And it confuses you...
When you realize that perhaps you have built sand castles...

The truth comes to you as a strong slap on the face...
Because all you've heard was not necessarily from the heart...

And you beat yourself up for fall for it...

And then you click REWIND....
And then REPLAY....
And most probably you realize that your resistance that came earlier had a reason for it...
That there were too many signs that you shouldn't have ignored...
That may be you're the one to blame for the situation you're in...
And you question how did you end up there?!?
AGAIN?!?

Perhaps the void you've had needed to be filled...
So you turn to the quick fix...
Regardless the fact that you know it wouldn't end well....

So you end up with nothing but...
Guilt...
Regret...
Humiliation...
Depression...
Sadness...
Stupidity....
Self-Blame...
Stress...
Insanity...

And a truth so ugly...
That  you're destined to carry on your own...
Add to the list of thoughts you want to forget...
Experiences you could have avoided living...
Unneeded self humility...

And all you have left is nothing but...
More rewinding and replaying...
Hoping you find an explanation...
Or figuring out how you ended up there...
Blaming yourself and only yourself...
Looking for a way out...
Or a way back...

BUT...
The truth remains the truth...
And it's UGLY!

See to Believe...

We are often told a piece of information... and who ever shares it with us, assures us that it is true! Yet, for some unknown reason, we subconsciously refuse to believe it to be true...

We choose to live in denial either because what we've herd is just damn impossible or because what we believe just makes us feel a lot better than reality. Or maybe we fool ourselves by still believing in our gut feelings, which keeps nagging about how much whatever we believe is true! Even more, you could be someone like me who just has massive issues letting go!

And speaking from personal experience this denial can last for days, weeks or EVEN months... up UNTIL we get the wake UP call! We keep fighting and fighting the truth, searching for ways to defy it and prove it wrong... until we reach something! And this something, usually the ugly moment of truth, slaps us hard on the face! It tells you bluntly and clearly that what you've actually denied has always been TRUE!

I wish I believe things when I HEAR them... that would be easier and less hurtful! But to wait till I SEE things... this direct encounter with the truth... hurts more! If we just believe it from day one, we'd save ourselves from this harsh confrontation with reality!

Point is... our choices makes up end up here! All we can hope for, is to one day learn the lesson! 

                                                                              

~Sigh!

Moment of Truth...

I've always lived by the believe that being the bigger, better person is really the right thing to do at all times. It simply means that you've decided to rise above the situation, to let go, move on and create peace with what ever has happened.

It also means you're the one who picks up the broken pieces, you're the one keen to to put things back on track. You're the one making the effort to make the ship sail... hoping it would one day get to where it should be going! Or at least... you hope it would keep sailing!

My previous post regarding this issue was kindda pissed off! I said that when you decide to always be the bigger,better person there comes a point when you explode! You explode because you end up feeling that you're the only one who cares... because sometimes you wish the other person would get up and do something to fix the mess!

Today... I'm not pissed! Today, I'm indifferent!
I don't care anymore to fix things! And I don't care that the other person doesn't care! And for me to get to this point... for me accept this willingly is a BIG thing! It might not really mean I've let go, but it definitely means I'm on my there! And if you know me at all, you'd know this is, not a step, but a LEAP!

I'm coming across a situation... and I'm asking should I decide to be the bigger, person AGAIN? Should I be at peace with all that has happened before! Personally, I think I'm at peace, I feel I've achieved it; however, I'm indifferent. I usually decide to go back and fix things when, and only when, I feel it would fix things, or make them better!

Point is, I no longer care that things get better!

Before I would worry about giving the person the impression that I don't care. Now I really feel there is nothing more I can do. If they want to think I don't care... I'm okay with it!

Today, sometimes I still hope things would be better, I can't deny it, yet... I have to say, I no longer have this passion to things. I've lost interest in fixing the past! It has lost all it's essence and beauty. There is no purpose in fixing things. If (hypothetically speaking) they ever get fixed... it might satisfy my ego, yet I'm not sure I'll be happy!

I'd do it if things stood a 1% chance of changing! However, I'm certain that going trying to fix things would result in more emotional damage for me because it's going no where. Because I'll be once again reminded that I'm the one who cares and I'm the one keen to putting in effort! I'll be back to the feeling that I need to explode or regret after I've hardly achieved the feeling of peace.

Peace is a much better, more relaxing option. Being indifferent is a lot easier than being pissed. It takes less out of my energy!

Today I'm facing a moment of truth! Being the bigger, better person is not always the right thing to do. Sometimes you need to rise above the situation. And by that, I don't really mean to go back and be the one to fix things. This time I mean it's time to rise above, step over the past, admit there is nothing more to be done and just move forward without looking back.