The Heart...

So I'm just wondering these completely random thoughts about the human heart... and I'm actually talking about the real organ...

I don't know but we sometimes get these completely random and weird thoughts and I don't know if I'm the only one who gives these issues thoughts; but I guess we'll see... so here is how it goes...

Do you ever wonder if the actual heart organ is what makes us fall in and out of love... or is that metaphorical?

If the heart is in charge of all the mixed emotions, do you wonder what if we do a surgery? Would we be able to make someone fall for love with us? Or stop ourselves from loving someone?

If you get a transplant do you stop loving the people you already love? If someone else got your heart do they love the people you loved? If you get a new heart do you end up loving the people from whom this heart belonged?

If you get a brainwash or memory loss would you still be in love with the same people? If you don't would that mean your brain has a role in who we love?

Well... just wondering...

Blank...

We often get those days when we're BLANK. Completely! Nothing particularly is going wrong; but nothing is exactly going well either... so you loose interest... and become indifferent. Everything seems meaningless and pointless! Every battle is a lost battle! Actually, you stop fighting anyways! I know I'm in this phase when I have nothing to write... and I haven't had anything to write for weeks. So unlike me. These days I'm just BLANK, with whatever meanings this word contains. 

What Do We, Egyptians, Want?

Okay, my opinion will piss off a lot of people... And I will be dissed and regarded as un-revolutionary... but in the so called "democratic" world we're pretending to live in, I'm entitled to express my opinion, regardless of what others WILL or may think...

So,  personally, I don't see anything positive or promising since Jan. 25th, 2011... I keep trying to spot something positive in what has happened and I don't! And this revolution has unfortunately lost my support! And I don't know if I will be to support it again. I honestly have no reason to think positive! 

What have we achieved since then... it's basically nothing? So what we have made a regime step down... what has happened since then... nothing. Are we moving forward, please take a moment to be honest with yourself and answer this question!

What have we gained?

Dying youth...

Moving from one temporary regime to another...

Insecurity...

Random attacks...

Screwed up tourism...

Weak economy...

Lack of productivity...

Massive losses in the stock markets...

Random chaos...
Religious tension...
More unemployment...
Lower wages... 

Yes, what happened, we would have not imagined in a million years... it was a step, people planned and people achieved... but since then... what has happened?! I know... people will tell me I'm not being patient... that its yet too early for us to move forward... but we are moving backward and will continue moving backward... ASK ME WHY? Because we have no clue what the hell we want!!

We praise Shafeek, we damn Shafeek, we ask for Sharaf, we ask him to leave... we celebrate with the army  and how we are one united hand and now we want them to leave DESPERATELY... we want democratic elections and then we cry over their results....

What the hell do we want!?

Why can't we give whoever is in charge a chance to do something?

And now... you want the military to leave?! What next... who will be in charge? Who do you recommend? Because at the rate that we're going we will never be happy with anyone... everyone who comes will be asked to leave in a month or two... And when we finally elect a president? In June or even tomorrow... what makes you think we will accept him or give him a chance to fix things! What makes you think we won't cry over who won the same way we cry over everything! And start this mess all over again! 

Is this sane?

Do you see this as a plan?

How will attacking the Ministry of Interior help with anything? What are we trying to prove? Will it bring back the people who died? Will it help the truth to emerge! Or are we just ruining more buildings that could mean something for the us as Egyptians in the future. Where is the patriotism when we decide to ruin our country! C'mon people! Please! Some logic!

I'm not saying go home! I'm saying at least go back to Tahrir!
Stand peacefully!
Stop the violence....
People are dying!
Am I the only one seeing this! -uff!
Please! 

And now, how is civil disobedience going to solve anything!?

Are we screwing the army or ourselves! 

Do you realize civil disobedience means more lack of productivity and more screwed up economy? More massive stock loss? Do you know that it means that you won't get paid because your manager is a guy who gets paid as well and this is screwing him!  Do you know that you won't find food for your children because factories will STOP production! The country will freeze due to the stoppage of public transport! Every single resource will be a scarce resource! I'm sorry, but this is bullshit! To me at least! 

At the rate we're going, I don't see any hope for stability... And i'm not impatient... I'm speaking about a general attitude... We have no idea what we want!? I'm not exempting myself! No one knows what we want... and as a country this is the worst thing ever!

Where is the plan!? Our wants and requirements are growing! We wanted to put down a regime... and it's down... we keep making up stuff along the way. We keep shifting opinions. We are leaderless... and I doubt we'd agree on any specific route to take... we are in a  political MESS! 

We can't keep changing our plans hoping this one "inshalla" works out!
It won't!

I'm not anti-revolutionary! I was happy when it happened... when I thought we had a plan... when we I thought we knew where we were going... When like most people I was optimistic and had reasons to be hopeful... but now... seriously enough! 

73 people died watching a match for God's sake!

What more are we waiting for! 

We're the only losers in this game! 

And for what!?! 

And where else are we going! When does this end! And is it worth it?

Enough chaos for the sake of the people!

We're not gaining anything except young people dying! 

Every person dead is a family ruined! A family who at the end of the day is left with nothing but pain. Because their loved ones... died for nothing in return.

Please ENOUGH... 

Let's stop... breath... be patient...

And wait for change to happen... in it's normal path...

What will a few months change...

Slow down the chaos... 

Enough demonstrations...

Give us a chance to pick up our pace... 

Develop! Move froward....

Give those people who have promised change a chance to really enforce change!
Allow the people who have died... to have died for a cause!
Give this a cause a room to happen, to be achieved. 

I know, no one will like this.

But in the "democratic" world we currently live in...

I think I'm entitled to say my honest opinion...

And you as a person who asked for democracy... 

You're entitled to accept what I said.

I'm not passive...

I'm not ignorant...
Please all I'm asking is a chance for stability!
I'm begging you! 

I too love my country!
I'm saying this because I love Egypt!
Because I feel bad for what's happening to Egyptians!
Because I want to see Egypt better!

Again... I'm begging you!

A Walk Down Memory Lane...

I'm sure we all get these self evaluation moments... where for no good reason all the memories and experiences flash like a movie right in front of you... And most probably... they're the things you miss, the experiences that didn't end too well... the things you expected for them to be with you today, but they're not...

So last few days I have been on memory lane, and it kind of depresses you a little... in the beginning it seems like there are certain things and people that you have expected for them to be with and they're not... but with deeper thought, you realize that maybe these experiences were not really meant to happen...

I've taken the time to look at my previous memories... and I can confidently say that may be I'm not excited or happy about the way things ended... but sooner or later they were going to end. May be the end could have been tweaked a bit, slightly modified, extended a little longer but in a million years they would have not been a success. There were too many odds that would have stopped them from happening... So when you come to think about them, maybe the sooner they ended the better...

Of course there are things I wish I had done differently or not done at all... but the truth is... sooner or later it wasn't going to happen. They were stories meant to end before completion. Before I fought too hard to make them happen, but now I can say it to myself, that they were never going to see light!

And of course now that I'm calmer and more chilled I wonder why did they happen in first place. However, I gotta say that it's called experience for a reason. To learn! True, now I don't see why I was upset or why I wished they would work... but I learned!

And I think the main lesson learned is to know, admit and acknowledge when a battle is lost, when it is okay to let go... When it is not called giving up but rather accepting the facts of life. The things that seemed impossible and hard to accept in life, also unbearable are now memories that are years, months or weeks back... And we are still here... Alive and kicking! And still going on!

What If?

I woke up on my usual Friday morning, determined to spend it watching my so called Grey's Anatomy new episode. And it always amazing when you watch something and it triggers something deep with in! You relate it to it... and you often feel like it answered something that you've always searched for an answer for.

Now I know... it sounds like I'm a medical drama sound philosophical! I'm not!

Basically this episode, episode 8x13 called "If, Then," (whether you're a fan of Grey's Anatomy or not) is about the what/if scenarios we create in our minds. If these things were to happen, how would our lives turned out? What if I had a different family? Fell in love with another guy? Had a different best friend? Or simply had a different life?

So this episode basically shows you how these characters' lives would've been IF thing were different!

And like anyone else in the world, we got into these  story-lines, assuming things can be different or will be different... BUT in the end of the day your DESTINY always kicks in. Regardless how different the story-line is... things will end up as planned for you.

In my personal life, I'm a pro at creating What/If scenarios... I almost always wonder what if I acted differently? Said something differently? Been more patient? Been less caring? Kept my thoughts for my self?Had better temper? Was less emotional? Was more outgoing? Had a different lifestyle?  Lived elsewhere? And the list goes on....

But apparently... what's meant to happen always happens.... the ending is the same. No matter how much we try to change it around.... Regardless of the what/if situations we create your  destiny in the end will prevail.... if something was meant to end well it will and if something was meant to go wrong it would.... If you're meant to end up with some one, you will and if someone is meant to hurt you, he/she will. If you were destined to get the job, you will and if you were destined to be fun and charming you will.

So may be rather than creating these live time illusions that we immerse ourselves in we make the best of the lives we have... because what/ifs almost never happens unless it was determined to happen anyways!

A Perfectly Wasted First Experience...

There are certain experiences we go through in life that we create certain dreams for... We create this vision for them and we imagine how they would happen...

And I'm not quite sure reality turns out to be as is....

These experiences could be...

Your first day of university classes...

The first car you drive... 

Your first date...

Your first relationship...

Your first job...

Your first pay roll...

And actually we put in great effort imaging how this thing would be and go about... 

But usually this experience comes and goes... 

And you'd hate it!

And you keep wishing you have done it differently....
Waited longer...
Been wiser....
Saved it for the best... 

You feel that your special first experience has gone completely in waste...

And it's annoying...

And frustrating...

And disappointing...

And you don't know if you're upset the experience didn't go well...
Or if your vision of that "first time experience" didn't go as you planned....
Or if you are are to blame for it being a flop...

But point is this first experience is GONE and NOT COMING BACK...
We are entitled to some crying over it...
But no crying would actually undo it and give you a second chance at changing the facts...

But then you wipe your tears...
Get up...
Tell yourself more and better experiences are yet to come...
You pray for forgetfulness...
And the ability to let go...
And the ability to move on...

And eventually we do...
We might not forget...
But we learn to live with the facts of this experience...
Try to learn from it...
Avoid it...
And hope the second on is better...
Maybe the third...

BUT in the end of the day...
Maybe we shouldn't worry about the first experience...
But rather one that would last because this is the one we live with... 

The Ugly Truth...

The truth as a matter of fact is always ugly...

Some stuff walk into our lives... confidently and fiercely... we try to resist them...
Then they assure us that they are realities...
And insist....
And they forcefully impose themselves into our lives...
Until we actually get used to them being there...
And we start accepting them as part of our lives...
We start to take what they say for granted...
And believe it...
And create stories in our heads about them...
We adjust ourselves that they've become part of our life..
Even for a while...
But we assume it'll last...
Because they told us so...
We get into a mind set that they're here to stay...
That maybe an imaginary story we had...
May turn into reality...

BUT then...
Once we do get attached...
The withdrawal starts...

We realize that perhaps we took what they said for granted...
May be a little too far...
And it confuses you...
When you realize that perhaps you have built sand castles...

The truth comes to you as a strong slap on the face...
Because all you've heard was not necessarily from the heart...

And you beat yourself up for fall for it...

And then you click REWIND....
And then REPLAY....
And most probably you realize that your resistance that came earlier had a reason for it...
That there were too many signs that you shouldn't have ignored...
That may be you're the one to blame for the situation you're in...
And you question how did you end up there?!?
AGAIN?!?

Perhaps the void you've had needed to be filled...
So you turn to the quick fix...
Regardless the fact that you know it wouldn't end well....

So you end up with nothing but...
Guilt...
Regret...
Humiliation...
Depression...
Sadness...
Stupidity....
Self-Blame...
Stress...
Insanity...

And a truth so ugly...
That  you're destined to carry on your own...
Add to the list of thoughts you want to forget...
Experiences you could have avoided living...
Unneeded self humility...

And all you have left is nothing but...
More rewinding and replaying...
Hoping you find an explanation...
Or figuring out how you ended up there...
Blaming yourself and only yourself...
Looking for a way out...
Or a way back...

BUT...
The truth remains the truth...
And it's UGLY!