Closure...

Reference to my previous post (Silence is Gold) which speaks about how I don't feel relieved until I say all that I want and get everything I want off my chest... people may find it natural to believe that I find closure in being the one to say the last words in an argument... As if that gives me closure!

However, that's not true! Closure to me has a totally different meaning!

True... blabbing out all that is bothering me is something I tend to do and can't help most of the time. However as I previously mentioned my blabbing comes with a good intention... Even if this seems hidden!

What's worst is that I reach to this boiling point that leads to explosion with people I care about! I tend to avoid confrontation which I know would be bad and then I explode. So dramatic endings with such people hurts me more than it hurts them. The last thing I plan for is loosing them. I consider the people I care about an embedded part of my life. As I said I assume they'd be okay with me venting... But I don't assume anyone should endure what seems to be taking crap!

IN FACT I find closure in happy endings and in peaceful endings to my arguments.

True my venting and speaking out may make happy endings hard to reach... However this is my honest intention.

Closure to me is when no hard feelings exist... Closure is when I'm sure I haven't hurt any one... Closure is when I feel words have actually ended (nothing more to be said by either sides)... Closure is soul and mind feeding... Closure is finding inner peace...

I've learned that my venting doesn't help me get where I want... I vent because I feel this person is close enough to me to endure this venting and to know the good I mean I behind it... I vent to the person instead of speaking about them to someone else... I vent because I'm calling out for the person's attention...

But it's clear to me that my venting means loosing people... It leads to sad endings rather than happy ones...

I don't find closure in loosing people or in hurting them by what I say... I find closure in happy endings... I need to change my way to find closure and for people to really know who I am... My good intention seems be unclear to people and seems to drive me in the oppoite direction...

I don't find closure in making people feel bad or in having the final say. I don't find closure in winning arguments. I don't find closure in being a victim or gaining sympathy... But that's what my venting results in.
My venting doesn't only hurt people but it also hurts me... Regret kills me! Sad endings frustrate me! Being judged falsely drains my breath! Hurting people makes me feel guilty! And above all loosing people I really care about is something I never get over!!!

My venting is harming me more than any one else! My venting isn't allowing me to find closure!

I need to find closure! I need to change.

Silence is Gold...

I have a serious problem shutting up! 


When I'm filled up with negative feelings... I can go on and on and on about it until I feel better. My ability to rattle about things none stop is actually driven by good intention... I believe that when you let things out... you eventually sort out problems and things get better. I believe that once people discuss what is bothering them that we reach happy endings! I believe it's better than holding grudge... little do I know I guess!


I also feel frustrated when I have something to say and I don't... I feel trapped! So once I get a chance to say it... I fire! Additionally, I don't believe my anger, hurt and frustration can be said in a few words... so I keep saying it over and over and over in different way... trying to find the best words to explain how I feel.


It also seems that I'm just blaming the other person for everything... like I'm a victim... that's not how I plan to make it sound...


Believe it or not... it's unintentional and out of good intentions.... and it's yet beyond me to stop!


I do it out of the believe that when people are close enough there is space for "3etab and 3asham" two Arabic words (which I can't find the right descriptive English words for them) that I believe for them to be the core of healthy relationships!


People tend to disagree... they think I'm nagging, saying stuff over and over... and they think I don't know how to stop and when to stop... They think it's annoying and frustrating and a never ending process! They think I'm anti-happiness! 


Putting myself in their shoes... I get where they are coming from... I usually mess up when I'm talking... Since I'm totally driven by emotions, I sometimes use big and hurtful words. Usually when I'm saying what I say I don't feel good. Sometimes I wish I can stop myself... I try and I fail miserably... It's built within me... it is something I regret doing every time... I wish I can give people a break and a chance to improve things... but instead I go on and on and on...


I assume people, who are considerably close enough, would get the mechanics that drive me, would understand my good intention behind it... but they don't and probably never will. I assume people would be able to move past all that has been said and work out things... but that's clearly not the case!


Silence is GOLD! I deeply believe this is true... silence saves me from looking bad, self humiliation, regret.... it saves me from having to say sorry later 'cause no matter how right I am I still seem like the one to blame! My "anger and emotions talking" spoils all possible good things! It clearly puts people on their edge! It puts me in a situation where I owe people explanations that I don't actually have to give... It puts me in a position where people can't ever come back to make things better because according to them too much damage was made! So although they should be the ones coming back... I'm the one who always has to go back and fix things!


When I look back there are many times when I wish I remained silent... I keep asking myself what if I remained silent would things have been different?! So I'm trying my best to practice silence... to learn from previous mistakes. I'm practicing when to stop myself and shut up! I'm trying to learn when I've said enough! I'm trying GOLD!

Lyrics I Love...

Can we pretend that airplanes, In the night sky, Are like shooting star, I could really use a wish right now" "When I see your face. There's not a thing that I would change. Just the way you are. And when you smile. The whole world stops and stares for a while. 'Cause girl you're amazing.The way you are." "I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you. I have been waiting all my life." "I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard. And got so far. But in the end. It doesn't even matter." "When we collide we come together. If we don't we'll always be apart. I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it. When you hit me hit me hard." "Im not afraid of anything in this world. There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard." "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be coming home again." "Let me be the one you call. If you jump I'll break your fall. Lift you up and fly away with you into the nigh. If you need to fall apart. I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn. You're not alone" "When you're broken in a million little pieces. And you're trying but you can't hold on  anymore. Every tear falls down for a reason. Don't you stop believing in yourself. When you're broken." "Butterfly well you landed on my mind. Damn right you landed on my ear and then you crawled inside. And now I see you perfectly behind closed eyes. I want to fly with you and I don't want to lie to you." "Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven." "Things aren’t the way they were before. You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore.  Not that you knew me back then. But it all comes back to me in the end." "I’m no beauty queen. I’m just beautiful me." "I had a dream my life would be. So different from the hell I'm living. So different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed." "I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy, I'll be your hope I'll be your love, Be everything that you need, I'll love you more with every breath,Truly, madly, deeply do, I will be strong I will be faithful, 'cause I'm counting on, A new beginning, A reason for living

A deeper meaning," "And if the night runs over. And if the day wont last. And if our way should falter. Along the stony pass. Its just a moment. This time will pass." "Hitting walls and getting scars . Only makes you who you are. Only makes you who you are. No matter how much your heart is aching. There is beauty in the breaking.""I could use a dream or a genie or a wish. To go back to a place much simpler than this" "And I know some day that it’ll all turn out. You'll make me work so we can work to work it out" "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love. Like I'm the only one who knows your heart." Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in. No one else, no one else. Can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten." "I've put my trust in you. Pushed as far as I can go. For all this there’s only one thing you should know:I tried so hard, And got so far, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter, I had to fall, To lose it all, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter." "I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time" "Oh I know that the music's fine. Like sparklin' wine, go and have your fun. Laugh and sing, but while we're apart. Don't give your heart to anyone. But don't forget who's takin' you home. And in whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin' save the last dance for me." "I love you like a fat kid loves cake." "Have you ever loved and lost somebody. Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry." "There comes a time where you fade to the blackness. And when you're staring at that phone in your lap. And you hoping but them people never call you back."  "What am I suppose to do, When the best part of me was always you and, What am I suppose to say, When I'm all choked up and you're okay." "Someday love will find you. Break those chains that bind you. One night will remind you. How we touched and went our separate ways." "Better days are gonna find you once again. Every piece will find its place."

Holding On...

Holding on to dreams can be hectic... especially after several trials to fulfill them that end with failure. Or after clear signs that tell you that achieving them is kind of impossible... 


I don't have much to say when it comes to such situations except that I pray for one of two things:

• Either God helps me achieve my dream OR
• God helps me let go of my dream

Either way I'd be more than happy... but being stuck at a cross road is just annoying... not being able to get what I want and not being able to let it go... both feelings are just overwhelming, tiring and frustrating...

Of course achieving my dream would make me dance around in circles... but if that won't happen letting go would also making me dance around in even bigger circles... 

I'm have dreams that I'm holding on too... and I'm not getting them achieved and that is stressing me out, frustrating me and it's all I think about day in and day out... And that depressing me and making me sad and make me doubt my confidence... So I'm hoping time passes by and I get to the point where I look back at these times and LAUGH...

So achieving them or not all I want is to laugh about my dreams for a change.


-sigh!

The Legitimate Wait...

So... basically in this post I'm asking for your opinion... I'm trying to figure out when do we say we've been waiting enough?


When does a person feel it's legitimate to pull the plug?


Let me be more clear! I'm just trying to find out when does a person feel it's okay to let go of a certain dream, goal or person... When do you let go without a fear that you've given up... When are you certain that you've really done all you can and there is no room for more what ifs?


Is there a legitimate time span or is not related to time? Can we claim that after a certain period of time it's okay to give up?


Does a person ever reach that point of satisfaction where they're certain they've done all they can do? Does this point even exist... 


How do we deal with the guilt conscious that keeps telling you that you've simply chosen the easy way out and gave up?


Is it right to keep trying and waiting for things to happen or is this a true denial of failure?


When does strong will to get to something or someone turn into stupidity, stubbornness and a lack of understanding of reality?


How many times should a person try to reach a goal? How many chances does a person give someone? How many odds should we stand against to achieve what we want?


How long does it take to finally admit to ourselves that it's time to let go?


Sometimes I feel it's okay to give up... knowing when to let go can sometimes be the right decision... That despite a strong desire to achieve something, you're actually showing more strength by letting it go...


My problem is that I don't know how to let go! I feel if I want something deep down I should never stop working hard to get it! However... sometimes it's just NOT meant to happen! Sometimes the more we try the harder achieving it becomes. 


So I'm asking YOU... when does it become okay to let go and give up on something or someone? What is the "legitimate wait?"

The VOICE...

I love being spontaneous! I do... I wish I can be that kindda person all the time! You know... the type of person who gets a thought and acts upon it... without hesitation... whatever the outcome is... or would be!

It's not being crazy or immature... it's just breaking out of the hectic routine and a mental process that kills the fun of life! Calculating risks and outcomes and regret!

I like being spontaneous... HOWEVER, every single time I try to be I get this VOICE... the inner voice... and man as much as I love it 'cause saves my ass sometimes... I seriously hate that it kills my ability to react on trigger!

Sometimes I wanna say something, make a move, break rules, let go of limitations... but this VOICE jumps in every single time with a list of inner thoughts that ruin it for me...

Are you sure you wanna do that?

Are you sure you won't regret it later?

But you hate regret?

What about how you look?

What would people think?

And these are the simple generic questions! Sometimes the VOICE gets pretty tough on me!

You know what... the VOICE is important... the VOICE "mostly" kicks in in the right time... stops me from doing stupid and ridiculous stuff... but sometimes I wish the VOICE would give me a break! It's restricting and limiting... It makes me doubt my gut feeling, and that pisses me off! And my main problem with it is that it's very very very influential and manages to change my mind almost every time...

And even more... the battle between my normal voice (completely driven by emotions) and my inner VOICE can be hectic sometimes... particularly when it goes on and on and on and on for days or weeks or even longer... and trust me it's a strong battle!

The type of battles that make you stay up all night... and daydream all day! The kind that make you fidgety and gloomy and frustrated and mentally occupied.

So currently I'm stuck between two strong emotions... one that loves the VOICE for kicking in sanity in me at the right time... and one that hates it for the very same reason!