Moment of Truth...

I've always lived by the believe that being the bigger, better person is really the right thing to do at all times. It simply means that you've decided to rise above the situation, to let go, move on and create peace with what ever has happened.

It also means you're the one who picks up the broken pieces, you're the one keen to to put things back on track. You're the one making the effort to make the ship sail... hoping it would one day get to where it should be going! Or at least... you hope it would keep sailing!

My previous post regarding this issue was kindda pissed off! I said that when you decide to always be the bigger,better person there comes a point when you explode! You explode because you end up feeling that you're the only one who cares... because sometimes you wish the other person would get up and do something to fix the mess!

Today... I'm not pissed! Today, I'm indifferent!
I don't care anymore to fix things! And I don't care that the other person doesn't care! And for me to get to this point... for me accept this willingly is a BIG thing! It might not really mean I've let go, but it definitely means I'm on my there! And if you know me at all, you'd know this is, not a step, but a LEAP!

I'm coming across a situation... and I'm asking should I decide to be the bigger, person AGAIN? Should I be at peace with all that has happened before! Personally, I think I'm at peace, I feel I've achieved it; however, I'm indifferent. I usually decide to go back and fix things when, and only when, I feel it would fix things, or make them better!

Point is, I no longer care that things get better!

Before I would worry about giving the person the impression that I don't care. Now I really feel there is nothing more I can do. If they want to think I don't care... I'm okay with it!

Today, sometimes I still hope things would be better, I can't deny it, yet... I have to say, I no longer have this passion to things. I've lost interest in fixing the past! It has lost all it's essence and beauty. There is no purpose in fixing things. If (hypothetically speaking) they ever get fixed... it might satisfy my ego, yet I'm not sure I'll be happy!

I'd do it if things stood a 1% chance of changing! However, I'm certain that going trying to fix things would result in more emotional damage for me because it's going no where. Because I'll be once again reminded that I'm the one who cares and I'm the one keen to putting in effort! I'll be back to the feeling that I need to explode or regret after I've hardly achieved the feeling of peace.

Peace is a much better, more relaxing option. Being indifferent is a lot easier than being pissed. It takes less out of my energy!

Today I'm facing a moment of truth! Being the bigger, better person is not always the right thing to do. Sometimes you need to rise above the situation. And by that, I don't really mean to go back and be the one to fix things. This time I mean it's time to rise above, step over the past, admit there is nothing more to be done and just move forward without looking back. 

Cheer Me Up Mado!!!

Well by now I'm a pro on my own self cheering up! Yesterday I felt like crap... if you came across my blog you'd have noticed from the FOUR miserable posts (Lost, Distraction, CTRL & My Freaking Enemy...) that I've written that I was pretty much going down the drain!

HOWEVER...
Today, I'm different... I'm more laid back and chilled! Today... I'm smiling!

Do I sound disturbed!? LOL! Ya, I do, even to me... but hell with it! I'm realistic, yesterday I felt like shit! Today I don't! It happens! Today I decided to cheer myself and smile! I decided maybe I shouldn't really make it get to me badly! I decided even if I don't really feel at ease, I should smile and not think about it!

ANYHOW...
Let me tell you my plan on self mediating and cheering up! 

I gotta say, my blog has served me well. I'm the kindda person who feels better after I really express myself!  I write whatever I feel down and BINGO I feel better. If you ask me why, I'd simply tell you, it's amazing to get things off your chest!

For me... if something is annoying me, I need to get it out and speak about it. I need to express it and get it out of my system. I also figured that people don't always wanna hear about my personal issues! No one wants someone who really complains a lot, or makes a big deal outta every single emotion! SO that's where my dear precious blog kicks in. I get out whatever I've got bottled inside out... hence I call it, Garbage of the Soul! --- um, smart ain't I.

True, some people may read it and decide for themselves that I'm a whiner! But, really this is my personal space where I'm entitled to say whatever I want! I've created this blog to help myself feel better, to come and write it down here rather than exploding elsewhere! If they still find it quite disturbing to read... there is a lil "x" up in the corner that they're so likely welcomed to click on! LOL! I don't mean to be rude! But seriously, if no one is willing to hear me out, I might as well find a place to vent! Hehe!

Additionally, I got up this morning, got into my car, my sanctuary, rolled the windows down... hit the music to full blast! I let the cool chilly breeze run through my hair, putting an idiotic smile across my face and sung on the top my lungs with the music and I might have danced a lil :)  and I gotta tell you this insane, kiddish, idiotic feeling is all it really takes to make feel brand new! Makes me relieved... helps me push out all the negative energy I got bottled up. And I do smile a lot and laugh insanely when someone looks at me like I'm crazy!

So ya... yesterday I did feel like crap! I was at the bottom of ocean... pretty much felt like drowning! Today, regardless of what I might be feeling deep down, I'm back on the top floating! At least I'm smiling... and I'm looking forward to get back into the car and enjoy myself again!

So really, all it takes to cheer one is is him/herself! I don't need anyone to come and lift my ego...Me, myself and I are pretty much good at it :) So when I'm down, I know what it takes to make me feel better! I call on the one person I trust, the one person who is always there for me, and I tell her: Cheer Me Up Mado!!! She usually pulls it together, gets over herself and is there for me! 

My Freakin' Enemy: IN-CONFIDENCE!

If there is anything I hate in life it's those moments when I loose all confidence in myself. Those moments when I let anyone in the world make me feel or even believe like I'm not good enough!

I hate them! They seriously 'cause me great emotional damage!

I hate it when I feel so imperfect, as if it would be impossible for any one to accept me for who I am! As if I'm repelling or unbearable! As if it's too much to ask to be accepted for who i am! As if who I am is really an example of the worst person in the world!

Those disgusting moments when you feel people are drifting away from you just because they started to really get to know you. When you feel that even the people who once liked you are no longer able to be with you because of the person you to turned out to be!

Every time I start telling myself... may be I'm not too bad after all! Every time I start seeing some light! Every time I feel that people might start to really accept me as a whole, with my good and bad! Every time I start telling myself that I was wrong, that may be I'm not as bad as I always thought I'm quickly reminded that it's easy for anyone to let me go! That if I were to actually go I wouldn't be missed! That if people were given a choice between letting me go and trying to work things out, they'd easily choose to let me go! That people don't look back when I'm gone... no regrets! Maybe it's actually a relief!

I've come to a point where I warn people about me! Tell them, don't worry, once you really get to know me, you'll soon realize I'm not that good! Probably not good at all! Because fact is, every time I start getting comfortable, every time I start to let my guard down and just be me... people walk away!

Sometimes I loose interesting in getting to know people, because believe it or not... I pretty much know how it ends! People hating me... and me hating myself even more!

I actually start doubting myself, being too harsh on myself... judging myself... taking all the blame for everything and anything that goes wrong!

Those days when I feel like no one in the world can stand me just because of who I am! Those days when I feel my destiny of being alone forever has really been determined! Those are the days I hate the most!

Simple to some of you, people may say: "find out what's driving people away, and change it!" Easier said than done really! What if what drives them away is who I really am! Something in the deep core of my personality! Something I really cannot change! Something I can't fix or improve! I did and do try to change a lot, I keep telling myself, they must have a point! But I truly fail at changing the core of who I am!

If people can't really accept me for who I am... then what the hell am I living for! To change and be molded into the person others want to me to be! So I can fit into their life the way they want me to fit, regardless of who I am.

I don't really ask anyone to change for me! I never tried to even change them! I really go beyond all I stand for and I accept people the way they are. I absorb them completely! Their bad before their good! I have no problem compromising or looking at the bright side! I tend to overcome a lot of bad, just for a few good! If I have it in me to see forgive and go past what ever faults they have, why can't they do the same!!?? Yet everyone just tends to look at the half empty when it comes to me!

And it annoys me when it really gets to me! When I myself starting seeing the half empty! Like I forget anything that could be good about me! Sometimes I even stop to think there is anything good about me! I come to a point where I see the cup fully empty! 

They keep judging me and judging me and judging me... and framing me into these horrible characters. Once, twice and trice until I believe that I'm this person! I step back and silently agree to what they say! Even if I try to fight back and defend myself, deep down I'm crushed! Deep down, I sometimes or even most of the time believe I'm horrible person! Deep down I'm just upset that I need to defend myself simply for who I am! 

And my defeat and silence and acceptance do not always come from utter believe that their judgement of me is true. It comes from the fact that I've given up to prove that I'm a good person. Or an okay person at least! That I'm not really someone who is self absorbed into their own thing, who refuses to accept what others say! Who sees things just from their angle!

I do admit I have my own issues! I can go on for lists and lists about all the stuff about me that are wrong and disgusting! But I tell myself everyone has their own share of crap! Their own problems! No one is perfect.. everyone messes up! I can't be that bad! At least I hope I can't be that bad! 

Sometimes I wish people would take time to invest into getting to know me... at least to create fair a judgement of who I am. It drives me nuts when people think they have me figured out when they haven't. And regardless of what I do... they rarely ever change their minds! I hate it when they simply start believing things about who  I am that aren't necessarily true! I just wish people would really give me a fair chance to show who I really am!

But again... I come to think... it's impossible that everyone is wrong... that everyone hasn't really given me a chance! Something must be wrong... something must be so repelling! It can't possibly be that everyone lacks the ability to truly understand me!

I start telling myself, if I was really someone else... I'd probably not like me either! What's there to like? And that really sucks! It makes me want to throw up! My stomach goes in knots and I really loose the ability to breath!

I start seeing one fault after the other! I keep telling myself maybe I should change! May be I'm really not that good! May be I'm not good at all! Something must really be wrong, annoying and offensive about who I am. Something so strong that it pushes people away every single time.

May be I lack the ability to show the good in me! Or may be I have a problem that makes people misunderstand me, or personify as this unbearable person! Or may be I'm really just a terrible person! I end up wondering, if i don't really like myself, how do I expect people to like me!?

And this moments where I'm in-confident about who I am and everything about me is a killer! Because in these moments I'm really assertive that I'm not someone, anyone would want for keeps!

The disgusting fact is I don't know if this is a phase I go through or if I'm really this repelling character! Because apparently this phase is something I go through a lot! All I know is that I hate the feeling! This feeling is my true enemy because when it conquers me... it really starts pulling me backwards until I completely sink back! It fully drains my energy!

When it hits me... I really have no reason to keep going! I become restless towards everyone and everything! Life looses purpose! There seems to be no point in continuity! Like there is no hope for things to change! In-confidence is my enemy and I wish it would give me a break! 

CTRL...

I really didn't know what I should call this post..  it's a mix of a lot of things. Many many things! To start of and make it short and simple: as usual I'm pissed at myself! If you ask me why... I'll tell you it's all about CONTROL!

Sometimes I really wanna slap myself. I envy people who display self control and composure. Those who are able to stop themselves before saying something or doing something. Those who have the ability to stop speaking at the right time EVEN when they have stuff to say.

I really look at people with admiration... these people who know how to give the impression that they don't care! Those who know how to treat people coldly. I actually wish to learn from them.

My lack of control as to when to shut up and my urge to say everything on my mind makes me look and sound stupid even to myself! Sometimes I wanna make it look like I don't care! Even when I really do. I've even written earlier my post on how silence can sometimes be gold! 

What's even more annoying, is that little things drive me nuts! Little things that may seem to others unworthy, or undeserving. I'm the kindda person who is driven by emotions at all times. I don't believe that expressing how you feel whatever is it should be upsetting! I think if things didn't matter to me I wouldn't really care if they were going well. If I didn't want to make things better I wouldn't be bothered.

However, I do understand that some people don't like. That some people interpret it different. That it may seem like it's too much at times.

I also hate to reveal that I care too much. For some reason it makes it easier for me to get hurt. Sometimes I say too much... when I over express how I feel and people still choose to be cold and maintain their composure it makes me feel like they don't care even more... hence I get more hurt... and the vicious cycle goes on and on and on forever.

The whole idea of an abundance of emotions being met with rejection or coldness is simply hurting for me.

Even more, when I get comfortable around someone, my concern with controlling my self expression decreases... I feel the room for acceptance increases... my expectations increase... Yet, every time I'm kindda let down.

I can't say I am to blame for who I am... after all others aren't exactly perfect! However, I do acknowledge that they're not to blame either. I do understand that too much emotions can be annoying and frustrating.

This however does not mean that it gives others the right to judge me. It does not mean I need others to feel the need to improve me or make me a better person. Sometimes I even wonder if i accept for who they are, their faults included, there should be more room for acceptance from others towards me as well! Deep down I do believe if someone really took the time to know me they'd understand my intentions and drives they wouldn't be too annoyed!

I refuse to think that people think I'm some project that needs to change in order to fit their schema. My increased emotions tend to show in both negative and positive ways. I'm overly happy when I'm happy and I've overly sad when I'm sad. And I think it's okay to express it! I just don't get why people are okay with it when I'm being positive and are defensive when I'm upset.

I hate that every time something happens I have to go through the hassle of explaining myself... I think it's unfair and hectic. Sometimes I give up on it. And regardless of how much I talk about it, I never get to the point where I feel I've explained my intentions enough. I honestly, speak a lot, yet I cannot find the right words to explain how I feel so I just step back and give up.

I understand that people aren't expected to play a guessing game to figure out my intentions, however I just hope that people are a little more understanding and accepting. I believe, and I could be wrong, that I tend to accept people in which ever way they are, I think some equal treatment would be good.

Yet, it's safe to say that my inability to control myself expression and my high emotional drive has become a serious problem in my life. Minimizing it would certainly make my life and others lives simpler and smoother. It doesn't mean I'll be 100% comfortable or happy. It means I'm setting limitations, it means I gotta think twice before saying anything. I means I just can't be spontaneous anymore. It means I'm around someone I'm just myself around. My silence and distance means I'm upset and that I'm formalizing relationships. But if that solves it, then so be it. 

Sometimes I hope I find my CTRL button. That would make my life easier because every time I'm placed in a situation like this I promise myself that I'd display more control the next time... however I fail, therefore a button might help make life easier! It would be easier if I just click CTRL every time I'm getting too comfortable or too expressive... I really hate showing that I care when the people around me don't equally care!

~sigh! 

Distraction...

Well, related to my previous post, Lost, I've taken up whatever things I could possibly take or do to distract myself. As I said, anything that makes you go through the night... anything to divert your thoughts from what you should really be focused on.

However, distraction is not always positive. Distraction could lead to destruction! 

Sometimes you get yourself into more trouble just to get yourself out of some mess! Sometimes fooling yourself, your feel and brains is even more hectic and energy draining.

I also spoke earlier about the moments of stupidity that we go through and acknowledging that what you're doing is somewhat stupid. And I gotta say most of the time when you're trying to distract yourself from something you end up doing something stupid... which you later regret!

It also leads to destruction because once you decide to stop and go back to reality you realize that you're really right where you always where! That being in denial and that keeping yourself "fake-ly" distracted will just make everything crumble over your head suddenly! And that would be real trouble. When you think you've moved on, but you're actually right where you are!

~sigh!

Lost..

Lately I'm just lost.

Too much of everything is going on and I'm not focused on any of them. There is too much work, too much studying, too much emotions, too many activities, a lot of drama, a lot of terrible discoveries, a lot of mixed feelings, a lot of personal conflicts, a lot of undefined emotions... 

I personally don't know if I'm okay! I'm just letting the days slip. All similar to one another. I'm fooling myself saying I'm okie... saying since the days are rolling it means I'm okie... but whenever I have a free minute, when I look deeply into my life I realize I'm a mess! A walking wreck! 

When I really think about I realize nothing is actually going right! I feel I have too many problems to really know where to start. So I choose to let it all go... fool myself into saying things didn't really happen! 

If you ask me why am I bringing it up now... I'd tell you last three - four weeks have been incredibly insane... in every aspect... and I'm still holding up. Every time I come to get into the details of the events I fall in disbelief and choose not to. I prefer ignoring them and being in denial for a change... 

My plan is basically to drain my energy out so when the night hits, I simply fall flat on my face and sleep in no time, giving myself no time to thing. 

I'm choosing to be lost because if I think too much I'll end up depressed and in loads of self pitty. So I'm choosing indifference. It's bugging me that I can't really define how I feel, but all I can say is that indifference seems to doing me right at the moment! I'd rather be lost than focused on the amount of crap I got going on! 

Oh well whatever... it's really whatever makes you go through the night!