Stupid Moment Glorified...

So earlier I wrote about the general moments of stupidity but I gotta say currently I'm experiencing a severe and intense one of them...

I also wrote the following part in one of earliest posts called Letting Go:

"So, I'm hoping this blog here helps me out... 'cause I like to write... so instead of getting in touch with whoever that person is and saying what ever I need to say... I'll come here and write it, get it out of my system... get it off my chest... until I one day I just really let go..."

So here I am, venting my stupid moment on my blog rather than doing something stupid I would regret!

So.. my stupid moment is that moment when you miss someone you shouldn't be missing! I've this urging and itching feeling to get in touch with someone and I know it's getting me no where!

I've written the sms and deleted it, I've written the FB message and deleted it, I've prepared an e-mail (and that's still my drafts, hope I do delete it soon)... I've started dialing and stopped myself... I've rehearsed a call then changed my mind!

But I do have words that I have to say and I need to get them out out of my system so I'm writing this... because as a human I just need to vent sometimes! I need to talk about my feelings... because keeping them to myself more and more and more is just plain hectic! I'm tired of it! Because if don't get it out, I'll crack! Really soon!

As much as I wanna take action, say I miss you, see how things go... as much as I know it's stupid... as much I know it's pointless as much as I know it's heading no where, as much as I know it means more regret and feeling like a fool later...

As much as I wanna call it hope, second chances, trying to be better, sacrifice, compromise... on the other side there is another voice in me screaming: pride, you've tried enough, it's pointless, you'll get hurt AGAIN... and you're just being plain stupid!

As much as I want to believe that whatever words I have to say could have the ability to change things around, I know this dream or hope is driven merely by an intense wave of emotions and isn't true!

And as much I want to believe that if things do change around I will be happy... as much as I want to believe that something good can happen... a big part of me is uncertain, reminding me of how many times I've already tried and how many times I've already been hurt!

Part me of is slapping my in the face saying: Seriously! Haven't you had enough!? Where the hell is your sense of pride!? What on earth makes you think things will change? Didn't you say you won't be putting yourself in this damn position again!? Didn't you say it's that person's turn to make a move! Didn't you say even if that person makes a move you're plainly saying NO!

But the other side of me is answering simply: I can't help it! I'm willing to sacrifice if there is hope!

BUT reality, practicality and experience say: that's just stupid!

So i'm feeling stupid right now. I'm really trying hard to practice my ability to let go, my ability to stop myself and fight temptation of stupid emotions, I'm really trying to tell myself no!

But bigger than all those feelings I'm missing someone and neither can I do anything to bring me closer to that person nor can I stop this overwhelming and tiring feeling! And that just sucks!

And knowing that it's pointless and still being in denial and thinking about it... makes even stupider! Uff! Gosh!

I hate where I am now! This helpless and weak will is just a killer! And i hate it!

-sigh!

This is one post I'm not publicizing... this is one post I'm not sharing on Facebook and Twitter, maybe 'cause I hate how I'm feeling, maybe I'm embarrassed, maybe 'cause I hate being this weak and exposed and maybe 'cause I don't want everyone I know to see how stupid I am. I'm writing this because I just NEED to vent and let it out! So if you come across this post, as much as I want you to tell me to have hope and go for it, to trust my gut feeling, to get in touch to tell the person "I miss you", I would rather have you talk me out of it! Please!

My Awareness That My Current Life is Temporary...

So, don't freak out from the title, I'm not going to speak life and death!


I was at this event called, TEDxCairo (pretty big cool event) and I herd a speech from Mr.Hesham El Gamal about achieving your dreams!


So of course that got me thinking, and I though... "is this the life I really want for myself?" 


Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty much okay with my current life, my family, my job, my friends, my studies... everything is running smooth, I wont complain! However, it's not my dream life!


I'm not going to brag about myself, BUT, I'm a person who likes art, I do amazing hand made artwork, calligraphy, I like writing, I'm talented at public speaking and presentations and my dream is to teach with passion! Deep down, I believe I can be famous and a positive influencer. 


I try my best to make use of the things I love, integrate them in my day to day, for instance this blog! However, it's not the same... I'm not really doing the things that I'm passionate about... like really really passionate, if you know what I mean.


I previously wrote a post called December in 2010, and how this month reminds us that a whole year has passed by without us doing what we really wanted to do. And here we are; 2011 is almost half way through and on  the personal level it's exactly like every other year before. It's going by fine, I'm doing well... but it's not going the way I've always dreamed it would.


But just fine is really not enough! Just fine doesn't give this overwhelming and satisfying feeling! It doesn't get you anywhere next to self fulfillment. 


So I herd that speech and I said... what the hell, I too can live my dream... turn it into reality. I came up with a definite conclusion that my current life is temporary... until I really get where I want... and where is that? I want to be a famous writer, inspired by art, and a teacher EVEN IF all this seems like too much and undirected... but that's the point, it's my dream :)


Good luck to me! 

The Moment of STUPIDITY...

So yeah... in my last post The Beautiful ME and You I spoke about how there are these amazingly, breath taking moments where we unconsciously allow allow our inner beauty to shine. I also spoke about how we should work more on not hiding this side of who we are... after all there is nothing wrong with being beautiful.

However... there is a side to us we need to work on minimizing! And that is our stupid moments! Ya... we must get them, its a part of life, but SERIOUSLY stupid moments make me feel stupid and I hate that!

I'd say a stupid moment is one defined as: you know the outcome is crap and you still do it hoping it would be different!

Some people would say it's hope! I'd say.. SERIOUSLY??!

For example... if you're dieting and dying to loose wait... do we honestly think "cheesecake" would go by unnoticed on the scale!? That's a clear moment of stupidity!

You tell someone you like him/her times and times again... and they still push us back... do we honestly think this time it would be different... if they changed their mind they'd come back on their own... unless we enjoy feeling bad and rejected, we're simply being stupid!

You tell a friend times and times again that something bothers you and obviously it's beyond their abilities to change... unless we're looking for another pointless argument, I suggest we become the bigger, better person and just move on!

You have work presentation... and you're tight on deadline and it's 12 am... work is in 8-9 hours... is it really time to check your Farm on Facebook, make sure your Mafia is doing well! Why are you signed in, in first place! So again... unless we enjoy looking like crap in big and important meetings... we're just being stupid!

The list can go on forever and ever! And the above are just simple stuff... there are many more complicated and serious examples!

These aren't stuff we should be hopeful about! We should be hopeful about things were outcomes are unknown, unexpected and likely to change... but some stuff... outcomes are crystal clear! And some of these stuff we can easily control with a minimal level of will and control!

This whole issue sums in self control... in our ability to tell ourselves NO! We NEED to teach ourselves when to fight back temptations that later lead us to sink in misery! - it is something I daily try to teach myself (desperately), 'cause I personally suck (big time) at say NO to myself (fore more examples on my greatest weakness you can check my post on letting go)!

SO... Why do we act stupid when we know the outcome?? I have no idea what so ever!

We act stupid... THEN we feel stupid, we feel like fools, we regret stuff... we get pissed, annoyed, frustrated... we start wishing we could turn back time, that things change... we keep whining about how unlucky we are and how life is unfair...

YET... the simple explanation is that we consciously decide to be stupid... knowing that we cannot handle the consequences... we still insist on doing it!

So let's try to have less stupid moments... more beautiful moments! That way we're all winners!

The Beautiful ME and YOU...

Regardless of how we feel sometimes... we get our low esteem moments... our falls... our high peeks of self criticism... and the fact that we sometimes hate no one BUT ourselves... the FACT and the truth is... both me and you have a beautiful and amazingly kick ass side to us!

What kindda annoys me though... is that sometimes we try hard to hide the beautiful side to us because worried we'd seem corny... we like to appear as the strong, careless, arrogant, self centered JERKS we think we are...

Fact is... deep down I know I'm beautiful inside... and I know YOU are beautiful inside...

Sometimes I'd be sitting with a highly qualified "jerk" and outta the blue that person forgets that he or she has to give this uptight and annoying attitude and BINGO I see their beautiful side...

This beautiful ME and YOU moment could be: a simple smile, a statement about how much we love our moms, giving a homeless child something to eat, calling our little brother or sister because we're worried they're late, keeping a picture of our ex in our wallet, helping an old lady cross the street, bragging about how much we'd love to turn out like our dads, humming a cute romantic song, getting caught daydreaming and smiling, admitting that we sometimes cry, admitting that we actually forgave the person who hurt us the most, admitting that if we could actually tell that person that we did forgive them we would, that we still keep our teddy bear from childhood, that we still check our ex's Facebook page everyday, that we cry in movies, that flowers make our day, that we're suckers for chocolate, that our best friend is our dream man/woman, that our mom's food is the best thing we've ever tasted...

The list can go on forever...

The beautiful me and you moment, is a moment we don't plan for, a moment when we're lost in time... HOWEVER it can change how we see each other... It allows you to know something about me that you didn't know don't know... it allows me to see you from a different perspective... It is something that makes us both smile!

So... should we still care we look corny?!? I say NO! Let the beautiful me and you shine! Let it grow... Trust me being beautiful inside and letting it show is a lot better than being a jerk :)

I'm PISSED!

So... me being a Copt in Egypt... I can clearly admit that this post will be biased!

But I'm seriously and honestly pissed at whatever is happening in Egypt... and particularly to us as a minority group, and yes we are a minority treated like a minority! I keep trying to keep politics outside my blog but with every passing day the situation is getting worst and worst and it is becoming unavoidable! And ignoring it just means I'm another hypocrite!

Let me flash back to Jan. 25... Egyptian Christians, or let me say most or some of them, were accused of being passive... that they don't care about their "home" land... that they don't want to participate in creating a "better future" for themselves... that they are watchers not do-ers... that we are supportive of the old regime... that they're leaving other people die and will later enjoy lavish "freedom!"

Let me just say: BULL SHIT!!

Personally I knew this would happen to Christians as a minority when all this instability started to erupt... personally I saw it coming, probably we as Christians all did... and personally I'm not gonna pretend I'm happy about this revolution just to fit in with the majority and avoid being attacked as a corrupt member of the "old regime!"

And I don't give a damn who is behind these attacks! I don't care if they're the Muslim Brotherhood, the Salfis, remains of the old regime, the mob, the police or even a bunch of WACKOS! I don't care if it's just a small group of uneducated people who lead to such events! The end result is the same!

And what are we doing about it?!? Waiting for the next attack to happen!

What I care about is that Christians are being killed day after day, using all sorts of random and retarded excuses... before who ever attacked a Christian was defined as mentality and emotionally unstable! - as if! And now, it's always about a woman who converted! Don't you think it's degrading to the human mind and to the pride of Christians when it's simplified to this extent!!!

And I still have to smile and state: it's not racism, it's not an attack on a minority group... I have to pretend I'm okay with it and I have to go along with the flow and say: we're fine, nothing is wrong, this is just a little political tension, some external foreign agenda, the "bad guys of the old regime are messing with our heads trying to mess up the love and stability, our beautiful coexistence....

Seriously again: BULL SHIT!!

Every time something happens... I look at this post and I ask myself: do I post it? Do I loose the fake face that I pull up of it being a phase bound to end... Do I risk upsetting good friends because I'm pissed!? But seriously enough is enough... things are really getting too far!

I won't speak about the previously unjustified attacks on Christians... like Jan 2010 Christmas Attack in Nag Hamady and the Jan 2011 New Year attack in Alex and the "mentality instable" who decided to shoot 4 Christians in a train... let's forget about these... let's speak post Jan. 25... after Egypt regained it's so called freedom!

Let's see "just the main" incidents that took place: the burning down of the Atfeeh Church... the attack on Christian residents in Mokattam... cutting the ear of a Christian man in Elmenia... the persistent roits that the Christian governor of Qena leaves... Pope Shenoda being openly insulted... reports on missing Christian girls... a Coptic Priest being killed in his home in upper Egypt... random rumors about girls who converted... direct announcements and threats to attack Christian churches, disgusting rumors about churches and priests... attacks on 2 churches in Imbaba... and yesterday the mob attacks Christian protesters! And trust me there is a lot more!

All this over 2 or 3 months! Seriously is this logical, acceptable or fair to anyone!!

Are we expected to live with it?

Make peace with those who offend us, kill us and cut off our ears!! Shake hands and pretend as if nothing happened?

Seriously when is it enough... people are dying every freakin' day and we still fail to accept that it is hate crime!

When did it become okay to verbally insult religious figures, when did attacking churches become identified as a phase of political tension... and we're supposed to smile about it and say it'll pass!

Seriously.. what the hell!

Do you have any idea how hurtful and painful it is to endure this?!?

I avoid speaking about the topic because I've reached a point where I'm not sure I'll be diplomatic and tolerant... I'm no longer sure I'll be able to maintain objectivity... and when we object, when we demand action... it's not the right time to mention religious discrimination in Egypt... Egypt has enough to handle!

- sigh!

If places were shifted... if Sheikhs were insulted and mosques were attacked... I'm sure things would have been TOTALLY different!

It is becoming ridiculous! Who knows which church is next?! When did it become okay to be scared while going to pray!??

The situation is becoming sickening... too sickening! It is shameful and disgusting... it is frightening... Every day is worst than the day before!

Egypt is supposed to be my "home" and this is not how a person is supposed to feel at home! This home has nothing to do with stability, security and safety! And as much as this is sad... as much as I am pissed off and I cannot hide it anymore!

The Perfect Life of Others...

We often get this feeling that others run these amazing perfect lives... We often look at them and wonder why can't we lead these smooth, happy and interesting lives?

And we grumble with frustration about why we are not like them... we consider ourselves unfortunate, unlucky and sometimes even cursed because we see our lives as nothing BUT a step from one mud puddle to an even bigger mud puddle!

Even more, we sometimes feel others look at us with this "eye!" And most probably we feel annoyed and you wanna SCREAM at them: if only you know it's not as perfect as it looks...

AND THAT'S THE GLITCH; right there!!

Those people we look at with amusement and sometimes envy... they too wanna scream at us: if only you know it's not as perfect as it looks...

Those people we look up to and claim they have perfect lives.... simply DON'T! Everyone lives in their own roller coaster of events, issues, problems, stress, crap, failures & frustrations... We only think their lives are running smooth... But we all have our bumps... some days are good and happy others are bad, difficult and gloomy!

We all have our ups and downs, however, we are all good at playing pretend... we all like to keep the bad side undercover and we like to show up with big smiles... we like to talk about the things that make us happy... we like to brag about success... we don't want to look bad, we don't want to seem weak, we don't want to get exposed... OR perhaps we just wanna forget about whatever problems we have for just a little while!

And that is REALLY okay! We are entitled to escaping from whatever it is that makes us unhappy!

What matters is that we grasp the fact that whatever we're going through is happening with everyone! We have to realize that these lucky people... are just people with their own good days and bad days!

The perfect lives of others is really an illusion that we immerse ourselves with... little do you know these others might even have more problems than us... they might be considering us lucky!

Let's take it easy... I'm no expert... I'm talking to myself more than talking to anyone... I keep telling myself everyone has problems, there is no such thing as perfect lives, there is no life that runs completely smooth... I keep telling myself these bumps are what give our lives meaning!

So instead of looking at the lives of others with that "eye" I should rather learn to accept mine, smile about it, focus on the bright side and find ways in working around my bad days and my problems.

- sigh!

The BIGGEST Miracle Of All Times...

So... previously I've posted an entry called April (http://bit.ly/fDCffK) and I've spoken in it about how the month of April 2011 would be my biggest challenge in life so far when it comes to waiting…

And although “the wait” wasn't easy and was more than hectic… I have to say that gladly April 2011 is over… and that the end of the wait was positive…

But the real miracle isn't in the positive ending… Of course the positive ending is a relief and rewarding… and I’m very thankful for it…

BUT...

The actual miracle comes in the power of prayers being answered! Throughout April, me and others have been praying for a positive ending for “the wait” and the fact that despite all odds and despite the difficulty of a positive ending actually happening that things still did go well just means that prayers have been answered!

And the biggest miracle of all… and the most rewarding and fulfilling feeling comes when you feel that Someone is listening… Someone greater than everything, bigger than all these odds has actually listened to your prayers and answered them positively…

I believe the BIGGEST miracle of all times is when you pray for something, and regardless of the outcome, positive or negative, you feel that God has been listening!

I seriously have to say… "Thank You Lord!"