Back On Track!

So it's not new years and its not time for resolutions...

But as I said i said the following in my previous post, "New Year... Evolution or Illusion?:" 

"Change does happen, but it doesn't need a clock or a date or to dim out the lights and turn them on to a new you... change is timeless; can happen anywhere, anytime, anyhow...

Change happens when you intend for it to happen...

Change that is time bound is an illusion...

Change that you create is a true evolution...

You decide your own New Year... your New Year, your real evolution, begins when you take a good look at yourself and you realize: now is the time to change!"

So today... right now, I decided that this is my "new year" here are my resolutions:

1. Be more religious! Seriously, I need to get closer to God.
2. Pray more, daily.... once at least!
3. Pray at all time... not just when I need something!
4. Go to church regularly! Once a week, once every to weeks MAX!
5. Find a good service to do.
6. Go back to dieting, FIERCELY!
7. Move on, realistically!
8. Avoid denial and quick fixes! 
9. Forget the people who've chosen to forget me.
10. Focus on the people care and the ones who'll stick with me! 
11. Learn to let go (HOPEFULLY)!
12. Learn to shut up (PLEASE GOD)!
13. Learn  to say NO! 
14. Don't make exceptions for anyone, at any cost! No one is worth it.
15. Do good in the world.
16. Make a difference.
17. Let go of the stupid things that prevent me from being awesome.
18. Be more confident, I actually ROCK! 
19. STOP making stupid mistakes! 
20. STOP caring too much! 
21. Have fun!
22. Be cheerful again!
23. ABANDON the virtual world, except for blogging! 
24. Write.. write and write!
25. Make my blog well known! 
26. Find a passion!
27. Find a place to dump in all my negative energy! 
28. Teach!
29. Be happy and screw the world and people, it's a good change! 
30. Drive more, listening to music and singing along! It cures my soul! 
31. Take more long, boiling hot showers! 
32. Travel more!
33. Dance more, break routine and act stupid (Perfectly healthy)! 
34. Learn the value of myself (MOST IMPORTANTLY)! 

I'll be back on track! 
I will!
I must be back on track! 
It's my only way out!

Look What You Made Me Do!?

We often go through terrible experiences in our lives that put it in difficult, stressful and hectic emotional situations... situations that create heavy emotional burdens on us... and we try our best to find a way out of them. As a result, we turn to the nearest exit... the soonest way out in order to feel OKAY. Or perhaps tell ourselves that we're okay... even if it is just an illusion. And usually it is.

Anything to make you feel good again. Even if its temporary. And usually we do know that is bound to end. We think the distraction will do us good. But when this distraction is gone... we AGAIN get hurt. We think we won't but we do... so instead of feeling better, healing and moving on. We create more emotional scares for ourselves.

We don't find "new" reasons to feel happy! But we rather find "new" reasons to be hurt!

Most of the time... we often wake up from the exit when we find ourselves at another dead end.
This quick fix actually brings more trouble.
Because you fool yourself, you go through deep denial and therefore you take the very wrong decisions and you fall into bigger traps.
In stead of working on forgetting things that you want out of your system and moving on... you actually create more things to regret... you create more burdens and more mistakes...
You look around and you realize that the whole world has moved on and you're still right where you were... maybe even moving backwards.

When does a person learn... when do we actually move on. When do we actually stop fooling ourselves. When do we really move on free of denial... like get cured of this emotional shit we put ourselves through.

I do blame myself for moving from one trap to another. From one stupid mistake to an even bigger mistake. From one thing to regret to another crappy thing to regret!
But I also blame you.
I'm not mad at myself or others as much as I'm mad at you.
Seriously... in order to move on I took the wrong routes.
Really!
Look what you made me do!?

Perfect Picture....

I've always loved pictures... truly madly deeply! I could take pictures everywhere and at all times... it's an addiction that most likely annoys everyone around me! But I love it and always will do... and the emotional reward they give you when you're looking at them on a bad day... is simply priceless!

When I was a child... my wall was completely covered with pictures... every memory documented for me to flash back at when I want.... However, a few days back I looked at my room and I realized I have no pictures around anymore and it frustrated me... so I did a little picture project (since I'm no longer allowed to STICK things on my wall, lol).... 

And here is the outcome:

My super amazing family in my "Love Frame": L (love you) dad, O (only you) Mom, V (love you forever) Mondyyy and E for my amazing little brother (endless love to you) Mon! Perfect frame choice for the perfect family anyone can ever every wish for! You make my life awesome by all means!

A collage of pictures for my and my friends; from the top: Nahla  (we've previously agreed that we perfectly utilize each other as emotional dumpsters), Karim Nabil (miss u keteeer wallahi); Viva, Samy, Mariam and Monday in Vivoz wedding; the Taba girls Trip that was tons of fun, my gorgeous manager and FRIEND Noody (muah), Self (whom I adore), Viva again (please live in the same country ba2a), Attia & Nagiub my amazing friends and brothers (plz come back Attia), Hurgada trip the Tiab's and Mekhail's (the 4 sisters); Serin in Egypt with my lovely Youzz (amazing reunion), my amazing FP7 (first real job) team; and the Ahly-Barcelona outing with the Tiabs and Habib's :)

Youz's wedding :) lovely day and lovely long time, childhood friend! And then another collage: from the top: me, Salsa and Sheero; me, Sandoor and Sheero, chocolate party with at Self's with Self, Sandoor and Roni; all my favorite girls ever at my thesis defense (Mariam, Mondyyy, Sandoor, Mary, Marmar, Amany and my all time favorite HOBZY); my graduation buddies: Dee, Chantal and Salsa; my "farfooosha" partner in crime (one of the ppl I'd kill to have around 24/7) Sarsooora; two the most decent guys ever Ibrahim & Wadid (with Sandoor tab3an); Halloween 2010 with the girlies :) And finally my ALL TIME FAVORITE PIC EVER (regardless of both of us looking crappy) with my all time favorite gal Sandoor 3ala kobry Stanely in my tiny Friends Forever frame :)

And my final corner; the Tiab's and Mekhail's again (love u girls, can never express how much I do); Salsa and Azooz getting married (amazzzing day and amazing friends) and I miss you babe gidan gidan always always; and last but not least akeeeed: LANOULL my best-EST friend (always and forever regardless how far) in the world in her recent visit to Cairo (YAY, still can't believe that actually happened after six long years) and  another tiny Friends Forever frame from the good old Saudi Days that I honestly miss each and every singly day! 

Know that if you're on my wall... you're definitively in my heart! 

Trust in a perfect picture you may not look your best! But you'll feel your best! With the best company creating the best memories ever!

My Pre- Jan. 25th Fears...

WARNING: content of this post is naive, superficial and would piss off most political activists.... I acknowledge this and apologize for it, so please don't attack! 

So a year from Jan. 25 and the entire revolutionary road we've been travelling on in Egypt... I look back and think if this revolution has bough us any good! And unfortunately my answer is NO! As much as I would like to think of the so many positive things this revolution has brought upon us; such as freedom, hope and a boost optimism; I would still have to pass!

On the other hand... all I see is dead people, people living with lifetime cruel disabilities, no safety, messed up tourism, a dull tomorrow and my screwed UP social lief! And this post is dedicated to the last point with all the ignorance and simplicity that this sentence carries.

So ever since the so called Jan 25th Revolution my social life has been going a downward slope. My parents have been on a panic frenzy... where any unnecessary road trip (in their wise opinion) has become a taboo. If it's not work or a must go "homework" outing... then most probably they prefer that I stay at home.

Suddenly 8 pm has become late hour... any dark hour is after curfew. Any "outing" that is not in my home zone is simply far. I've forgotten how Mohandesin, Zamalek and Tahrir look like. Suddenly these places have been restricted to "business meetings" only... and trust me if they can ask me to pass on these too, they would have done it!

Going out after work is a "no, no" because it's dark already... going out on weekends is usually done in day light.

Knowing that my friends are out late and want me to join has become a burden. Let alone internal traveling and a wedding or engagement.

My list of 101 excuses of how to skip an outing because it's an unsafe and my parents would freak out has become obvious!

My age and curfew are suddenly having an inverse relationship! And trust me that's not fun! Let alone saying that I have a curfew in first place (but that is something we can discuss later)!

My life is summarized into: work, business meetings, the mall, a birthday, a wedding, the doctor, university, or a funeral because these are the must haves of life... plus a few random outings here and there (and by there I mean a far awayyyyy there) to be honest. Anything else would need debate, discussion and comprise from me, my friends and the universe probably!

Everything has become unsafe! And they do hold some sanity in their argument, I give them that! However I'd have say 85% of it is simply freaking out! But to them, better safe than sorry! And to me, I've chosen to at least buy my own peace of mind and roll with their game! 

My social life has been screwed up... thanks to this revolution. It's honestly annoying me to the bones. If there was a positive trade off in return... I would have seen it and said "okie, my social life got screwed up for a cause and a good reason!" But seriously... I don't see any and I'm just annoyed! Sorry to say! 

So we're almost a year away since Jan. 25th, 2011... and we're all crossing our fingers with what to expect regarding what will happen on the so called Revolution Anniversary. I hope things settle down cause this isn't the life is signed up for... I support the political cause but this really isn't the plan I had for my life... I hope the coming Jan. 25th doesn't screw my life up even more!

So my hopes for the new revolutions are: to get back the security I previously took for granted and gain back my social life!


~ I've warned you! 

Sleepless Nights Crying...

So in contrary to my previous post about smiling this post is about my very long, sleepless nights spent crying!

Well, for the last few months I've had this thing that has started out in my life... at first it just kept me up all nights, many nights in a row... just staring at the ceiling hoping the night goes by... hoping that with the break of dawn things get better... and that keeping myself busy would distract me from all the pain...

Apparently I was wrong... because the pain just kept getting worst and worst... because before I just starred at the ceiling hoping the time goes by... aware of every clock "tick" "tock" BUT then it the pain got stronger and more intense. I would spend every single night crying... and nothing and I mean nothing I would do would seize my pain. I though of every way possible to make the pain stop. You name it, I thought of it! I even thought of physical ways with which I can end the pain... taking things into my own hands, doing the extreme measures.

I tried to do whatever I can to patch things up... I tried quick fixes and long term fixes. I tried helping myself and tried getting external help. Every possible patch I've tried. I tried my best in order to keep the final detachment as a last resort.

But as you'd expect... things would get better for just a short time and then I'd be back to square one... "sleepless nights crying;" even more the pain would get worst and worst....

I've reached to a point where I lost hope... like this cycle would never end... it because a living nightmare... how come something be so painful... how can it keep coming back no matter how much you try to fix it or push it away....

And then I decided I've had enough... it's time for this mess to end. The final detachment needs to happen. These quick fixes aren't working and things end up screwed again, probably getting worst.

So.. I finally STOPPED the pain and pulled it out of my system. And it wasn't easy! And unexpectedly complicated! And for a while... it hurt even more than the actual pain!

But it ended!

Right now I'm experiencing some withdrawal symptoms... the lingering pain... the final remains... but I'm getting better.

Sometimes remembering it even gives me the shivers.

And of course there is a scar left there to remind me daily of the hell I've been through...

But things are improving. Each day more than the day before.
I'm healing... gladly.

--------

And now... go back and read every single line of this post again. This time with a fresh a mind... because I wasn't talking about a person, like most of you probably thought, I was talking about one hell of a tooth that has keeping me up for nights and nights and finally last Saturday after several effort to fix it from cavity remove to root canals and crowns... I've pulled it out in one hell of a complicated, hurtful procedure. Because that tooth, just couldn't come out easy! It had to break into little pieces making my life even harder. But it's out and I'm relieved....
--------

Funny how the human mind sometimes works....

Reasons We Girls Smile...

There are so many reasons why we girls smile... Sometimes they're honest smiles and sometimes they're not... most probably every smile we've got has it's own meaning... a meaning we only know deep down because it reveals our true intentions...

We might smile because we really like someone or what's going on, or we might smile because we want to pretend like we like what's going on.

There is a smile that carries a lot of innocence with every thing this word could mean... and there is a smile that could carry seduction and an evil plan....

We might smile because we honestly carry good feelings for the moment or we could smile to hide loads of hatred and disappointment...

We might smile because we've just seen you, herd your voice or have you near...

We might smile because we're really out of words, nothing in the world would say how we feel or we could just have nothing to say and we're trying to avoid conversation. We might smile because we're completely indulged in whatever it is you're saying or we're just trying to seem interested...

Our smile could really mean we're truly happy and dancing deep inside or we could be smiling in order to hide utter and complete sadness and heart break...

We might smile because you're funny, or because we want you to think you're funny. Because we get what you mean or because we actually want to get you!

There is a smile that shows excitement, support and pleasure and there is one that hides anxiety, panic and fear...

We might smile because we love you or we might smile to make you think we love you. We might also smile in hopes that you would love us back. We might smile because we have you in our life, we might smile just thinking about you and we might smile because you just walked away.

We might smile as a replacement to saying we love you, we miss you, to thank you or to let you know we're happy you're there...

Sometimes we smile because you've taken us by great surprise...  or to hide the fact that we were expecting more..

We could smile at an inside joke we share or at the fact that we share nothing...

Sometimes we smile because we know it makes us look good...

Our smile could be naive and could mean that we fell for your game or it could mean that we're smiling because we know exactly what's going on and that we're being played.

We might smile because we've gone shopping and even more we smile because you're the one who paid...

We might smile because we know it makes you feel good and secure that things are okay...

Girls smile for so many different reasons... some are good and honest, coming deep from the heart and some are deceiving. Most of the time they're true smiles... Point is a girl's smile is always a charm... it's your call to know what that smile carries deep down because most probably... we'd never tell :)

26 Things I Have AND Have Not Done Before Turning 26!

Well, I'm turning 26 today... I'm less depressed than I was when I turning 25. Anyways, I thought why not do a random checklist of the stuff I have and have not done before turning 26!

HAVE DONE - proudly or sadly, but mostly proudly!

1. Lived in two countries; Saudi Arabia and Egypt
2. Had friends from across the globe
3. Acted, directed and wrote plays
4. Finished my BA and MA
5. Gave a speech on behalf of my graduation class
6. Been angry to the extent that I smash something across a wall
7. Para sailed
8. Laughed till I cried
9. Got addicted (literally) to a show: Grey's Anatomy
10. Was titled funniest and most talented girl in high school
11. Drove while sleeping 
12. Obsessed over / fell for someone I never met!
13. Had three different jobs
14. Been broke, completely
15. Been mugged! 
16. Been in a major accident, and lived :) gladly
17. Done stupid and REALLY (okay really) foolish things for love! 
18. Fell for the wrong guys... OVER and OVER again! 
19. Read the same book at least 200 times
20. Made great friends and lost people who were supposed to be great friends! 
21. Fell in love with sushi suddenly
22. Read a novel over night
23. Sang and danced while driving 
24. Created imaginary stories in my head and lived with them for a while
25. Hated someone then became their very good friend
26. Started a blog

HAVE NOT DONE ~ and should have done!

1. Read the Bible entirely 
2. Had a surprise birthday party, I always figure out before they happen 
3. Done something completely insane and crazy 
4. Ditched classes 
5. Gone shopping with nothing but a fully loaded credit card 
6. Got an F in a course 
7. Learned German and French 
8. Watched Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings!
9. Been in a relationship 
10. Been on a date
11. Been to the movies alone
12. Gone clubbing or been drunk 
13. Partied late 
14. Tried any type of drug 
15. Reached my ideal weight 
16. Traveled around the world 
17. Seen snow 
18. Danced in the rain 
19. Gone swimming with my clothes on (don't ask me why it seems appealing) 
20. Caught the bouquet in a wedding 
21. Lied about where I'm spending the night 
22. Published a book 
23. Been good in a sport 
24. Learned drumming 
25. Saved money 
26. Drove faster than 120 Km/Hour

New Year... Evolution or Illusion?

We often think that with the tick of the clock, once it turns 12 and it's a new year our life would change... a whole new beginning to life and our selves would come out... we wait for an evolution, for the world to change... for the unexpected, for resolutions we have been making for the year or years to finally come to live!

BUT... with years, I've earned some experience and wisdom, and  I've come to realize that this hope for an evolution as the New Year approaches... is most likely just an illusion.

I don't meant to be dramatic or to kill the optimism we have for the whole new year, new beginning fairy tale we all, including me, live in. But, sometimes we come in terms with reality and its good to stop and share it. May be make someone else avoid the stupidity you've been placed in before! If someone out there is expecting a magical moment of change... I'm not saying it doesn't happen; I'm just saying don't count on New Year to be that magical moment. 

In the so called life... Jan 1st, 12 am each year is just the next second, the next minute, the next day, the next month, the next year.... its just another clock tick of no particular significance or change.

If there was this one split second where everything changes suddenly, where we click a button and the past is deleted and a new horizon opens up... then New Year's would be a universal moment across Egypt, Lebanon, Dubai, Jordan, Saudi, US, Canada, UK, Germany, France, India, Singapore... but facts are this magical moment isn't universal, there is no single moment where the ENTIRE world stops and we all get a chance to start over new! This moment is different across countries, across states, across cities, across homes and across the people in the same home. Each person's clock hits 12 am at a different split second! 

Truth remains... New Year's is just a thing we've created! An illusion we've immersed ourselves with giving ourselves hope that there is a chance to get up and fix things to re-evaluate where we stand!

I'm not being pessimistic; I'm being realistic... 
Change does happen, but it doesn't need a clock or a date or to dim out the lights and turn them on to a new you... change is timeless; can happen anywhere, anytime, anyhow...

Change happens when you intend for it to happen...

Change that is time bound is an illusion...

Change that you create is a true evolution...

You decide your own New Year... your New Year, your real evolution, begins when you take a good look at yourself and you realize: now is the time to change!

The "Message!"

We often have unanswered questions that we would like to find answers for. We over work our brains trying to analyze the situation in order to come out with the possible scenario we should follow. Even more; sometimes we already know the RIGHT answer but we try to find ways around in order to satisfy an inner desire or will that we have.

And that's OKAY! We all do that! It's part of the complicated people we've actually turned out to be. 

But fact is, when it comes down to it... we know the right answer! We know their is right and wrong! We know that what we want is really not the best for us. BUT we fight it so hard; we resist.

Denial creates this amazing bubble around us, making what we do seem like the right thing to do... telling us to enjoy the moment; do what feels good; that we only live once; that there is nothing wrong with stepping outside our comfort zones for a bit; that throwing the Rule Book away sometimes is okay!

BUT then... you get the MESSAGE!
And this message comes like a BIG stab in the heart! Reminding you that you're not on the right track! Flashing right in front of your eyes how you'd end up if you continue living in that bubble. The exact fruit you'd be yielding at the end. It comes right there out of the blue, as if God is sending you a clear message, slapping you in the face to wake up, get up and do something to change the situation around.

And don't be surprised how this message comes across. It could be in a direct form, like something you read in the Bible! Or indirect like a conversation you overhear; a movie you see; a book you read; a song you hear; a show you watch; a joke you hear! But the irony of the situation is that once you see or hear the message, something in you pinches! It hits right on the spot. And it hurts! It's like the message is speaking to you directly!

At first it frustrates you... then you think... then you realize... and finally you decide how you'd react!

The message can come to you as a rescue, reinforcing something you've been wanting to do for a while. OR you may hate it; because AT LEAST you didn't want that message right now. You wanted to enjoy your denial just a little longer!

And there are two scenarios to how you'd react to the message... 
Your guilt conscious drives you nuts and you go back on track...
OR you fall into deeper denial, telling yourself it was just coincidence... and you move in the direction where you were going. And if that happens; I'm not exactly sure when the next message comes along. If another rescue would be on the way.

I'm the first type of people. My conscious can seriously eat me up alive! Sometimes like a party pooper because denial is sometimes an awesome place to be at! But because I know that this was the right thing all along... I thank God for the message! The sooner, the better. Before the lie you're living turn into reality... before it is too late to withdraw... before the consequences become to hard to handle.

When I get the message I right away act upon it even if it may mean I get out of the amazing bubble sometimes!