Kissing 2010 Good Bye….

So, I woke this morning realizing it’ll never be 2010 again, I mentioned before how fast this year has been… and I’m not gonna change my mind about that (it was super fast actually)… but all in all, with it’s good and bad, it’s over... and we’re celebrating!

We’re celebrating our good moments with our families and friends, our accomplishments, our growth, our maturity, our fun memories... we’re celebrating with the ones we’ve got closer to this year and the new friends and people we gained in our life… we’re celebrating the things we’ll be carrying with us to 2011 because we believe they make us happy!

In the same time, we’re trying to get rid and forget the things that upset and hurt us, the wrong decisions we’ve taken, the bad memories of 2010. We make resolutions (that we may not necessarily follow) in hopes of avoiding these things in 2011.

As I mentioned before, I usually end up having the same resolutions every year, so this time I asked people to send me their resolutions… let me share so of the interesting and common ones:

To learn to forgive and forget…

To never hold grudge…

To stop talking to the fools who makes us feel like crap…

To loose weight…

To quit smoking…

To get over ex-es...

To get back to ex-es…

To find the right partner…

To tell the person you love that you love them…

To get married…

To getting the best wedding dress…

To have the wedding of your dreams…

To get kids…

To learn to let go…

To learn to hold on to people who matter to you…

To meet new people...

To know when it's time to let go of people...

To learn how to draw the line...

To learn to say NO...

To be more flexible...

To learn how to make compromises...

To learn how to deal with anger…

To do better in school…

To grow at work…

To change jobs...

To save more...

To work less...

To work more...

To balance your work and personal life...

To peruse higher levels of education…

To never study again…

To start your own business…

To party less…

To party more...

To read more…

To kill fools on the streets…

To cuss the fools on the street less…

To try and make Egypt better…

To get the hell outta here…

To show your family you care about them more…

To always be there for your parents…

To get over the past and move forward...

To get rid of bad habits…

To never change for anyone…

To pray more…

To believe that God does what’s best for you…

To the believe that the best is yet to come…

To cry less…

To laugh more…

To be less depressed…

To never give up or quit…

To take life more seriously...

To take life less seriously...

To have inner peace…

To make better use of time...

To learn to enjoy life…

SO… these are the resolutions I got, surprisingly a lot of people share the same ones and we donno! I think it's easy to guess which ones belong to males and which ones belong to females (as usual, lol)... some are fun, some are serious, some contradict each other and some complete each other...

And whether we manage achieve these resolutions or not... if you think about it, these are things we believe would make us happy, the things that would make us feel better about our life... the things we'd like to change.

Anyhow… 

I wish you all (and myself) a very happy 2011… full of all the stuff that makes us happy, smile and worry free, hopefully less of the stuff that upset us.

Hoping dreams come true, hoping things get better and believing that the best is yet to come. Believing deep down that if you really ask God to make 2011 better for you and to let it go according to His plans rather than yours… it’ll be an amazing year!

Have yourself an amazing evening, have fun and create memories that will last a lifetime… and we’ll be talking again in 2011.

Happy New Year!

My Gut Feelings…

Honestly, I’m pretty pissed off at my gut feelings…

Lately, my gut feelings have been crashing me right through a freaking wall! I used to trust my instincts perfectly well before and they have never let me down… but lately… I’m honestly disappointed and pissed of with them…

And I have no clue why this is valid or worthy of sharing with people, but that’s the point, this place is for me to trash talk myself and get out whatever is bothering me and feel good about it… So I’m sort of exercising my legal right!

My gut feelings told me to take certain decisions and they all turned out to be a massive flop…

Decisions that are making me feel bad...

Decision that I regret (the feeling I hate the most)...

Decisions that were really stupid…

Decisions that made me go back to things that I should have never gone back to…

My gut feelings even told me some people were better than I thought, and I trusted them, and that too didn’t turn out too well...

My gut feelings were 100% sure things would go well and turn out as planned and they haven’t and now I’m feeling like crap about it!

I miss my old gut feelings that were perfectly accurate and reliable… they never deceived me or let me down… before everyone would tell me something and my gut feelings would tell me another and it would always turn out right! I really miss that!

But ENOUGH… I’ve decided I won’t be relying much on them…

I’ll use my gut feelings for things like which outfit looks nicer, which chocolate looks tastier… but anything other than that, anything more important, anything with further implications on my life… I’m really not depending on them anymore!

First New Year’s Resolution: Less Gut Feelings, More Brains!

Heh!

P.S. E-mail me your New Year Resolutions at mado.mekhail@gmail.com for my next post! Should be fun...

The Opposite Of What I Say…

There is this quote that I’ve come across over the past while and I honestly don’t know who said or came up with it, but it became known across Facebook and it got me thinking; so here is how it goes...

"There's always a little truth behind every 'just KIDDING', a little knowledge behind every 'I don't KNOW', a little emotion behind every 'I don't CARE', and a little pain behind every 'it’s OK'."

I loved that quote the minute I saw it; for a while I thought I like it ‘cause it sounds real and cute… but then I was like damn!

Actually everything I say when I’m down, upset, hurt or exposed I usually mean the exact opposite…

So...

When I say… It’s no big deal; it actually is a huge deal for me…

When I say… I’m okay; I’m actually saying I’m really not okay…

When I say… who cares, I care a lot and wish people cared as well…

When I say… I never wanna speak to you again; I actually mean that I’d never wanna stop speaking to you…

When I say… I don’t wanna talk about it, I mean that I really wanna talk about it…

When I say… never mind, I do mind… A lot…

When I say… leave me alone, I actually want you there…

When I say… forget about it… it’s actually all I think about…

Sometimes I even say… “lol,” when I’m actually hurt and think there is nothing to possibly laugh at…

And the list can go on forever… I guess you got the picture!

So why do I say the opposite of what I think and feel? I really really really dunno! It could be ‘cause I don’t wanna make it seem like I care too much, or ‘cause I wanna sound like I’m strong and things don’t get to me…

And I realized I do end up giving the image that I’m MACHO, when I’m really not even close to it! People assume I’m a lot tougher than I really am, they think things don’t get to me, they think it’s hard for me to be upset… they think I’ve got stone cold heart… when as a matter of fact, lol, I’m the most emotional and sensitive person I ever came across… and I think that’s exactly what I’m trying to hide!

I think it even pushes people I care about away, ‘cause when I’m upset in general or from them, I ask them to leave me completely alone… what they don’t know is that I never want them gone!

So I’m basically confusing myself and others, if that makes any sense!

So, I don’t know if I got to work on changing that. Maybe I need to work on better expressing what I really wanna say and how I really feel! Or maybe there are people who would understand me better and would understand how I feel and what I’m trying to say when I say those things!

I honestly dunno… all I know is that how I feel turned out to be exactly the opposite of what I say!

May be you guys should tell me if any of you are like that as well... would make me feel better if I'm not the only one who feels something and says another!

The Significant Other...

We as females seldom get into deep discussions regarding how we’d like our partners to be… and opinions do differ and you’d be surprised at what sort of things girls look for… I mean it’s not a lie when they say we’re complicated, lol!

Anyhow, deep down inside, I totally believe that this significant other could be the exact opposite of what you’ve always been dreaming of and could probably not resemble that image you’ve always had for him in your mind…

But like all girls, I too do have an image…

And by image I do not mean in looks, it’s more like a perception of who the person would be…

I want a guy I can count on and depend on, someone I can trust…

A guy who likes me a lot and is patient ‘cause I tend to piss of the people I like, lol! I meant it, patience is key!

I want to be able to talk to him forever and ever, be able to tell him anything that comes to mind, I want him to be the first person who crosses my mind whenever something happens…

I don’t want my heart to every stop beating when I hear his voice or see him… and I definitely want us to keep smiling every time our eyes meet.

I want him to be able to talk to me into stuff, not ‘cause he’s the guy and his word goes over mine, but because I want to listen to what he’s gotta say, ‘cause his opinion does matter to me…

I want him to look at me when I’m speaking, bring me flowers for no good reason and msg me when we’re at work just to say hi :) I want to cuddle with him and watch a movie… I want to be day dreaming and turn to find him looking at me…

I want him to know I’m upset without me saying and I want him to know how to make me smile when I’m down…

I want to love him enough to be able to make sacrifices… love him enough to care that he’s happy…

Don’t want us to be a boring couple… to not have something to say to each other…. to have inner jokes that crack us up…to go on random trips together!

So will this perception ever really be met? I dunno, I definitely hope it does…

But I’m guessing my Significant Other could be better, could be worst or could just be amazingly different…

December....

To me December is a time of evaluation… every 1st of December I go like: “shit, it’s already December! Where the hell did this year go?!”

I know it’s the time of Christmas and New Year… so I won’t get too depressing! However…

I got to say 2010 was one hell of a fast year for me… I mean, we say this every single year but this year was just plain FAST…

True, I did change jobs, took major steps in completing my MAs… but that is practically just it! I’m not denying that these stuff are major, important and valuable… Oh… and started a blog, lol, BUT for some reason… I just feel I’m in the exact same place where I was in 2009, maybe even 2008 and for all I care 2007…

Since I was a kid, I had this certain dream for myself…

That I’d be outgoing, fun, famous, an author, a teacher, an artist, adventurous, travel all over the world, meet new people, meet interesting people, a radio presenter, a devoted partner, a standup comedian, a psychiatrist, study literature, an influential manager, a successful career driven person, a social butterfly… so many things…

Sometimes I feel I'm stuck where I am when I could be completely somewhere else and be someone else! It's frustrating :(

I just feel I’m having the same inner thoughts, the same conflicts, the same arguments with the same people, the same problems, same concerns, same feelings… the same everything… it’s sort of killing me… lol (see not depressing @ all)!

And guess what… every year I sort of make the same resolutions! LOL!

A good friend and my manager, Kevin (aka K.P.), told me: think of your life as just one week and your life expectancy is about 70 years old. You’re almost 25…

Given the week in Egypt starts on Sunday… I’m on Tuesday evening! All I got left is… Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday! Crap!

Okie… it’s not as depressing as it may sound… like I have 4 days left alive… but I just feel I better work on turning this illusion I had for my life into reality…

IN THE SAME TIME.... I love December for Christmas & New Year… it’s a festive happy season, full of gatherings, parties, food and gifts… BUT I hate that it reminds me of the fact that I am right where I was last December...

Bed Rest...

Whoever coined the term bed rest was a smart dude that I totally admire! I tried finding who came up with the term but wasn’t lucky enough...

I’ve been sick the last few days (that’s where I have been, I didn’t decide to give you all a break from my amazingly interesting posts... definitely being sarcastic) and honestly what works better than medicine is bed rest… just complete and utter rest… seriously works like magic for me.

I figured sleep cures me, lol! Brilliant!

So obviously I hate being sick, it sucks! Last Thursday and Friday were horrible! Being sick in the winter really really really makes me miserable!

However, on Saturday… when I was a little better, bed rest actually was not so bad!

I realized I slept REALLY well, (from Thursday 7 pm til Saturday 7 am, minus the times I had to wake up to take meds, use the bathroom, run around the streets at 1 am to take some anti-throwing up shot and so on...) after I’ve been completely deprived of sleep!

I sent a lot of work emails, something I usually never do on weekends, which made today a lot easier given I'm still sick!

And I READ!!! Something I haven’t done since summer ‘cause I had no time what so ever! I read an entire book (my favorite one even)! Well, it’s a book I know pretty damn well (The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton), but I love it and I’ve been wanting to read it for a very long time and I finally found time for it!! YaY!

So being sick still sucks… I mean it from the bottom of my heart! Throwing up all through Thursday can’t be considered fun what so ever!

But I managed to turn it around in the end of the weekend and I did my favorite thing ever (reading, in case you haven’t noticed), lol

Okie… I admit this entry is boring as hell and pointless BUT I’m excited I turned a retarded weekend and a terrible cold into something good when I’d usually complain and whine about it…

Yay for me :) I’m sick and cheerful and that rarely happens!

Achievement...

I had a completely different post planned for today.... UNTIL I got the results of the most important and hardest exam I ever had to take in my life...

I PASSED!!

And the feeling of achievement is KICK ASS...

I love it!

I'm very thankful...

I'm very happy....

And I can't help but smile :)

Feeling you've achieved something, you've moved forward, you've gotten closer to getting to where you want.... is just great!

Now, I'm closer to finishing my Masters :)

Achieving something you've been working hard for gives you confidence in your abilities and what you can do! 

And achieving something you've been praying for tells you God is listening... and that is the best part of this whole thing! I'm really just very thankful :)

And I thought I'd have something more to say... but I don't!

I just love the feeling :)

I'm honestly very happy...

My Sanctuary...

Each person has his or her sanctuary… the place where they feel most comfortable and probably safe.

Well, my sanctuary is "my car!”

It may seem ridiculous to many people that a person driving in Cairo would consider their car their sanctuary given the traffic jams, the stress, the crazy drivers, the crazy pedestrians, and frequently the crazy animals…

But I just LOVE it!

I’d have to agree though that I can’t consider this sanctuary exactly safe, but let me tell you why…

My car is the only place where I’m completely alone… I don’t hate being around people, but sometimes I just like being alone…

Sometimes I just need a private moment with myself and I feel like my life lacks any sort of privacy, I don’t have any time just for me; there are always people around…

In my car I can:

• Talk to myself as much as I want,
• Think as much as I want (given the traffic and long hours spent there, I get a good opportunity to think),
• Plan my day,
• Make my calls (since I’m not comfortable speaking on the phone around people), 
• Listen to music, 
• Listen to the corny music I used to hear back in school (lol),
• Sing aloud when I feel like it (regardless of how bad my voice is), 
• Cry on tensed days, 
• Roll down the windows and let the air hit me (on relatively empty days),
• Think aloud, 
• Laugh aloud, 
• Trash talk other drivers as much as I want, 
• Speed up if I want to… 

I can’t explain I guess, but it’s just “me, myself and I.” I love who I am when I’m alone in my car… if that makes any sense… In fact it’s sometimes the highlight of my day… the time of day I look forward to… it’s my escape… it’s “ME TIME!”

Sometimes my favorite day is a day when I have a long drive, traffic is smooth, windows rolled down, music playing & I'm singing like no one is watching :)

My car is my sanctuary… and I love it!

The Bigger, Better Person…

Sometimes in situations where you’re about to get into an argument with someone dear to you… someone else interferes, or an inner voice tells you: "Be the Bigger, Better person!"

I’ve always tried to be that person; to absorb the situation in order to avoid tension, arguments & confrontations that put relationships on edgy spots…

However, I’ve come to realize that being the Bigger, Better person has its downfalls…

And the word relationship here is a pretty wide term that shouldn’t be linked to male-female relationships; I’m speaking about any social relationship that could exist! In the same time, I'm not referring to anyone in particular, it's just a general feeling that has unfortunately been overwhelming me lately...

People assume you’ll always be that person who doesn’t complain… the person who exists to take the crap of others… the person who will always take initiative: call first, smile first, be nicer, keep in touch…

Honestly it’s starting to piss me off a bit…

I mean… someone else can try being the Bigger, Better person for a change…

Sometimes I wanna be the person whose feelings are taken into consideration and taken care of; I want to be pampered and I wanna be the person who complaints, I want to be the person who people take effort to ask about and keep in touch with…

Someone else can make sure peaceful relationships are maintained… ‘cause for some reason being that Bigger, Better person leads people to think you never get upset... sometimes you even don't exist!

I’m sorry but NO!

In fact, when I keep being that person, I come to a point when I just EXPLODE for no good reason and I turn from the Bigger, Better person to the EVIL person and for some reason people don’t get why I’ve exploded ‘cause I never complained before...

So obviously I won’t change overnight…

But UNFORTUNATELY, although I love being that person 'cause I don't mind making compromises or sacrifice for the people I love (in fact I love it and it's who I really am), I’ll just learn to draw the line at some point ‘cause apparently the Bigger, Better person is taken for granted & forgotten about and people don’t appreciate it… and that just hurts!

When To Post...

Well I know it’s too early to make any blogging observations, but I realized we tend to go online on weekdays, during working hours, we go online when we have something to do and we’re procrastinating… (Again I’m not expert on people’s behaviors and trends… just a mere observation, not a generalization)!

True, I write to express my thoughts, to get out whatever it is that I do feel inside. The main purpose of writing is for me to feel better… to get out things that I’ve always had suppressed…

That being said… if I wanted to write and share things between me and myself I would have kept a diary, but I do post my writings on a blog because I do want to share things with other people, get their feedback, know if I’m the only wacko who feels this way...

For that reason, I’ve come to a conclusion that weekend posts are a waste (weekend being Friday and Saturday in Egypt where majority of my readers are, lol, it's just hilarious saying I've got readers, anyhow...), it doesn’t help me get feedback and know what you think… for this reason I’m giving the posts a weekend as well… because people don’t see them… and I want them to.

Not only that… I’m a new at this… I realized I couldn’t possibly have something to share every single day... I honestly don’t wanna post stuff for the sake of posting stuff daily and on a regular basis… I’ll use the weekend to plan…. to have something to say during the week… see what I wanna tell the people… dig into my brains and feelings… create a backup bank of ideas for the days when I have a writer’s block, when I’m emotionally cold and have nothing great to say…

Until maybe in the future it turns into a habit that I blog on a daily and regular basis… that a day can’t go by without me sharing something….

Anyhow... We’ll see…

Family...

This entry is observational… not a generalization… using the word “we” doesn’t necessarily make it a rule… in fact it may only be applicable to me…

We’re sometimes at this age when we get drifted away from family because we care too much about our friends…

Pleasing them, making sure they aren’t upset, making sure we know all about them and they know all about us, making time for them, giving them our attention, involving them in every aspect of our life, willingly being there for them, making sure we listen to them…

And it makes me wonder… are our friends more important to us than our families?

Deep down inside, I’m sure each one’s answer to that question is: HELL NO!

I can’t deny they are both important and needed for a balanced life.

Our families mean a lot to us even if we sometimes loose track… even if they sometimes fall at the back of our heads.

And our friends are needed for our social being and development; for the fun side to our life, the chit chats, the gossip, the hang outs, the laughs, the inside jokes... and A LOT more (our friends need a separate post to give them what they deserve as well)...

They are both important and complementary… we can’t live without them and they’re both needed!

But... why do we like to make it seem like our friends matter more… why do we sometimes brag about our families not understanding us or that we don’t fit in… why is it so hard to show that we care or how much we love them!?

I’m not claiming I’m not doing this… or that I’m observing a trend that I don’t follow… in fact, I probably wrote about it ‘cause it applies to me more than anyone else :(

When I thought about it, the best answer I could come up with to these questions is that we sometimes take for granted the fact that our families are always there…

Sometimes I feel we need to give our families the attention that they deserve. Even if we feel it deep inside we need to show it more often so they know we care. We don’t have to wait till something happens so we realize we’ve been slacking off…

Our friends are important… BUT our families are who we are and why we’re here... Our friends are likely to come and go… true our families can and do come and go as well… but they’re likely the ones who won’t turn their backs on us, the ones we can count on at all times without hesitation, the ones we don’t mind being exposed in front of…

Our families are more likely the ones we have for keeps...

The Two Boys Who Make Me Smile...

The two boys who make me smile are the very same two boys who make me cry…

Almost every day, as I drive back from work I see them… The most two gorgeous boys anyone could possibly look at… they’re probably brothers, aged 8 and 5… and they are just so overwhelming…

You look at them and you can tell that all they have is each other…

Well, they’re street children… but I dunno what to do or how to help…

Sometimes I smile… sometimes I try to do a little more… it does make them happy, maybe for just a few seconds… but that’s it; which is really nothing…

I was once driving and I passed right next to them and the little one was sitting half on the sidewalk and half on the street where all the cars were moving… so I told him, “at least sit entirely on the sidewalk so you don’t get hurt.” - like that's a smart thing to say...

I kept an eye on him in the reverse mirror; for minute he stared at my car and then he got up and tried to find a safe spot to sit in… dude… all that kid needs is someone to take care of him and it makes me sad!

It pisses me off that a little kid should be carrying such heavy weight on his shoulders…

And as much seeing them care for each other makes me smile… as much as it kills me inside that every day the innocence on their faces is wearing out…

And believe me, when I pass by and they’re not there, I can’t wait till the next day to see if they’ll be there… as if maybe being on the street right there is possibly a safe place… but at least I know they’re there and not anywhere worst…

– sighs…

The Beauty of Speaking to the Unknown...

Well, there is a certain beauty to the online world, to blogging and even to meeting people randomly and chatting with them for a few minutes and maybe never seeing them or hearing from them again…

For some reason knowing you won’t be seeing that person again or talking to them again makes you be that person you always thought you’d be… the person who has no problem saying whatever comes to mind… the person with the free soul that you wish to be on daily basis…

You can complain about things you can’t tell people in your daily life because you’re afraid you’d look like crap in front of them… or because you don’t wanna be exposed in front of them… you want to maintain the image that people have of you…

For instance you can complain…

• That sometimes you are unsatisfied you are with how your life turned out to be… 
• That sometimes you’re still not over the guy or girl that everyone thinks was a miserable match for you… 
• That sometimes you still can’t get over your friend missing your birthday… 
• That sometimes you wish your family gave you more attention... 
• That sometimes you wish you had more space and privacy... 
• That sometimes you worry about what people think of you… 
• That sometimes you wake up not having a clue what you’ll be doing today… 
• That you sometimes just wanna be completely left alone… 
• That sometimes you just need a hug… 
• That sometimes you miss someone that you just can’t speak to anymore… 
• That sometimes you keep waiting for phone call or message from someone you haven't spoken to in ages... 
• That sometimes you're still disappointed when someone who used to be special doesn't wish you for your birthday or Christmas despite the fact that it's already been 3 or 4 years... 
• That sometimes you just can’t stand the voice of the person you love the most… 
• That sometimes you feel all alone… 
• That sometimes you cry for no good reason… 
• That sometimes you feel no one understands you... 
• That sometimes you pray every single night for the same thing over and over again knowing that it would still not happen... 
• That sometimes you just wanna get up and get crazy... 
• That sometimes the peak of your day is when you're alone driving and singing... 
• That sometimes you use the soap opera you're watching as a random excuse to start crying... 
• That sometimes you wish that you live some fairy tale or the other... 
• That sometimes despite all odds you deceive yourself and say you believe in happy endings.. 
• That sometimes you just wanna hug a random stranger... 
• That sometimes you do corny stuff but don't tell your friends about it... 
• That sometimes you still sing along to the Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls... 
• That sometimes there is that stranger that you love running into for absolutely no good reason... 
• That sometimes you just wish everything in your life were different… 

And the beauty of speaking to the unknown is that you’ve got it off your chest without worrying that someone will judge you… and even if they do, you’re not upset ‘cause you’ll probably not being running into them again… and you just feel better that someone herd you, even if that someone is just unknown…

How I Started Writing....

Well since you are reading my stuff, I think I owe it to you all to tell you how I started writing...

I've always loved reading... I read a lot when I was in school, used to burrow 3 books from the library per week... I really miss our school librarian by the way, she often crosses my mind, and I guess we can call each other friends... lol! Anyway...

So I read a lot, and then in 6th grade we had to read this awesome novel called The Outsiders, by S. E. Hinton... and let me tell u I loved this novel beyond imagination... and I read it over and over and over (I still have a copy and read it till today) and then on my second time reading it, I decided to read that page about the author, the page we often choose to skip and I realized, Hinton had her first book published at 16... and there you go... that was my first motivation....

Being a reader, I had a wide imagination, and there were a lot of stuff I read that I had stored, stuff I read that I wished were written differently, stories I wanted to change their endings, and climaxes that I wanted to emphasize... So... I started writing...

Most of my 6th grade stuff were short and crap to be honest... but I didn't give up... I tried and tried again... and I started writing this story, which I honestly never found a title for until today... and then... in 9th grade, I had an amazing English teacher, which I still remember everyday and hope I can get any contact with her, and she made us write diary entries... which I first thought was really corny and then trust me by the middle of the school year Miss Mais was probably the person who knew my deepest and darkest secrets!

So... I gave her my story to read and she really encouraged me...

And ever since I wrote 2 short stories and a lot of poetry, a habit which I started in 12th grade... but I only write poems when I feel a certain way... more like depressed or confused... anyhow... I write poems...

And most recently, my good friend Salsa started her blog  and that gave me an idea.... so I started paying more attention to blogs, and came across really nice ones, like Single Dad Laughing, and I got even more motivated and inspired!

So these are basically what I've written so far 2 stories and poems...

Sometimes I write diary entries as well... but being the very un-trusting person I am, I tore every entry after writing it, so it wouldn’t fall into anyone’s hands… I have problems feeling exposed! lol!

Anyhow so this is how I started writing.... and this is where I am today :)

Letting Go...

I've always had a major problem letting go...

I strive everyday to learn to let go, to accept that there isn't much more I can do and that I need to move on...

Letting go of people particularly, accepting that things have changed and that people that were once important to you and part of your daily life are not there any more...

It drives me nuts....

And it takes me a while to stop calling and messaging and Facebooking... I keep telling myself things can get back to the way they were, but they never really do...

And it pisses people off... they wanna scream to my face it's over, get over it, accept it... and I hate it even more when I feel I care and they still insist on pushing me away... which hurts even more than the fact that things have changed... which makes me question if they ever cared in first place... and makes feel stupid that I care... sometimes I even hate myself!

And every time before I get in touch with them I know its getting me nowhere... and every time after I do I feel stupid for putting myself in an awkward position... and I definitely feel bad for myself for caring about people who obviously choose to let me go and are ok with it...

And I ask myself why do I still care... and I wish I would know the answer I wish I could find the correct explanation for myself... and I just never was able to... it is who I am and how I'm built up... and I work everyday on changing it...

And sometimes weeks or months pass by and I deceive myself every single day, telling myself I've moved on... and then once I have a free minute or something happens, I realize I'm exactly where I am and it makes me sad...

Sometimes it's important to let go... sometimes it's the best thing to do... sometimes you just need to give it a rest... when you know you've done all you could possibly do and that trying any harder will make things worst than better... when you feel there is nothing any more you should hold on to... when you realize you're basically holding on to nothing, maybe to something that wasn't even there... when you realize that the person you are fighting for let go of you a very long time ago... and when you realize that even if things get back to how they were, it would mean nothing any more 'cause it lost all its beauty!

So, I'm hoping this blog here helps me out... 'cause I like to write... so instead of getting in touch with whoever that person is and saying what ever I need to say... I'll come here and write it, get it out of my system... get it off my chest... until I one day I just really let go...

Forgiveness...

Well... forgiveness is a power and a skill that I personally think when you have it is a blessing...

I'm not claiming I'm talented at it... or that I always manage to forgive the people that hurt or upset me, but to a very large extent I am a forgiving person most of the time...

However, I gotta admit that lately there are some stuff that I just couldn't let go... some stuff that have just left a deeply rooted print in my feelings & memory that I couldn't manage to let go... and it's not because I can't forgive whoever that person is, but it’s because they don't try to ask for forgiveness... like they're asking you to accept it and live with it... which as a matter of fact sucks and hurts even more!

I'm not saying that I haven't been the one to hurt some people before... of course I've been there and done that and I probably did it a lot... both intentionally and unintentionally... but every single time I do and realize I did, I always go back and ask for forgiveness... true some people don't accept it... and that hurts a lot; to know that you've hurt someone you care about that way... but I know deep down inside they do appreciate the fact that I care to apologize and ask for it.... because that's how I feel when someone does; and in the end of the day we're all human!

I just think people should apologize and ask for forgiveness to show that they care... and I believe that if someone does apologize the other person should accept it, 'cause we all hurt people along the way in some way or the other... and we all need a second chance to make things better...