This Is Who I Am!

So let me give you a brief background on who I am if you don't know me. I'm a normal girl; born and raised in Saudi, in fact I lived there 18 years. And then after high school, in 2004, I went back to my home country Egypt for university and soon after my career. I've worked in Egypt a total of 4 years and then I landed a job that allowed me to travel to Dubai for a few months; and that's where I reside now!

BUT that's not the point behind my post!
Here is what really pisses me off; they're actually 2 things:

1. People not understanding that I do miss home while I'm in Dubai. I get that Dubai seems to be more appealing than Egypt at the current time; or even at any possible time; however I do miss home; in fact I love home. And it really annoys me that when I say that people assume I'm not happy here or that I'm crazy to say Egypt is better. You know what! YES! Egypt is sometimes better; at least to me. It's home; it's where my family and friends are and its where I feel secure! YES, I said secure, despite all what you're seeing and reading on the news! So fact is Dubai is a great place to live; I'm not comparing and contrasting... but I do miss home, all the time. And it's even more annoying when people sarcastically say: "oh so you miss the roits," "oh so you miss the MB being in rule," "oh so you miss the terrible traffic," "oh do you miss the polution..." the list can go on forever. Fact is I miss my country with all its good and bad. Call it beauty in the eye of the beholder; but it's my home and I love it and I MISS IT! Being homesick does not make less of Dubai, it just means I love my country a lot even if I'm surrounded with lavish luxury! Also remember that I am here temproraily; so the instability surrounding that makes me miss home even more!
2. Equally annoying; is people not understanding that I do LOVE my childhood in Saudi Arabia. I'm Christain girl and in almost everyone's opinoin this could be the worst combinatoin anyone has to live with in Saudi... but it's not. I probably had a brilliant childhood compared to people who lived anywhere else in the world. People won't get it unless they've been there, but there is something about Saudi that brings people together, closer! That's not just it... I've lived there 18 years! In fact... who I am today comes back to the time I spent in Saudi and how it forumulated my personality. It's my home too... and if people don't get that... at least they can respect it. Saudi is not all about a veil. Ya, you can't party... but there is alot more you can do and tons of memories to live by... and it's not fair that others just belittle it.

Anyways... thats all I wanted to say. I was really annoyed and I had to let it out. Egypt and Saudi are part of who I am. I love them both. I miss them both. And I really don't care if people decide I'm crazy for it.

Egypt... I Miss You!

So you know, no matter how much you complain when you're back home about how you'd love a new  experience and how much you need the change, like that would be the solution to all your problems. Let me tell you that is not always the case.

No matter how happy you are wherever you are and no matter how impressed you are by which ever city you land upon; even if it's supposedly one of the best in the world... you will still be homesick.

And regardless of the many problems and complexities that come along with the baggage of being home; you'd be surprised that when you're home with your family, the people you love and the streets you know best (despite their insanity) you are in your comfort zone. You don't have "major" issues to worry about it. Being away from home and alone makes you worry. Makes you fear things you never thought about and makes you realize what is really important for you.You don't realize how easy your life actually is when you are worry free. And yes, regardless of the never ending mess Egypt is going through, it is EASY!!!

It's home... you can't ask why or how or be surprised, but you just love it to the bones.
In the end there is no place like home.

I'm homesick. 
Being away from you sucks; and having to watch you on the news sucks even more.
I miss my family, my friends, my home, my room, my bed, my car, my old job, Egyptian people, our streets, our smiles, our music in the streets, our problems, our food, our traffic, our spirit, our humor... I miss my comfort zone!

I miss Egypt! I miss home!

Dubai: The Arab Land of Dreams!

So I've been in Dubai for a little over 10 days now and I'm still discovering what this city is all about, however there are a few things that I have started to figure out!

First of all let me say... Dubai is definitively a great city to live in, no question asked. Yet... you know when you have such high expectations in a place after all the stuff you hear and then you come here and you're like okay... I was expecting a lot more. It is a nice, clean, organized, good quality of life city but there is nothing really special about it. Its a typical city! - what we call in Arabic... "3ady!"

Maybe my lack of "impressiveness" comes back to the fact that i was born and raised in KSA, so things are pretty much similar all over the gulf if you give people their liberty! So it's nice but I wasn't heart stopping-ly amused. And if you tell me, "oh shopping here is crazy," we kinnda have all these shops in Egypt, and the prices aren't all that different!! - in my humble opinion :) 

Of course the construction here is beyond impressive, however it's all artificially and financially made! So ya, they have the tallest building in the world, the biggest fountain, the largest aquarium and probably a bunch of other Genius World Records...but there is nothing really natural about the place! And after a while it hurts the eye to see 40 skyscrapers, each in it's own design lined up next to one another without any synchronization as if competing for the weirdest design award! - again, I'm just saying!  

So, me being Egyptian and just moving here from home, let me tell you what I miss and don't miss about home!

What I miss about Egypt::

• Mama... obviously and every lastingly! Baba... all the time! Mondy... my awesome sis! And Monmon... for some reason, I miss him more since I got here! LOL - psychology is an insane game!
• My car... taxi's here are expensive and it's not a small city. It would cost a lot if you decide to cab your way through life! 
• Friends! This place needs lots of company so you can go out and have fun... I mean you're never going to go out at night alone.. it doesn't make lots of sense!
• Missing out on events :( - Like missing my best friend's first baby coming to the world; and what seems like missing Christmas and New Year with the family... and who knows what else will happen while I'm here!
• Knowing my way around! I have "zero" sense of direction and I used to get lost in Cairo, so you must imagine what it's like to be here. 
• Food... here the food is tasteless. I had the worst sushi and the worst burger in my life over here! And the rest is just.. bleh! Tasteless!
• "Ya Anesa," - I miss that word! Ever since I came here it's all about "Madame!" Tab I'm not a madame! Seriously!
• Mobinil - I miss you! The network here is annoying. It never works, the normal network stinks; and 3G stinks even more! And I hate all those rules against free calling apps on the phone, they're blocked! They kind of killed the idea behind iPhones! Seriously!! No wonder Blackbery's are a lot more common here!
• The cheapness of cabs - seriously I never realized how much that was a blessing!
• The Culture - I miss the place having a character... here it's all man made, financially enhanced buildings... the locals are almost none existent, and it's people from all walks of life... not every interactive with one another, so it's just a disconnected community.
• The sound of the Egyptian accent and the faces of Egyptian people. Ya, we have a lot of crap happening in our country and it's not the number one destination to live at, however if you think when you get out of there you won't miss it, you're crazy! You will enjoy life wherever you are, but you will miss it, a lot and you will smile every time you hear an Egyptian and you will get excited when someone asks about your country and you will be very proud to be Egyptian :)

What I don't miss about Egypt:

• Traffic and pollution - seriously here the streets are relaxing! I definitively don't miss cars beeping all the time.
• I don't miss the 127, 128 and the Shaheens - the cars here are the most beautiful thing to watch! Never knew it's pleasurable to watch cars! They sell Ferrari's and Harley's in malls:)  
• Public transport - you see it's a mixed feeling! I miss how things were cheap back home; however I rode a metro here, and man it was pleasant!! It was an un-stressful experience. And the prices are very reasonable!
• The freedom- here everyone is free to do and dress up the way they want. No one can really object; and everyone is respected. That could be the most outstanding thing about this place.
• The seriousness for work - people here really take their jobs seriously, and they work hard and a lot. During the week, its a busy bee cycle. Of course it's hectic but it's brilliant!
• The arrogance of sellers - here they're all so friendly. If they stop calling me Madame! LOL!
• Walking in the street carefree - if anyone knows me they would know I hate walking in the streets! I would take my car rather than walk for three minutes; not because I'm lazy but because it was sort of humiliating to walk in the streets of Egypt, with the trash, the terrible traffic and the hormone driven men! Here, I voluntarily walk in the street; where traffic rules are clear, I cross the road without the need to run, people are very respectful, there is a clean pavement for me to walk on and men are "trained" or obliged to co-exist with women without the need to harass them... it's brilliant! 

So that's all so far! I guess the key factor here is cleanliness, freedom, organization, huge buildings, the kick ass BIG malls and whatever crazy stuff they can do with their money, like building an aquarium with sharks in the middle of a mall; but other than that, nothing heart stopping. Lesser than than expected, at least for me. And for the record the airport is not all that crazy! It's just an airport, blown outta proportion! - you can call me picky! or over expecting! - I'll live with that!

So yeah... Dubai is the Arab Land of Dreams, or so I like to call it, its the center of the region, the place where everyone aspire to live for someday, even me! And despite all mentioned above, I'm enjoying it and enjoying the decent quality of life here... but I miss home too... and I always will!

I was just trying to draw a realistic picture for the sake of expectations adjustment!

It Is Near...

We often hear about these sad stories: like someone dying in a car crash, a young person having cancer, a person getting mugged, a fire happening in someone's home, someone loosing a parent, kid, husband, wife or a friend, living with a disability or the aftermath of a terrible accident  ... or for all that matters anything scary and dramatic of that sort.

And for some reason we assume that these things would never happen to us or even to people we know or are close to us... But when they start to happen to your family, cousins, friends or neighbors it hits you... that death or whatever harm out there is near!

And I don't mean to be dramatic, pessimistic or depressing... but it makes you think that may be you need to be more prepared, aware and alert that like everyone else it might happen to me or you. But I guess, yes... it is depressing and hard to deal with and accept.

So it is near, that is the fact. And I hope God gives people the strength to endure these experiences, I hope it stays away from me and my beloved ones and I really hope its stays far... at least for as long as possible!

- God Bless!

The Running Egyptian....

As I drive in my car, air conditioned... complaining about traffic and the increasing price of gas... and probably the annoying commercial breaks on the radio.. I look out the window.... and realize how naive and limited I could sometimes be....

And that is what I see... I see Egyptians running... just running to get by with their day. They spend all their time running, hoping they get through the day!

They wake up and the race begins... they run to buy bread... then run to get to work... then run to catch the bus which for the record is terrible, but its their only option. Let alone that they can run for miles and still miss the crappy bus... humiliating every bit of pride they ever owned!

They graduate and find no job; so they start selling tissue and other random products on the street. And they run like beggars to each car that passes by in hope of getting anything out of them... And maybe one day run into a friend or classmate and sink in embarrassment at how life got him to this stage...

I see little kids working instead of being in schools.... running after each customer for an extra tip...

Old people and handicapped people sitting on street sides hoping someone would give them 50 piasters or something to eat because they didn't find a system that would give them the respect and support they need!

I see people going through trash in hopes they would find something to eat... I see perfectly "once good" youth stealing and then running away like thieves.... I see them break the law and run away in order not to get caught! And as much as I like to call them corrupt... I give them the excuse... because the same guy who steals, is the same guy who would defend the girl in the street if someone was to hurt or harass her...

Sometimes I even see them give up... run away to other countries, or at least try, pay every penny they and their families own and then they either sink in the ocean or die out of grieve... and if they're lucky and they get back "home" they find themselves in places worst than where they left... 

I see all these examples, and as much as get annoyed by them on the spot... I look at them and although I try to say that they're lazy, intolerable people... At first sight I say if they can run around the street all day they can find themselves a job! I criticize them... and then I realize that if they do get a job; they'd get 200 pounds... get 3 jobs; they'd get 600 pounds! But who could live with that for a month given the crazy prices and the on the rise inflation!

So I look at them again and I sympathize with them... Sad, that these once good people have probably turned into criminals, willing-lessly! I try to say they had a choice... but I know I'm kidding myself!

And I try to help... but what would some money do... help them for a day... make them smile today... I try to help further... I try to be more supportive, try to bring about change! But I believe this system is what needs to change!

If I'm depressed and tired of watching them run... how must they feel! Hopeless maybe. I'm sure they'd like to stop running for a while... catch their breath... take a break! At least for a while... so they gain the strength to run again... until maybe one day the stop running, and hopefully that won't mean they're dead... but rather living with dignity! The way "humans" should...

This post was inspired by seeing an Egyptian man run an entire street in hopes of catching the bus and he didn't... and a movie I just saw (Sa3a wa Nos)...

What Tomorrow Holds...

We all wonder what the future holds for us... it's only natural! However, when you really think about it, you realize that we live a huge challenge everyday. We wake up and go on with our lives not knowing what tomorrow holds for us. Not just that! We don't know how the next minute could change our lives. What might happen; who might run into; or even simply what we might say and how much it could change our lives.

I think it takes a lot out of us to trust life and to give in to the fact that we make plans, or what we think are plans and go on from day to day. Although in a spur of a second... something, outta the blue, can come up and change all you thought you knew or all you expected out of life!

And don't get me wrong... the fear of tomorrow because of the uncertainty it carries may not necessarily mean that we're up for drama and or a terrible, sad twist in our lives. It should be something good, and exciting.

But the point is, we go to sleep everyday knowing that tomorrow carries for us the unexpected, with its good and bad, is a challenge. A big one! The fact that we get into our cars and drive, not knowing if we'll end up where we intended to... is freaky. The idea, that you might run into a stranger and he could be your soul mate is difficult to grasp.

We take the fact that there is a tomorrow lightly... very lightly in fact. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I'm trying to say that what we have is today... and that is what should count... making the best out of every minute it of it... in hopes that the actions, thoughts and words we say today will help us have a better tomorrow. But in the end of the day the only truth that lies ahead of us, the only thing we're certain of in the midst of this uncertainty .. is that we really don't know what tomorrow holds. 

LOVE.... Is Everywhere!

Once we hear the word "love," we mostly probably get mushy, gushy feelings. We envision flowers and hear humming. We're tempted to say "awwww!" We see a couple hand in hand at the beach...

And despite the fact that this scenery is mind blowing-ly nice and a dream come true to most of us, I got to say that it is degrading to "love."

Love is a lot more than a guy a girl... love is not just romance, love songs and roses. We've become manipulated by the books we read and the movies we see that feed into our brains that if you don't have a significant other you are not loved.

I often fall into this trap.

However, gladly, I've recently learned that there is a lot more to love... I've opened my eyes and heart to feel love... love that we are granted by so many people yet we chose to look at the half empty glass of water because no boy is down on one knee claiming his love to you.

Feeling the love and appreciation of people around you is a blessing. A blessing you don't realize, one that you take for granted until it really shines under your eyes... Love that is strong enough to replace the void you thought you had in your heart. Love is best when you realize you are loved... when you realize that the people you live with and see everyday care... that they value and appreciate you. That although they don't bring you roses everyday, deep within you mean something to them. It is best when it comes when you least expect it, from those we think they can't show affection.

Love is the little gestures that people around you make to show affection. Going to church just to pray for you! Calling you to wish you luck on a important day for you! Buying you breakfast! Making time for you! Smiling at you! Popping their head everyday in the morning to say good morning! Calling you just to say hello! Giving you a random hug! Teaching you something! Investing in you! Making sure you know that you will be missed! Writing you a note! Tagging you in a childhood picture! Letting you know you're important!

Love isn't just about the prince or princess you're waiting for. It's not about a romantic movie, a love letter or a late night romantic SMS.  Love is a lot more bigger than that... a lot more stronger... a lot more respectable. Love is in eye of each one who cares about you. Everyone who appreciates you. Everyone who is willing to make time for you. Everyone praying for you. Everyone wishing you well. It your parents, your siblings, your kids, your neighbours, your friends, your colleagues, your clients, the seller at your everyday supermarket and coffee place you go to...

Love is everywhere...
We are all loved some way.... we just need to open our eyes and heart to see it!

Love you all :)

The Choice...

We often complain about how our life lacks choices. We always say that "if we had a choice" a lot of things would be different... We assume that it would be easy to make the right choices and that the process of choosing is easy because you'd simply always know what to do.

But let me tell you...
This is BULLSHIT!!!

One of the hardest things I've ever come across is having the "luxury" to choose! Surprising as it may sound but it is not very easy to choose. Things aren't always easy and clear... And the process of going back and forth with the possible outcome and impacts of each choice you could make.

The fact that your choice is something you have to live with, at least for sometime, and that you have to live with it's consequences, good or bad, knowing that if something goes wrong you have no one to blame but yourself because it was your choice and no one else. And that is the worst part of things... that "it is your choice," and for some reason, it would be better if we can blame things on someone else... however when you "chose" you kindda gotta carry your own weight!

And especially when you are someone like me who doesn't have the ability to chose between two things, I realized that having the ability to chose a luxury I'm not really glad I have.... SO my best shot is to pick one direction... go with it... make peace with it... promise myself to make the best out of it it and enjoy it... and hope I don't regret later... And then may be... just may be... this "choice" turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to me...

I Don't Care

I often feel bad about myself for caring too much. I feel that people perceive this care as a sign of weakness. And that in front of a selfish and mean person my care would portray me as stupid. It may also seem like I am naive when I care about someone who has hurt me once or twice before.

Hence, people assume that because I care, sometimes too much I admit, it would be okay to use and sometime abuse me. Since I am a bit selflessness then I'm the punch bag. That it's okay to mess up; I'd always be forgiving anyways.

Well, that obviously doesnt make me too happy. It makes me feel bad about and for myself. The result is I convince myself that I need to urgently change. I tell myself that I cannot allow others to think that it's okay to  use me.

However, that being said... I figured... If my character downfall is "care" I can live with it. I'd rather be a caring person rather than being known for "hurting people".

So, yes I do care! The only thing I don't care about is what people think of me because of it!

~ Sigh!

Craving Cheesecake!

So I figured... everything in life that you really wish for... you probably crave for at some point in time. For me, its cheesecake... I don't know what is it about cheesecake that makes it come to me in a severe rush every now and then... It's like this urge that comes to you... "I want cheesecake here and now," and there is one of two things; I either eat it or not. And when I don't again there are two scenarios... I either keep craving it for a while until I eventually get some cheesecake or I simply grow out of it and don't want it anymore...

So... am I really talking about cheesecake?
Nopes; it's quite metaphorical to anything we could possibly crave for...

Take for instance a guy you're craving for...
At first you're going nuts hoping you get him...
And then you don't...
And then you stay for a long time craving, hoping he ends up with you...
And after a while you start to resent him... not want him anymore!
May be you get the urges again every now and then, but eventually they disappear... or stop meaning much...

And who knows... maybe later, he comes to you... on a plate, on his own...
You still like him, after all you never really hate cheesecake, some of it is never bad...
But that insane, crazy feeling that you "crave for him" isn't there...
Is it sitting there on the plate and you're looking at it with deep "craving eyes?"
Not really... you're probably looking at it saying, "where were you when I wanted it?"
You're happy he came but it's not giving you the same satisfaction that you were looking for...
It lost this effect on you, the one that makes your eyes glitter... taste its beauty before taking a bite...
He's no longer this soft cheesecake with dripping, shinny sauce and freshly rounded berries...
He's just cake; tastes good but not heart dropping, delicious...

SO...
Don't settle for just cake...  in almost anything!
Don't settle for just a normal dessert, for just a guy, for just a job or for just a dress...
Settle for what you crave for in its most intense moment...
Never settle for less than cheesecake... one that makes your eyes and heart sizzle... one that is mouth watering; a piece that you'd enjoy every single bit of; you wish it never ends... and you can't wait for more. The kind of cheesecake that excites you with every bite as if it's the first one.

Eventually... you'll find the perfect piece of cheesecake...
One that you almost always crave...
One that always gives you this insane sense of satisfaction...

Lost Beauty...

We often come across people, experiences or situations that overwhelmingly are beautiful...

You are simply overwhelmed....
So you want the whole of it... you don't want bits and pieces of it... you want the entire scene...
You convince yourself that you'll find happiness right here, just this way... that there is nothing else in the world that you could possibly wish for...

You look at them... or experience them... and all you can think of is: this is how I want to spend the rest of my life... this is the person I want to wake up to every morning... I wish this would last forever... this moment should never end....

Its like you're in paradise... you're sleeping in the sun, on soft sand, water hitting your toes, smooth breeze making your hair twirl, listening to your favorite music, having the best drink, relaxing quitely, feeling free and happy, nothing is worrying you, enjoying every moment, helplessly smiling...

Who wouldn't want that to last forever...



And for once... this dream seems like reality... you can see it right in front of your eyes, experience it, touch it physically and emotionally... you're living it... all you're doing is hoping it lasts... and even that doesn't seem impossible... Every possible sign is saying you can have it, that it is yours...

AND THEN...
For some reason or the other, it just starts to change and fade away...
And naturally, you start to fight for it to stay...

And you get to a point where you no longer know whether you're living this once very beautiful experience you once had... because having it in bits and pieces its not like having the entire thing... the "breath taking" effect of utopia is no longer there....

And you sometimes convince yourself that having bits and pieces is better than having nothing!
And other times you tell yourself you should have all or nothing!
Then you go back to telling yourself that maybe the bits and pieces one day grow back to the beautiful place you once knew...
BUT deep down you know you deserve utopia... you don't deserve to wait in "hope for utopia..."

Until eventually you start forgetting the original beauty you once fell for...
The bits and pieces stop meaning the same... Their excitement decreases...They start making the once perfect picture, uglier every time... They start loosing meaning... They seem like essentials... not those sparkly things that once made you shiver with excitement and happiness...
That scene that you could almost always stare at with amusement... gives you a knot in your throat just by remembering it...

You still want the WHOLE thing...
BUT deep down you ask yourself if you'd still want it even if it comes knocking at your door...

POINT IS all this going back and forth, those pointless bits and pieces make this person, experience or scene just lose all its beauty...

And that is just...
Well...
A shame!

A beauty like this should have never been wasted!

~ Sigh!

I Need A Face!

So this post wont make any sense...
Not even to me...

But I've been having this certain "problem" in my life, a problem I cannot really explain in words that makes sense either, but this problem...  despite it being so prominent in my life, so vivid, and pretty impact-ful on my life... yet I cannot still clearly define it.

It's like you know a person really well yet you don't really know how they look; or remember their resemblance.

So if it makes any sense at all, I need a "face" to my problem...

Something that makes it more real, more understand-able... Cause leaving it completely up to my imagination is wrong. Imagination may make things seem better than they actually are; or worst than what they truly are!

I know I'm not making sense...
May be I cannot articulate this whole thing...

I dono...

But I deserve a truly defined thing. A face! Something I can remember; recall...
Things need to stop being so vague and unclear...
Clarity may help me decide how to handle things! Fight for them? Or let them go?
Something that would make everything make better sense...
Help me better evaluate...
Or Understand...

#Sigh....

I just need a face God Damn It!

Are We Really Stupid?

I often wonder if we're really stupid...

OR if the things we hope for and want are what make us stupid...

Take love for example... love is crazy, blind and insane, I guess we can all agree to that... However, we're often certain, deep down, on a mental level, that this particular relationship will never work... So this must mean we're not stupid, because when we "think about it" we know it won't work... we're definite... it's a crystal clear fact right there in front of us...

When we get into this mental state we start making CLEAR self promises... we won't approach the person again, we'll leave things to come to and end, we'll let go, we'll say NO, we'll keep a distance, we won't fool our self and go back to being "friends," we'll avoid them, we'll stop ourselves from wishing them on birthdays and Christmas, we won't wonder what they think... AND SO ON...

But again that's our MIND acting...

And surprisingly we stick to it, and THEN one day or the other you're triggered, by a birthday, a song, a movie or any random memory... and UNFORTUNATELY... your emotions mess up you brain... they start moving in with a million random excuse and what if scenarios... what if they want to call but think we're uninterested, but we were great friends, but we were amazing together, we communicated so well, I know we'll eventually go back to speaking, I know we'll anyway end up together...

And BOOM, your stupidity rolls in at FULL speed... and you do something stupid... like give them a call... and we both know how this would end: regret and hurt AGAIN!  

You find that your stupid weakness... or hope of being with someone, your inability to move on, or your illusion that this person is your perfect match is what MADE you STUPID... Although in a normal state of MIND you know what you're doing is wrong... pointless and stupid... you know the facts!

SO NO, we're not stupid... we go through emotional phases that make us STUPID!

I used the so called relationship example.... well 'cause I'm a girl and it's the one I can relate to most! BUT apply this to everything...

Who of us doesn't know that drugs, speeding, drinking, hurting someone, lying, smuggling, bullying or any STUPID thing we do is actually STUPID.... Deep down we all know that!

So... Am I the pro on fighting stupidity? Actually no, I'm a pro at being stupid... but recently I've learned that all it takes is a pinch of self control. KEEP fighting the feeling, the emotional rush, the weakness... until it goes away. Keep pushing it away for an hour, a day, or a week... and it'll go away.

Push away the phone, switch it off, take  nap, go for walk, spend an hour at the gym, take a shower, watch a movie... keep pushing away the "weakness," tell yourself I'll get to it after the nap, after the shower... keep postponing the "stupid action," and you'll be surprised how much it would go away...

Hence, comes in my favorite line of lyrics: "It's just a moment, this time will pass..."

And you will be better...
Until the next one comes....
And you fight it again...
Then these feelings come at wider intervals...
And they come at weaker intensities...
Until they eventually fade out...

We're not stupid... we just need to better deal with stupid feelings!

More to Life...

Lately all I do is think and evaluate...

I won't complain my life isn't dramatic or heartbreaking... I've done well on some fronts.... I understand some people have bigger, more disturbing issues and problems when compared to me... YET... when I look at my life, flashback and think... all that comes to mind is: WHAT THE HELL!? There has got to be MORE to life than THIS!

I think I've gone along in life too serious, too boring... too safe!

When I look at my life at 26 I'm sure there is a lot more to life than family, getting educated, working like a freak, more education, more work, shopping, going to the movies, the internet, soap operas, and sitting in a restaurant with friends...

All these are "good" stuff... but they're basics... pure basics... the normal boring stuff! The stuff you do and say: BLEH! And unfortunately my life is full of those!

But I don't have these insane, outgoing, crazy, adventurous, once in life time experience that I look back to and tell myself: I've lived my life to the fullest...

Unfortunately to me... I haven't lived my life to the fullest... probably not even a quarter full!

And yes... some stuff (that I prefer not getting into) have contributed to the "Bleh Lifestyle" that I have been destined to BUT for once I gotta say I take a huge part of the blame for that... they say: you're in charge of your own life... And I've probably been unsatisfied with my life for at least the last 6 years and I don't think it change a bit...

All I know is there has got to be more to life than THIS! And there has to be something I can do about it than hope that it changes! Although I wish it DOES change on its own.

There is MORE to Life.
More, that I'd like to one day see.
Some day... I GOT to look back and tell myself: WOW! I've lived life to the FULLEST!

The Unwritten Social Rules...

Well there are some stuff we consider obvious... and I don't know why or who wrote it... but when you actually think about it, they don't necessarily make sense...

Here are some of them...

Your friends' ex-es are off limits... c'mon you should be over them... what if that exis your so called "the one?" What if that friend has 10 different ex-es, we just rule out opportunities...

The first one to speak after a fight is the weaker one... why can't we say he/she is the stronger one to over come his/her stupidity...

The one who says I love you first is the one to get hurt... well more or less, I gotta say this is kindda true...

That you can't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend in the beginning of a relationship that we need to excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom... especially if you're a girl you know its true... but c'mon we're all humans, going to the bathroom is only natural...

That if you ever come to admitting that you actually need the bathroom, you almost always just have to "pee"... well, I do agree it's kinda of a turn OFF to visualize your partner shitting (no offense) but it's also unnatural to imagine him/her not doing so... and again it's only natural....

Almost always, our first real relationship is a scam... Your first date doesn't go as planned, your first kiss doesn't go as planned... you almost always look back with regret! Why can't it be special... Why can't it be a movie...

Now AWAY from relationships...

Why do we think if we eat something fattening when no one can see us the calories don't count... like if no one saw us then it doesn't count! They do... and most probably you eat more once you feel you got the opportunity of being alone, so they count even more...

Once we say we're on a diet... we get hungrier and we crave things we never really ate, I hate spinach, when I diet I miss it... sad!

We only diet when we have a strong motive... other than that... we start we fail we start we fail we start we fail we start we fail...

The beginning of every week is the beginning of a new diet... then you realize you've been fake dieting for months and you haven't lost anything actually! I know... the "ugly truth!"

If you're chubby, fat or overweight... however your partner thinks you're beautiful... you right away stop thinking about dieting... why do we always want to look good for someone, why can't we look good for ourselves?

Why do we always have to lie about our weight even when we're fit and healthy... We always gotta pull back a few pounds!

AWAY from food....

We all talk to strangers... why can't we admit we sometimes its fun chatting with the unknown... why can't we admit that we often enjoy it more than talking to people we know...

How come shopping can sometimes make up for your worst day ever...

Home come we sometimes have the intention of "telling" our friends a certain detail about our lives yet once they ask us about it we feel reluctant to share the info...

Why is that after a certain age hearing that someone hooked up, got engaged, or got married makes us get a little fidgety... and we all feel the same way... admit it embrace it...

How come we never realize that the good moments were good moments until they're over... why can't we just learn to enjoy every moment for what it's worth...

You think if you insult someone in your head it doesn't count... well it does... you still have insulted him/her... and how come if someone tells you that he/she insulted you in their own head you get offended... hello, herd of karma?

WELL, the list can go on...
There are so many unwritten rules in life... things we just enforce and impose on our lives for no clear or avid reasons... But we take part in them naturally and thoughtlessly... Yet they're just stuff that we've created mentally and emotionally... And I personally don't know where or when they ever originated...

The Heart...

So I'm just wondering these completely random thoughts about the human heart... and I'm actually talking about the real organ...

I don't know but we sometimes get these completely random and weird thoughts and I don't know if I'm the only one who gives these issues thoughts; but I guess we'll see... so here is how it goes...

Do you ever wonder if the actual heart organ is what makes us fall in and out of love... or is that metaphorical?

If the heart is in charge of all the mixed emotions, do you wonder what if we do a surgery? Would we be able to make someone fall for love with us? Or stop ourselves from loving someone?

If you get a transplant do you stop loving the people you already love? If someone else got your heart do they love the people you loved? If you get a new heart do you end up loving the people from whom this heart belonged?

If you get a brainwash or memory loss would you still be in love with the same people? If you don't would that mean your brain has a role in who we love?

Well... just wondering...

Blank...

We often get those days when we're BLANK. Completely! Nothing particularly is going wrong; but nothing is exactly going well either... so you loose interest... and become indifferent. Everything seems meaningless and pointless! Every battle is a lost battle! Actually, you stop fighting anyways! I know I'm in this phase when I have nothing to write... and I haven't had anything to write for weeks. So unlike me. These days I'm just BLANK, with whatever meanings this word contains. 

What Do We, Egyptians, Want?

Okay, my opinion will piss off a lot of people... And I will be dissed and regarded as un-revolutionary... but in the so called "democratic" world we're pretending to live in, I'm entitled to express my opinion, regardless of what others WILL or may think...

So,  personally, I don't see anything positive or promising since Jan. 25th, 2011... I keep trying to spot something positive in what has happened and I don't! And this revolution has unfortunately lost my support! And I don't know if I will be to support it again. I honestly have no reason to think positive! 

What have we achieved since then... it's basically nothing? So what we have made a regime step down... what has happened since then... nothing. Are we moving forward, please take a moment to be honest with yourself and answer this question!

What have we gained?

Dying youth...

Moving from one temporary regime to another...

Insecurity...

Random attacks...

Screwed up tourism...

Weak economy...

Lack of productivity...

Massive losses in the stock markets...

Random chaos...
Religious tension...
More unemployment...
Lower wages... 

Yes, what happened, we would have not imagined in a million years... it was a step, people planned and people achieved... but since then... what has happened?! I know... people will tell me I'm not being patient... that its yet too early for us to move forward... but we are moving backward and will continue moving backward... ASK ME WHY? Because we have no clue what the hell we want!!

We praise Shafeek, we damn Shafeek, we ask for Sharaf, we ask him to leave... we celebrate with the army  and how we are one united hand and now we want them to leave DESPERATELY... we want democratic elections and then we cry over their results....

What the hell do we want!?

Why can't we give whoever is in charge a chance to do something?

And now... you want the military to leave?! What next... who will be in charge? Who do you recommend? Because at the rate that we're going we will never be happy with anyone... everyone who comes will be asked to leave in a month or two... And when we finally elect a president? In June or even tomorrow... what makes you think we will accept him or give him a chance to fix things! What makes you think we won't cry over who won the same way we cry over everything! And start this mess all over again! 

Is this sane?

Do you see this as a plan?

How will attacking the Ministry of Interior help with anything? What are we trying to prove? Will it bring back the people who died? Will it help the truth to emerge! Or are we just ruining more buildings that could mean something for the us as Egyptians in the future. Where is the patriotism when we decide to ruin our country! C'mon people! Please! Some logic!

I'm not saying go home! I'm saying at least go back to Tahrir!
Stand peacefully!
Stop the violence....
People are dying!
Am I the only one seeing this! -uff!
Please! 

And now, how is civil disobedience going to solve anything!?

Are we screwing the army or ourselves! 

Do you realize civil disobedience means more lack of productivity and more screwed up economy? More massive stock loss? Do you know that it means that you won't get paid because your manager is a guy who gets paid as well and this is screwing him!  Do you know that you won't find food for your children because factories will STOP production! The country will freeze due to the stoppage of public transport! Every single resource will be a scarce resource! I'm sorry, but this is bullshit! To me at least! 

At the rate we're going, I don't see any hope for stability... And i'm not impatient... I'm speaking about a general attitude... We have no idea what we want!? I'm not exempting myself! No one knows what we want... and as a country this is the worst thing ever!

Where is the plan!? Our wants and requirements are growing! We wanted to put down a regime... and it's down... we keep making up stuff along the way. We keep shifting opinions. We are leaderless... and I doubt we'd agree on any specific route to take... we are in a  political MESS! 

We can't keep changing our plans hoping this one "inshalla" works out!
It won't!

I'm not anti-revolutionary! I was happy when it happened... when I thought we had a plan... when we I thought we knew where we were going... When like most people I was optimistic and had reasons to be hopeful... but now... seriously enough! 

73 people died watching a match for God's sake!

What more are we waiting for! 

We're the only losers in this game! 

And for what!?! 

And where else are we going! When does this end! And is it worth it?

Enough chaos for the sake of the people!

We're not gaining anything except young people dying! 

Every person dead is a family ruined! A family who at the end of the day is left with nothing but pain. Because their loved ones... died for nothing in return.

Please ENOUGH... 

Let's stop... breath... be patient...

And wait for change to happen... in it's normal path...

What will a few months change...

Slow down the chaos... 

Enough demonstrations...

Give us a chance to pick up our pace... 

Develop! Move froward....

Give those people who have promised change a chance to really enforce change!
Allow the people who have died... to have died for a cause!
Give this a cause a room to happen, to be achieved. 

I know, no one will like this.

But in the "democratic" world we currently live in...

I think I'm entitled to say my honest opinion...

And you as a person who asked for democracy... 

You're entitled to accept what I said.

I'm not passive...

I'm not ignorant...
Please all I'm asking is a chance for stability!
I'm begging you! 

I too love my country!
I'm saying this because I love Egypt!
Because I feel bad for what's happening to Egyptians!
Because I want to see Egypt better!

Again... I'm begging you!

A Walk Down Memory Lane...

I'm sure we all get these self evaluation moments... where for no good reason all the memories and experiences flash like a movie right in front of you... And most probably... they're the things you miss, the experiences that didn't end too well... the things you expected for them to be with you today, but they're not...

So last few days I have been on memory lane, and it kind of depresses you a little... in the beginning it seems like there are certain things and people that you have expected for them to be with and they're not... but with deeper thought, you realize that maybe these experiences were not really meant to happen...

I've taken the time to look at my previous memories... and I can confidently say that may be I'm not excited or happy about the way things ended... but sooner or later they were going to end. May be the end could have been tweaked a bit, slightly modified, extended a little longer but in a million years they would have not been a success. There were too many odds that would have stopped them from happening... So when you come to think about them, maybe the sooner they ended the better...

Of course there are things I wish I had done differently or not done at all... but the truth is... sooner or later it wasn't going to happen. They were stories meant to end before completion. Before I fought too hard to make them happen, but now I can say it to myself, that they were never going to see light!

And of course now that I'm calmer and more chilled I wonder why did they happen in first place. However, I gotta say that it's called experience for a reason. To learn! True, now I don't see why I was upset or why I wished they would work... but I learned!

And I think the main lesson learned is to know, admit and acknowledge when a battle is lost, when it is okay to let go... When it is not called giving up but rather accepting the facts of life. The things that seemed impossible and hard to accept in life, also unbearable are now memories that are years, months or weeks back... And we are still here... Alive and kicking! And still going on!

What If?

I woke up on my usual Friday morning, determined to spend it watching my so called Grey's Anatomy new episode. And it always amazing when you watch something and it triggers something deep with in! You relate it to it... and you often feel like it answered something that you've always searched for an answer for.

Now I know... it sounds like I'm a medical drama sound philosophical! I'm not!

Basically this episode, episode 8x13 called "If, Then," (whether you're a fan of Grey's Anatomy or not) is about the what/if scenarios we create in our minds. If these things were to happen, how would our lives turned out? What if I had a different family? Fell in love with another guy? Had a different best friend? Or simply had a different life?

So this episode basically shows you how these characters' lives would've been IF thing were different!

And like anyone else in the world, we got into these  story-lines, assuming things can be different or will be different... BUT in the end of the day your DESTINY always kicks in. Regardless how different the story-line is... things will end up as planned for you.

In my personal life, I'm a pro at creating What/If scenarios... I almost always wonder what if I acted differently? Said something differently? Been more patient? Been less caring? Kept my thoughts for my self?Had better temper? Was less emotional? Was more outgoing? Had a different lifestyle?  Lived elsewhere? And the list goes on....

But apparently... what's meant to happen always happens.... the ending is the same. No matter how much we try to change it around.... Regardless of the what/if situations we create your  destiny in the end will prevail.... if something was meant to end well it will and if something was meant to go wrong it would.... If you're meant to end up with some one, you will and if someone is meant to hurt you, he/she will. If you were destined to get the job, you will and if you were destined to be fun and charming you will.

So may be rather than creating these live time illusions that we immerse ourselves in we make the best of the lives we have... because what/ifs almost never happens unless it was determined to happen anyways!

A Perfectly Wasted First Experience...

There are certain experiences we go through in life that we create certain dreams for... We create this vision for them and we imagine how they would happen...

And I'm not quite sure reality turns out to be as is....

These experiences could be...

Your first day of university classes...

The first car you drive... 

Your first date...

Your first relationship...

Your first job...

Your first pay roll...

And actually we put in great effort imaging how this thing would be and go about... 

But usually this experience comes and goes... 

And you'd hate it!

And you keep wishing you have done it differently....
Waited longer...
Been wiser....
Saved it for the best... 

You feel that your special first experience has gone completely in waste...

And it's annoying...

And frustrating...

And disappointing...

And you don't know if you're upset the experience didn't go well...
Or if your vision of that "first time experience" didn't go as you planned....
Or if you are are to blame for it being a flop...

But point is this first experience is GONE and NOT COMING BACK...
We are entitled to some crying over it...
But no crying would actually undo it and give you a second chance at changing the facts...

But then you wipe your tears...
Get up...
Tell yourself more and better experiences are yet to come...
You pray for forgetfulness...
And the ability to let go...
And the ability to move on...

And eventually we do...
We might not forget...
But we learn to live with the facts of this experience...
Try to learn from it...
Avoid it...
And hope the second on is better...
Maybe the third...

BUT in the end of the day...
Maybe we shouldn't worry about the first experience...
But rather one that would last because this is the one we live with... 

The Ugly Truth...

The truth as a matter of fact is always ugly...

Some stuff walk into our lives... confidently and fiercely... we try to resist them...
Then they assure us that they are realities...
And insist....
And they forcefully impose themselves into our lives...
Until we actually get used to them being there...
And we start accepting them as part of our lives...
We start to take what they say for granted...
And believe it...
And create stories in our heads about them...
We adjust ourselves that they've become part of our life..
Even for a while...
But we assume it'll last...
Because they told us so...
We get into a mind set that they're here to stay...
That maybe an imaginary story we had...
May turn into reality...

BUT then...
Once we do get attached...
The withdrawal starts...

We realize that perhaps we took what they said for granted...
May be a little too far...
And it confuses you...
When you realize that perhaps you have built sand castles...

The truth comes to you as a strong slap on the face...
Because all you've heard was not necessarily from the heart...

And you beat yourself up for fall for it...

And then you click REWIND....
And then REPLAY....
And most probably you realize that your resistance that came earlier had a reason for it...
That there were too many signs that you shouldn't have ignored...
That may be you're the one to blame for the situation you're in...
And you question how did you end up there?!?
AGAIN?!?

Perhaps the void you've had needed to be filled...
So you turn to the quick fix...
Regardless the fact that you know it wouldn't end well....

So you end up with nothing but...
Guilt...
Regret...
Humiliation...
Depression...
Sadness...
Stupidity....
Self-Blame...
Stress...
Insanity...

And a truth so ugly...
That  you're destined to carry on your own...
Add to the list of thoughts you want to forget...
Experiences you could have avoided living...
Unneeded self humility...

And all you have left is nothing but...
More rewinding and replaying...
Hoping you find an explanation...
Or figuring out how you ended up there...
Blaming yourself and only yourself...
Looking for a way out...
Or a way back...

BUT...
The truth remains the truth...
And it's UGLY!

Back On Track!

So it's not new years and its not time for resolutions...

But as I said i said the following in my previous post, "New Year... Evolution or Illusion?:" 

"Change does happen, but it doesn't need a clock or a date or to dim out the lights and turn them on to a new you... change is timeless; can happen anywhere, anytime, anyhow...

Change happens when you intend for it to happen...

Change that is time bound is an illusion...

Change that you create is a true evolution...

You decide your own New Year... your New Year, your real evolution, begins when you take a good look at yourself and you realize: now is the time to change!"

So today... right now, I decided that this is my "new year" here are my resolutions:

1. Be more religious! Seriously, I need to get closer to God.
2. Pray more, daily.... once at least!
3. Pray at all time... not just when I need something!
4. Go to church regularly! Once a week, once every to weeks MAX!
5. Find a good service to do.
6. Go back to dieting, FIERCELY!
7. Move on, realistically!
8. Avoid denial and quick fixes! 
9. Forget the people who've chosen to forget me.
10. Focus on the people care and the ones who'll stick with me! 
11. Learn to let go (HOPEFULLY)!
12. Learn to shut up (PLEASE GOD)!
13. Learn  to say NO! 
14. Don't make exceptions for anyone, at any cost! No one is worth it.
15. Do good in the world.
16. Make a difference.
17. Let go of the stupid things that prevent me from being awesome.
18. Be more confident, I actually ROCK! 
19. STOP making stupid mistakes! 
20. STOP caring too much! 
21. Have fun!
22. Be cheerful again!
23. ABANDON the virtual world, except for blogging! 
24. Write.. write and write!
25. Make my blog well known! 
26. Find a passion!
27. Find a place to dump in all my negative energy! 
28. Teach!
29. Be happy and screw the world and people, it's a good change! 
30. Drive more, listening to music and singing along! It cures my soul! 
31. Take more long, boiling hot showers! 
32. Travel more!
33. Dance more, break routine and act stupid (Perfectly healthy)! 
34. Learn the value of myself (MOST IMPORTANTLY)! 

I'll be back on track! 
I will!
I must be back on track! 
It's my only way out!

Look What You Made Me Do!?

We often go through terrible experiences in our lives that put it in difficult, stressful and hectic emotional situations... situations that create heavy emotional burdens on us... and we try our best to find a way out of them. As a result, we turn to the nearest exit... the soonest way out in order to feel OKAY. Or perhaps tell ourselves that we're okay... even if it is just an illusion. And usually it is.

Anything to make you feel good again. Even if its temporary. And usually we do know that is bound to end. We think the distraction will do us good. But when this distraction is gone... we AGAIN get hurt. We think we won't but we do... so instead of feeling better, healing and moving on. We create more emotional scares for ourselves.

We don't find "new" reasons to feel happy! But we rather find "new" reasons to be hurt!

Most of the time... we often wake up from the exit when we find ourselves at another dead end.
This quick fix actually brings more trouble.
Because you fool yourself, you go through deep denial and therefore you take the very wrong decisions and you fall into bigger traps.
In stead of working on forgetting things that you want out of your system and moving on... you actually create more things to regret... you create more burdens and more mistakes...
You look around and you realize that the whole world has moved on and you're still right where you were... maybe even moving backwards.

When does a person learn... when do we actually move on. When do we actually stop fooling ourselves. When do we really move on free of denial... like get cured of this emotional shit we put ourselves through.

I do blame myself for moving from one trap to another. From one stupid mistake to an even bigger mistake. From one thing to regret to another crappy thing to regret!
But I also blame you.
I'm not mad at myself or others as much as I'm mad at you.
Seriously... in order to move on I took the wrong routes.
Really!
Look what you made me do!?

Perfect Picture....

I've always loved pictures... truly madly deeply! I could take pictures everywhere and at all times... it's an addiction that most likely annoys everyone around me! But I love it and always will do... and the emotional reward they give you when you're looking at them on a bad day... is simply priceless!

When I was a child... my wall was completely covered with pictures... every memory documented for me to flash back at when I want.... However, a few days back I looked at my room and I realized I have no pictures around anymore and it frustrated me... so I did a little picture project (since I'm no longer allowed to STICK things on my wall, lol).... 

And here is the outcome:

My super amazing family in my "Love Frame": L (love you) dad, O (only you) Mom, V (love you forever) Mondyyy and E for my amazing little brother (endless love to you) Mon! Perfect frame choice for the perfect family anyone can ever every wish for! You make my life awesome by all means!

A collage of pictures for my and my friends; from the top: Nahla  (we've previously agreed that we perfectly utilize each other as emotional dumpsters), Karim Nabil (miss u keteeer wallahi); Viva, Samy, Mariam and Monday in Vivoz wedding; the Taba girls Trip that was tons of fun, my gorgeous manager and FRIEND Noody (muah), Self (whom I adore), Viva again (please live in the same country ba2a), Attia & Nagiub my amazing friends and brothers (plz come back Attia), Hurgada trip the Tiab's and Mekhail's (the 4 sisters); Serin in Egypt with my lovely Youzz (amazing reunion), my amazing FP7 (first real job) team; and the Ahly-Barcelona outing with the Tiabs and Habib's :)

Youz's wedding :) lovely day and lovely long time, childhood friend! And then another collage: from the top: me, Salsa and Sheero; me, Sandoor and Sheero, chocolate party with at Self's with Self, Sandoor and Roni; all my favorite girls ever at my thesis defense (Mariam, Mondyyy, Sandoor, Mary, Marmar, Amany and my all time favorite HOBZY); my graduation buddies: Dee, Chantal and Salsa; my "farfooosha" partner in crime (one of the ppl I'd kill to have around 24/7) Sarsooora; two the most decent guys ever Ibrahim & Wadid (with Sandoor tab3an); Halloween 2010 with the girlies :) And finally my ALL TIME FAVORITE PIC EVER (regardless of both of us looking crappy) with my all time favorite gal Sandoor 3ala kobry Stanely in my tiny Friends Forever frame :)

And my final corner; the Tiab's and Mekhail's again (love u girls, can never express how much I do); Salsa and Azooz getting married (amazzzing day and amazing friends) and I miss you babe gidan gidan always always; and last but not least akeeeed: LANOULL my best-EST friend (always and forever regardless how far) in the world in her recent visit to Cairo (YAY, still can't believe that actually happened after six long years) and  another tiny Friends Forever frame from the good old Saudi Days that I honestly miss each and every singly day! 

Know that if you're on my wall... you're definitively in my heart! 

Trust in a perfect picture you may not look your best! But you'll feel your best! With the best company creating the best memories ever!

My Pre- Jan. 25th Fears...

WARNING: content of this post is naive, superficial and would piss off most political activists.... I acknowledge this and apologize for it, so please don't attack! 

So a year from Jan. 25 and the entire revolutionary road we've been travelling on in Egypt... I look back and think if this revolution has bough us any good! And unfortunately my answer is NO! As much as I would like to think of the so many positive things this revolution has brought upon us; such as freedom, hope and a boost optimism; I would still have to pass!

On the other hand... all I see is dead people, people living with lifetime cruel disabilities, no safety, messed up tourism, a dull tomorrow and my screwed UP social lief! And this post is dedicated to the last point with all the ignorance and simplicity that this sentence carries.

So ever since the so called Jan 25th Revolution my social life has been going a downward slope. My parents have been on a panic frenzy... where any unnecessary road trip (in their wise opinion) has become a taboo. If it's not work or a must go "homework" outing... then most probably they prefer that I stay at home.

Suddenly 8 pm has become late hour... any dark hour is after curfew. Any "outing" that is not in my home zone is simply far. I've forgotten how Mohandesin, Zamalek and Tahrir look like. Suddenly these places have been restricted to "business meetings" only... and trust me if they can ask me to pass on these too, they would have done it!

Going out after work is a "no, no" because it's dark already... going out on weekends is usually done in day light.

Knowing that my friends are out late and want me to join has become a burden. Let alone internal traveling and a wedding or engagement.

My list of 101 excuses of how to skip an outing because it's an unsafe and my parents would freak out has become obvious!

My age and curfew are suddenly having an inverse relationship! And trust me that's not fun! Let alone saying that I have a curfew in first place (but that is something we can discuss later)!

My life is summarized into: work, business meetings, the mall, a birthday, a wedding, the doctor, university, or a funeral because these are the must haves of life... plus a few random outings here and there (and by there I mean a far awayyyyy there) to be honest. Anything else would need debate, discussion and comprise from me, my friends and the universe probably!

Everything has become unsafe! And they do hold some sanity in their argument, I give them that! However I'd have say 85% of it is simply freaking out! But to them, better safe than sorry! And to me, I've chosen to at least buy my own peace of mind and roll with their game! 

My social life has been screwed up... thanks to this revolution. It's honestly annoying me to the bones. If there was a positive trade off in return... I would have seen it and said "okie, my social life got screwed up for a cause and a good reason!" But seriously... I don't see any and I'm just annoyed! Sorry to say! 

So we're almost a year away since Jan. 25th, 2011... and we're all crossing our fingers with what to expect regarding what will happen on the so called Revolution Anniversary. I hope things settle down cause this isn't the life is signed up for... I support the political cause but this really isn't the plan I had for my life... I hope the coming Jan. 25th doesn't screw my life up even more!

So my hopes for the new revolutions are: to get back the security I previously took for granted and gain back my social life!


~ I've warned you! 

Sleepless Nights Crying...

So in contrary to my previous post about smiling this post is about my very long, sleepless nights spent crying!

Well, for the last few months I've had this thing that has started out in my life... at first it just kept me up all nights, many nights in a row... just staring at the ceiling hoping the night goes by... hoping that with the break of dawn things get better... and that keeping myself busy would distract me from all the pain...

Apparently I was wrong... because the pain just kept getting worst and worst... because before I just starred at the ceiling hoping the time goes by... aware of every clock "tick" "tock" BUT then it the pain got stronger and more intense. I would spend every single night crying... and nothing and I mean nothing I would do would seize my pain. I though of every way possible to make the pain stop. You name it, I thought of it! I even thought of physical ways with which I can end the pain... taking things into my own hands, doing the extreme measures.

I tried to do whatever I can to patch things up... I tried quick fixes and long term fixes. I tried helping myself and tried getting external help. Every possible patch I've tried. I tried my best in order to keep the final detachment as a last resort.

But as you'd expect... things would get better for just a short time and then I'd be back to square one... "sleepless nights crying;" even more the pain would get worst and worst....

I've reached to a point where I lost hope... like this cycle would never end... it because a living nightmare... how come something be so painful... how can it keep coming back no matter how much you try to fix it or push it away....

And then I decided I've had enough... it's time for this mess to end. The final detachment needs to happen. These quick fixes aren't working and things end up screwed again, probably getting worst.

So.. I finally STOPPED the pain and pulled it out of my system. And it wasn't easy! And unexpectedly complicated! And for a while... it hurt even more than the actual pain!

But it ended!

Right now I'm experiencing some withdrawal symptoms... the lingering pain... the final remains... but I'm getting better.

Sometimes remembering it even gives me the shivers.

And of course there is a scar left there to remind me daily of the hell I've been through...

But things are improving. Each day more than the day before.
I'm healing... gladly.

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And now... go back and read every single line of this post again. This time with a fresh a mind... because I wasn't talking about a person, like most of you probably thought, I was talking about one hell of a tooth that has keeping me up for nights and nights and finally last Saturday after several effort to fix it from cavity remove to root canals and crowns... I've pulled it out in one hell of a complicated, hurtful procedure. Because that tooth, just couldn't come out easy! It had to break into little pieces making my life even harder. But it's out and I'm relieved....
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Funny how the human mind sometimes works....

Reasons We Girls Smile...

There are so many reasons why we girls smile... Sometimes they're honest smiles and sometimes they're not... most probably every smile we've got has it's own meaning... a meaning we only know deep down because it reveals our true intentions...

We might smile because we really like someone or what's going on, or we might smile because we want to pretend like we like what's going on.

There is a smile that carries a lot of innocence with every thing this word could mean... and there is a smile that could carry seduction and an evil plan....

We might smile because we honestly carry good feelings for the moment or we could smile to hide loads of hatred and disappointment...

We might smile because we've just seen you, herd your voice or have you near...

We might smile because we're really out of words, nothing in the world would say how we feel or we could just have nothing to say and we're trying to avoid conversation. We might smile because we're completely indulged in whatever it is you're saying or we're just trying to seem interested...

Our smile could really mean we're truly happy and dancing deep inside or we could be smiling in order to hide utter and complete sadness and heart break...

We might smile because you're funny, or because we want you to think you're funny. Because we get what you mean or because we actually want to get you!

There is a smile that shows excitement, support and pleasure and there is one that hides anxiety, panic and fear...

We might smile because we love you or we might smile to make you think we love you. We might also smile in hopes that you would love us back. We might smile because we have you in our life, we might smile just thinking about you and we might smile because you just walked away.

We might smile as a replacement to saying we love you, we miss you, to thank you or to let you know we're happy you're there...

Sometimes we smile because you've taken us by great surprise...  or to hide the fact that we were expecting more..

We could smile at an inside joke we share or at the fact that we share nothing...

Sometimes we smile because we know it makes us look good...

Our smile could be naive and could mean that we fell for your game or it could mean that we're smiling because we know exactly what's going on and that we're being played.

We might smile because we've gone shopping and even more we smile because you're the one who paid...

We might smile because we know it makes you feel good and secure that things are okay...

Girls smile for so many different reasons... some are good and honest, coming deep from the heart and some are deceiving. Most of the time they're true smiles... Point is a girl's smile is always a charm... it's your call to know what that smile carries deep down because most probably... we'd never tell :)

26 Things I Have AND Have Not Done Before Turning 26!

Well, I'm turning 26 today... I'm less depressed than I was when I turning 25. Anyways, I thought why not do a random checklist of the stuff I have and have not done before turning 26!

HAVE DONE - proudly or sadly, but mostly proudly!

1. Lived in two countries; Saudi Arabia and Egypt
2. Had friends from across the globe
3. Acted, directed and wrote plays
4. Finished my BA and MA
5. Gave a speech on behalf of my graduation class
6. Been angry to the extent that I smash something across a wall
7. Para sailed
8. Laughed till I cried
9. Got addicted (literally) to a show: Grey's Anatomy
10. Was titled funniest and most talented girl in high school
11. Drove while sleeping 
12. Obsessed over / fell for someone I never met!
13. Had three different jobs
14. Been broke, completely
15. Been mugged! 
16. Been in a major accident, and lived :) gladly
17. Done stupid and REALLY (okay really) foolish things for love! 
18. Fell for the wrong guys... OVER and OVER again! 
19. Read the same book at least 200 times
20. Made great friends and lost people who were supposed to be great friends! 
21. Fell in love with sushi suddenly
22. Read a novel over night
23. Sang and danced while driving 
24. Created imaginary stories in my head and lived with them for a while
25. Hated someone then became their very good friend
26. Started a blog

HAVE NOT DONE ~ and should have done!

1. Read the Bible entirely 
2. Had a surprise birthday party, I always figure out before they happen 
3. Done something completely insane and crazy 
4. Ditched classes 
5. Gone shopping with nothing but a fully loaded credit card 
6. Got an F in a course 
7. Learned German and French 
8. Watched Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings!
9. Been in a relationship 
10. Been on a date
11. Been to the movies alone
12. Gone clubbing or been drunk 
13. Partied late 
14. Tried any type of drug 
15. Reached my ideal weight 
16. Traveled around the world 
17. Seen snow 
18. Danced in the rain 
19. Gone swimming with my clothes on (don't ask me why it seems appealing) 
20. Caught the bouquet in a wedding 
21. Lied about where I'm spending the night 
22. Published a book 
23. Been good in a sport 
24. Learned drumming 
25. Saved money 
26. Drove faster than 120 Km/Hour

New Year... Evolution or Illusion?

We often think that with the tick of the clock, once it turns 12 and it's a new year our life would change... a whole new beginning to life and our selves would come out... we wait for an evolution, for the world to change... for the unexpected, for resolutions we have been making for the year or years to finally come to live!

BUT... with years, I've earned some experience and wisdom, and  I've come to realize that this hope for an evolution as the New Year approaches... is most likely just an illusion.

I don't meant to be dramatic or to kill the optimism we have for the whole new year, new beginning fairy tale we all, including me, live in. But, sometimes we come in terms with reality and its good to stop and share it. May be make someone else avoid the stupidity you've been placed in before! If someone out there is expecting a magical moment of change... I'm not saying it doesn't happen; I'm just saying don't count on New Year to be that magical moment. 

In the so called life... Jan 1st, 12 am each year is just the next second, the next minute, the next day, the next month, the next year.... its just another clock tick of no particular significance or change.

If there was this one split second where everything changes suddenly, where we click a button and the past is deleted and a new horizon opens up... then New Year's would be a universal moment across Egypt, Lebanon, Dubai, Jordan, Saudi, US, Canada, UK, Germany, France, India, Singapore... but facts are this magical moment isn't universal, there is no single moment where the ENTIRE world stops and we all get a chance to start over new! This moment is different across countries, across states, across cities, across homes and across the people in the same home. Each person's clock hits 12 am at a different split second! 

Truth remains... New Year's is just a thing we've created! An illusion we've immersed ourselves with giving ourselves hope that there is a chance to get up and fix things to re-evaluate where we stand!

I'm not being pessimistic; I'm being realistic... 
Change does happen, but it doesn't need a clock or a date or to dim out the lights and turn them on to a new you... change is timeless; can happen anywhere, anytime, anyhow...

Change happens when you intend for it to happen...

Change that is time bound is an illusion...

Change that you create is a true evolution...

You decide your own New Year... your New Year, your real evolution, begins when you take a good look at yourself and you realize: now is the time to change!

The "Message!"

We often have unanswered questions that we would like to find answers for. We over work our brains trying to analyze the situation in order to come out with the possible scenario we should follow. Even more; sometimes we already know the RIGHT answer but we try to find ways around in order to satisfy an inner desire or will that we have.

And that's OKAY! We all do that! It's part of the complicated people we've actually turned out to be. 

But fact is, when it comes down to it... we know the right answer! We know their is right and wrong! We know that what we want is really not the best for us. BUT we fight it so hard; we resist.

Denial creates this amazing bubble around us, making what we do seem like the right thing to do... telling us to enjoy the moment; do what feels good; that we only live once; that there is nothing wrong with stepping outside our comfort zones for a bit; that throwing the Rule Book away sometimes is okay!

BUT then... you get the MESSAGE!
And this message comes like a BIG stab in the heart! Reminding you that you're not on the right track! Flashing right in front of your eyes how you'd end up if you continue living in that bubble. The exact fruit you'd be yielding at the end. It comes right there out of the blue, as if God is sending you a clear message, slapping you in the face to wake up, get up and do something to change the situation around.

And don't be surprised how this message comes across. It could be in a direct form, like something you read in the Bible! Or indirect like a conversation you overhear; a movie you see; a book you read; a song you hear; a show you watch; a joke you hear! But the irony of the situation is that once you see or hear the message, something in you pinches! It hits right on the spot. And it hurts! It's like the message is speaking to you directly!

At first it frustrates you... then you think... then you realize... and finally you decide how you'd react!

The message can come to you as a rescue, reinforcing something you've been wanting to do for a while. OR you may hate it; because AT LEAST you didn't want that message right now. You wanted to enjoy your denial just a little longer!

And there are two scenarios to how you'd react to the message... 
Your guilt conscious drives you nuts and you go back on track...
OR you fall into deeper denial, telling yourself it was just coincidence... and you move in the direction where you were going. And if that happens; I'm not exactly sure when the next message comes along. If another rescue would be on the way.

I'm the first type of people. My conscious can seriously eat me up alive! Sometimes like a party pooper because denial is sometimes an awesome place to be at! But because I know that this was the right thing all along... I thank God for the message! The sooner, the better. Before the lie you're living turn into reality... before it is too late to withdraw... before the consequences become to hard to handle.

When I get the message I right away act upon it even if it may mean I get out of the amazing bubble sometimes!