"2011"... Hmm... Eventful...

The simplest word the could be used to describe 2011 is eventful...

We've often gone through years and called them "bad years," we often say that when we feel things aren't going too well on the personal level. However, 2011 is really a bad year if you ask anyone... more like on a global level!

The first few days or months of the year were seriously stressing and surprising. Almost everyday a new mind blowing event took place.

So let's overlook what happened this year...

Jan. 1: First few minutes of the year witnessed a terrorist attack on a church in Alexandria, Egypt as people celebrated New Year

Jan. 9 to 15: Southern Sudan referendum took place

Jan 11: flood in Rio de Janeiro

Jan. 14: Tunisian government fell and ex-president Zine El Abdine Ben Ali flees to Saudi Arabia

Jan. 24: Moscow airport bombing

Jan 25: Egyptian Revolution starts

Feb 11: ex-President Hosni Mubarak resigns and Egypt goes under military rule

March 11: earthquake and tsunami in Japan killing more than 15 thousand and more than 4 thousand reported missing

March 15: uprising in Bahrain and state goes under emergency law for months

March 17: uprising in Libya starts asking for government withdrawal and lasts until today...

April 29: Price William and Catherine Middleton get married (finally some good news)!

May 1: Osama Bin Ladin announced dead

June 5: uprising in Yemen and president Ali Abdalla Saleh flees to Saudi Arabia for medical treatment after presidential palace has been under attack

June 12: uprising in Syria to bring down the government starts

July 9: Sudan separated into the North and South

July 20: UN declares famine in South Somalia

July 22: terrorist attack in Norway

July 31: Syrian uprising intensifies, death toll reaches over 3 thousand, still on until today

Aug. 9: first on air trial for ex-president Mubarak

Aug. 20: Libyan uprising intensifies

Sept. 10: Kenya petrol pipeline explodes

Sept. 24: Palestine applies for membership in UN

Sept. 24: a 20 year old 6.5 ton satellite falls into the Pacific Ocean

Oct. 4: car bomb in Somalia leaves 100 people dead

Oct. 4: 283 people dead in Thailand flood

Oct. 5: Steve Jobs passed away

Oct. 9: Maspero, Cairo massacre, leaving at least 28 dead

Oct. 20: Ex-president of Libya, Qaddafi is killed

Oct. 23: Massive earthquake in Turkey killing 603 person

Nov. 22: Egyptian Revolution Re-loaded

Dec. 15: US finally declares an end to the war on Iraq

Dec. 16: Tropical Storm Washi hits Philippines

I wouldn't be surprised if I missed anything major; I tried keeping track... If you wanna add anything please go ahead :)

I'm posting this hours before the end of 2011 and I got to say... I wont be surprised if something else happens before it strikes 12 am! But I'm seriously hoping for the best!

So again; least to say... eventful!

2011... Is It REALLY a BAD Year?!

SO... whenever we refer to a bad year... we often refer to it in terms of stuff that happen to us on a personal level. However, 2011 is a bad year on a global level... I don't think anyone can argue with that!

Truly on a global level I think this by far is the year of natural disasters, famines, wars, deaths, disease, revolutions... So globally, I got to admit it IS a bad year and I'm really hoping the last day passes by smoothly, free of more catastrophes or more dramatic surprises!

HOWEVER...
Moving to a more personal level; which given our selfish human nature is usually the main way we judge things.... I STILL cannot make up my mind regarding whether it was a good or bad year...

Emotionally speaking... I've lost some very precious people that I hoped I'd be able to have for keeps! I was disappointed and hurt for a very long time and that made most of 2011 win the award for being the worst emotional year ever. I've also realized some friends, well are not really people you can count on...

On the ambitious and practical side of life... well, I GOT my masters degree and that was the highlight of the year. True, it came towards the last two weeks of the year... but it sort of changed 2011 around from being the worst year to being the best year ever... and ever since this achievement, all of a sudden I can't claim that 2011 is a bad year anymore! It kind of made me realize a lot of good things that I let the "emotional" stuff cover up and hide!

Even more... 2011 was the  best in my career history; I made new friends whom all have become so important and precious to me and towards the very end of it I've realized that some old friends are still gold and that there are people who can still see me from a unique and special perspective even if others did not! I've seen some of my friends in their happiest moments as well! And all that together made 2011, an OKAY year after all!

So UNLIKE any other year... where the personal stuff were worst than the global stuff... 2011 has been terrible on the global level (see my next post)... But on a personal level, although it started like the worst year ever; by the last quarter it smiled at me... and it smiled at me BIG! 

So my last words would be: Good Bye 2011, with your good, your bad and definitively your unexpected! Some days were terrible but all in all, it did pass and I learned a lot from every single experience and every single person! 2012... I'm hoping for the best, this year I'm trying optimism... Even more, globally I, like Miss Congeniality, do hope for World Peace!

Christmas Must Haves!

Christmas tree...
Christmas carols...
Christmas movies...
Christmas hats...
Santa Clause...
Lights...
Lots of red...
Lots of green...
Church...
Church bells...
Candles...
Prayers...
Family...
Friends...
Special someone...
Coziness...
Love...
Hope...

Happiness...
Future wishes...
Warm wishes...
Season greetings...
Lots of calls...
Lots of SMS and BBMs...
Gifts under the tree...
Good food...
Hot chocolate...
Chocolate...
Chocolate cake...
Anything chocolatey...
Starbucks...
Catch up with old friends...
Surprise someone...
Get surprised...
Remember old memories...
Make new memories...
Take pictures...
Believe tomorrow will be better...
Believe it's a fresh start...
Go to bed with a smile on your face...

Crazy, Stupid Love!

Well, for starters, I hated the movie, but loved its name!

It's sooo true, this thing called "crazy, stupid love" does exist!

It's not impossible to love someone who is a total mismatch bound to make every day of life a living disasters. It's actually stupid but it happens.

It is a kind of love that would make you do things you never thought you'd do. Things you didn't know you have in you. Things that come to you as a surprise. These things are good, bad and ridiculous! You never thought you'd be willing to make a first move... but you did! You never thought you'd keep getting pushed away and you'd still come back... but you did! You never thought you can drive the one person you love away for whatever reason it is... but you did! You never knew that all your good intentions would be misunderstood... but it happened! And you definitely never thought you had it in you to try and hate them and hurt them... but eventually... you did that too!

It's the kind of  love you desperately need and in the same time you pray for it to end!

It's the kind of that is your dream come true but in the same time you know it would make you miserable!

It's the kind of love that keep you praying all night... and crying all night as well!

This kind of... really does make you stupid and does make you crazy!

But I guess this is love.. this insane element to it, is what actually makes it love!

Life as a Chick Flick!

Sometimes I wonder... Why can't life be as pink as that of a chick flick?

Why can't happy ending be something bound to happen sooner or later?

Why can't you be the prom queen in school and work and basically the queen everywhere you set foot in?

Why can't you be the girl every one is dying to be with?

Why can't you get your dream scholarship and your dream job?

Why can't you just always go shopping and travel and not worry about finances?

Why can't the guy you've been waiting for eventually come back?

Why can't these lovey dovey love stories happen to you?

Why can't your friends always remember you and be there for you before you even ask for it?

Why can't you be valedictorian and or employee of the month?

Why can't you have the perfect body and look good in everything?

Why can't you live the life of your dreams? Only in this case your dreams are a living reality...

This superficial life is sometimes a good fantasy to dream about :) I wish I can go there for a while! My life to be a chick flick! For a change!

Who Are You?

Is it possible that something you've always been clearly sure about turns out to be nothing of what you thought?

I don't think this is one post where I can clearly articulate how I feel or what I want to say; however, I just feel stressed out that may be someone I thought I knew... turned out to be someone I probably know nothing about. That all the stuff I once admired about that person... are simply not there; not even close!

That someone I could bet on turned out to be a complete stranger, maybe just putting on a mask and a well executed play that I fell for.

I don't know what gave me this feelings... but putting together the little pieces of the puzzle, just no longer reflects a good pictures or no longer reflects the picture that I've always had in mind...

So many things in the past have been telling me to drop this issue, walk away not looking back... and I've always refused to let it go... very strongly, I choose to trust my gut feeling, which apparently was very wrong.

But now, when I felt like I don't really know the person anymore, or maybe never really knew the person.... I don't know what I've been holding on to? Perhaps an illusion of who I wished that person would be... Or  maybe the act for which I've been a great and dedicated audience.

I don't know what to think anymore... sometimes I just hope I had the answers... or had the ability to ask for answers. But I don't! And again, may be the answers will be further devastating because the "what if" element that keeps us going will no longer be there.. Because the definite answers I get will not be the answers I want to hear... And because some stuff are better left unknown.

But seriously... Is it possible that I've been played... I just wish I can really know; Who Are You?

A Year of Blogging!

So, I can't believe it, I've been blogging for a year already! Time does fly! I still get excited about writing a new post and checking the stats to see if people liked it or hated it! I also still do get excited about the number of comments and likes I get. It's kind of rewarding!

Even more, the whole experience of blogging that Garbage of the Soul has given me is great. The fact that I can come here and write whatever comes to mind is amazing. And believe it or not it is quite relieving... getting things off my chest and feeling like I vent about whatever bothers me is soul enhancing!

It's also more interesting when I have people tell me that they really relate to what I write. It means that although this blog is basically just about me, there are people out there who feel I make sense. That all this craziness in me and these contradicting emotions really have some sanity in them. It's also appeasing to know that what I write may stand a chance of giving relief to someone else.

Over the year the most constant criticism I got revolved around the name of my blog! Well, it could take people back a little, however I don't mean that what I write is trashy, it just means that this blog is a place where I can come in and dump all my thoughts and emotions into writing, hence clearing up and reviving my Soul! ~ it kindda makes sense if you think about it!


Anyways, here are the TOP 10 posts you all have enjoyed over the course of this year! In case you've missed them, take a chance to look at them when you can. Here they are; the highest read on top of the list:
GIRL in Egypt...
FACE Your Relationship Issues!
Laughing At Me...
Letting Go...
The Perfect Life of Others...
I'm BLESSED...
Let the Make Over Begin...
I'm PISSED!
Super Mommy :)
The Focal Point Of Our Lives…

Looking forward to another year of MORE blogging!

Remember to always let me know what you think :)

The OPTIMISM of December...

I don't know why but December to me has always been a happy season. Last year I had a post titled December and for some unlikely reason it was depressing. Well, true it's a month of self evaluation, you question yourself with what you've achieved and done in the year... bla bla bla! BUT, generally speaking it's a very happy month for me.

Maybe it's all the holiday and gifts that come with it. That disbelief that a year has gone by. The looking forward to a new year carrying new things! Being hopeful. Looking back to the good things. Making resolutions and hoping things would get better. Being around family and friends. Lots of partying and good food... :)

I don't know... but to me the Christmas decorations and the coziness of Christmas makes it for me and really lifts my mood and spirit. And seriously, the hope that next year will be better excites me and gives me something to look forward to.

May be it's an illusion, but December is a happy season for me... full of optimism. I like December... it just cheers me up inside! And that's a brilliant change!

FOCUS at the Time of Trouble...

So everyone in Egypt is fully distracted with all that's happening in the country... I completely and fully understand. I wake up and go to work and part of my mind and heart are elsewhere. I'm worried about the destiny of my country and I'm worried about my future in it.

However, using the current events as an excuse to slack off is really unacceptable! Using the fact that you go to Tahrir and fight for a cause to mess up at work, not be there and perform with carelessness really kills out what you're doing in Tahrir. It's like you're not doing anything! You're trying to fix something, but you're completely screwing the other!

People are fighting for a cause in order to see Egypt move forward; moving forward includes that you  do your job. Doing our jobs is the first and foremost ingredient to this country's success.

I understand there is a lot of blame on the system and government for the deterioration that has taken place over the last few months; however, when people leave their jobs and engage full time in demonstrations this pulls back our economy as well. Let alone freaks out tourists; kills the stock market; allow for chaos; increase debts... should I really go on? And above all, we ask for higher pays!

I'm really annoyed that people are using Tahrir and current events as an excuse to not working! I am distracted,  and it's hard to concentrate with all that is happening, but I still do my job! I force myself to concentrate and perform well for the sake of productivity!!

We can always go after working hours! The square is still there! Waiting for us!

I don't know about you guys; may be some people feel they're fighting for a bigger cause and I totally support the cause! BUT Egypt, for whom all this is happening, is going down the drain and this is freaking me out!

I believe that in time of trouble, as good citizens we need to FOCUS, WORK and be PRODUCTIVE in order to pull Egypt out of the mess its in.

If we want to go to Tahrir to create a revolution, let's do our part first. Do it right and do what is expected of us and then start pointing fingers at those who are not doing their jobs! When you've done your job, at least you have a right to judge others for what they do. If, and only if, you do that... then it's your right to STRIKE!

GIRL in Egypt...

So, let me start by saying this post is not a generalization. BUT at least it is a representation of ME and a few friends I know...

I've realized that as a girl in Egypt, our culture really deprives me from living the life of my dreams. Perhaps this is not the perfect timing to discuss this issue, however, the current situation in Egypt has really driven me to get out these thoughts on paper. Hence, to explain to you what I mean, I'm using the revolution in Egypt as an example.

I really wanted to experience going to Tahrir Square during the January 25 Revolution and my parents decided it is not safe for me as a girl to go. A whole revolution took place in Egypt and it is as if I was in a completely different country. I will not lie or kid myself, most of my desire to go was pushed by curiosity the first time. I wanted to know what Tahrir was all about. I wasn't really upset when I missed going because we were busy discovering what was going on. We had no clue where we were heading. We had a lot to keep us busy and may be I wasn't too sure being in Tahrir was really effective or that it would bring about change!

However, today, I really have a strong urge to go, for a cause, because I really want to say that nothing has really changed, that we're still where we are, just a different disguise. Because I'm sick and tired of what is going on, Egypt is moving from one disaster into another and we're really being treated like fools! Because I really want to have say... because I hate feeling like I'm passive. I want to be like one of these girls in the pictures!

And AGAIN my parents would never let me go! It's as if going would bring them a heart attack, or I'm insane to ask for it, like I'm kidding, it won't happen in a million years! And AGAIN it's like I'm in a different country, like Tahrir is somewhere else! I can't even imagine or visualize the experience. I feel detached from reality and what's happening in my country. I want to feel the adrenaline rush that comes with being in Tahrir Square. I want to expereince what it is like to fight for what I believe in and want. I want to be proactive and participate! And since I have a cause this time, I'm honestly pissed off that I'm stuck at home! It's annoying! I seriously feel restricted.

I mean my life is going on perfectly well as if nothing is happening and people are dying for a cause less than 30 kilometers away! Don't I at least deserve to witness that! A simple right I suppose, to see the change in my country that's making history. Think about it, years from now my kids are studying history and they ask me: Mom where you when all this happened? What were you doing? And my answer will be:  Oh dear, since I'm a woman, I was on the couch watching the news! ARE YOU EFFIN' KIDDING ME!?

Not just that, you think when you grow up and be independent you get to have a say in the life you run for yourself. Let me tell you this is a load of crap! You, as a girl, probably NEVER get independent in this messed up culture!  I'm a real life witness to girls of different ages; older and younger than me and their parents are not allowing them to go as well! Not only that, I know married women whom their husbands are not letting them go either! Even more aggravating, our male friends think it's funny that we want to go and participate in Tahrir! They think we can't run for our lives, that we should go ONLY when things are chilled and fun! I think the pictures on top are a serious example that not all girls go to Tahrir Square to party, brag about being there or take profile pictures! So let me ask: Seriously What the HELL? 

This is just ONE example! You can really apply this to any decision in our life. Our parents, culture, friends, husbands... or WHOEVER really restrict us from doing what we want! What ever it is, you name it, we need to get their approval first, just because we're women. What we work, the places we go, the way we talk, what we say, the friends we have, the clothes we wear, where we travel, when we travel... practically everything is restricted! It's retarded! Seriously as if I'm living someone else is life! If I'm given the choice, I'd run my life a completely different way! 

Sometimes I even hope I never give birth to girls in this culture because it is really a killer!

So let me ask... in this country, in this culture WHEN do I get to do what I want? When do I live the life I want? If I have to keep getting the approval of my parents till I'm married, even if I have to wait till I'm 40 and then I have to wait to get the approval of my husband, if I get married; WHEN does what I want kick in? When do I get to have a say in MY own life! 

~Sigh!

FACE Your Relationship Issues!

So by now we are all sure I'm not quite the pro on relationships, however I'm good at observing... and listening to surrounding stories! Hence, I came up with the conclusion that relationships have becomes digitally influenced. What happens via social media and particularly Facebook really takes its toll on our relationships and emotions... Usually causing problems! 

We sit and analyze what people do digitally and make all these random assumptions and most probably they screw up our minds BIG time! And I gotta say, I know this happens with girls... boys I'm not so sure, but I'm guessing it happens or they know how to use it well against us very well knowing how we think!

For instance, here are some situations I've seen, heard or been through...

• OMG he is no longer single, does this mean he's dating?
• OMG I can't click on his picture anymore; did he put me on limited profile!
• His status on Facebook says "thinking" does this mean he's considering what I said!
• His status says "fed up," I think he gave up on me! 
• He wrote relieved, it means he's glad it's over!
• I can't believe we just finished arguing and he posted a Mafia Wars or Texas HoldEm Poker update! He really doesn't care! He's been playing while we argued! 
• Who's the girl who has been clicking Like on everything he says!?
• He just wrote he's happy, it means he's with someone else! 
• I checked his quotes, he's become so deep; you think he's changed, I think I stand a chance with him... 
• Since when is he into CityVille and FarmVille, he must be too bored without me! Or maybe that other girl is making him soften up! 
• He has a new friend on Facebook, I wonder who she is! How did they meet!
• OMG, I just realized he's been on Twitter, his tweets show on FB... he never told me he created an account or followed me! He must be hiding or something! Or he doesn't want to be my "friend" anymore
• His status is "worried" should I call and check up on him. 
• His Facebook relationship status is "it's complicated" maybe he's breaking up with his girlfriend and I should call him and be there for him! 
• He just posted a link to Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here," I think he misses me...
• He just commented on his friends pic, it means he's online, why isn't he answering me..
• You're mad at him you "un-friend" him on Facebook, you're back talking you "add him again" 
• You wanna bug him after a fight you change your status to "single"
• Others posts pics so you figure out he's gone out and not told you, or gone out with "girls" you don't like... 

Even more, the FIRST thing we do if engaged or married is update our relationship status for the world to know!

It's really endLESS... The non-stop scenarios we create to try and figure out what's going in with the other person makes us use Facebook to: spy on the guy if we're together, know his updates if we're broken up; see if he hooked up with someone when we're playing hard to get; criticize the guy if we hate him; know anything about him when we miss him; find reasons to hate him when we want OR find reasons to get back in touch with him when we need it... AS IF Every single thing he posts is an indirect message to us! 

True, what ever we guess could be true! But it could be that Facebook settings have changed and you just can't click on his picture; or he is thinking about a new job post; or he's fed up with traffic; he's happy 'cause he had a nice night out with friends; or the new girl he added is someone from work; or his quotes have always been there and you haven't seen them; or he's just bored and found a new interest in Facebook games; or he JUST felt like listening to Pink Floyd!

There is just a million different explanation!

I donno about you guys, but when it comes to relationships so far Facebook just messes things up! And when girls get together and talk... seriously, Facebook plays a major role in their relationships, love life and particularly fights!

The same happens with BBM's and Wats App statuses... we've really come to use technology in ways that frustrate us. Rather than making our life easier for us, they make them worst! It's already enough technology is messing up our face to face and direct relationships, we don't need to make it worst by playing guessing games that bring the worst out of us. 

Well the saying has been going around and I think it's really true... we need to FACE our problems rather than FACEBOOK them! Or at least we shouldn't use FACEBOOK to complicate things for our selves and mess up our brains with random ideas! It would really be easier to get up and make a clear cut effort in trying to find out about the lives of the people who matter to us 'cause clearly, all these nonsense we do, simply mean we still care!  It makes sense to me rather than just guessing stuff and crying about things we're not sure they even exist!

~ before you shoot me, I KNOW, sometimes all we've got is guessing, but it's just hectic! 

See to Believe...

We are often told a piece of information... and who ever shares it with us, assures us that it is true! Yet, for some unknown reason, we subconsciously refuse to believe it to be true...

We choose to live in denial either because what we've herd is just damn impossible or because what we believe just makes us feel a lot better than reality. Or maybe we fool ourselves by still believing in our gut feelings, which keeps nagging about how much whatever we believe is true! Even more, you could be someone like me who just has massive issues letting go!

And speaking from personal experience this denial can last for days, weeks or EVEN months... up UNTIL we get the wake UP call! We keep fighting and fighting the truth, searching for ways to defy it and prove it wrong... until we reach something! And this something, usually the ugly moment of truth, slaps us hard on the face! It tells you bluntly and clearly that what you've actually denied has always been TRUE!

I wish I believe things when I HEAR them... that would be easier and less hurtful! But to wait till I SEE things... this direct encounter with the truth... hurts more! If we just believe it from day one, we'd save ourselves from this harsh confrontation with reality!

Point is... our choices makes up end up here! All we can hope for, is to one day learn the lesson! 

                                                                              

~Sigh!

The Bright Side...

We often get gloomy and depressed, we often decide that the world is such a dark and twisted place! Okie, let me rephrase! I often think the work is dark and twisted! I loose sight of all the good stuff that could have happened in my life... and the good stuff that continue to happen every single day.

Anyhow... sometimes I get those moments when I start cursing my entire life from the moment it started... I don't see except all the bad stuff! It seriously drains me!

But then a little thing happens and it reminds me with all the great stuff in my life.

SO what's the little thing that happened!? Well my brother posted the below picture to my Facebook wall... and it really got me to remember my life as a little kid! I used to do this! My childhood was awesome! My childhood is just one of the pretty amazing things in my life!

Let me just list a few of the things that we stop noticing after a while because they have become inevitable:

My great family...
That my mom still hugs me every morning when I wake up...
My good health...
My amazing childhood memories...
The fact that I have all my needs...
The fact that I can get most of my wants...
My education...
My friends...
That most nights I get a good night's sleep...
That in the end of the day, there are no massive problems to worry me or keep me up all night...
Actually, the fact that I've got a cozy bed at home waiting for me every night... 
That I can still smile...
That regardless of what I say and how much I whine, I do have people who care about me...
That I've got a brother who'd remember me when he sees a picture like this.. would send it to me 'cause he know it would make my day...

Point is those things have become part of our routines so we don't realize their importance. We don't realize that those little things are what keep us going. That if they're gone we'd realize the impact they have on our lives.

If every time we get gloomy, enter into the dark and twisted depressed mood... IF we take the moment to remember at least 1 of those little things that make us happy, or at least make us smile... trust me, things would be bright again!

Procrastination Queen...

I think if there is an award for the number one world procrastinator I would really have a BIG shot at winning. I honestly have a major problem at getting important things done. I manage to waste time pretty much doing everything and anything except what I should be doing...

Let's take today as an example... I woke up 9:30 a.m. with a 100% intention that I'd focus on my thesis... I promised myself I'd make use of this week, that God has gifted me with, in order to finish my thesis... So my agenda for today's thesis included:

• Reviewing at least a 100 surveys in order to remove invalid ones
• Data entry of at least 80 surveys 
• Reviewing my intro and literature review for spelling and grammatical errors

I've promised myself that I'd get this done, and if I finish those I'd take the rest of the day off, have a little fun and do my 1 hour workout that I promised myself I'd do...

Anyhow, it's 4:40 pm and this is what I've done so far in my day:

• 10:00 - 10:30 fooling around with my sister's new iPad
• 10:30 - 10:45 drinking coffee
• 10:45 - 12:00 decided I'd re-design how my blog looks
• 12:00 - 12:30 walking around home, talking to family, eating a banana 
• 12:-30 - 1:20 watching latest episode of Desperate Housewives
• 1:20 - 2:00 Facebook-ing and Twitter-ing 
• 2:00 - 3:00 lunch 
• 3:00 - 3:45 watching yesterday's Grey's Anatomy episode
• 3:45 - 4:15 FINALLY I reviewed 20 surveys
• 4:15 - 4:35 coffee "break" and more Facebook-ing and Twitter-ing 
• 4:35 - now since my status was on FB and Twitter was that I'm a pro at wasting time, I ended up here, writing this...

So... Ya... I'm the queen of procrastination... Sadly, I can't even being to explain how much I need to focus and get my work done... I honestly have to. This 10 day holiday is really my savior to finishing my Masters and I have to use it well.. 

Point is, when I end up wasting time, neither do I get the job done nor do I have fun. I'm just stuck at home under the illusion that I'm working, when I'm not. So really, if I'm home, I should get it done.. If I plan to procrastinate, I should just get up, go out and have some real fun!

Needless to say that I just bought a novel on Wednesday and it's sitting right next to me now and I'm fighting temptation not to grab it and start reading!

Now that I've let out my anger towards my poor time management skills, I'm hoping I really get back and do what I planned for to do at the beginning of this day.

And I hope I get my one hour workout! I need it too! 

C ya :) 

~ Let's say it would take me another 15 mins to color and format this post... plus I hear some fight in the street that I'm going to check out. Hopefully by 5 pm, I'll be back on track! At least I'm a queen at something, lol! 

Mom To The Rescue!

Yay! I've a super mommy :) As kiddish as it sounds, my mom isn't just my super hero, she's an amazing person. Yesterday, my mom rescued a little kid, or rather a baby, at the mall. Just, how awesome is that! 

So we were at the mall, me, mom and my sister, we were walking out of a a shop when I spotted a young mother freaking out and screaming for help. Her baby was choking. She froze, thoughtless, not doing a thing!

I asked my mom if she could help her. My mom, didn't think twice, she ran off to help her and asked what's wrong. The kid, who was less than a year old probably, was eating a biscuit and choked on it. He was starting to turn blue!

His mom was really freaking out. She started crying and wasn't really doing much to help! She was just standing there in disbelief... motionless!

I don't know what mom did, but apparently all her parenting skills and experiences kicked in in the right moment. She knew how to carry the baby. She tapped him on the back, and she managed  to let him spit out the biscuit. And it was a big chunk. He was pinking again, regaining color and breathe!

Once the baby spat it out, my mom hugged him tightly, showered him with kisses, telling him it was okay. And for a baby who doesn't know mom at all, I gotta say he felt safe and clutched on to her!

Even more mom managed to make his mother calm down. She assured her that he's okay and will be okay. She told her not to worry... She even continued to hold the baby tightly until his mom gained composure....

And everyone at at the mall was looking at my mommy like she's a hero! The baby's mom thanked her over a million time. His dad showed up a few moments and thanked mom even more! It was amazing... a lot of people were passing by, no one really cared to stop and help her... but my mom did! And it was great! She was there at the right time and right place.

It was actually a pretty emotional moment....

Seeing mom do this with a strange kid got me thinking... I must have have been really lucky as a little kid! She honestly showered him with care, love and attention. So being her kid, I can't even assume what she must have been like! Actually, I can.... 'cause my mom still showers me with love, care and attention all the time.

One day, I hope to be like her... actually, I can't wait to have my own kids and be like her :)
My mom is a Super Mommy! 

Moment of Truth...

I've always lived by the believe that being the bigger, better person is really the right thing to do at all times. It simply means that you've decided to rise above the situation, to let go, move on and create peace with what ever has happened.

It also means you're the one who picks up the broken pieces, you're the one keen to to put things back on track. You're the one making the effort to make the ship sail... hoping it would one day get to where it should be going! Or at least... you hope it would keep sailing!

My previous post regarding this issue was kindda pissed off! I said that when you decide to always be the bigger,better person there comes a point when you explode! You explode because you end up feeling that you're the only one who cares... because sometimes you wish the other person would get up and do something to fix the mess!

Today... I'm not pissed! Today, I'm indifferent!
I don't care anymore to fix things! And I don't care that the other person doesn't care! And for me to get to this point... for me accept this willingly is a BIG thing! It might not really mean I've let go, but it definitely means I'm on my there! And if you know me at all, you'd know this is, not a step, but a LEAP!

I'm coming across a situation... and I'm asking should I decide to be the bigger, person AGAIN? Should I be at peace with all that has happened before! Personally, I think I'm at peace, I feel I've achieved it; however, I'm indifferent. I usually decide to go back and fix things when, and only when, I feel it would fix things, or make them better!

Point is, I no longer care that things get better!

Before I would worry about giving the person the impression that I don't care. Now I really feel there is nothing more I can do. If they want to think I don't care... I'm okay with it!

Today, sometimes I still hope things would be better, I can't deny it, yet... I have to say, I no longer have this passion to things. I've lost interest in fixing the past! It has lost all it's essence and beauty. There is no purpose in fixing things. If (hypothetically speaking) they ever get fixed... it might satisfy my ego, yet I'm not sure I'll be happy!

I'd do it if things stood a 1% chance of changing! However, I'm certain that going trying to fix things would result in more emotional damage for me because it's going no where. Because I'll be once again reminded that I'm the one who cares and I'm the one keen to putting in effort! I'll be back to the feeling that I need to explode or regret after I've hardly achieved the feeling of peace.

Peace is a much better, more relaxing option. Being indifferent is a lot easier than being pissed. It takes less out of my energy!

Today I'm facing a moment of truth! Being the bigger, better person is not always the right thing to do. Sometimes you need to rise above the situation. And by that, I don't really mean to go back and be the one to fix things. This time I mean it's time to rise above, step over the past, admit there is nothing more to be done and just move forward without looking back. 

Cheer Me Up Mado!!!

Well by now I'm a pro on my own self cheering up! Yesterday I felt like crap... if you came across my blog you'd have noticed from the FOUR miserable posts (Lost, Distraction, CTRL & My Freaking Enemy...) that I've written that I was pretty much going down the drain!

HOWEVER...
Today, I'm different... I'm more laid back and chilled! Today... I'm smiling!

Do I sound disturbed!? LOL! Ya, I do, even to me... but hell with it! I'm realistic, yesterday I felt like shit! Today I don't! It happens! Today I decided to cheer myself and smile! I decided maybe I shouldn't really make it get to me badly! I decided even if I don't really feel at ease, I should smile and not think about it!

ANYHOW...
Let me tell you my plan on self mediating and cheering up! 

I gotta say, my blog has served me well. I'm the kindda person who feels better after I really express myself!  I write whatever I feel down and BINGO I feel better. If you ask me why, I'd simply tell you, it's amazing to get things off your chest!

For me... if something is annoying me, I need to get it out and speak about it. I need to express it and get it out of my system. I also figured that people don't always wanna hear about my personal issues! No one wants someone who really complains a lot, or makes a big deal outta every single emotion! SO that's where my dear precious blog kicks in. I get out whatever I've got bottled inside out... hence I call it, Garbage of the Soul! --- um, smart ain't I.

True, some people may read it and decide for themselves that I'm a whiner! But, really this is my personal space where I'm entitled to say whatever I want! I've created this blog to help myself feel better, to come and write it down here rather than exploding elsewhere! If they still find it quite disturbing to read... there is a lil "x" up in the corner that they're so likely welcomed to click on! LOL! I don't mean to be rude! But seriously, if no one is willing to hear me out, I might as well find a place to vent! Hehe!

Additionally, I got up this morning, got into my car, my sanctuary, rolled the windows down... hit the music to full blast! I let the cool chilly breeze run through my hair, putting an idiotic smile across my face and sung on the top my lungs with the music and I might have danced a lil :)  and I gotta tell you this insane, kiddish, idiotic feeling is all it really takes to make feel brand new! Makes me relieved... helps me push out all the negative energy I got bottled up. And I do smile a lot and laugh insanely when someone looks at me like I'm crazy!

So ya... yesterday I did feel like crap! I was at the bottom of ocean... pretty much felt like drowning! Today, regardless of what I might be feeling deep down, I'm back on the top floating! At least I'm smiling... and I'm looking forward to get back into the car and enjoy myself again!

So really, all it takes to cheer one is is him/herself! I don't need anyone to come and lift my ego...Me, myself and I are pretty much good at it :) So when I'm down, I know what it takes to make me feel better! I call on the one person I trust, the one person who is always there for me, and I tell her: Cheer Me Up Mado!!! She usually pulls it together, gets over herself and is there for me! 

My Freakin' Enemy: IN-CONFIDENCE!

If there is anything I hate in life it's those moments when I loose all confidence in myself. Those moments when I let anyone in the world make me feel or even believe like I'm not good enough!

I hate them! They seriously 'cause me great emotional damage!

I hate it when I feel so imperfect, as if it would be impossible for any one to accept me for who I am! As if I'm repelling or unbearable! As if it's too much to ask to be accepted for who i am! As if who I am is really an example of the worst person in the world!

Those disgusting moments when you feel people are drifting away from you just because they started to really get to know you. When you feel that even the people who once liked you are no longer able to be with you because of the person you to turned out to be!

Every time I start telling myself... may be I'm not too bad after all! Every time I start seeing some light! Every time I feel that people might start to really accept me as a whole, with my good and bad! Every time I start telling myself that I was wrong, that may be I'm not as bad as I always thought I'm quickly reminded that it's easy for anyone to let me go! That if I were to actually go I wouldn't be missed! That if people were given a choice between letting me go and trying to work things out, they'd easily choose to let me go! That people don't look back when I'm gone... no regrets! Maybe it's actually a relief!

I've come to a point where I warn people about me! Tell them, don't worry, once you really get to know me, you'll soon realize I'm not that good! Probably not good at all! Because fact is, every time I start getting comfortable, every time I start to let my guard down and just be me... people walk away!

Sometimes I loose interesting in getting to know people, because believe it or not... I pretty much know how it ends! People hating me... and me hating myself even more!

I actually start doubting myself, being too harsh on myself... judging myself... taking all the blame for everything and anything that goes wrong!

Those days when I feel like no one in the world can stand me just because of who I am! Those days when I feel my destiny of being alone forever has really been determined! Those are the days I hate the most!

Simple to some of you, people may say: "find out what's driving people away, and change it!" Easier said than done really! What if what drives them away is who I really am! Something in the deep core of my personality! Something I really cannot change! Something I can't fix or improve! I did and do try to change a lot, I keep telling myself, they must have a point! But I truly fail at changing the core of who I am!

If people can't really accept me for who I am... then what the hell am I living for! To change and be molded into the person others want to me to be! So I can fit into their life the way they want me to fit, regardless of who I am.

I don't really ask anyone to change for me! I never tried to even change them! I really go beyond all I stand for and I accept people the way they are. I absorb them completely! Their bad before their good! I have no problem compromising or looking at the bright side! I tend to overcome a lot of bad, just for a few good! If I have it in me to see forgive and go past what ever faults they have, why can't they do the same!!?? Yet everyone just tends to look at the half empty when it comes to me!

And it annoys me when it really gets to me! When I myself starting seeing the half empty! Like I forget anything that could be good about me! Sometimes I even stop to think there is anything good about me! I come to a point where I see the cup fully empty! 

They keep judging me and judging me and judging me... and framing me into these horrible characters. Once, twice and trice until I believe that I'm this person! I step back and silently agree to what they say! Even if I try to fight back and defend myself, deep down I'm crushed! Deep down, I sometimes or even most of the time believe I'm horrible person! Deep down I'm just upset that I need to defend myself simply for who I am! 

And my defeat and silence and acceptance do not always come from utter believe that their judgement of me is true. It comes from the fact that I've given up to prove that I'm a good person. Or an okay person at least! That I'm not really someone who is self absorbed into their own thing, who refuses to accept what others say! Who sees things just from their angle!

I do admit I have my own issues! I can go on for lists and lists about all the stuff about me that are wrong and disgusting! But I tell myself everyone has their own share of crap! Their own problems! No one is perfect.. everyone messes up! I can't be that bad! At least I hope I can't be that bad! 

Sometimes I wish people would take time to invest into getting to know me... at least to create fair a judgement of who I am. It drives me nuts when people think they have me figured out when they haven't. And regardless of what I do... they rarely ever change their minds! I hate it when they simply start believing things about who  I am that aren't necessarily true! I just wish people would really give me a fair chance to show who I really am!

But again... I come to think... it's impossible that everyone is wrong... that everyone hasn't really given me a chance! Something must be wrong... something must be so repelling! It can't possibly be that everyone lacks the ability to truly understand me!

I start telling myself, if I was really someone else... I'd probably not like me either! What's there to like? And that really sucks! It makes me want to throw up! My stomach goes in knots and I really loose the ability to breath!

I start seeing one fault after the other! I keep telling myself maybe I should change! May be I'm really not that good! May be I'm not good at all! Something must really be wrong, annoying and offensive about who I am. Something so strong that it pushes people away every single time.

May be I lack the ability to show the good in me! Or may be I have a problem that makes people misunderstand me, or personify as this unbearable person! Or may be I'm really just a terrible person! I end up wondering, if i don't really like myself, how do I expect people to like me!?

And this moments where I'm in-confident about who I am and everything about me is a killer! Because in these moments I'm really assertive that I'm not someone, anyone would want for keeps!

The disgusting fact is I don't know if this is a phase I go through or if I'm really this repelling character! Because apparently this phase is something I go through a lot! All I know is that I hate the feeling! This feeling is my true enemy because when it conquers me... it really starts pulling me backwards until I completely sink back! It fully drains my energy!

When it hits me... I really have no reason to keep going! I become restless towards everyone and everything! Life looses purpose! There seems to be no point in continuity! Like there is no hope for things to change! In-confidence is my enemy and I wish it would give me a break! 

CTRL...

I really didn't know what I should call this post..  it's a mix of a lot of things. Many many things! To start of and make it short and simple: as usual I'm pissed at myself! If you ask me why... I'll tell you it's all about CONTROL!

Sometimes I really wanna slap myself. I envy people who display self control and composure. Those who are able to stop themselves before saying something or doing something. Those who have the ability to stop speaking at the right time EVEN when they have stuff to say.

I really look at people with admiration... these people who know how to give the impression that they don't care! Those who know how to treat people coldly. I actually wish to learn from them.

My lack of control as to when to shut up and my urge to say everything on my mind makes me look and sound stupid even to myself! Sometimes I wanna make it look like I don't care! Even when I really do. I've even written earlier my post on how silence can sometimes be gold! 

What's even more annoying, is that little things drive me nuts! Little things that may seem to others unworthy, or undeserving. I'm the kindda person who is driven by emotions at all times. I don't believe that expressing how you feel whatever is it should be upsetting! I think if things didn't matter to me I wouldn't really care if they were going well. If I didn't want to make things better I wouldn't be bothered.

However, I do understand that some people don't like. That some people interpret it different. That it may seem like it's too much at times.

I also hate to reveal that I care too much. For some reason it makes it easier for me to get hurt. Sometimes I say too much... when I over express how I feel and people still choose to be cold and maintain their composure it makes me feel like they don't care even more... hence I get more hurt... and the vicious cycle goes on and on and on forever.

The whole idea of an abundance of emotions being met with rejection or coldness is simply hurting for me.

Even more, when I get comfortable around someone, my concern with controlling my self expression decreases... I feel the room for acceptance increases... my expectations increase... Yet, every time I'm kindda let down.

I can't say I am to blame for who I am... after all others aren't exactly perfect! However, I do acknowledge that they're not to blame either. I do understand that too much emotions can be annoying and frustrating.

This however does not mean that it gives others the right to judge me. It does not mean I need others to feel the need to improve me or make me a better person. Sometimes I even wonder if i accept for who they are, their faults included, there should be more room for acceptance from others towards me as well! Deep down I do believe if someone really took the time to know me they'd understand my intentions and drives they wouldn't be too annoyed!

I refuse to think that people think I'm some project that needs to change in order to fit their schema. My increased emotions tend to show in both negative and positive ways. I'm overly happy when I'm happy and I've overly sad when I'm sad. And I think it's okay to express it! I just don't get why people are okay with it when I'm being positive and are defensive when I'm upset.

I hate that every time something happens I have to go through the hassle of explaining myself... I think it's unfair and hectic. Sometimes I give up on it. And regardless of how much I talk about it, I never get to the point where I feel I've explained my intentions enough. I honestly, speak a lot, yet I cannot find the right words to explain how I feel so I just step back and give up.

I understand that people aren't expected to play a guessing game to figure out my intentions, however I just hope that people are a little more understanding and accepting. I believe, and I could be wrong, that I tend to accept people in which ever way they are, I think some equal treatment would be good.

Yet, it's safe to say that my inability to control myself expression and my high emotional drive has become a serious problem in my life. Minimizing it would certainly make my life and others lives simpler and smoother. It doesn't mean I'll be 100% comfortable or happy. It means I'm setting limitations, it means I gotta think twice before saying anything. I means I just can't be spontaneous anymore. It means I'm around someone I'm just myself around. My silence and distance means I'm upset and that I'm formalizing relationships. But if that solves it, then so be it. 

Sometimes I hope I find my CTRL button. That would make my life easier because every time I'm placed in a situation like this I promise myself that I'd display more control the next time... however I fail, therefore a button might help make life easier! It would be easier if I just click CTRL every time I'm getting too comfortable or too expressive... I really hate showing that I care when the people around me don't equally care!

~sigh! 

Distraction...

Well, related to my previous post, Lost, I've taken up whatever things I could possibly take or do to distract myself. As I said, anything that makes you go through the night... anything to divert your thoughts from what you should really be focused on.

However, distraction is not always positive. Distraction could lead to destruction! 

Sometimes you get yourself into more trouble just to get yourself out of some mess! Sometimes fooling yourself, your feel and brains is even more hectic and energy draining.

I also spoke earlier about the moments of stupidity that we go through and acknowledging that what you're doing is somewhat stupid. And I gotta say most of the time when you're trying to distract yourself from something you end up doing something stupid... which you later regret!

It also leads to destruction because once you decide to stop and go back to reality you realize that you're really right where you always where! That being in denial and that keeping yourself "fake-ly" distracted will just make everything crumble over your head suddenly! And that would be real trouble. When you think you've moved on, but you're actually right where you are!

~sigh!

Lost..

Lately I'm just lost.

Too much of everything is going on and I'm not focused on any of them. There is too much work, too much studying, too much emotions, too many activities, a lot of drama, a lot of terrible discoveries, a lot of mixed feelings, a lot of personal conflicts, a lot of undefined emotions... 

I personally don't know if I'm okay! I'm just letting the days slip. All similar to one another. I'm fooling myself saying I'm okie... saying since the days are rolling it means I'm okie... but whenever I have a free minute, when I look deeply into my life I realize I'm a mess! A walking wreck! 

When I really think about I realize nothing is actually going right! I feel I have too many problems to really know where to start. So I choose to let it all go... fool myself into saying things didn't really happen! 

If you ask me why am I bringing it up now... I'd tell you last three - four weeks have been incredibly insane... in every aspect... and I'm still holding up. Every time I come to get into the details of the events I fall in disbelief and choose not to. I prefer ignoring them and being in denial for a change... 

My plan is basically to drain my energy out so when the night hits, I simply fall flat on my face and sleep in no time, giving myself no time to thing. 

I'm choosing to be lost because if I think too much I'll end up depressed and in loads of self pitty. So I'm choosing indifference. It's bugging me that I can't really define how I feel, but all I can say is that indifference seems to doing me right at the moment! I'd rather be lost than focused on the amount of crap I got going on! 

Oh well whatever... it's really whatever makes you go through the night!

Takes Something, Gives Something...

So life.. clearly and obviously doesn't give us everything we want. And ya.. sometimes we feel like nothing is going right.

However if we actually take time to realize... life isn't so unfair after all. I know I'm contradicting every other miserable post I've written... But fact is when life takes something, it gives you another.

I've lately been going through some dark and twisted phase. In the same time... God has sent me two guarding angels to be there for me every step of the way. Usually, if that had happened to me, I would have been absorbed in misery and sadness and even grief.


INSTEAD... 
I've really been blessed with two amazingly supportive, fun and understanding friends who are with me day in and out, morning and night, at work, outside, on the phone, on bbm, on Twitter... 24/7 distracting me, telling me that it's not the end of the world, that I deserve better and that things will get better.  It's like God sent them to me right before my problem so they can help me get through with it. 

They even make me laugh in my most difficult moments. Today I can't believe I laughed this much. The none stop kind of laughter. This would have never happened... I've been me for a while and I pretty much know I would have been sinking in depression, hating everyone and everything. I would have been crying and excluding myself on the side!

I can't explain how much I'm glad with this friendship and how much I truly value it... but I can honestly say if it weren't for them these days would have been unbearable. True I am upset and down from the way things may have turned out to me... but seriously it's going a lot better than I had expected. In the middle of all this, one of my hardest moments ever, I'm able to see something positive! 

Yesterday they got my an engraved bracelet that read: "May your days all be blessed with the presence of an angel watching over you!"

Ladies, you are my angels.

It may seem like a 6th grade corny best friends for ever necklace kind of thing to do. But it means the world to me.

Thanks! I mean it!

So ya life may take something but it sure does give another. It may take something that is replaceable but it gives you something that is for keeps.

Booba and Amy... you sure are for keeps!

Footprints in My Life...

Everyday we run into different people in life... these people leave varying prints in our life. Some are strong and some are less effective. However, everyone and anyone we meet and run into teaches us something. Something we may not notice... however we silently and unconsciously learn.  All this together, no matter how much we tell ourselves that we are our own creation, help shape who we are. These people may not know us, we might be observing them from afar yet they teach us something so true and so valuable. These people may not be aware our our deep passion and need to thank them... but fact is, our life wouldn't have been the same without them. We wouldn't have been the same without them. Some people leave strong prints in our life. Deep rooted prints that teach us clear lessons in life... A print we're aware of and learn from consciously with a smile on our face. A footprint too strong that we wish to learn from every single day... A footprint we're reminded with every single day because you look into the mirror and see its traces on your face and soul. This post is dedicated to the people who have really taught me something... people I owe something to... I admire and aspire to be like! 

Dad... my dad is a man of hard work and dedication. He's the kindda man that worked so hard to provide endlessly to all those who are around him. He's taught me that hard work is rewarded. That good things happen to those who work for it. That things don't come to you in crystal bowls and aren't fed to you in golden spoons. He's taught me that doing what's right is the safest, best and most efficient way to success. He's taught me to value honesty. To be able to say NO clearly and loudly to face of anything wrong. He continues to teach us everyday. Just 'cause you make money or have money doesn't mean you waste it. Doesn't mean you use it unwisely. That having money while not giving others and using it for good deeds is really wasted money. He taught me what it means and takes to be selfless! He taught me what it means to feel happiness in seeing the people around you happy. He's taught me that family is the most important thing in life! He's taught me that being a good person is a duty not a choice. Sometimes I work too hard, to show my dad that his investment in his kids has paid off. My dad didn't sit me down and talk me into those things... watching him day by day gave me the scruples and basis I live with today. And though some people see it as too traditional, too corny or too safe. I find pride in being like my Dad!

Mom... well where to start? I would honestly not know! My mom is the mom is wish to one day be. This should really sum it all up. My mom has done all she can to make us a happy family. She's the balance. The center. The core. Sometimes I just silently look at her with admiration. We sometimes go through a lot of thick and thin as a family, and if it were not for mom it don't assume we'd have gone through it. She's never complained... She's accepted everything with a smile and in silence. She's made sure her kids don't worry about a thing. She made sure we go on in life enjoying our childhood. As I grew up I realized how much my mom has gone through: the good, the bad, the unexpected. And it surprises me that I never saw her break down despite being one of the most sensitive people I've ever known. It surprises me that when I look back to my childhood I don't remember having any problems. My mom is a true example of someone who who has done endless sacrifice for her family. If anything went wrong, she'd make it up for us with her love and care. She's the kinnda mom I'd brag about, show off with in front of people. Tell them look who my mom is! She's knows everything going on with her kids. Pushes them forward. Wants to see them the best they could be. Still wakes up in the morning to make sure they have breakfast, if they need any help. Calls you to check on you in the middle of the day. She's my friend, my dearest friend! Without my mom, I wouldn't be me... something would be missing! Without my morning hug to mom, my day wouldn't go right! I'd do anything to make her smile & to see her happy. I can sit and talk to her for years... talk about her for ages...Currently I'm smiling talking about mom... wondering, are my words expressive enough to show how much she means to me, how much I love her & how much she taught me. I'd kill to be like my mom one day! If I ever get kids and I'm the mom to them that my mom was to me... they'd be super lucky! All the kindness, sensitivity, loyalty, sympathy and willingness to help without asking for anything in return IN ME, comes from Mom. One day I wish to be her! 

S. E. Hinton... the first time I realized I have a hero and role model was in 7th grade. I read a novel called, "The Outsiders," in school. A novel so true and simple and realistic and appealing. Every word she wrote touched my heart. Every word written felt so real. At the back of your head you could see it happening. For the first time I cared to flip to the "about the author" pages and was in shock to realized she wrote The Outsiders when she was 16! She wrote a novel that is taught in schools when she was 16. Do you realize the magnitude of this? It's pretty amazing! Anyways... that made me realize that you don't need to be old to write or start investing in a hobby or talent. At the age of 12, thanks to S. E. Hinton, I started writing. I set my passion free and enjoyed it! My admiration for S. E. Hinton also drove to read every single one of her books. And as soon as I finished a book it was automatically shifted yo my list of favorites! When all the books in the school library for Hinton were done I realized I couldn't live without reading. It became a thing that I burrow books from the library every single week. I'd read up to 3 novels a week. And for that, I thank Hinton... honestly! Because of this author I was gifted with my two most precious hobbies: reading and writing! Not just because they're enjoyable! But they really liberate anything that's on your mind whatever it is. Takes you with your thoughts and imagination elsewhere... sometimes, you wish to be left there! One day... who knows... may be my novel would be taught in school or placed in library and or on bookstore shelves! 

Miss Mais... well, you know those movies where this young high school teacher comes in changes lives! I'm glad to say this happened to me! In 9th grade I was lucky to have the funky, outta the box teacher that still managed to teach us well. She's my English teacher to whom I owe all my good vocabulary! Those impressive words I throw in once every now to show off I owe them to her. Ever since that class... I have a passion for teaching. It's one of my dreams that I hope to achieve. She's taught me that when your teacher picks on you and pushes you around it means that she's knows you've got potential. She made us do a daily diary, write anything... as long as you write daily. At the beginning I didn't know what to write, I was uncomfortable... but later it became part of my daily routine; couldn't let a day go by without writing. And everyday the quality and content of what I wrote got deeper. Sometimes I was even surprised with the stuff I wrote. I ask myself should I have really written that?! I still have that diary with me till today, and I read it from time to time and smile. I smile at the experience, the memory and my way of fitting in complex vocabulary in the middle of serious confessions (at least at that time they were). With time, Miss Mais became the first person to read my first story. She took the time to read it and edit every word of it although it wasn't related to any class material.That kind of teacher that took time to invest in her student's dreams and potential is the kind of teacher I hope to be one day... the teacher someone could write about 10 years later without her knowing! I hope I can find her again some day...

So... Dad, Mom, S. E. Hinton and Miss Mais... thanks is really the simplest and best way to end this! 

Laughing At Me...

So with years I've learned that the best technique to escaping an embarrassing situation is to laugh at yourself with the people rather than watching them laugh at you with humility... so here is a list of some of the embarrassing moments in my life, that I may have not laughed at back then... but now I say what the hell:

Having my shoe fly in the face of one of the hottest/cutest guys in school...

Always being compared to my older sis in school for being an angel... "why can't you just be like her?" 

Having my sister's name called instead of mine during MY school ceremonies simply because my teacher taught her before...
Being wrapped in aluminum foil for a school play because the custom designer was probably too lazy to design a custom and with every move I'd hear a crack and rip...

Actually being an alien in front of the entire school in senior year is more embarrassing...

Herd the expression circumcision in Arabic for the first time while I was in university and asking public ally out loud... "Dr. what do you mean by...," okie we all know participation isn't always impressive!

My economics professor telling me in front of the entire class: "ady da2ny law etgawezti (i.e. you're never getting married) because I couldn't answer the question: what are kitchen utensils made from... apparently he had vision, lol!
My first "set up" date, I remember the guy talking about himself throughout, none stop, so interrupted.... "I'm sorry when do I get to speak?" - awkward moment of silence! Not sure my friend ever tried setting my up again! 

This guy in school used to call me everyday to ask me what the homework was, my dad once picked up and told him, "it's impossible you never write the homework... starting writing, stop calling!" We were in 6th grade, talk about defamation to my social presence! Thank God we now have cell phones! 

I have a pair of driving shoes so I don't mess up the heels of my good shoes... anyways, I start walking down the street and everyone is giving me the weird look, so I give them the "what the hell is your problem" look..." I later realize I'm walking around with different shoe pairs..one blue and fancy and the other one is white and crappy!

First few weeks at work, I really had nothing to do... so I decided to watch the latest episode of Desperate Housewives to kill time. A person from IT walks in and says he needs to check something with the connection... thoughtlessly, I give him the laptop... only to find me watching two people making out on screen! I'm the new girl and I don't know what he thinks I watch in work! Good he left work! Lol!

So I was born and raised in Saudi, where women can't drive or do much. Anyways, it was the Egyptian/Arab Mother's day which happens to be in March and my dad was away and I really wanted to get my mom flowers! Anyways, I asked a friend to get me the followers to school 'cause I just can't drive around! He does a great job and gets them to me... he walks in first period with a big bouquet and asks my teacher, "can I speak to Madonna?" My teacher says, "we're in the middle of class." Once the guy leaves my teacher looks me at and asks, " did he have flowers?" So I'm like... yaaa... so he says, "Go Madonna... run after him.... these moments don't happen a lot in life!" Trust me it would have been more embarrassing if I said they were for my mom! 

Me and my friends decided to have a dish party and this time I told my mom, I'm cooking... you just rest! I ended up using hair oil instead of cooking oil! Crap! 

Every time I go anywhere and people know a "Madonna" exists in the room, they start faking the most American, cool accent and ask, "where is MadOnnnaaaA?" I raise my hand and the look on their face is like... "oh it's you... wutever!" You can tell they're were looking for a hot blondie! 

This is what I have in mind for now... may be later I do an embarrassing moment part 2 when I regain some of my memories

The GOOD People We Meet in Life...

Life is pretty random, ironic, frustrating and unfair!

I keep searching for positive stuff to write and I can't help but fall into the negativity trap! It just runs to me with arms wide open!

I even tried stepping away from my self and finding positive stuff to write... stuff I see in other people and my surroundings and I still spot on negativity... 

I have to admit that even when I rarely find something positive to write about, it's short and stupid and inexpressive... I fail to be positive and to express positivity... Perhaps I have not yet run into something that is positive enough to move me and get me writing passionately...

ANYWAY...
I've recently noticed some great people in life... (don't get your hopes up, this isn't positive, not even close) like good people... amazing people who are simply just GOOD inside out... 

YET...
Strangely enough... I've also noticed that these GOOD, awesome people don't seem to be getting what they deserve... These people need tons of love, care, passion, consideration, appreciation, warmth, and thankfulness for their mere presence in life. At least for the fact that they wish you good morning with a smile...

I don't know what's up with life being unfair! It's beyond me to understand why some jerks are surrounded by lots of loving people who are willing to give them everything and anything... and the real actual GOOD nice people are surrounded by others who don't value them or deserve them!

It's beyond me to understand why these nice people get a life of unhappiness... worry... and lack of emotional support. Why their expectations are never met! Why they keep getting let down once, twice, trice and forever... Why they're surrounded by jerks who just mistreat them and cause them pain and disappointment. Why aren't they appreciated and valued. Why does BAD LUCK just keep chasing them day in and day out! Why they get pushed around and treated like invisibles!

It's beyond me to understand why these GOOD people are the ones who end up heartbroken, who go to sleep at night crying or worrying about tomorrow, why they end up with husbands and wives who doesn't deserve them, kids who don't value them and friends who forget them... Why are they the ones who end up neglected and ignored!

It's beyond me to understand why some people choose to be rude and hurt someone who has been nothing but super nice to them!

It's beyond me to understand why some people emotionally SCREW up other who have always been there for them and are keen to never making them feel bad.

The list can really go on forever... 


Why can't life give them a damn break and give them a reason to keep going; to continue being good... make them feel that they weren't fools all along for being this GOOD, decent, nice, caring.... (this list can also go on forever)!

It honestly pisses me off! They just deserve so much more! I can't find the words to explain what they deserve... BUT for a fact they deserve a lot more from everyone around them! These people aren't good, they're GOLD! They deserve to be treated like they're kings and queens! They deserve to be surrounded by people who love them and are willing and capable of giving back to them, even when they don't ask for it!

Why can't life just do some freakin' mixing and matching for a change. Give the jerks to the jerks and the nice ones to the nice ones.

Life is unfair... it's a fact I learnt to be true with every single passing day. A fact that I've come to accept. I've also come to accept that thinking otherwise is naive and stupid. 

I have met GOOD people in my life... and if life and others choose to be jerks to them... I can at least try to be nice to them back until life does it's magic and treats them well one day... or so I hope! I also choose to believe that one day goodness will be paid off by life! AT LEAST, it's a reason to keep going!

SIGH!